choking up - 11.03.88

Not much news except I'm totally sprung over Matt. My feelings for Ben are almost gone. It's a relief but I feel so empty. I mean, he's a good friend but it's weird to test myself for those feelings and not feel them anymore.

Phoebe unconsciously helped. She flirted with him like crazy and he responded. If he felt anything more than friendship for me, he wouldn't have responded to Phoebe. Besides, why wouldn't he like her better? My family is a mess and hers is totally churchy and rich. Plus, she is a flirt and I feel awkward flirting unless I only like the guy for a friend. Anna says she will teach me how to flirt. Anyway, it only took so much hurt for me to consciously decide I couldn't like him anymore. I know I've decided this before, but this time I mean it. Plus I'm older now and better at controlling my emotions.

It's funny how I can choke up my emotions until I forget they're still there. I just feel so dead. And the whole thing was my idea. I started it by saying how much I liked Matt. Then, I believed it. Then, I decided not to like Ben because it hurt so bad. I don't think I could fall for him again. I kind of have to ignore him a little though, because I'm not that good at faking things yet. Everything came to a point last Sunday and now whenever we see each other I think we can both feel the wedge I've forced into our friendship.

I kinda wonder if we're even friends. I'm listening to my mix tape right now. My favorite songs are Sheriff, "When I'm With You;" Poison, "Every Rose has Its Thorn," White Lion, "When the Children Cry," Tiffany, "All this Time" and "The Promise." I had so many dreams and they're gone now. Over Thanksgiving break, I get to go see my brother who is away at college. He knows how to cheer me up and I bet he could give me some good guy advice. Gotta scoot.