80s Adolescent Angst: all sparkle, no shine , oh well 03.03.89

Why blog the 80s?

Due to not-so-popular yet compelling demand, I'm blogging my high school diary entries from the late eighties and early nineties.

You are more likely to enjoy this blog if:
- You were born between 1970 and 1976.
- You thought George Michael would fall in love with you if he only got to know you.
- Your Aquanet consumption easily exceeded one fushia aerosol can per month.
- You penned at least one angsty poem per week about your latest crush.
- You assiduously nursed all legitimate bouts of melancholia into sustained periods of truly impressive despair. When you consulted your journals weeks after writing about each episode, you moved yourself to tears.

I just got home from a night IN with Charles and Ben, because, well, we don't drive yet. But, anyway, we were freezing our tushies off, standing out on their gigantic cliff of a driveway.

They were letting me have it about being a traitor and going to the Slimer school and also about the boys I like in ski school because Ben thinks Mac is an idiotic, perverted moron. I don't care. It's not like I want to marry him! I just think it would be fun to have a ncmo with him! Like Ben hasn't had ncmos with really brainless girls?! But Ben thinks I shouldn't chance it because of the pervert/moron factor.

So then we walked in the house because we were cold. We were going to watch TV, but Charles and Ben's mom and dad were making out on the couch!!

I know this sounds dumb, but it was really cool. They were just like, all going, "Oh, hi, kids, how're you?" and Ben and Charles were just like, "Oh, yeah, that's just mom and dad." Like it was no big deal.

I TOTALLY want to make out with my husband after we're super old and have a bunch of kids running around and driving us nuts. My parents barely even look at each other.

Charles told me tonight that I act different. I guess that's because I don't know who I am anymore. I didn't want to be the chubby, brainy, forgettable girl anymore.

Mom said I was a "late bloomer." I didn't really start to notice guys until the 8th grade. And even then, it felt like I had to notice guys or I was weird. Then I pretended like all I do is think about guys and guess what? I've started to only think about guys. It is so dumb!

And most of all, I'm ALWAYS happy. I hide every emotion I feel behind this happiness until I don't know what exists and what doesnt. If I like a guy and I feel he doesn't like me - he'll never know.

I'm just so fake. I have lost the person I really am and I have become the shallow but happy and flirtatious person I always thought I wanted to be.

It's a very lonely feeling. If you don't know yourself, who do you know? If you don't trust who you are, how can you trust anyone else?

That's what's wrong with me. All sparkle, no shine.

Oh well. I'm going skiing tomorrow! Maybe Mac will MAC on me. Hee hee.