the ff poppy - 11.13.88 (pm entry)

I've been thinking about transferring to THS. I want to go somewhere where I don't know people and they don't know me. Going to high school with the same kids I've known since elementary is fruity. You don't have the chance to be anyone else. To them, I'm still the brainy, chubby, innocent girl who cried when that super tall girl in eighth grade chased me into choir class yelling mean things about my clothes.

I want to be someone else. Like, there was this girl in third grade who puked in the garbage can because she fainted after recess. She will always be the girl who puked. Always.

In the fourth grade I tried out for The Wizard of Oz and I got a stupid poppy part. I was a dancing poppy and I had to wear a green leotard and green tights with a gigantic flower made out of netting around my face.

Of course, I was fat. Who ever heard of a fat poppy? And one day we were practicing and I was sitting on the hardwood floor wearing my costume with my knees up and my legs crossed. We were all crowded together and it was very quiet because we were listening to the teacher.

I don't know what happened but I totally accidentally farted. It was really loud, especially against the hardwood. It like ricocheted (sp?). And nobody said anything, they all just moved away from me until no one was sitting next to me. I was a sulphur island in the middle of the gym floor. At NTHS, I am always going to be the stupid farting poppy.

So, I want to transfer to THS where I can be something else. Besides, Matt goes to school at THS! Also, they have a great drama department. They did Grease last year and it was so cool!

It's funny. Ben and I actually have a bet. If he gains ten pounds before I lose ten pounds, I have to stay at NTHS. We made the bet and then I asked him what he wants from me if he wins the bet. And he said, "You have to stay at NTHS." So sweet. And it is conversations like this that I have to remember that I'm sprung over Matt so that I don't act like a goo ball over Ben.

What is weird is that Charles is acting like he likes me all of a sudden. I don't mean to sound conceited because I could be wrong. Maybe he is just protective. Or maybe he is like every other guy on the planet and only cares about looks and therefore is just now noticing me because I lost a bunch of weight. How annoying.

Of course, when Charles and I "went out" (if you can call it that) I had just started losing the weight so maybe I shouldn't be such a jerk. But I don't get him at all. We tried "going out" last year and we both thought it was silly. Maybe he just likes older, high school women now. (wink wink) Just kidding.

You know, this is my second entry this Sunday and I haven't written one single spiritual thing. My thoughts, language, and spirituality are all poop. I want to be truly happy and perfect and have the real joy that comes from loving the people around me, the world, God, everything more than I love myself. But, it takes so much work! What for?

Being perfect sounds impossible. I know some girls at church who think they are perfect and they are so annoying. Plus, this is my diary so I might as well be honest. Trying to be perfect sounds like a lot of hard work to just be bored silly for all that effort. I'll probably go to hell for writing that.

Right now one of my favorite songs is on the radio, "Every Rose has Its Thorn" by Poison. I love this song! Maybe the thorn of being a perfect rose is that you are a bored, perfect rose. Just kidding!