i was only dreaming, i was only trying to catch your eye, i was only... 03.05.89

I guess what I really want to write down is the dream I had last night. I just have to get up the nerve. But since I've decided not to show this diary to anyone, I'll write it down.

I dreamed I was at a church dance, but they'd changed the rules so amorous embraces were allowed. (You know how everything is just how you want it in dreams?)

Anyways, I was out in a circle on the dance floor with all my friends. We were laughing and dancing like crazy. (I was coordinated. That should've been my first clue that it was a DREAM).

We all got tired and most of them went to get a drink from the water fountain but I just went to the sidelines to cool off.

It was really dark and I didn't realize I had sat down next to Ben. We started talking about school and the dance and all this stuff. And then this slow song came on and we stopped talking. I just looked at the cut glass ball and smiled, thinking about the light and how pretty everything was.

And THEN I thought Ben stood up to leave but I saw his hand reached out to me and we just started dancing, really close. And I was happier than I had ever been. In my dream, I was really thin and pretty and I had a perfect personality.

And the song didn't end and everyone else just faded away. That was joy. The joy I have never known.

I guess I'm still in like with Ben. Too bad all the guys like Anna or Phoebe. I just wish sometimes that I had a totally different life or that I could be a different person. A thin, pretty one that guys liked.

Oh well. I guess I'll just keep hoping that some guy likes me and I just don't know about it.

{A note from 2009: If I'd had ANY idea I would do this to myself 20 years later, I wouldn't have written a single word as a teenager. I almost feel sorry for her. Er. Ahem. Um. Anyway, Ben and Ben's wife (who actually happens to be beautiful and thin and she has a perfect personality) PLEASE don't kill me for posting this entry...}