warning! this entry is rated PG-13 for language and excessive amounts of self-pity...July 1989

Ok, I'm about to make myself sound like a fool, but it doesn't matter.* Nothing matters anymore.

I can't like Russ. Period. It was a stupid idea in the first place. He's a nice...okay - WONDERFUL guy but he's over. In actuality, he never was. How can something be gone if it wasn't there in the first place?

I should've known Tina and Russ liked each other. I was utterly blind not to see it and totally arrogant to think the he could like me. All that time I was vocally gawking over Russ to Tina, she was liking him. Why the hell did she tell me she wanted to set me up with him, then? And, ultimately, what difference does it make? It's time I came down to earth. I just didn't know it would be such a hard landing.

You know, sometimes I could hate her. Sometimes, I think I could rip her hair out with my bare hands. It totally sucks to have a best friend who is pretty and beautiful and smart and a total flirt. She just crooks her little finger at guys and I swear they actually PANT at her.

But, I can't be angry with her. She can't help it. And she liked Russ long before I ever even knew his name. I should've known that if she talked about him all the time, she liked him for more than a friend. She's the one who used to talk about him constantly and acting as if she wanted to get us together was a ruse.

I know I promised I wasn't going to say this anymore, but this is a special circumstance: I don't give a sh*t. Not one puny sh*t. I mean, I don't even know him. Just because I've never met anyone I liked so much or felt like I knew them without knowing them doesn't mean I like him better than she does or anything.

It doesn't matter. You know, me and Tina haven't been doing well friendship wise and I know she wants me to leave. I will. I need to. If I stay here, no matter how hard I try, I'll resent them and be jealous.

So, I'm going to forget how I feel about Russ, like it was another stupid crush. But I know it WASN'T. Wait, I've got to stop thinking that! It was a stupid crush, except it totally wasn't. It could've been real, true love. But, Tina loves Russ and it can't matter. It won't matter. It already DOESN'T matter.

I can't hate my best friend for being stunningly beautiful and sweet and talented or stupid guys because that's all they care about. I'm going to pretend to be happy. But I'm sick of that. It's exhausting. Still, it's time to stop being a sniveling, selfish witch and just be happy for her. After all, she's SUPPOSED to be my best friend. She is so good to me and I'm returning it with evil.

Maybe I should pray. But I think it would help more to write a poem. Besides, I wrote sh*t in here, because right now my life is sh*t and my attitude is sh*t.

Sister Housekeeper says that angels record everything we do and say and report it back to God, and she said if we write it, they record it twice so it's twice as bad. Or something like that. So, maybe I should wait a little bit before trying to pray about it because maybe He is still mad and I should wait until He has time to cool down and for His ears to stop burning.

So, I'll write a poem instead. I'm going to call it NEVER.**

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A note from 2009.

*Interesting that 1989 me is just figuring out what a fool I'm making of myself. And, that 1989 me doesn't really care...A harbinger of things to come, obviously.

**I really need to work up the courage to post this really horrid poem in here. It is. just. so. pathetic.

and the number one reason of the top ten reasons for going to church is............. July 1989

I've never met anyone like Russ. I'm supposed to be thinking about Burgess. But Burgess won't sing, he hates skiing, and we're all wrong for each other.

Also, his religion hates Mormons. And Brian and Doug call him Ambergris. Which means whale puke, or something.

Not that I care. I'm so sure. They make up nicknames for anyone I like.

I don't know what to do.

Well, all three of us, Tina, me and Russ are going to the movies on Friday and I'll see him tomorrow at the Youth Activity. Man, I really can't think of a better reason to go to church than a super great guy like Russ! I've never known anyone so wonderful.

Caio!

here i go again...July 1989

Right now, I'm outside in Tina's front yard, trying desperately to get a tan. I actually hate laying out. I get all sweaty and red and lightheaded and it's uncomfortable to read because I'm not on my tummy in a big comfy bed and I'm not in a huge soft chair. I'm on a lawn chair that puts waffle patterns on my butt . All for a stupid tan that I won't get anyway because I just burn and go white again. sigh.

Yakima isn't a bad place at all - kinda fun. I guess any place besides Lacey is fun. For the last few days we've been fixing up these duplexes that Arnold (Tina's step dad) owns. Saturday me and Tina went shopping and then worked on the duplex.

Sunday we went to church, of course. I got up really early and took three hours to get ready just in case Russ was there and he wasn't. But Tina kept complaining that these guys were looking at me. RIGHT. Guys will check out anyone new. But my hair was really high that day, so maybe.

That's the first time I've been to church in three months. ON Friday there was a mother daughter outing up at this cool lodge in the mountains. I got to know a lot of the girls. Russ's sister, Heather, was there. She seemed kind of shy so me and Tina drew her out. She's totally sweet. She's only 13 but she acts much older, like us.

Anyway, we talked about a lot of things, including Russ, but SHE totally brought him up. We stayed up til about 2am, but they weren't in church.

Now for the big stuff!!!!!

************************************************

Yesterday was TOTALLY GREAT! We all got up in the morning and worked on the duplex. We came home around four and I slept until about 5:30pm. I got into the shower right after that, and I didn't know it but Tina called Russ. They were still on the phone when I got out of the shower.

It turned out that he found out our parents (actually Tina's) weren't home so he said he was coming to babysit us. Tina told him that was cold. I hope he was kidding! After all, I'm 15 and he's only 16 and I've dated guys 7 years older than him. Well, at least I've LIKED guys 7 years older than him. I guess that isn't actually dating... But he doesn't know that.

Anyway, when he finally got here me and Tina were ready to go. We all talked for a while. He didn't really seem to notice I was there. So he invited me and Tina to go swimming with him. We all took off in his truck, music up full blast, windows down, lots of laughter.

When we got to Russ's friends house, his friend was gone, so we waited for about 45 minutes. During that time, I think I had one of the most interesting conversations of my life. We were all sitting there, Russ at the wheel, Tina in the middle and me on the other end. Mostly we listened to music. VERY interesting music. Russ finally opened up and sang for us.

HE HAS THE

BEST VOICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm totally in love. I swear by all that's holy. He can SING and he DRIVES and he SKIIS. And he hates moguls TOO. The only thing I can find wrong with him is he doesn't like Depeche Mode and Alphaville, the booger. But, what can I say. He is PERFECT for me.

I've never been so infatuated. He plays about 20 instruments. He's FUNNY. He's SWEET. And he loves music as much or more than I do. He's in a band and he believes in democracy. (That's a joke). His favorite song is "Who do you give your love to?" I LOVE that song!!!!

And, he goes to our church. He's a good member but he's not all church and Molly Mormon or Peter Priesthood type.

He's everything I ever dreamed of. I bet he's taken.

After we waited for a while, we went to the reservation and he bought fireworks. He's so cool.

Ok, I'm burning. I'll write more later. Ciao!

not-love, perv-love, church-love, and love-love...June 1989

You know that phrase, absence makes the heart grow fonder...? Well, it's a LIE!

I hardly think of Burgess. I know it's cold, but I can't help the way I feel. I'll never hurt him, not even at my own expense! But I don't love him. It's not a word to be thrown around and I'm not going to use it if I don't mean it.

Besides, I kind of like BAD boys! But, a good girl can't stay a good girl and like a bad boy. Watch out for perv-love! So, I need to find an asi asi (so so) bad boy. (I'm learning Spanish!)

I've met a wonderful guy named Russ. He's so cool, but his name is lamers. Gek! I'll have to give him a nickname when I talk about him to my friends. Anyway, he's soooooooooo musically talented. I admire him and I want to know him better.

Music is my life, my soul, and my passion. I'd never be able to go on without it. The drive, the romance in life would all be taken away. Burgess doesn't get into music, and that's tough on me.

If I stay in Yakima all summer, I don't know what will happen to Burgess and me. But I do hope to become good, close friends with Russ. He's a wonderful human being. Plus, he's the only Mormon I've ever liked. Except Doug [aka Ben]. Well, I also love Brian [aka Charles], but that's church-love. And perv-love is what I felt for Rob. But what I feel for Russ could become love-love!

I really have to get some sleep now, so ---

CAIO!
(chow)

I think chow is French or something.

Always,
me

becoming molly and other short lived resolves...June 1989

Right now I'm staying with Tina/Anna* in Yakima. Strange town. I hope maybe to stay here all summer and work at Dairy Queen. Burgess and Renee/Emily* back in Lacey won't be too happy, but it might not work out anyway.

I've been here for three and a half days now. Already we've gone shopping twice, out to pizza once, to McDonalds once, to Dairy Queen twice, out to the movies once, to an Honors Assembly, worked out once, walked all over town, played basketball four times, had a water fight, fixed elaborate pancake breakfasts twice, walked to the grocery store to get junk food three times - The last time I got Dexatrim pills!

Most importantly, we took a trip with Tina's Youth Group to the Portland Temple before its dedication. It's the most beautiful place I've ever been! I can't even describe it: all white marble and gorgeously designed. It gave me a resolve - to become as righteous as possible so I'll deserve a wonderful man who can take me to the temple. The PORTLAND temple, specifically.

I'm going to go to church again and I'm going to be good now matter how hard it is for me. I'm going to stop imagining what it might be like to have someone kiss my collar bones and other naughty thoughts. I'm going to LOVE the girls at church even if they are stuck up or dumb or act like they have Ben/Doug* wrapped around their little pinkies. I'm going to be nice to my mom and I'm not going to say ass or sh*t anymore. I'm going to read my scriptures without falling asleep.

I know my pride will suffer, but I can't let it stop me. I know Charles/Brian* will probably laugh at me for being so wishy-washy. But, I've got to let go of the resentment of feeling like I don't belong there, because it's just making me bitter and ruining my perspective. At the risk of sounding like a Molly, it's ruining my eternal perspective. Who knows, maybe I'll even get one of those "every fiber of my being" testimonies everybody talks about.

[*To ease the transition from pseudonyms to real names, I'll use both for a while. - 2009]

a whole summer without drama...June 1989

What am I going to do for a whole summer without drama? Drama has been my security blanket, the theater my home, "Bye Bye Birdie" my life. And now that it's over I'm vegetating and trying to put off choices and decisions I need to make.

I've quit going to church for at least eight weeks. It's been heaven even though I'll probably burn in hell for it. How ironic. Ahhh, those fiery gates. Actually, we don't believe in fiery gates, or pearly ones for that matter - or any gates at all that I can think of, at least literally anyway.

Of course, I plan on going back. Dad said I can take my time. I think he'd quit church, too, if he could. He kind of already has quit. He just goes and sits in the hallway and talks to people during class. That's not actually going to church. I mean, technically it is but I don't think you get any heaven points for it.

I told Dad I'll go back to church when all the clicky [sic] perfect girls with their huge families and "beyond a shadow of a doubt" testimonies keel over and become worm infested corpses. Nah. I'm just joshin'! Dad said that the church is true but the people aren't. What the hell is that supposed to mean? That the building itself is plumb but the people are six ways from Sunday?

So I said, "It's called the Church of Latter Day Saints. Aren't they supposed to act like Saints, then?" He said we're supposed to TRY to act like saints. Well, I'm not going to act like one and feel all bored and excluded if the people who actually think they fit that description are all stuck up and annoying and think they rule the universe. Which they DON'T. DUH. Blech.

Here are MY future dreams. A successful career in Psychology and a senior trip to Australia with a passionate love affair where someone finally kisses me on the collarbones. A sidelight of singing and acting, a beautiful, clean, clear glass flat shared with Anna/Tina* and Emily/Renee until we all marry and have some rug rat brats. Just Kidding!

More recent dreams: ski school, losing weight, taking up the offer to model hair styles for Mark Ford from Totally You! I think I need to lose like 50 pounds first, so my cheek bones really stick out! Good grades next year, vocal lessons and a thriving acting education in Performing Arts. Good friends. Good times!

My goals for tomorrow: running, Diary Queen application, long not serious talks with Anna/Tina.

fair warning - a note from 2009

In answer to the question asked most frequently: Yes, teenage girls are actually crazy. Maybe they vary in degrees of craziness, but on the crazy scale I'd put my teenage self smack dead in the middle. Of course, I'm not one to be objective.

In response to some recent feedback, both written and verbal, I'm considering using actual first names in here consistently.

Now, that said, I realize my readers number approximately 9 people. And, of those 9 people 99.99%:
---are in the actual diary
---will be in the diary
---know people in the diary
---spend most of their 80sangst blog reading time matching real names to pseudonyms and are sort of sick of doing so

Contact me at 80sangst@gmail.com if you have one of the following preferences:
---You're in the diary/blog and don't care if I use your real first name
---You're in the diary/blog and you'll be mortified if I use your real first name
---You don't know if you're in the diary/blog and you don't want to know

I guess if you're in the diary and you don't read the blog and you don't see this note, anything could happen...Mwah hah hah.

a painful past that really isn't my past and really isn't painful...June 1989

Ok, so Silas's real name is Burgess. It's just an uncommon name, and I was trying to spare him. But, there you go. Now no one has to wonder.

Burgess has a strong emotional hold on me. We've been through a lot together. Ok, well, not so much. I just met him last semester. But, we've been through a lot for such a short time.

Anyway, he's a large influence on my life at the moment. But I can keep my head about him. I guess this IS love. Because it's not lost and searching, it's not searing pain and elating happiness. It's comfort and sharing and so much more that I can't explain.

I have a painful past and so does he. He talks about his and I don't talk about mine because I don't know what's fake and made-up and what isn't. It's all weird and if he brings it up, I won't be able to explain and then he'll be hurt and I won't be able to fix that either.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to being blindly in love with Ben or physically crazy about Rob. They both hurt but they weren't confusing. I've stepped in to something with Burgess that I don't know if I can handle it or not. I'm always careful and on guard. AND he hasn't held my hand or kissed me. I mean, what is the point of going out if you're not going to KISS?

I miss nths and my friends there dreadfully. I no longer feel alone at ths. Although most of my friends there/here were seniors, and graduated. Still, that doesn't stop those pangs every time I hear a certain song on the radio or read old notes and see old (6 months ago!) pictures. I miss Roger and my close guy friends. I especially miss my comfortable clique. It was so easy.

I miss Mac and Mike and ski school and I can't wait to hit those slopes (literally - I can't actually ski). Mike FINALLY graduated. He was a truly bizarre person and a sweetheart. A lot like a teddy bear with vulgar habits. So endearing. And MAC: sensual, giving new dimensions to the word "BUF" and a complete a**hole but I couldn't help loving his perverted, sexy, overwhelming attentions. I haven't seen him for over 4 months. Long time.

Oh well. Times change & gotta move on.

at long last...June 1989

I OFFICIALLY have a boyfriend. I know, it's shocking, isn't it? Silas and I are a happy couple. I miss him whenever we're apart.

He's VP of the sophomore class, good looking, respectful, kind, and he actually showed me what the inside of a BMW looks like because his Mom drove us to the movies. I didn't want to be totally tacky, but I was in awe the whole time. "So, this is what rich people ride around in all day," was what I kept thinking.

More than anything, though, he's just a really sweet human being. He kept writing notes to me and I kept writing back (during Algebra. I think I failed Algebra) and then he asked me to the movies and then he asked me out.

He didn't hold my hand at the movies. I was like, sheesh, I'm finally out on a date with a guy and my hand is sitting RIGHT there on the armrest and he didn't grab it. I started to feel dumb but then I thought it would be obvious if I put it back in my lap.

So the whole movie, all I could think was that my hand was on the armrest and I have NO idea what the movie was about or anything. I could just see my very white hand glowing from the light of the movie screen and smell the popcorn I couldn't eat. Everything felt oily and weird.

So, even having a boyfriend doesn't make the whole love thing any easier. So much for getting kissed on the collarbones! Oh well, maybe we'll date until we're seniors and by then, at prom, he'll kiss me, just once, on the collarbones. I might even have to ask him to. I wonder if there is such thing as being TOO respectful.

And he's Matt's best friend. And I think Emily is going to dump Matt for a totally jerky sophomore. So much for double dating! Anyway, Silas feels things really deeply and he's passionate about all the important things and he's really caring.

Sometimes I think a friendship would be better for us because although I love him with all my heart, I'm not IN love. He wears his shirts buttoned up and his shorts always look freshly ironed. His loafers are like this super soft leather, without any marks from water, which is hard to do cause it rains constantly.

He's as careful as he is caring - I feel like he wants me to be fragile. He's so gentle with me. He never raises his voice. And I'm not like that - couldn't be if I tried. He's a dream come true for my parents, not that I've let him see my house. When we went to the movies, he picked me up at Emily's. He just cannot know what my house looks like. I don't think he'd care, but I think his parents would care, and I DEFINITELY care.

Ben and Charles say he's stuffy, but I think he's going places. And the thing is, I want to get out of here. Our city is small, and it's like a little bedroom community that's an island inside of the Capitol, but nothing ever happens here. It has really picked up since I started high school, but football games and plays and all that stuff only goes so far. I'm not ready for life to end with graduation.

No one knows that I'm not crazy in love with Silas except Anna. Kir and Kri say we're the sweetest couple. So nice and smart without being geeky. I could date him forever and ever without it ever going anywhere, and yet he's the only guy I've met here who plans to move away and do something else somewhere else.

I would never hurt Silas in any way, not intentionally, not inadvertently, not ever. And he's REALLY super great! After all, life is WONDERFUL!

nerds, jocks, and performing arts....june 1989

Whew. I haven't written, I mean REALLY written since April! And so much has happened! I've forgotten half of it already and I can't bring it back. The last days of my freshman year were a BLAST!

I've become entangled in DRAMA at THS. I made Performing Arts. It's the drama class you have to audition for. Thank goodness Noel B. made it cool to be in Drama. He's a jock and he was in Grease and everybody loves him. So drama at THS doesn't have the stigma that it does at NTHS.

Plus, the Drama coach, K., just separated from her husband and she is totally gorgeous, so now all of Noel's jock friends are joining drama.

K. has these enormous aqua colored eyes and long strawberry blonde, naturally curly hair and a super throaty voice. And, she's demanding but funny. Plus, she's a teacher, so she's untouchable. Guys LOVE that combo. It is so funny. Like they stand a chance! But, I guess that's half the point. I don't get it. It's like guys live for being shot down or something.

Even my parents were happy when I made Performing Arts. Not that they care if I'm a nerd, (because they are TOTALLY nerds) but they know it's a HUGE deal at THS to make PA as a frosh going into the Sophomore year. I don't mean to sound conceited, but it is!

For the audition, I performed a monologue that I wrote myself. Which I didn't admit at first because I was too embarrassed. But then I did confess and I still made it, which was cool.

I thought I'd ruined my chances because last semester when we were doing these improv exercises for our final, I got stuck with one where I was supposed to be drunk. But, I've never been drunk and I've never even been around drunk people - except M. that ONE time - and so I know I wasn't a very convincing drunk person. It was embarrassing!

I would LOVE to train for Broadway. But, I can't dance AT ALL. And I would say my voice is ok, but not powerful. I got some solos in choir this year, but I'm not trained, as Emily's older sister so kindly pointed out. It makes me sound like a dog or something!

Anyway, so much for being a triple threat! Emily says I can take voice lessons, but I don't know anyone who teaches them. And, I've taken dance lessons. They don't help, believe me. The instructor kept coming over and standing next to me and showing me how to do the stupid steps and I still couldn't get it right. It's like I don't live in my body or something.

So, now I'm a sophomore! Whoah! I have so many memories! The whirling, full social life (FINALLY), so many dreams made reality, the parties at the cabin after the play ended. Lots of people were drinking there, mind you, BUT

#1. Emily and I stayed in the hammock on the front porch and looked at the stars because she's on dance team and can't be at a drinking party so she was freaking out, and I don't drink (of course) AND

#2. The cabin parties happened AFTER drama finals so it's not liked they were helpful to my craft in any way...

the ten top reasons to overdose on nyquil. or be thankful. or whatever!

A lot to be grateful for lately, really. I'm surrounded by friends - the kind that keep my spirits up even when things go from bad to worse.

Mom gave me a book today. The title is (I'm not kidding you...) Joy! Puke-O-Rama. It's enough to make me want to overdose on Nyquil. But, I know she means well. I mean, I know I've got a lot to be thankful for, but I also have a lot to worry about, remember, and ponder.

Rob is over, for whatever that's worth. But Silas and I are doing great! We're not going out yet officially. We just keep passing notes.

This sophomore, who is actually good looking, told Emily to tell me that he likes me. I think Matt and Emily are going to break up because she likes this guy's (the sophomore's) best friend, who is also a sophomore. She says it's so much cooler to date a sophomore than a freshman.

I think Emily needs to get a grip, even though we're in the play together and she is so sweet to me. Matt is so nice and has those awesome, piercing blue eyes. But, it's not like I can tell Matt that I like him because Silas is his best friend. It's SO COMPLICATED.

The play is going great! SO much has happened! We went to Bellingham and stayed in hotels for a huge festival. I need a whole day just to write about that one weekend! But, I need some sleep. I haven't slept since Sunday night - 48 hours!

And, I still have to do some homework. Can you believe I've got a C in Algebra? It's almost a D! I've never had a C in anything in my life. It's AWESOME! I think my days of being a nerd are officially OVER.

pictionary, taboo, and another wild and crazy saturday night ...April 1989

Rob is over. And M. hates me for some reason only she understands. But, I'm still alive so I guess I'm ok. Besides, Rob wasn't in my age range and I go to Anna's soon for summer vacation. My brother will be home soon (from college) so that's good.

And I tried to pray last night. My mind kept wandering to homework and other school stuff and I kept apologizing because it must be like having a conversation with someone who just trails off all the time. Which my dad does a lot, so I know how irritating it is. I don't mean to be irreverent, but I really wonder what God does when my prayers sort of wander off. Does He take a break from listening to me, or does He know it's going to happen so He plans to do something else during that time? Or, is time different to Him, so He just fast forwards? Does He send an angel of some kind to come listen for a while until I focus again?

I hung out with Ben and Charles at their house tonight. We played Pictionary (I can guess, but not draw, so it's kind of pathetic) and then Phoebe came over and we played Taboo. It was really easy to figure out the words, even though we couldn't say any related words, because we've known each other so long. Like one word was "dentist" and we couldn't say tooth or drill or anything, but it didn't matter because Phoebe's dad is a dentist, so Charles yells, "Phoebe's dad!" and we guessed it right away.

Then, Phoebe had to go home cuz she has this wicked early curfew, so we all walked her home and chatted in the front yard and the sky didn't have any stars so it wasn't that romantic and I could tell Phoebe was walking close to Ben on purpose, which made me glad for the 400 millionth time that I'm over him. Then we walked back and had to go down this street called Ruddell Loop. It is really dark and super creepy with no lights and so Charles and Ben kept scaring me.

When we got back to Greenlawn Street, Ben and Charles made tapioca pudding, which I've never had before and I'll never be able to eat, because they pretended to sneeze it into their hands and acted like they puked it onto the counter. It was so NASTY, but funny. I'm one of the guys, and that's cool.

three deaths and a crying baby....april 1989

Well, I sat around all spring break and rotted. It wuz great! Anna came to visit and me and Charles are doing great again.

Then, things for Charles are a little hard right now. His grandfather died yesterday and I feel bad for him even though I don't understand what he's going through, really. I've never experienced the death of someone close to me.

My cousin died of leukemia but I didn't know him very well. They came all the way up from New Mexico because the hospital here specializes in leukemia treatment. Mom and Dad and me visited him in the hospital and he threw up green stuff. He was so weak, his Mom had to push him forward to throw up. She just sat there, watching him the whole time and holding the bowl for him and she never said a word. She just put her hand on his hair or his back.

We didn't stay very long. I know I shouldn't say this, but I was glad to go. I just stood there feeling stupid and grossed out and horrible because none of them looked like themselves in that awful lighting with those terrible plastic chairs and my uncle was so thin that he looked bent.

The only other time I've known someone who had to deal with death was when Sister Isabel's baby died and she moved away. I think staying here was too painful for her. I was so sad that she moved away but I knew I couldn't possibly feel how sad she was.

I thought of trying to get pregnant and giving her the baby, but it wouldn't have been her baby, for one thing. And for another, I would've had to do U KNOW WHAT which is exactly what she spent hours at church teaching us not to do until we're married.

And it's not like I can just go marry someone because I'm only 14 and then if we got married and I got pregnant and I gave the baby away, what then? The guy I married would know he just married a crazy person. Plus, then I'm stuck with a husband I only married so I could have a baby to give to someone else.

I suppose I could get married, get pregnant, not tell him, get divorced, give the baby to Sister Isabel, and run away. But I don't see her liking that very much, either. Like I said before, she wanted her own baby, not somebody else's.

Anyway, none of this gets me any closer to helping Charles or being there for him.

So, while I'm trying to be there for Charles like he always has been for me, I want to be real about it. Charles sez he is doing ok. He is more worried about his mom (it was her dad who died) and his little brother, who has cried pretty much constantly since his Grandpa died. Poor kid.

I think Charles's little brother is pretty emotional in general, though. He cried a lot as a baby, too. My mom took care of him once and he cried ALL DAY. I got so jealous of her paying so much attention to him that I pinched him. It's not like it made any difference in how much he cried. Sure, he cried even HARDER for a minute, but then it was back to the same old bawling.

What if I'm being fake to try to be there for Charles and understand? It's not like I have anything helpful to say or do. I'm trying to pull myself together but I guess not hard enough.

R.I.P R.P - and Chicago's on the stereo... 4.1989

Rob hasn't called me in a week. So I guess that's over. "She Drives Me Crazy" (Fine Young Cannibals) is my song for him, only I changed the "she" to "he." Oh well. R.I.P. Rob Parks.

I haven't talked to him or M. for forever, but Charles called, as usual, telling me Rob isn't good for me. Sometimes he really bugs me.

Kir and Kri and I all went to the mall today and I wished for the 400 millionth time that I was rich.

I'm feeling kind of depressed. Chicago is playing now, "You're not alone." But, I AM alone. At least, I want to be half the time. I don't want to worry or love anyone or have any responsibility. I just want to dream and sleep forever.

I watched Pretty in Pink tonight. It never fails. I cry every time, when he comes to the prom without a date. And when Duckie says he's not going to drive by on his bicycle anymore.

I guess the part that doesn't make me cry but hits pretty hard is when Molly Ringwald says, "I don't want you to see where I live." If I get a ride home from someone I don't know well, I totally have them drop me off at the two-story white house with pillars the next block over. My house is shack sized with broken windows and peeling paint and puddles in the driveway and cats and dandelions and shrubs the size of trees and dog poop in the front yard.

I'd rather live in Anna's trailer court than here. She says it's embarrassing to live in a trailer court, but at least her house is clean and her front yard is nice and her clothes don't stink like cat pee.

So, I love Pretty in Pink but I think it would be even more fun to watch with a boyfriend. When I have a boyfriend, my favorite movies to watch with him will be "Pretty in Pink," "Some Kind of Wonderful," and "Dirty Dancing." I LOVE those movies!

No way! "My Grandma and Your Grandma" is playing now. I'm totally gonna cry! Mac and me always sang this song and the ski lift even though I'd actually never heard it and I made up stupid words. I MISS IT ALL SOOOOOOO MUCH. He's probably up there skiing right now!

Holy CRAP! Now it's the Bangles' "Eternal Flame." SO pretty. I sang Mac to sleep with this song on the ski bus. I'm gonna die. I'm so romantically depressed!

Fine Young Cannibals - She Drives Me Crazy ORIGINAL

The Ski School Bus Theme... And my song for Mr. R.P. Oooh, isn't this video freaky? Mtv is so weird!

FYC, The Cure, and GC: an insert.... 04.02.1989

"She Drives Me Crazy" by the FIne Young Cannibals is on the stereo (KUBE). Mac used to always sing this song on the ski bus. Man I miss the ski bus! I should say I miss skiing but I miss the ski bus more. Hee hee.

I found these notes I took during General Conference for extra credit in seminary, but I never finished them so I might as well stick them in here. Dad said conference was boring. Nice example.

I also wrote Rob a note. He called me that night and I wuz so happy to talk to him, but I think I need to STOP thinking about him. I never can tell when he's serious. He tells me he loves me all the time, but he also is so full of crap that it drives me crazy!

I haven't run this week and I think I've gained weight. I look ENORMOUS. I'm going to lose 10 pounds by Friday if it kills me. Hello Slim Fast and Dexitrim! I have mass homework. Gotta go.

Are you joshin me? Rob just called. We talked for about a half an hour but Dad started getting on my case about phone curfew. He and mom have the DUMBEST rules.

He (Rob, not my Dad) is so totally RAD. Super smart and funny. Besides, someone who says he is nuts about you is totally irresistible. I think that's my favorite thing about him, matter of fact. And there's lots of fun things to choose from, especially that Charles gets so UPTIGHT about him.

Yup, love that he says he thinks he loves me. "What an attractive quality in a young man," as my mom would say. *ROLLING MY EYES right now.* Gek! She wants me to marry Charles, in case I haven't mentioned that. That's nice and all, but LATER Mom. Sheesh.

Reading back in this journal, I can see the brain rot happening. I've been spending all my time on drama and boys and plays and not enough on books. But I don't want to be a brainy nerdy lame-o anymore, so it's a tough call. Not really. HAH. Let me think, stupid old rhyming history in the Iliad or Mr. Robert P. himself - who - now that I think of it, makes me feel like listening to The Cure and curling up in a ball on the floor and actually enjoying it in some sick way. I totally heart being lovelorn. Mass. I'm NOT kidding.

So, forget the homework. I know it'll never work out with Rob, so might as well get started on some awesome lyrics about how much love sucks. Hahhahahahahahaha!

avoiding Ben... a PS from 04.20.1989

PS
This is the scene of the crime, and maybe the last place I will ever hear Ben's voice.

I think I'm avoiding Ben. Or maybe he's avoiding me. Not that I can blame him, after the smushed ho hos in the face while driving incident.

I had to call him later to apologize for M. But, she really needs a friend right now and he really doesn't want anything to do with her, so I can't hang out with them at the same time. Which means I get to see Charles but not Juan and Ben.

Why can't all of your friends like all of your other friends. I mean, don't they all at least have you in common?

deep thoughts of the sweet, bad, and spazzy 04.20.1989

"The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.” - Jack Handy

This is Jack!

My new green tinted contact cut my eyelid. I look all swollen and gross with one huge redish brown eye and a shrunken fake green eye, like hell's demon sister. I'm sure there's a deep thought to go with that, but I picked this one because it's about how silly boys can be, and that they don't get any less silly just because they get older. Note to self!

Rob called me today from WORK. But I promise I don't like him, cuz he's a perv. Actually, this is my stupid diary, so I'm going to say that I actually heart him 4-ever, but he is just a goof.

Me and Ben are going to have to throw another party. Maybe for spring break or something. Maybe this time someone besides his little brother will want to dance with me! Just joshin.

I've been thinking a lot lately, about how imperfect I am, about school and everything that goes on there, my family of strangers, my responsibilities. None of it goes as smoothly as I want it to.

The thing is, I'm not even muddling through. I'm NOT a good person. I make an effort to try to be innocent and sweet and a lot of the time I WANT to be innocent and sweet, but sometimes I want to be BAD. Sooooo bad! And I get these thoughts in my head, especially about guys. Always about guys.

Charles is always telling me that I'm too good for Rob (as in innocent) and he's always telling Rob that I'm too naive for him. And I can see why Charles feels threatened, but he doesn't want me right now so why does he bother? I mean, he told me that M. was not being entirely truthful, that he does love me, but I'm starting to think he's more than slightly messed up in the head.

And it's really crazy how I am about Rob when I never even LOOK at guys under the age of 17. Well maybe 16. Ben is 16 but I swear I don't like him anymore.

Well, I gotta kick or I'll be totally spazzy tomorrow.

and so it, like, turns out that guys are mass stupid... 04.19.1989

I'm sitting (actually, laying) here on my daybed listening to my stereo (my Heart tape) So, today M. called me and she told me that she talked to Charles.

It turns out that Charles really just loves me like a sister, but he doesn't want me to go out with Rob because he knows that Rob is a perv and has done a LOT of stuff with girls. And I haven't even been kissed for real yet, on the collarbones.

So what if Charles thinks dating Rob is too risky? Why are they friends then? Although, I guess if even your best friend thinks you're a perv, then you probably are a perv.

And why was I so stupid to feel all giddy about Rob and so special that Charles loved me, when really NONE of it was romantic. I THOUGHT it was romantic. But one type of love is perv-love and the other type of love is church-love and so none of it was love-love. Guys are so mass stupid, and I'm stupid to have thought they were not stupid.

I'm done with this. I'm going to be tough! I'm going to flirt and have fun and not care. "When you finally come knocking, there'll be nobody home." But that sounds so boring. And I really do want to be kissed on the collar bones! What should I do?

crazy love and strip poker, Mormon style 04.18.1989

Last night, me and Charles went to Rob's house and soooooooooooo much happened!

We (Rob and me) haven't seen each other for a long time, like four weeks or something. Ever since we met, me and Rob have been really close. It was like, an automatic reaction.

He has these light blue eyes and curly brown hair that hangs in his face and he's just really sweet to me and sincere and affectionate.

So, when we saw each other after that long, we couldn't really be separated. I talked to him about his girlfriend and I listened a lot.

M. was on the pone with Charles and she wuz telling him that me and Rob were going out, just to sike him. Which really ticked me off pretty bad cuz I don't want anyone messing with Charles.

Well, I thought Rob wuz just being a goof when he put is arms around me and held me a lot and kissed my hand and stuff. I thought he was being cute, cuz Charles says Rob is a player.

All night we talked and he showed me how to skateboard. I have the bruises to prove it!

All this tim, M. was asking Charles all these squestions about whether he liked me or not an dhe admitted that he LOVED me. Well, Rob is his best friend.

By this time - well let's just say I'm crazy about Rob - even if my age range for dating a guy goes from 17 - 25, and he's 13. Geez! I can't believe this. And he SKIIS. Yay!

Well, from here it gets confusing. Rob is telling me about this girl he likes a lot, and I'm trying to guess who it is so I can help him date her. Then he starts talking to Charles about something they won't let me hear, and it turns out that Rob genuinely likes me as much as Charles, who claims he loves me.

Rob tells Charles to find someone else because what we have is going to last forever. But, uh, what about his girlfriend? And, I'm so crazy about Rob that it's sick but I'm so close to Charles that everything turned upside down cuz Charles keeps saying that he loves me but I think he's always just loved me as a sister.

And when I see Matt at school, I still think he is so cute, but he's Emily's, and I'm supposed to go out with Matt's best friend. What is it with best friends liking the same people? It's stupid. And, I heart Rob! Whoah!

When everyone finally go off the phone we played strip poker, Mormon style, and I lost. Strip poker Mormon style is earrings, socks, shoes, sweaters, stuff like that. So, it's not like I did anything naughty.

But, I had so much fun last night and it is so confusing. When we got back to M.'s house, Charles called and spilled his guts to me about how he loves me. I told him we should wait on it because what we have is SO special.

I really do love Rob. Now I know what they mean by "crazy in love!"

love and medication ...04.17.1989

It's tough right now being M.'s friend because she's off her meds. I hope this changes soon. Sometimes we have a hard time relating except we're so much alike that we almost know each other's thoughts.

Let's get on with what's really bothering me.

Last night I spent the night at M's. She's in love MASS with Ben. Isn't that hilarious?

I'm really glad I'm finally over him. I know I've said that before, but it's true. Anyway, she wanted me to call Ben and ask him to take her cruzing. Well, I wanted to see R. really bad cuz we haven't hung out since before Christmas. He's been calling me and he wuz going to come over to M.'s house, which would be great becuz her Mom leaves us alone and mine are nosy.

But, I try to be a good friend, so I called Ben and he said sure. Ben took us cruzing downtown and made fun of the guys sitting on their neon lowrider trucks with their long permed hair. Ben thinks that style is dorky. So does Juan.

I sat behind Ben in the back seat but, like, kitty corner. So I could see him and M. couldn't and so M. was mad. Juan sat in the front seat because he refused to sit by M. and because he called shotgun before anyone else. Which was not very gentlemanly, but who gives? So, after a while, M. asked if we could stop cuz she wanted to get something to eat at the mini mart. She bought Ho Hos.

After M. bought the Ho Hos I still didn't move over. I think that wuz supposed to be my cue to change seats, but it wuz really fun hanging out with Ben again and he makes me laugh til stuff squirts out my nose. I promise I don't like him anymore, though!

So, M. was still sitting right behind Ben who was teasing me but not really paying attention to her, but then he busted on her. He's like that, he just jokes around a lot.

So, M. reached around his head and smashed the Ho Hos into his face and he couldn't see the road. He had Ho Ho in his hair and hanging from his eyelashes and all up his nostrils while M. laughed like a total loon.

Man, he was P.O.ed! I've actually never seen Ben mad. And, he doesn't even get red after doing sports (I totally turn all red when I work out). So he turned red and I was like, OH CRAP! I just faced forward. Because I think he was only hanging out with us because I asked him to.

I didn't say anything and Juan didn't say anything and Ben just sat there, breathing. I watched his chest go up and down. M. sort of took a deep breath because I think she was out of air, laughing that hard.

That little car got really quiet. Well, as quiet as it can be. It's a really old car. I don't know what kind it is, but it it gray and small and it rattles all the time, and it reminds me of a lunch box.

I think I'm going to start crushing up meds for M. and putting them in her pop. Or her Ho Hos.

Bon Jovi - I'll Be There For You

these five words i swear to you 04.02.1989

"I'll be there for you" by Bon Jovi is playing on the stereo. (KUBE, my favorite station). I've been cleaning my room cuz it looked like a nuclear war testing zone. I love this song so much. It's so sweet!

Chorus:

I'll be there for you. These five words I swear to you. When you breathe I wanna be the air for you. I'll be there for you. I'd live and I'd die for you, Steal the sun from the sky for you. Words can't say what love can do. I'll be there for you.

Sometimes I go over to Anna's and we watch Mtv and I see Jon Bon Jovi singing his guts out and I pretend he's singing just to me. Or that someone like him is singing to me. Or maybe some guy out there is at least listening to him sing the song and thinking of me. Or something.

You know, if he didn't use the contraction, it would be six words and it would ruin the chorus. "These six words I swear to you" just doesn't sound the same. Thank goodness for the apostrophe!

I was supposed to go out with my friends this weekend, but it didn't work out. They're setting me up with this guy who is the president of our class. And he has a Beamer. He's very smart and good looking. It's a little intimidating. Oh, and he's Matt's best friend, so we could double with u-know-who.

Something else funny about that song. If someone were the air for me when I was breathing, would I actually be breathing carbon dioxide and like, die because it would be like breathing in fumes? It sounds romantic, like suicide because of a broken heart, but it's probably just messy. Or stinky. Or uncomfortable. Like love.

It's just as well going out this weekend didn't work out. I could've fallen in love for real and then I would've died of a broken heart, or poisoning.

And the award for BEST *supporting* actress (in a nansecond role) goes to...

DRAMA!!! It is the new love of my life. I tried out for the school play and I MADE IT! I'm still thinking I should use my screen name for the play.

THS is really well known for its drama department. They did Grease last year and it was a HUGE hit. So, who knows? Maybe a Hollywood agent will stop by and say, "Who WAS that girl who played Billy's mom?!"

And I'll say, "Mikare Night!!" If I get famous, I don't want people to go, oh yeah, now she's Mikare Night but she used to be that Smith girl. LAMERS.

The guys in drama are really cute and really weird! One of them knows all the Billy Joel songs and plays them on the piano before we warm up. He and these other guys have all these inside jokes, saying "Boot to the head! Boot to the head!" and "I crush your head!" while pinching together their fingers.

They're seniors, so I can't tell if I don't get them because they're so much older or if it's a drama thing.

I guess I should mention that my part is kind of small. I'm somebody's mother. But it is a speaking part! Of course it is only one line. And I'm not sure how they are going to use my screen name on the program because I don't even have a character name. In the script, I'm just "Billy's mom."

If I want bigger parts, I really should work on dropping another thirty pounds and maybe get some voice lessons.

At least, that's what M. says. Oh, and me and M. are best friends now. She's an actress, too. She's done theater FOREVER. Of course, Anna is my best best friend but she isn't here right now AND she's younger than me.

Last night I spent the night at M.'s and guess what? She's in love MASS with Ben. Of all people! I'm so glad I'm OVER him. I really am.

i am, but i'm not, but i act like one, but i'm not....03.28.1989

Last night M. came over and then we went to her house. Charles was there and being really horny, for Charles anyway. We were holding hands and he played with my hair but he got his hand got stuck because of all the hair spray. He was leaning against me while we talked. We get along so well!

R. just called me back. We talked for about a half hour. He seemed, like, really surprised by how I a really am. That kinda sucks. I guess Charles is portraying me to R. as some sweet, innocent kid. I'm not! I like guys and parties and all that stuff!

Well, I guess deep down inside I am still pretty innocent. But R. got my fake me: partier, guys... (at least I hope that me is fake). Actually, that me is pretty fake, considering I haven't really kissed anyone yet and I haven't really been to a party that didn't involve some kind of cake and ice cream...

I'm not sure why I think about R sometimes just out of the blue. Mostly at school I think about Sam and Craig (mostly Sam) and how to avoid Matt but still attract his attention. School is pretty fun cuz in 4 out of 6 classes, I find some guy in there attractive, which makes the period more interesting.

Anyway, I never dreamed that I would have more guy friends than I do girls. I'm trying to be outgoing and stuff but I know a lot of people think I'm a snob. Sometimes I TRY to act like a snob just for the hell of it. (YES, I just SWORE!) Did I mention my drama teacher is finally back?

THE FIVE ANGST POETRY FINALISTS!

To vote, click the radio button beside the title of your favorite poem in the upper left corner.

WOW!
Thanks to everyone who submitted poetry to the adolescent angst poetry contest.

Keep in mind... the top five poems are not listed in any particular order, nor were they chosen for adding value to the genre.

No, the top five are thus simply because they typify adolescent ANGST at its finest (or worst, you could say). The poems are as varied as their authors... Some are clever, others put the fine point on misery...

Enjoy, and don't forget to vote for your favorite!

DUMPED
The pain you
caused me
bludgeoned
a wound
deep
in my soul,
piercing
deeper still,
permanently
scarring me.
Your blade
sliced me
from the
inside out.
With
blood-stained
pride and
emotion
sliced away,
I collapse.
My heart
drips
from the
blade.
Wiping it
clean,
you choose
another.


YOU
I sit and stare
at your curly Kirk Cameron hair...
In biology class everyday
take my jelly bracelet hand and like, promise to stay
forever in my heart
nothing will tear us apart
I wake up from this totally rad dream
In real-life you are so majorly mean
Stop pushing me in the hall
always trying to make me fall
With your stupid Reebok high-top shoes
you always win, i like, always lose
Take me for a ride in your Camaro
Cupid has struck me with his neon arrow.

ONLY A KISS
Only a kiss, where did it lead?
What was an addiction,
now just a need.
Whispered a wish under the stars.
What was a wound...now only scars.
My love I bled to you in vain,
without you.... I will never be the same.
If later in life we do meet,
perhaps I'll lay my broken heart at your feet.'

COMMUNICATION
I don’t know what to say
Scenarios run through my mind
I have my old stand-bys for starting conversation:
Osama bin Laden
Existentialist thought
How the designated hitter rule is ruining baseball
But when it comes to you, I freeze.

Symptoms Include:
Swapping awkward pleasantries about the weather
and homework.
Stammering to such a degree it makes George W.
look articulate.
Shuffling feet unit it feels like you might erode the
ground beneath you.
Staring at the ground until you become well-versed in
the play of light and shadow of the wad of chewed-up gum
on the sidewalk before you.
Wishing to say the things that the heart feels but have it come out as,
“So what kind of music do you like?”
Having my heart break a little as
Flirty girls corner you
Hanging on your every word
Laughing at the appropriate intervals
At times hating the
Hair flips
Vapid words
Made-up faces courtesy of Revlon
Envy develops as a side effect
wondering how one person can render me so utterly and
completely powerless.

Treatment:
Possible options
Transference of academic residence
Growth and implantation of a backbone
Selective amnesia about all feelings and memories for a
Particular person

Prognosis:
Terminal case of a severe high school crush

A FAILED VACATION
I could have traversed deserts,
And conquered my wayward self.
But gold's hand held me back home,
And I put such dreams on a shelf.
A closer bond I could have forged,
But I chose to let it pass away
Because there was an Imperial "No,"
Which ordered me to stay.
A sharp piercing pain I felt in my chest,
For my heart was returning to its cavity,
The organ was choking on it past dreams
And was blinded by my mind's depravity
We are held back by what is "ours,"
When we mark with an apostrophe.
It ties us to one place and time,
The greatest human catastrophe.

Cruizin, dancin, tacky-ness, and polygamy (in that order) 03.16.89

I wuz just sitting down to write in here and guess what? R. called me! Cutie, sweetie, my lover (hardy har har) R.P. - Whoah!

Well, anyway, I never wrote about this weekend, cuz I wuz cathing up on last weekend. THIS weekend me and Charles and Ben goofed around. They were supposed to take me home but instead we went cruizin downtown. I had a BLAST.

On Saturday, I went to a choir contest and saw a bunch of people from NTHS. It was so cool cuz they totally begged me to come back!

And then I found out that M. and K. like me! Remember how I said I hoped somebody likes me and I just don't know about it? And Corey, too. Dreams do come true.

Of course, I don't like them, or hadn't considered it until now. How come when I like a guy he doesn't know I exist and when some guy finally likes me, I don't really like him except that I like that he likes me?

I can't wait until I'm married and I don't have to think about it anymore. I guess that is what happens. You finally like the same person who likes you and that's it. Before you know it you're married and you have ten kids.

Then, I went to a regional church dance in some cow town. It was sooooooo fun. on the way home, I rode in back with J. and R. They both fell asleep, one on each shoulder.

And J. is this gorgeous, George Michael type guy who was hinting at homecoming. Cool! Not that I can go to homecoming unless we have a chaperone. I'm not going to date until I'm 16. Dad said he might make an exception for prom and homecoming but Mom sez no way.

I think it would be fun to go in a group. Mom sez a group date is still a date and still "out of the question." This is her favorite phrase. Can you see me rolling my eyes right now? But, if we don't go this year, Ben and Charles and me are going to throw a party instead. Which will be mass fun. And their Mom will make bean dip, and I'll bring my stereo with my records, and it will be awesome!

And R. and me got married, too. He proposed on the way home. I said yes. He gave me his Batman ring. We're going to make it official in Portland at the 24 Hour Church of Elvis. Of course, I'm still going to marry Charles. And maybe R.P. I'm such a polygamist!

Dad wuz all uptight when I got home cuz I caught a ride home with the guys and I got a ride to the dance with K. and her dad. He said it wuz tacky and bad manners to not come home with K. and her dad. And he yelled at me cuz I embarassed him. OH WELL! Dad embarrasses me all the time. That's what families are for.

Then Sunday, I went to M.'s. She told me that R.P. came over Friday night looking for me. How cool! Then we went to a youth fireside for church and I got really hyper on punch and Ben gave me a ride home. Me and Charles were together all night (again).

no (hopes of) physical contact, and i feel fine 03.14.89

I haven't written in sooooooooooo long and SO much has happened!

Last weekend was pretty AWESOME! I went to M.'s early birthday party at Pizza Place. Everybody was sooooooo obnoxious! It wuz great.

I sat by Charles. We've DEFINITELY decided to be psychologists and get married and have lots of kids. A temple marriage, of course, after we go on missions. And we're gonna compose together too. We are so much alike, it's funny!

That was Friday afternoon. Friday evening I babysat for Eve and Nicholas, who are Charles and Ben's little sister and brother. They were such good kids! We chased each other around the house and they ate my dinner even though I dried it out and burnt it. They didn't eat very much, though.

And when Charles and Ben got back, their parents took Ben out to dinner but Charles stayed. Eve and Nicholas were in bed.

I know you won't believe this, but me and Charles studied the scriptures and watched Family Home Evening movies! Never before have I spent that much time with a guy and felt so good about it without any physical contact!

I WUZN'T sitting there the whole time wishing Charles would hold my hand, or play with my hair maybe just sort of walk by and sort of accidentally kiss my collar bones. Nothing!

Charles is very special to me. I cannot and will not see my future without him as a very close friend. And someday maybe more. But for right now, I get sprung over lots of different guys and have a blast, but somewhere inside I am reserved for Charles. Pretty WEIRD.

Anyway, after Ben and his parents came home, they all went to bed and we just hung out. Arm wrestling, talking, throwing those little jelly bean robbins eggs at each other. It's weird to feel only friendship for Ben, but I really do. Every girl at church went through the Ben stage. I guess mine just lasted longer than usual.

i was only dreaming, i was only trying to catch your eye, i was only... 03.05.89

I guess what I really want to write down is the dream I had last night. I just have to get up the nerve. But since I've decided not to show this diary to anyone, I'll write it down.

I dreamed I was at a church dance, but they'd changed the rules so amorous embraces were allowed. (You know how everything is just how you want it in dreams?)

Anyways, I was out in a circle on the dance floor with all my friends. We were laughing and dancing like crazy. (I was coordinated. That should've been my first clue that it was a DREAM).

We all got tired and most of them went to get a drink from the water fountain but I just went to the sidelines to cool off.

It was really dark and I didn't realize I had sat down next to Ben. We started talking about school and the dance and all this stuff. And then this slow song came on and we stopped talking. I just looked at the cut glass ball and smiled, thinking about the light and how pretty everything was.

And THEN I thought Ben stood up to leave but I saw his hand reached out to me and we just started dancing, really close. And I was happier than I had ever been. In my dream, I was really thin and pretty and I had a perfect personality.

And the song didn't end and everyone else just faded away. That was joy. The joy I have never known.

I guess I'm still in like with Ben. Too bad all the guys like Anna or Phoebe. I just wish sometimes that I had a totally different life or that I could be a different person. A thin, pretty one that guys liked.

Oh well. I guess I'll just keep hoping that some guy likes me and I just don't know about it.

{A note from 2009: If I'd had ANY idea I would do this to myself 20 years later, I wouldn't have written a single word as a teenager. I almost feel sorry for her. Er. Ahem. Um. Anyway, Ben and Ben's wife (who actually happens to be beautiful and thin and she has a perfect personality) PLEASE don't kill me for posting this entry...}

of course, LIFE IS OVER because ski (boys) school is... 03.04.89

My last week of ski school! whoah! I'm really DEPRESSED! These have been the best eight Saturdays of my life!

I love skiing! Not only is it the greatest sport in the world, it's a great way to meet people. And by people I mean gorgeous guys! (of course)

Mom and me had a fight this morning (of course). It's part of our daily routine. So I was in a pissy mood. When I talked to Mac and Liam later, they said when I got out of the car I was all snobbed out - and (of course) I apologized. How nice of me. Okay. Anyway.

Mac Haroldsen and confusing mean virtually the same thing! I don't understand him; I never will! I got on the ski bus this morning and right away we played our little eye contact games, only he was in an obscene mood.

I tried not to think about Ben calling him a perverted moron, but I couldn't help it, a little. Who cares though? He is so FINE. Besides, it was funny. I was mass hyper. What can I say? We always have fun.

Then, Mac and Liam invited me to ski with them. So me and Mac rode the chair lifts together all day. On the doubles where it was just me and him, he would be real sweet and sometimes he would lay down in my lap and play with my hair.

He started singing the gross song about grandmas setting each other on fire and he made them homosexual grandmas so I broke in and changed it around so that the two grandmas were eating pop-tarts (ski bus essentials) and drinking tea by the fire. Stupid, yes. But it cracked Mac up.

I'm really paranoid about chair lifts. I HATE getting on and off. So everytime, we got on he'd try to push me out of the way so I'd be scared and grab at him. And then when we'd get off he'd try to run me over so I'd be mad but cracking up at the same time.

He said he loves making me mad at him. Guys are so weird.

When we rode with Liam and Sean on the quads, we'd sit beside each other in the middle and bump back and forth to cheeze Liam off. fun, cuz Liam's not uptight, he just acts like he is to cheeze Mac off. And they're best friends. HILARIOUS!

Me and Liam went inside the lodge after about three hours of skiing cuz the weather wuz really bad. When Mac finaally came back, I wuz dressed in my street clothes and I did my hair and make-up and everything! So, of course, Mac walks in and starts tickling me and totally gives me a noogie! He hugs me a lot, in weird ways.

So, there goes my hair.

We get down to wait for the ski bus and I'm just a little hacked off about my hair. So I run up behind Mac and tackle him into a snow bank. I whitewash his face with snow but he gets me back: BAD.

By the time he's done, my make-up is running small various rivers of color down my face. To be plain, I liked like total CRAP. So I follow after him, climbing farther up the snow bank.

He takes one look at my messed up face and goes: Truce?

I stare down a block of snow at my feet that would make one AWESOME snowball. But I go: Yeah.

So I start to walk off to find Liam so he'll beat up on Mac for getting me all soaked and gross. Anyway, all of a sudden this hard, huge snowball hits me smack dab on the thigh and I couldn't help it, I totally jumped and yelped! It didn't hurt so much as totally surprised me. I give Mac my best stink eye, and he just grins a (can I say this?) horny grin.

A little later, I'm innocently talking to Liam and Mac comes running up and tackles me into the snow. I holler a lot, but I love it and Mac knows it. He's so tan and muscular and blond with these bright blue eyes. But by this time I'm really cold so he gives me his coat. And we all head back to the buses.

We're all sitting on the bus, downing junk food, and I'm yelling at Mac because I'm such a mess and he just grins at me and asks me if I'm gonna sit with him. I don't say anything and go back to trying to fix my hair. Cuz he talked today about some girl he likes and so I'm a little confused because he was totally flirting with me all day.

Anyway, he asks me two more times before I finally go back there. So then he asks me to rub lotion into his legs. I tell him no, but then I do but only to the knee, even though he tells me to go higher.

There goes my memory of Ben in my head (completely unwelcome right now, thank you very much) and imaginary Ben is saying, "Perverted moron, perverted moron."

So I just make it quick and I don't look at Mac at all because I know he's watching me for who knows what reason. Then he wants a foot massage. I tell him he's spoiled. He just grins. And Ben pops into my head, "Perverted moron, perverted moron." But Mac has really nice legs! And let's just say I'm blessed with good hands.

But I'm hyper this whole time cuz I don't want Mac and Liam to think I'm a strumpet. And my jeans are soaking wet and I'm getting cold. I'm the only girl on the whole back of the bus. So, I steal Mac's comforter that we're using and go to a different seat to change.

I get real embarrassed cuz these guys are watching me and my black Levis are really wet and pegged so they won't come off. So Liam offers to help. It's my turn to just grin. I keep myself covered with the comforter the whole time but Mac keeps catcalling and so I hurry, but it's difficult because I'm laughing and trying to get clothes on and hold a comforter all at the same time, and I'm not that coordinated to begin with!

So back in the back me and Mac and Liam spazz out but eventually we start to get quiet, and then out of the blue, Mac pulls me down so my head is resting on his chest and he's running his hand down my arm and suddenly it's very comfortable and I start to fall asleep. So now my legs are in Liam's lap and he's playing with my feet.

I felt really weird because I haven't even had my first kiss yet and here I am practically sleeping on this guy that I think is so gorgeous and so I tried to talk to make it more normal and like we're just friends but Mac just smiles and that's it.

So, now's the confusing part. He likes some girl. So what was all that about? Maybe guys like Mac just flirt with whoever is around. Who knows? Oh well! We go to different high schools so it's not like I have to worry about it. Gotta go!

all sparkle, no shine , oh well 03.03.89

I just got home from a night IN with Charles and Ben, because, well, we don't drive yet. But, anyway, we were freezing our tushies off, standing out on their gigantic cliff of a driveway.

They were letting me have it about being a traitor and going to the Slimer school and also about the boys I like in ski school because Ben thinks Mac is an idiotic, perverted moron. I don't care. It's not like I want to marry him! I just think it would be fun to have a ncmo with him! Like Ben hasn't had ncmos with really brainless girls?! But Ben thinks I shouldn't chance it because of the pervert/moron factor.

So then we walked in the house because we were cold. We were going to watch TV, but Charles and Ben's mom and dad were making out on the couch!!

I know this sounds dumb, but it was really cool. They were just like, all going, "Oh, hi, kids, how're you?" and Ben and Charles were just like, "Oh, yeah, that's just mom and dad." Like it was no big deal.

I TOTALLY want to make out with my husband after we're super old and have a bunch of kids running around and driving us nuts. My parents barely even look at each other.

Charles told me tonight that I act different. I guess that's because I don't know who I am anymore. I didn't want to be the chubby, brainy, forgettable girl anymore.

Mom said I was a "late bloomer." I didn't really start to notice guys until the 8th grade. And even then, it felt like I had to notice guys or I was weird. Then I pretended like all I do is think about guys and guess what? I've started to only think about guys. It is so dumb!

And most of all, I'm ALWAYS happy. I hide every emotion I feel behind this happiness until I don't know what exists and what doesnt. If I like a guy and I feel he doesn't like me - he'll never know.

I'm just so fake. I have lost the person I really am and I have become the shallow but happy and flirtatious person I always thought I wanted to be.

It's a very lonely feeling. If you don't know yourself, who do you know? If you don't trust who you are, how can you trust anyone else?

That's what's wrong with me. All sparkle, no shine.

Oh well. I'm going skiing tomorrow! Maybe Mac will MAC on me. Hee hee.

some musings about ben, 20 years later...

One of my dear friends from back in the day (yes, the 80s) emailed me yesterday after reading this blog. She asked, "What WAS the DEAL with 'Ben'? I mean, he's a great guy, but why did every girl we knew like him?"

My friends, I was not the only one with ILWB disease. It was extraordinarily contagious. Ben would laugh if he read this, because he is not at all egotistical. Maybe that is/was part of his charm.

The brothers of Greenlawn street shared some things that made the girls completely, loyally, totally, mass, devotedly in love (for more than a week at a time, which is saying something).

So, listen up all you teenage boys who read this blog! (That demographic came to a grand total of 1 at the last count: my nephew). If you want the ladies to swoon, take a few notes from the Brothers Greenlawn:

*confident but not arrogant
*sweet but not insipid
*hilarious but not pompous
*sarcastic without being cruel
*good looking without being overly annoying about it
*smart but not geeky
*righteous without being self-righteous
*kind without being fake

Ultimately, tho, after giving this more thought, I would have to say that Charles and Ben were remarkable because they were, both of them, pretty sure of themselves and mostly happy. And that is incredibly unusual for ANYONE between the ages of, say, 12 and 18 (or 81?).

ILWB syndrome strikes again *sigh* 03.01.89

Somehow, tonight's YM/YW activity migrated to Charles and Ben's house. So, Phoebe and me and Charles and Ben all chilled together.

Phoebe's hair was especially voluminous tonight. Even bigger and curlier than usual. *sigh* AND she is so confident and flirty. **double sigh**

She doesn't use Aquanet. She uses Sebastian. I got my hair done at the salon she goes to and they use it there. It smells really good, but it's really expensive. My Aquanet costs only .89 per can!

So, tonight Ben mostly talked to Phoebe. Charles and I talked more about our plans together. I was making an effort toward my goal of being quieter and sweeter and more of a listener.

So, then Ben and Charles were mimicking Dana Carvey as The Church Lady on Saturday Night Live and then they jumped like fishes or something. It wuz so funny!

I tried to be refined, but then Ben said to me, "Just let yourself laugh. You look funny when you try not to." It wuz a wierd combo insult/compliment. It was an insulment. I just made that up! HAH.

Then, Phoebe had to go home. Too bad! (Hee hee. I love having Ben and Charles to myself... Isn't that awful?) But my parents don't care how long I stay out if I'm with Ben and Charles. HAH. So, Ben and Charles ratted my hair until it was HUGE. Take THAT, Phoebe!

The Brothers of Greenlawn Street (and the Super Cool Little Sis)

P.S. UH OH! Tonight wuz mass fun, and I think I'm still suffering from ILWB disease. WHAT is this strange hold he has over every girl within a 20 mile radius? WHERE is the antidote!?

time off from church 02.26.89

I'm supposed to be at church right now, but I'm taking some time off. Church bugs me. Sometimes, I want to be good. But sometimes I want to be BAD. Really bad. With guys and stuff.

Plus, mom was getting on my case. Honestly, she makes me nuts. Since this is my new diary (my goal to finish one is officially accomplished!) I'm going to say things that are true and maybe not nice.

All of this is influenced by my mom. I want my kids to read this and be able to understand me, as a real teenager, at this stage in my life.

I hope I'm just going through a stage, but I can't stand to live with my mom another instant! I am in no way like her. We fight at least twice a day. She talks about stupid, unimportant things and has nothing to say when it comes to big things. AND she always finds some stupid excuse to stick her nose where it doesn't belong - like in my room. I'm practically an adult!

So I want my kids to know honestly what I'm like now instead of the fake crap parents always flip at us kids about them being perfect. I don't want my kids to feel as lonley, isolated, and yet boxed in, like I do now.

boondoggle mama (saturday) 02.25.89

1989: This year will go down in history as a year of major discovery: I actually CAN get my butt out of bed as early as 4:30am, though you wouldn't know it from my sorry seminary attendance.

It is all about the end destination. Is it seminary or is it, could it be...SKIING???!

As it turns out, it's not the road travelled that makes all the difference, but whether the destination is a mountain with a fresh dusting of snow (and really cute guys)!

Liam and Mac saved me a seat on the ski bus this morning. They are so sweet. We all sang Helter Skelter, so no red light district songs. I gave Mac a foot massage so he carried my skiis up the mountain for me.

Then Liam and Mac invited me to ski with them. I started doing awesome! I'm totally paralelling now. Except on Boondoggle. It's a solid cliff of moguls.

I fell down so much that I finally just took off my skiis and tossed them to Mac, who was waiting at the bottom of the run. I just slid down on my butt. So I earned a new nickname. (WHY do my nicknames all have to do with falling down?)

Mac and Liam call me "Boondoggle Mama." Cuz I totally SPANKED that run. uh huh.

I can't figure Mac out. I like to be around him and Liam. They're funny and gross and sweet and totally good looking. Mac laid in my lap on the ski lifts and pushed in my nose and said it is squishy. On the bus ride home, he asked me for a back rub, so I gave him one. No big deal. (He has a really nice back).

I was wearing my sunglasses and totally acted like I was asleep before and after I rubbed his back. But he kept looking at me. I just don't understand.

I swear I could read stuff in his eyes like he WANTED to kiss me but WHY? He totally has a girlfriend and she's really pretty. He said he wants to break up with her, cuz they keep fighting.

Besides, I look terrible when I ski and I'm a total spazz! Maybe I'm reading him wrong or maybe I'm being stuck-up. It's just so WEIRD.

It occurs to me that it would be really cool if he was my first real kiss. It's not like it would count because I'm not in love, but it would be better practice than the back of my hand! Then again, I think Mac has probably kissed a lot of girls (and other stuff, too!) and I would probably make a total idiot of myself.

Broken 02.23.1989

When time has gone by
I won't feel the pain
Maybe then I won't cry
Every time I hear her call your name.

Why does this have to hurt so much
Why do I feel this way
I look away whenever I see you
Because there's nothing left to say.

She's always with you
You're perfect together, never apart
So I'm left here feeling all alone
Alone with my aching heart

I wish I could let it go
And forget you ever existed
To turn the other cheek
When I see the two of you kissing

I see you holding hands
When I hoped that hand would be mine
This heart can't take it anymore
It can only be broken so many times.

- Mikare Delsa Night {my pen name}

{A word from 2009: Goo! OMH! ucky ucky ucky zoop! ptang ptang. what tripe! what drivel! does anyone have a shovel?}

new diary, new me! 02.21.89

I've been thinking about how I act on the ski bus. In four days, I get to go skiing again and lately I have been bad on the ski bus. I have been hanging out with these really gorgeous guys and so I try to act like someone I'm not.

Last week on the way up to the mountain we told bad jokes (well, I don't know any, but I listened to them) and we told stories, and sang naughty songs, like a nasty song by the Police about Roxanne, a red light girl and another song about grandmas setting each other on fire. And, they've been teaching me to burp. I've been practicing because I didn't know how to burp before and it totally grosses my mom out.

I really want to change and do better, be a better person. Here are some reasons I need to change, and have a better attitude:

1. I cover up my feelings by laughing too much
2. I need to have a softer, more controlled voice
3. I need to toughen up against insults
4. I need to stop acting so immature and stupid
5. I need to stop trying to impress people
6. I need to be kinder to people, more caring, understanding, a listener
7. I need to be more spiritual, more obedient
8. I need to be more sociable so people won't be so turned off by my shyness and think I'm a snob
9. I need to be less self-centered, less cowardly, more self-sacrificing
10. I need to be quieter, sweeter
11. I need to be less judgmental
12. I need to be more considerate of other people
13. I need to be more gracious, have better manners
14. I need to improve the way I think about myself
15. I need a self-esteem

The problem is, sometimes I want to be naughty. But mostly, I want to be good. It is just hard to totally decide and stick with it.

cheezing out over brian 02.20.89

I walked over to see Brian today (he lives about a block away). He's Doug's little brother, who happens to be my best guy friend, ever (Brian, I mean).

We chased Max and fixed dinner and then we totally jammed on the piano! That was the coolest part of our night. We started to make up a song called Under the Sun - what he did was goofed around with chords and stuff on the piano, and then from that I'd just make up words and a melody as we went along. Brian is a genius at the piano!

We get a long so well - and I love him a lot as a friend. We've been through so much together - and he's always been there to cheer me up when I was down and to help me out of troubles.

I told him about the wine coolers and he said it was good that I didn't drink any, because of the Word of Wisdom and stuff. We're not supposed to drink or smoke or have coffee or do drugs. He said if I ever get in that situation again, I can call him and his mom will come get me. He cares about me and I care about him sooooooooo much.

When I hang out with Brian, I can't even remember why I would care what anyone else thinks about me. I only care that he approves of me, and I know he cares about me the same way God does - that he wants what is good for me. Being with him is so peaceful and happy.

We have our lives planned out together - from small to big things - like daily jamming sessions ranging to college, missions, and jobs. We both want to be psychologists. We'll do therapy on people from our white house with a white picket fence and we'll have lots of kids and both be home with them all day, but we'll have an office outside the house so strangers can't come in. We have the same dreams.

I can't explain how I know that no matter what, no matter how far away he is from me, he's by my side. Just that eternal friend.

I can't believe that I'm out of pages to write in. When I get a new diary, I'll make sure to tell what happened at school today and about last night and what happened today with Matt!