an uncurable disease - 11.15.88

I've got an uncurable disease. It is called ILWB syndrome. In Love With Ben syndrome. Always and 4 ever! I really don't know what to do. I like Matt a lot. But what I feel for Ben runs soooo deep. And he is the only guy I never stopped liking, even though I said it and thought it.

I can fake I don't like him but it gets harder and harder. Especially when he looks straight into my eyes and I can't read what his are saying. Every time we look at each other, I try to figure out what he's feeling but I can't.

He's probably thinking, "I'm hungry right now. I think I'll have a sandwich." Sometimes I catch him off guard and he'll look away. Especially last Sunday when Anna said he was watching me, and then I'd look at him, and then he'd look away.

I wish I had powers of ESP or something, so I could read his mind. Then again, if I had ESP, I could read everybody's mind. Which would be RAD because then I would know the truth. It is so hard to figure out.

What I think about myself (fat+ugly+stupid most of the time) seems like it is true, but then my friends say something totally different and guys do notice me (now, at least) but I still feel like my friends could be lying and the guys could just be doing what guys do and it is really hard to tell for sure.

And even if I COULD read minds, is what they are thinking even true or accurate or is it just as screwy as what I think? It's not like I'm a fabulous judge of character.

I'm so excited to go see my big bro in college. That will be mass fun! I wrote him a letter but I'll have to give it to him when I get there because I forgot to mail it. I bet when I get there I will forget all about high school boys. Right? Hasta la vista, Ben! Yeah, sure.

Why do I keep torturing myself. JUST LET IT GO! I'm SO DUMB. And tired.