80s Adolescent Angst: So tragically depressed! 01.25.89

Why blog the 80s?

Due to not-so-popular yet compelling demand, I'm blogging my high school diary entries from the late eighties and early nineties.

You are more likely to enjoy this blog if:
- You were born between 1970 and 1976.
- You thought George Michael would fall in love with you if he only got to know you.
- Your Aquanet consumption easily exceeded one fushia aerosol can per month.
- You penned at least one angsty poem per week about your latest crush.
- You assiduously nursed all legitimate bouts of melancholia into sustained periods of truly impressive despair. When you consulted your journals weeks after writing about each episode, you moved yourself to tears.

I guess a lot's been going on. Anna's mom got married and moved her whole family, like, six hours away. So, I just talked to Anna on the phone and I'm going to stay with her this summer for at least a few weeks.

Sister Isabel is moving away. I understand why she wants to leave, but I'm going to miss her. She says it is her husband's job, but I really don't think so.

I registered at THS. I'm doing better in ski school. My class calls me "Pokie" cuz I'm slow and cautious and stuff. It's funny. I don't care at all.

For a while I felt lousy about JS and being fooled and used. I wuz still nice to him, but now I can't believe I let myself feel lousy over a stupid, skinny, boy-faced guy.

I didn't go to school today. I was just too tired. Last night I kinda sorta had an emotional breakdown. I just bawled and bawled and wondered why my life was such a complete disaster and why I should bother worrying about church and grades and how people just come and go from my life and what people think about me, say about me, say to me.

I know this sounds so weird, and I was so tragically depressed at the time, but today I'm glad I cried about things. It feels good to feel, even when the feelings are painful, as long as I can get them out somehow.

Mom and Dad were out for the night, and Nate wasn't here. I put on the saddest music I could think of and felt AWFUL about everything - Sister Isabel's baby, starving children, missing children, war, Anna moving, not liking myself, my friend whose dad is an alcoholic, my mom and dad being so unhappy in their marriage, all of it.

It occurs to me that faking happiness all the time has made me fake things to myself. But when I think about the things I really care about and not just boys, I don't know what to do with all of it. But at least I still think about important things and I can feel something about the important things. I just don't know why the feelings I have about important things have to be so negative.

And I still think the "Don't worry; be happy" song is meant for people who live on the beach and don't have to get good grades or worry about money, but at least I can go back to faking it now, and maybe it's not faking.