guys aren't like us - 11.13.88

Today in sacrament meeting at church Tina kept nudging me and whispering to me that Doug was looking at me. Well, not to be stuck-up, but he was. I really wish I could figure him out.

I'm beginning to think that guys aren't like us (meaning girls) at all when it comes to crushes. I think guys can like lots of girls all at once, and I think they are not very particular about who and why.

I say this, but maybe we are actually VERY alike. I like attention. It's nice. Guys do, too, I guess. But, for guys like Doug it must be this random, ever present thing. I'm sure there wasn't a single girl in sacrament meeting who wasn't hoping Doug would look her way.

I don't want to be just a silly, passing, vague girl to him. He can have all the girlfriends he wants (obviously) but I will not get jealous. I will be his true friend. It will be painful because I feel more than just friendship for him and I have to make sure he has no inkling that I like him.

I will talk to him about Matt. He will talk to me about the girls he likes. We do this on the bus ride home from school every day. Sometimes it actually physically hurts, like my chest goes tight. Because then I keep messing with myself in my head. What if he's acting, too?

No, it's not possible. My brother says guys aren't that complicated. But, what if? What if he enjoys our friendship just as much as I do and he also knows that high school crushes never go anywhere and neither one of us want to ruin our friendship with a crush? Aaaaargh!