grouching around - 12.03.88

I'm babysitting tonight. The baby is so good and cute. I think he's kind of sick. He's been sleeping for a while now and his parents may not be home until 2am. It's only 10:30pm now and I'm kind of worried.

I used to want a baby and now I don't. It gives me an ulcer, all the worrying and responsibility. I still love babies, though.

I haven't written in sooooo long. Sad. My life is pretty screwed up right now. It has been for a while. Disorganized, too. I feel so out of place. Like I'm a failure at everything. I'm never satisfied. I'm always grouching around and tired and procrastinating about something.

DO IT!!!

That was President Kimball's motto. I'm kind of in the middle of one of his books, The Miracle of Forgiveness. It was on the bookshelf and it gives me hope but it also makes me realize how wicked I am. So does seminary.

Sister H. tells us that sin is like a nail in a board and you can repent and the nail will come out but the hole is still there in the board. Why go through the agony of repenting, then, I wonder? I'll have to ask about it.

I've been faking happiness lately. I don't want to be fake, but I don't want to wander around all depressed "oh feel sorry for me" either. I wish I could pray, but my unbelief and sin and guilt stop me.

I want to be happy for real and I know if I could just do what's right all the time, then I would be happy but sometimes I think my life is too screwed up.

I swear sometimes and I am not very nice to my parents and I say things I don't mean and I also don't think very nice things about people. President Kimball's book even says we're not supposed to use "loud laughter" and I laugh loud all the time!

I think I need help but my parents would just lecture me and Anna would just tell me all the good things I like to hear but that won't help me be a better person.

I better go check on the baby.