friendship lasts. crushes totally don't. - 10.27.88

Today I got slammed into my locker. I have a bottom locker and I was kneeling in front of it because I was wearing my miniskirt and I can't bend over to get my books out. So I was leaning there and I got pushed from behind into the locker, like totally hard. I could hear people yelling "There's a girl there!" And I was confused because I couldn't see what was going on. All I could see was the interior of my locker.

It turns out that these guys were totally fist fighting each other behind my locker and they slammed into me. I was kicking my legs trying to get out but the side of my face, my shoulder, and my hip were all pinned there. I know it was funny, but the worst part is I had to go fix my hair because the force totally flattened my bangs and I'm going to have the ugliest bruises in some odd places tomorrow.

I actually talked to Matt today on the phone. He is so sweet. And I can't forget the way he made me feel that one night last summer. My heart just thumped and thumped every time I was near him.

I get a totally different feeling when I'm around Ben. I feel so warm and secure with him. And we're really good friends now, and that is all I am going to ask for because friendship lasts. Crushes totally don't. Besides, that's all I'm gonna get so I might as well like Matt.

Charles told me last night that Ben likes me a lot for a friend. If Charles (Ben's brother and my good friend since diapers) is playing with my feelings on purpose, he's a jerk. But I'm sure he wouldn't do that, because he's just not like that. I just don't show any reaction. It's just that Ben and I have the same goals and the same attitude basically. Well, he's not nearly so emotional, but he's a GUY. Duh.

I feel so close to him sometimes, but Phoebe is totally sprung over him. Phoebe can also be totally unintentionally wenchy, just because she has everything she wants and her family is all spiritual. But, she is also my friend and a basically good person. It's just that I get sick of her being all "I know so much about the Bible and I'm so cute." I told her that I feel insecure a lot and she said, "Well, just feel good about yourself and smile a lot and act pretty." Like you can just do that all of a sudden. Feel good about yourself, I mean. And how exactly do you act pretty? It's annoying. Anyway, I'm gonna see Matt tomorrow night at the Slimer (that's the other school, his school) game.

Today I went to the eye doctor and I'm getting green tinted contacts. I can't wait! Ben likes girls with brown hair and green eyes. Well, I'm growing out my brown hair but my eyes will have to be fake. Actually, my eyes turn green when I cry but the rest of my face goes all blotchy and snotty and nasty, so contacts it is.

Anna's staying with me for this week. It's major fun. Mom is typing my report. What a sweetie.