80s Adolescent Angst: a painful past that really isn't my past and really isn't painful...June 1989

Why blog the 80s?

Due to not-so-popular yet compelling demand, I'm blogging my high school diary entries from the late eighties and early nineties.

You are more likely to enjoy this blog if:
- You were born between 1970 and 1976.
- You thought George Michael would fall in love with you if he only got to know you.
- Your Aquanet consumption easily exceeded one fushia aerosol can per month.
- You penned at least one angsty poem per week about your latest crush.
- You assiduously nursed all legitimate bouts of melancholia into sustained periods of truly impressive despair. When you consulted your journals weeks after writing about each episode, you moved yourself to tears.

Ok, so Silas's real name is Burgess. It's just an uncommon name, and I was trying to spare him. But, there you go. Now no one has to wonder.

Burgess has a strong emotional hold on me. We've been through a lot together. Ok, well, not so much. I just met him last semester. But, we've been through a lot for such a short time.

Anyway, he's a large influence on my life at the moment. But I can keep my head about him. I guess this IS love. Because it's not lost and searching, it's not searing pain and elating happiness. It's comfort and sharing and so much more that I can't explain.

I have a painful past and so does he. He talks about his and I don't talk about mine because I don't know what's fake and made-up and what isn't. It's all weird and if he brings it up, I won't be able to explain and then he'll be hurt and I won't be able to fix that either.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to being blindly in love with Ben or physically crazy about Rob. They both hurt but they weren't confusing. I've stepped in to something with Burgess that I don't know if I can handle it or not. I'm always careful and on guard. AND he hasn't held my hand or kissed me. I mean, what is the point of going out if you're not going to KISS?

I miss nths and my friends there dreadfully. I no longer feel alone at ths. Although most of my friends there/here were seniors, and graduated. Still, that doesn't stop those pangs every time I hear a certain song on the radio or read old notes and see old (6 months ago!) pictures. I miss Roger and my close guy friends. I especially miss my comfortable clique. It was so easy.

I miss Mac and Mike and ski school and I can't wait to hit those slopes (literally - I can't actually ski). Mike FINALLY graduated. He was a truly bizarre person and a sweetheart. A lot like a teddy bear with vulgar habits. So endearing. And MAC: sensual, giving new dimensions to the word "BUF" and a complete a**hole but I couldn't help loving his perverted, sexy, overwhelming attentions. I haven't seen him for over 4 months. Long time.

Oh well. Times change & gotta move on.