I'm, so, like mass inspired right now! Reading my last entry totally reduced me to tears! I'm so romantically depressed!
My best bud, Anna, and I totally read our poetry to each other whenever we have a sleepover. But, since her stupid parental unit moved her six hours away, I'm asking people to send me their poems so we can have poetry readings, still, like, you know?
Adolescent Angst Poetry totally RULZ!
get ready for it: angsty poem #1 of 487...
I wrote this poem last night when I was so depressed... Being miserable is great for writing lyrics!
Heartache
I wanted to play a sad song
But it was too painful to hear the words.
I wanted to reach out to someone
Who has known this confusion and hurt.
Who can till me your story, baby?
Who will tell me a lie?
And what will bury this heartache
Just so I can get by?
So many flat words in a notebook
So many tired goodbyes
Too much fear and loss
And the deadness in your eyes
I guess now I'm singing a sad song, baby.
Yeah and I'm writing it all for you.
Even though I'm kissing someone else
Who happens to feel what I do.
It passes the time, and who knows? Only you can say
That despite all the pain we can be together again,
Someday.
Heartache
I wanted to play a sad song
But it was too painful to hear the words.
I wanted to reach out to someone
Who has known this confusion and hurt.
Who can till me your story, baby?
Who will tell me a lie?
And what will bury this heartache
Just so I can get by?
So many flat words in a notebook
So many tired goodbyes
Too much fear and loss
And the deadness in your eyes
I guess now I'm singing a sad song, baby.
Yeah and I'm writing it all for you.
Even though I'm kissing someone else
Who happens to feel what I do.
It passes the time, and who knows? Only you can say
That despite all the pain we can be together again,
Someday.
So tragically depressed! 01.25.89
I guess a lot's been going on. Anna's mom got married and moved her whole family, like, six hours away. So, I just talked to Anna on the phone and I'm going to stay with her this summer for at least a few weeks.
Sister Isabel is moving away. I understand why she wants to leave, but I'm going to miss her. She says it is her husband's job, but I really don't think so.
I registered at THS. I'm doing better in ski school. My class calls me "Pokie" cuz I'm slow and cautious and stuff. It's funny. I don't care at all.
For a while I felt lousy about JS and being fooled and used. I wuz still nice to him, but now I can't believe I let myself feel lousy over a stupid, skinny, boy-faced guy.
I didn't go to school today. I was just too tired. Last night I kinda sorta had an emotional breakdown. I just bawled and bawled and wondered why my life was such a complete disaster and why I should bother worrying about church and grades and how people just come and go from my life and what people think about me, say about me, say to me.
I know this sounds so weird, and I was so tragically depressed at the time, but today I'm glad I cried about things. It feels good to feel, even when the feelings are painful, as long as I can get them out somehow.
Mom and Dad were out for the night, and Nate wasn't here. I put on the saddest music I could think of and felt AWFUL about everything - Sister Isabel's baby, starving children, missing children, war, Anna moving, not liking myself, my friend whose dad is an alcoholic, my mom and dad being so unhappy in their marriage, all of it.
It occurs to me that faking happiness all the time has made me fake things to myself. But when I think about the things I really care about and not just boys, I don't know what to do with all of it. But at least I still think about important things and I can feel something about the important things. I just don't know why the feelings I have about important things have to be so negative.
And I still think the "Don't worry; be happy" song is meant for people who live on the beach and don't have to get good grades or worry about money, but at least I can go back to faking it now, and maybe it's not faking.
Sister Isabel is moving away. I understand why she wants to leave, but I'm going to miss her. She says it is her husband's job, but I really don't think so.
I registered at THS. I'm doing better in ski school. My class calls me "Pokie" cuz I'm slow and cautious and stuff. It's funny. I don't care at all.
For a while I felt lousy about JS and being fooled and used. I wuz still nice to him, but now I can't believe I let myself feel lousy over a stupid, skinny, boy-faced guy.
I didn't go to school today. I was just too tired. Last night I kinda sorta had an emotional breakdown. I just bawled and bawled and wondered why my life was such a complete disaster and why I should bother worrying about church and grades and how people just come and go from my life and what people think about me, say about me, say to me.
I know this sounds so weird, and I was so tragically depressed at the time, but today I'm glad I cried about things. It feels good to feel, even when the feelings are painful, as long as I can get them out somehow.
Mom and Dad were out for the night, and Nate wasn't here. I put on the saddest music I could think of and felt AWFUL about everything - Sister Isabel's baby, starving children, missing children, war, Anna moving, not liking myself, my friend whose dad is an alcoholic, my mom and dad being so unhappy in their marriage, all of it.
It occurs to me that faking happiness all the time has made me fake things to myself. But when I think about the things I really care about and not just boys, I don't know what to do with all of it. But at least I still think about important things and I can feel something about the important things. I just don't know why the feelings I have about important things have to be so negative.
And I still think the "Don't worry; be happy" song is meant for people who live on the beach and don't have to get good grades or worry about money, but at least I can go back to faking it now, and maybe it's not faking.
Sister Isabel - 01.12.89
My Young Women's teacher, Sister Isabel, lost her baby. I feel more angry than anything. She didn't deserve it! She was out searching for M. because M. totally freaked out and ran off while it was raining and Sister Isabel wanted to make sure M. was safe.
M. is so freaky when she's off her medication. But, I should have gone after her so Sister Isabel didn't have to. I should have been there for her! I was too worried about my own selfish problems that I didn't lissten to hers when she tried to tell me.
Mom let me get roses for Sister Isabel, but it seems like not enough.
When I took her the roses, all she cared about was me. She's so good. How are people that good? She told me that I could pray about what is on my mind. What is on my mind is that God is not very fair. Sister Isabel is so sweet and kind and she really wanted this baby. I don't get God at all. How do you pray when all you feel like saying is, I don't like what's going on down here. You let really bad stuff happen, or You make it happen, and it doesn't make sense!
At the funeral, they brought out this tiny casket and it was pouring down rain and the tarp I was standing under started gushing water down my back but I didn't care. I don't know if she can have babies anymore. She's so young, but something went wrong with her blood and the baby's blood. I think the baby was born alive, but died after birth. I think when I get older I will have a baby and give it to her. And, I'll pray for her. Not for me, but for her. Am I capable of being even that least bit selfless? I don't know.
.
M. is so freaky when she's off her medication. But, I should have gone after her so Sister Isabel didn't have to. I should have been there for her! I was too worried about my own selfish problems that I didn't lissten to hers when she tried to tell me.
Mom let me get roses for Sister Isabel, but it seems like not enough.
When I took her the roses, all she cared about was me. She's so good. How are people that good? She told me that I could pray about what is on my mind. What is on my mind is that God is not very fair. Sister Isabel is so sweet and kind and she really wanted this baby. I don't get God at all. How do you pray when all you feel like saying is, I don't like what's going on down here. You let really bad stuff happen, or You make it happen, and it doesn't make sense!
At the funeral, they brought out this tiny casket and it was pouring down rain and the tarp I was standing under started gushing water down my back but I didn't care. I don't know if she can have babies anymore. She's so young, but something went wrong with her blood and the baby's blood. I think the baby was born alive, but died after birth. I think when I get older I will have a baby and give it to her. And, I'll pray for her. Not for me, but for her. Am I capable of being even that least bit selfless? I don't know.
.
kicked out of weight watchers...01.11.89
I wuz supposed to start Weight Watchers tonight but they made me wait another week. According to some group of old ladies, I'm "in range" for a healthy weight and my mom has to stay and say I can go on a stupid diet. BUMMER! I'm trying not to eat much but it's not working. Last week, I only ate granola bars and vegetables but I almost passed out after exercising.
I talked to Joey today in Health about skiing. He thinks it's cool that I like it so much. He told me its in my blood, because Nate is a back country skiier and totally fearless. I said I can't even get down the bunny hill without landing on my face. Still, I told him that if he drives us up there, we could totally skip and I'd pay for our lift tickets. He wuz mass happy!
Tomorrow's Thursday, so we're only a few days from Saturday and Saturday means....
SKIING!!!!
So, JS told Nikki that he likes both me and her. That is just stupid. I am not interested in someone who can't make up his mind. I guess that's weird, though, because I kind of like lots of people. Anyway, I'm just going to have fun!
I talked to Joey today in Health about skiing. He thinks it's cool that I like it so much. He told me its in my blood, because Nate is a back country skiier and totally fearless. I said I can't even get down the bunny hill without landing on my face. Still, I told him that if he drives us up there, we could totally skip and I'd pay for our lift tickets. He wuz mass happy!
Tomorrow's Thursday, so we're only a few days from Saturday and Saturday means....
SKIING!!!!
So, JS told Nikki that he likes both me and her. That is just stupid. I am not interested in someone who can't make up his mind. I guess that's weird, though, because I kind of like lots of people. Anyway, I'm just going to have fun!
the butt that ben saw... 01.09.89 (Monday)
Today wuz so weird! I just had the best day! And, I had a lousy day! It was like that dumb novel about mice that I'm supposed to read for English. Who cares about mice? We're in high school! Enough with Cinderella and her singing pets already!
Just kidding. I actually know that Of Mice and Men is not about Cinderella.
[A little note from 2009: It is really unclear when I figured out that the famous opening lines, "It was the best of times. It was the worst of times." are actually from A Tale of Two Cities. But, no matter. This blog is NOT about literature. It is about hair, as you will read very soon.
It started out great because I actually got up in time to do my hair and make up before seminary (instead of skipping seminary with K and K to fix my hair in the church bathroom...)
My hair turned out for once! It takes forever to do my hair. First, I have to wash it (DUH) and then I blow it dry upside down while I scrunch it, and then I put it up in rollers. After the rollers cool, I run just my fingers through it and then I use my curling iron to spiral curl the top layer.
I spray it before and after I curl it so it will hold the curl. You can actually HEAR your hair frying while you fix it. This is why deep conditioning is so important. I found a new hair spray that smells like apples, and it doesn't smell half bad while cooking my hair. Anyway, when the hairspray is dry, I hang upside down and spray all of it. Then I curl my bangs.
The bangs get really tricky, because they have to be straight up, then curl back but they can't be clumped. Sometimes I actually have to rewash my bangs and start over. One girl told me she actually hangs upside down when she sprays her bangs, so they'll be taller.
Anyway, the bangs have two sections - one curls back and one curls under. The bangs that curl under can't be too poofy or too straight and they can't be clumped, either. It takes FOREVER. It takes me about two and a half hours to get ready in the morning, so you can see why I never get to seminary on time!
Last night my brother's girlfriend, Jen, brought me a bunch of her super cool clothes. She's in college but she goes to Evergreen. She sez clothes don't matter there, so I can wear her stuff this semester! She's RAD. What a sweetie. So, I have this great new Bennetton shirt and some International News sweatshirts now and another Generra shirt, too. She also gave me her black acid wash miniskirt and another denim mini skirt and they totally fit!
So, today I tried to look my best, in hopes of seeing JS at school. And, mom dropped me off for seminary (I think she was in SHOCK) but I was still running just a little late. I was wearing my new mini skirt and it's a jean skirt, so it doesn't stretch very much for me to walk. I was trying to walk fast, but I was also wearing sling-back flats (finally, a cool pair of shoes, from Jen, of course). I had my binder out because it doesn't fit in my International News bag (the bag is cotton and it kind of rips if I put my binder in it) and so I was running as fast as I could for the door to church.
I'm really not sure what happened. I reached my hand out to open the door while I was still running. The new flats were really slippery and the concrete sidewalk to the church might have been a little wet. But, all I know is my binder flew out of my hands and my bag dumped out with the force of the fall. My feet flew over my head and I could totally HEAR my butt hit the door. Did I mention it is a heavy glass door? Glass, as in SEE-THROUGH? Did I mention that BEN was on the other side of the door?
Yes, not only did I completely dish it, but I dished it in front of Ben. Not only did I dish it in front of Ben, but I dished it in such a way that my butt smooshed against a door. Not only did my butt smoosh against a door, the door was also glass.
I do NOT remember picking myself up, or picking up my books, or my binder, or putting it all back in my bag, or standing up, or walking through the door. I remember getting to the other side of that STUPID door and Ben was still there, completely bent over, shaking. He was laughing SO HARD that he wasn't making any sound. None. And he was still holding the phone. I guess he had come to the foyer to make a call just in time to see my butt hit the door.
He kept trying to look up and at me and he kept trying to say (I THINK he was trying to say) "Are you ok?" But he couldn't talk and laugh at the same time. And then I THINK he was trying to say "Sorry" because he felt bad about laughing at me. I think I laughed too. I HOPE I laughed. I don't remember. All I could think was, "OH NO! BEN saw my butt!"
Have I ever mentioned in here that my butt is NOT my best feature? I love the styles right now because everything hides the butt. Long sweaters. Long shirts. I actually kind of like my ankles. My calves aren't half bad. As a matter of fact, they are pretty muscular. They happen to be muscular, because they have the unfortunate job of CARRYING my big BUTT around. The BUTT that BEN saw.
You know what I figured out right then and there? Even though Ben put his arm around me (I still love his arms) and even though he asked me if I was ok (when he could speak again) and even though he was actually very sweet and apologized for laughing so hard even though I could totally tell he STILL wanted to laugh more...
I figured out that I can lose weight, I can get a better personality, I can fake that my family is spiritual and happy, but there is NO WAY Ben is ever going to like me. You know why? Because of the butt. He saw it. He not only saw the butt, but he saw the SMOOSHED butt. The butt that, billboard-sized as it is, got even wider from the smooshing and the force of the smooshing. All hope is gone. I might as well fall madly in love with Matt or JS or anyone else. There is no way back.
The good news is my hair still looked RAD. Somehow, no flat spots.
I saw JS in the halls and he totally waved at me between classes. AND he told Nikki, who told me, that he likes me. So, that would make it a great day, despite the butt incident, right? Nope. So, Nikki was going out with JS before and still likes him. And she thinks he told her that he likes me just to make her jealous. How great! I'm way into games. They are so fun. NOT!
I don't know if he's playing games or if she's playing games, but they have my blessing. I feel stupid for being used! So, does that make it a lousy day? Not really! Who cares? I'm OUTTA here. My official transfer notice came in the mail today! So, it is the BEST day. It doesn't matter.
Besides, only one guy has seen my butt, so I still have a chance with the rest of them. Ha ha!
Just kidding. I actually know that Of Mice and Men is not about Cinderella.
[A little note from 2009: It is really unclear when I figured out that the famous opening lines, "It was the best of times. It was the worst of times." are actually from A Tale of Two Cities. But, no matter. This blog is NOT about literature. It is about hair, as you will read very soon.
It started out great because I actually got up in time to do my hair and make up before seminary (instead of skipping seminary with K and K to fix my hair in the church bathroom...)
My hair turned out for once! It takes forever to do my hair. First, I have to wash it (DUH) and then I blow it dry upside down while I scrunch it, and then I put it up in rollers. After the rollers cool, I run just my fingers through it and then I use my curling iron to spiral curl the top layer.
I spray it before and after I curl it so it will hold the curl. You can actually HEAR your hair frying while you fix it. This is why deep conditioning is so important. I found a new hair spray that smells like apples, and it doesn't smell half bad while cooking my hair. Anyway, when the hairspray is dry, I hang upside down and spray all of it. Then I curl my bangs.
The bangs get really tricky, because they have to be straight up, then curl back but they can't be clumped. Sometimes I actually have to rewash my bangs and start over. One girl told me she actually hangs upside down when she sprays her bangs, so they'll be taller.
Anyway, the bangs have two sections - one curls back and one curls under. The bangs that curl under can't be too poofy or too straight and they can't be clumped, either. It takes FOREVER. It takes me about two and a half hours to get ready in the morning, so you can see why I never get to seminary on time!
Last night my brother's girlfriend, Jen, brought me a bunch of her super cool clothes. She's in college but she goes to Evergreen. She sez clothes don't matter there, so I can wear her stuff this semester! She's RAD. What a sweetie. So, I have this great new Bennetton shirt and some International News sweatshirts now and another Generra shirt, too. She also gave me her black acid wash miniskirt and another denim mini skirt and they totally fit!
So, today I tried to look my best, in hopes of seeing JS at school. And, mom dropped me off for seminary (I think she was in SHOCK) but I was still running just a little late. I was wearing my new mini skirt and it's a jean skirt, so it doesn't stretch very much for me to walk. I was trying to walk fast, but I was also wearing sling-back flats (finally, a cool pair of shoes, from Jen, of course). I had my binder out because it doesn't fit in my International News bag (the bag is cotton and it kind of rips if I put my binder in it) and so I was running as fast as I could for the door to church.
I'm really not sure what happened. I reached my hand out to open the door while I was still running. The new flats were really slippery and the concrete sidewalk to the church might have been a little wet. But, all I know is my binder flew out of my hands and my bag dumped out with the force of the fall. My feet flew over my head and I could totally HEAR my butt hit the door. Did I mention it is a heavy glass door? Glass, as in SEE-THROUGH? Did I mention that BEN was on the other side of the door?
Yes, not only did I completely dish it, but I dished it in front of Ben. Not only did I dish it in front of Ben, but I dished it in such a way that my butt smooshed against a door. Not only did my butt smoosh against a door, the door was also glass.
I do NOT remember picking myself up, or picking up my books, or my binder, or putting it all back in my bag, or standing up, or walking through the door. I remember getting to the other side of that STUPID door and Ben was still there, completely bent over, shaking. He was laughing SO HARD that he wasn't making any sound. None. And he was still holding the phone. I guess he had come to the foyer to make a call just in time to see my butt hit the door.
He kept trying to look up and at me and he kept trying to say (I THINK he was trying to say) "Are you ok?" But he couldn't talk and laugh at the same time. And then I THINK he was trying to say "Sorry" because he felt bad about laughing at me. I think I laughed too. I HOPE I laughed. I don't remember. All I could think was, "OH NO! BEN saw my butt!"
Have I ever mentioned in here that my butt is NOT my best feature? I love the styles right now because everything hides the butt. Long sweaters. Long shirts. I actually kind of like my ankles. My calves aren't half bad. As a matter of fact, they are pretty muscular. They happen to be muscular, because they have the unfortunate job of CARRYING my big BUTT around. The BUTT that BEN saw.
You know what I figured out right then and there? Even though Ben put his arm around me (I still love his arms) and even though he asked me if I was ok (when he could speak again) and even though he was actually very sweet and apologized for laughing so hard even though I could totally tell he STILL wanted to laugh more...
I figured out that I can lose weight, I can get a better personality, I can fake that my family is spiritual and happy, but there is NO WAY Ben is ever going to like me. You know why? Because of the butt. He saw it. He not only saw the butt, but he saw the SMOOSHED butt. The butt that, billboard-sized as it is, got even wider from the smooshing and the force of the smooshing. All hope is gone. I might as well fall madly in love with Matt or JS or anyone else. There is no way back.
The good news is my hair still looked RAD. Somehow, no flat spots.
I saw JS in the halls and he totally waved at me between classes. AND he told Nikki, who told me, that he likes me. So, that would make it a great day, despite the butt incident, right? Nope. So, Nikki was going out with JS before and still likes him. And she thinks he told her that he likes me just to make her jealous. How great! I'm way into games. They are so fun. NOT!
I don't know if he's playing games or if she's playing games, but they have my blessing. I feel stupid for being used! So, does that make it a lousy day? Not really! Who cares? I'm OUTTA here. My official transfer notice came in the mail today! So, it is the BEST day. It doesn't matter.
Besides, only one guy has seen my butt, so I still have a chance with the rest of them. Ha ha!
ski school, part 1: boys boys boys and, oh yeah, learning to snow plow 01.07.88
Well, hiya! Today wuz my first day of ski school.
I LOVE SKIING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's such a blast! It's kind of like flying. Well, mostly I just fell down a lot but I love it sooooooooooo much. I've already met tons of new people! Mostly through classes and the ski bus, but I'll make it a point to meet more. There are so MANY gorgeous guys up there. Problem is, I'm always looking my worst - FLAT hair, STREAKED make-up and these stupid puffy ski suits make me look like a cow! But I can't wait to go again!
I think I'm going to be sore tomorrow. Not so much from the work out but from falling down. I totally just took a long bubble bath and listened to my mix tape (I love I'll Be There for You by Bon Jovi! I put it on the mix three times in row. I totally learned the harmony!). Now I'm so pruny and relaxed and chilled out. I love it!
Toward the end of the day, I was proud of myself because I had figured out how to snow plow down the bunny hill. The tricky part was getting on and off the ski lift. You have to figure out how to get in place before the seat like wipes your feet out from under you, and I'm still really slow. You wait in line, and when it's your turn, they're like "GO!" and you have to get into place FAST.
If this tells you anything, the first thing we learned in class was how to fall down. Because, you fall down A LOT.
Then, at the top of the lift, you have to hop off right away and ski out of the way. None of this is very easy if all you know how to do is snow plow. Snow plowing is putting your skis in a triangle in front of you, putting the tips together but NOT crossing them, and then you sort of bend at the knees, then plant your pole, and turn in a triangle around the pole.
I'm so clutsy! It is all worth it, though, once you start moving! Anyway, I came down the hill and I was trying to stop and get in line at the same time. I heard this little kid saying to his dad, "Does it hurt when you fall down?" And right then, I totally crossed my skis in front of each other and completely wiped out and kind of fell on my face. So this kid's dad goes, "It hurts when you do that." And he could barely say it because he was laughing. Jerk-face. But then he helped me up and introduced himself, and grabbed my poles which I think flew over my head when I fell.
It is absolutely impossible to act cool after you snow plow yourself into a lump on the ground. Skiing = no dignity whatsoever. Bad hair + lots of falling, +fluffy diaper butt = huge dork. You tell me (whoever you are) why it's so much fun. I have NO idea. But it is totally RAD. My kids are going to learn to ski when they are little. Because then you get the dork part out of the way before it matters.
On the way home, I became friends with a guy, JS. He's a real sweetheart! I also became friends with another guy, AR. But mostly I talked with JS cuz he sat closer to me. He played with my hair until I almost fell asleep. Not to be conceited, but I think he might like me. JS and AR seemed to compete for my attention. Nothing worth getting a big head about, though. It's not like there are a whole bunch of girls on the ski bus.
Anyway, on the way home it was me and JS, like totally - with AR becoming a little more forward. It wuz funny because JS wuz sitting behind me and AR wuz sitting across from me and some other guy wuz sitting next to me. So I wuz turned sideways to talk with them and JS kept playing with my hair so AR asked to switch seats with JS and JS totally said no. It wuz funny and a little weird. I'm not used to guys paying attention to me. But he kind of laid down on my arm, and one time he kind of like rubbed my back and when he stretched out his leg he kind of rubbed mine with his foot. Now, you tell me! Is that what a guy does when he likes you? I can't be sure, but it was nice, anyways.
We talked about EVERYTHING. School, skiing, ourselves, jokes, parties, other people. It wuz so fun! 3 hours went way tooooo fast. It seemed like 30 minutes! Of course, it turns out he goes to NTHS, so put that in the column of reasons not to transfer. (I can't believe I'm saying this! Great drama and english departments plus NO MORE FF POPPY versus stupid boy who played with my hair. I'm so DUMB sometimes!) But, I really like JS a lot, at least as a friend anyways. Well, gotta scoot!
I LOVE SKIING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's such a blast! It's kind of like flying. Well, mostly I just fell down a lot but I love it sooooooooooo much. I've already met tons of new people! Mostly through classes and the ski bus, but I'll make it a point to meet more. There are so MANY gorgeous guys up there. Problem is, I'm always looking my worst - FLAT hair, STREAKED make-up and these stupid puffy ski suits make me look like a cow! But I can't wait to go again!
I think I'm going to be sore tomorrow. Not so much from the work out but from falling down. I totally just took a long bubble bath and listened to my mix tape (I love I'll Be There for You by Bon Jovi! I put it on the mix three times in row. I totally learned the harmony!). Now I'm so pruny and relaxed and chilled out. I love it!
Toward the end of the day, I was proud of myself because I had figured out how to snow plow down the bunny hill. The tricky part was getting on and off the ski lift. You have to figure out how to get in place before the seat like wipes your feet out from under you, and I'm still really slow. You wait in line, and when it's your turn, they're like "GO!" and you have to get into place FAST.
If this tells you anything, the first thing we learned in class was how to fall down. Because, you fall down A LOT.
Then, at the top of the lift, you have to hop off right away and ski out of the way. None of this is very easy if all you know how to do is snow plow. Snow plowing is putting your skis in a triangle in front of you, putting the tips together but NOT crossing them, and then you sort of bend at the knees, then plant your pole, and turn in a triangle around the pole.
I'm so clutsy! It is all worth it, though, once you start moving! Anyway, I came down the hill and I was trying to stop and get in line at the same time. I heard this little kid saying to his dad, "Does it hurt when you fall down?" And right then, I totally crossed my skis in front of each other and completely wiped out and kind of fell on my face. So this kid's dad goes, "It hurts when you do that." And he could barely say it because he was laughing. Jerk-face. But then he helped me up and introduced himself, and grabbed my poles which I think flew over my head when I fell.
It is absolutely impossible to act cool after you snow plow yourself into a lump on the ground. Skiing = no dignity whatsoever. Bad hair + lots of falling, +fluffy diaper butt = huge dork. You tell me (whoever you are) why it's so much fun. I have NO idea. But it is totally RAD. My kids are going to learn to ski when they are little. Because then you get the dork part out of the way before it matters.
On the way home, I became friends with a guy, JS. He's a real sweetheart! I also became friends with another guy, AR. But mostly I talked with JS cuz he sat closer to me. He played with my hair until I almost fell asleep. Not to be conceited, but I think he might like me. JS and AR seemed to compete for my attention. Nothing worth getting a big head about, though. It's not like there are a whole bunch of girls on the ski bus.
Anyway, on the way home it was me and JS, like totally - with AR becoming a little more forward. It wuz funny because JS wuz sitting behind me and AR wuz sitting across from me and some other guy wuz sitting next to me. So I wuz turned sideways to talk with them and JS kept playing with my hair so AR asked to switch seats with JS and JS totally said no. It wuz funny and a little weird. I'm not used to guys paying attention to me. But he kind of laid down on my arm, and one time he kind of like rubbed my back and when he stretched out his leg he kind of rubbed mine with his foot. Now, you tell me! Is that what a guy does when he likes you? I can't be sure, but it was nice, anyways.
We talked about EVERYTHING. School, skiing, ourselves, jokes, parties, other people. It wuz so fun! 3 hours went way tooooo fast. It seemed like 30 minutes! Of course, it turns out he goes to NTHS, so put that in the column of reasons not to transfer. (I can't believe I'm saying this! Great drama and english departments plus NO MORE FF POPPY versus stupid boy who played with my hair. I'm so DUMB sometimes!) But, I really like JS a lot, at least as a friend anyways. Well, gotta scoot!
"In the journal...I create myself."
Posthumously, Susan Sontag's journals are available to the public, edited and published by her son. The following is an interesting excerpt from 1957, and apt for this blog.
"In the journal I do not just express myself more openly than I could do to any person; I create myself.
"The journal is a vehicle for my sense of selfhood. It represents me as emotionally and spiritually independent. Therefore (alas) it does not simply record my actual, daily life but rather -- in many cases -- offers an alternative to it.
"There is often a contradiction between the meaning of our actions toward a person and what we say we feel toward that person in a journal. ...We rarely do know what people think of us (or, rather, think they think of us).... One of the main (social) functions of a journal or diary is precisely to be read furtively by other people, the people (like parents + lovers) about whom one has been cruelly honest only in the journal..."
{I'm so totally bored right now. Can we just get to the diary already? So what, Sontag's mass smart. Did she ever write any rhyming poems? Well?! Let's get on with my tragic deepness, already.}
Though the diaries of "Trista" suffer in comparison to the acuity of Sontag's thoughts, the startling, harsh, informed glitter of her opinions, and the worldliness of her experiences , it is interesting to note, nonetheless, that a diary is a form of creating oneself - simultaneously typical, mundane, wholly remarkable, and singular.
"In the journal I do not just express myself more openly than I could do to any person; I create myself.
"The journal is a vehicle for my sense of selfhood. It represents me as emotionally and spiritually independent. Therefore (alas) it does not simply record my actual, daily life but rather -- in many cases -- offers an alternative to it.
"There is often a contradiction between the meaning of our actions toward a person and what we say we feel toward that person in a journal. ...We rarely do know what people think of us (or, rather, think they think of us).... One of the main (social) functions of a journal or diary is precisely to be read furtively by other people, the people (like parents + lovers) about whom one has been cruelly honest only in the journal..."
{I'm so totally bored right now. Can we just get to the diary already? So what, Sontag's mass smart. Did she ever write any rhyming poems? Well?! Let's get on with my tragic deepness, already.}
Though the diaries of "Trista" suffer in comparison to the acuity of Sontag's thoughts, the startling, harsh, informed glitter of her opinions, and the worldliness of her experiences , it is interesting to note, nonetheless, that a diary is a form of creating oneself - simultaneously typical, mundane, wholly remarkable, and singular.
Ewwwww! Grossssss! -- 01.02.89
So, I totally meant to write in here about this way nasty class we had before break, but I hadn't found a good enough hiding place for this diary. Now, I found a great place where there is still carpet in my closet but I ripped up the rest in my room, so I can totally slide this diary underneath the old closet carpet and you can't even see it!
Joey was in this health class I had to take this semester. My brother told Joey to watch out for me this year. He sits on my right and R. sits on my left. So, we pretty much goof off the whole time and pass notes in class.
Our teacher is cool; she's the volleyball coach. And, she's very like tough and says everything just like it is. So, when she said we had to have a s-e-x ed class, I thought we would just get the basics, like where babies are from, and we'd be done. NOOoooo. It was MASS embarrassing!
First, she tells us all about all this stuff you have to use. I'm not KIDDING. I am staying a virgin til I DIE. Then, she gets out this stupid banana and puts a U KNOW WHAT on it! It had a little hat thing and everything. I could have DIED. Both Roger and Joey were shaking because I kept gasping and then putting my hand over my eyes. It was HUMILIATING. And then she talked about stuff I have never heard before. I can't even remember all of it because I tried to think of something else.
Finally, at the end of class, I leaned over to Joey, and I whispered, "What was she TALKING about? What is that?" And he totally goes, "If you don't know that by NOW, I'm sure as hell not going to be the one to tell you."
Will someone please just let the portable swallow me up now? I am SO glad we had break right after that class. Now I can pretend like it never happened. It was the WORST. Because, not only was I so embarrassed, but apparently I'm the only stupid person on the planet who knows nothing about this stuff! UGH! GUH!
Yet ANOTHER reason to transfer to THS. Sheesh.
Joey was in this health class I had to take this semester. My brother told Joey to watch out for me this year. He sits on my right and R. sits on my left. So, we pretty much goof off the whole time and pass notes in class.
Our teacher is cool; she's the volleyball coach. And, she's very like tough and says everything just like it is. So, when she said we had to have a s-e-x ed class, I thought we would just get the basics, like where babies are from, and we'd be done. NOOoooo. It was MASS embarrassing!
First, she tells us all about all this stuff you have to use. I'm not KIDDING. I am staying a virgin til I DIE. Then, she gets out this stupid banana and puts a U KNOW WHAT on it! It had a little hat thing and everything. I could have DIED. Both Roger and Joey were shaking because I kept gasping and then putting my hand over my eyes. It was HUMILIATING. And then she talked about stuff I have never heard before. I can't even remember all of it because I tried to think of something else.
Finally, at the end of class, I leaned over to Joey, and I whispered, "What was she TALKING about? What is that?" And he totally goes, "If you don't know that by NOW, I'm sure as hell not going to be the one to tell you."
Will someone please just let the portable swallow me up now? I am SO glad we had break right after that class. Now I can pretend like it never happened. It was the WORST. Because, not only was I so embarrassed, but apparently I'm the only stupid person on the planet who knows nothing about this stuff! UGH! GUH!
Yet ANOTHER reason to transfer to THS. Sheesh.
Partying, cuz like it's 1989! -- 01.01.89
Happy NEW YEAR! I love the new year, starting over! All that possibility! I rang in the new year babysitting: no parties, no sleepovers, no dances, no boyfriend to kiss. So my first resolution is to actually have a social life in 1989!
Here are the rest of my resolutions:
1. Lose 30 pounds in two months (15 Jan, 15 Feb).
2. Go to Timberline.
3. Become good friends with Matt.
4. Have a boyfriend (ideally, Matt).
5. Earn money to buy tons of new clothes.
6. Get good grades - at least 3.8 GPA
7. Plan a homework schedule and keep up with it.
8. Get along with my parents (that's going to take the most work).
9. Learn to ski.
10. Save money for a formal gown to go to May dance. (The one I want is 199.00, and that's on sale.)
11. HAVE A BLAST IN 1989!!!
I really gotta scram, jam, whatever! (I love these colored pens. Sooooo fun!)
Here are the rest of my resolutions:
1. Lose 30 pounds in two months (15 Jan, 15 Feb).
2. Go to Timberline.
3. Become good friends with Matt.
4. Have a boyfriend (ideally, Matt).
5. Earn money to buy tons of new clothes.
6. Get good grades - at least 3.8 GPA
7. Plan a homework schedule and keep up with it.
8. Get along with my parents (that's going to take the most work).
9. Learn to ski.
10. Save money for a formal gown to go to May dance. (The one I want is 199.00, and that's on sale.)
11. HAVE A BLAST IN 1989!!!
I really gotta scram, jam, whatever! (I love these colored pens. Sooooo fun!)
a little extra holiday weight - 12.27.88
fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat
Did i say i am crazed for shortbread? not so very pleasant after ingesting, like, a whole tin. a moment on the lips, and forever shaking around my butt. UGH! GUH! Now, when I run I feel little shortbread cookies clinging to my hips, yelling, "Hell no, we won't go!"
1988 is going to be over soon and I'm babysitting on New Year's Eve. Sooooo exciting.
Charles asked me out today but i said no because - i don't know - i'm just so sad and messed up. He is truly an incredible person. Why ruin it? We've been friends since we were like, 3, or something. He says I was really bossy when we were little. He'd come play at my house and I made him kiss me before he could leave. What a little trollop I was.
I wonder when I'll finally kiss someone for real. must stop eating shortbread...ooooooh shortbread. it is never far from my mind. just like guys and religion, believe it or not.
I lost my contact down the sink, so I have one brown eye and one green eye. so0ooOOoo prettyfulous.
I saw RS at the mall today. He's sooo gross, a total perv! But good looking. It's so weird; I finally feel like I've created a niche at NTHS and now I'm not sure I want to leave. What if THS just ruins everything? What if my credits get screwed up and I have no friends and my life goes down the tubes, what then?
I just want to be happy but it seems like a full time job, and one I'm not very good at yet.
Did i say i am crazed for shortbread? not so very pleasant after ingesting, like, a whole tin. a moment on the lips, and forever shaking around my butt. UGH! GUH! Now, when I run I feel little shortbread cookies clinging to my hips, yelling, "Hell no, we won't go!"
1988 is going to be over soon and I'm babysitting on New Year's Eve. Sooooo exciting.
Charles asked me out today but i said no because - i don't know - i'm just so sad and messed up. He is truly an incredible person. Why ruin it? We've been friends since we were like, 3, or something. He says I was really bossy when we were little. He'd come play at my house and I made him kiss me before he could leave. What a little trollop I was.
I wonder when I'll finally kiss someone for real. must stop eating shortbread...ooooooh shortbread. it is never far from my mind. just like guys and religion, believe it or not.
I lost my contact down the sink, so I have one brown eye and one green eye. so0ooOOoo prettyfulous.
I saw RS at the mall today. He's sooo gross, a total perv! But good looking. It's so weird; I finally feel like I've created a niche at NTHS and now I'm not sure I want to leave. What if THS just ruins everything? What if my credits get screwed up and I have no friends and my life goes down the tubes, what then?
I just want to be happy but it seems like a full time job, and one I'm not very good at yet.
the big brother's triumphant return...12.18.88
NATE'S FINALLY HOME!!!!! He's not spending any time with me, the bum! Of course, he has his college girlfriend and his girlfriend from here to keep up with and away from each other. It would be hilarious if I weren't a girl. Guys, even my adored brother, can be such jerks! But I love him. He's always watching out for me.
I still haven't done any homework. So what? You know why? Because I got accepted to THS! Nothing can bring me down now! I'm so happy!
I refused to go to church today. My parents are mass all over my case! But if it wuzn't church, it would be something else. Other people may annoy me, but words can't explain the torture I go through every day with them. I'm going to go insane if I don't go away. I think I already have. They bug the goochies out of me!
Everything else is merry merry merry....Merry Christmas! ha ha!
walls closing in...must escape...no way out...i'm melting... 12.17.88
My life is going down the drain, basically. Today I had a ronchy fight with my mom and dad. They bug the poop outta me! They rank on me all the time and invade my privacy. I really can't stand it here. I feel so closed in. The anger just fills me up so bad. After the fight I went jogging - I didn't care where.
Nate was suppozed to come home from college today but had car trouble and my dad's going to get him.
And I was hoping to see Matt today at the mall but didn't.
I'm 2 days behind in my homework.
I have to get out of here. It's driving me crazy. My parents don't have one good word to say. I asked mom of she and dad are getting a divorce. She sez not.
Ben's treating me like an insect. He's such a geek! I'm so glad I found Matt. Now he has to find me! Better scram.
PS I YMatt 4 - ever no matter what!
Nate was suppozed to come home from college today but had car trouble and my dad's going to get him.
And I was hoping to see Matt today at the mall but didn't.
I'm 2 days behind in my homework.
I have to get out of here. It's driving me crazy. My parents don't have one good word to say. I asked mom of she and dad are getting a divorce. She sez not.
Ben's treating me like an insect. He's such a geek! I'm so glad I found Matt. Now he has to find me! Better scram.
PS I YMatt 4 - ever no matter what!
a day to commemorate like 4 ever *********** 12.13.88
I commemorate this day as the day I visited that wonderful school, THS, and knew for sure that I must go there or DIE.
I Y THS. AND I Y Matt even MORE. Y HE IS RAD.
I walked through that school and all of a sudden, I was accepted.
NO MORE FF POPPY!!
These people liked me. They wanted to talk to me. I made so many friends in just 20 minutes! I want to go there so BAD.
I saw Matt, too. He came up and gave me a big hug and showed me around. Y He's so gorgeous! And he's the sweetest guy I've ever met! I love him even more for getting me over Ben. I am over Ben and it's about time!
Amanda and Audrey and Yolanda told me how excited Matt wuz when he found out I wuz coming. They think he likes me, but I don't. Then Audrey told me how Mara said all the gorgeous guys would like me because I wuz so pretty. BULL. I only WISH. Mara is so popular - She's such a sweetie!
I just hope Matt still likes me, though don't get me wrong. It would be nice to break some hearts for a change!
Phoebe said no one would like me, cuz I wuz so obnoxious. She wuz kidding, but I agree. I'm OBNOXIOUS and it has to stop. Also, I'm pale. And I'm fat. And I need a face lift.
It occurs to me that I don't know what a face lift is, exactly. I think it is a big makeover where they peel your skin off, and stuff. So, I have a plan. I'll put it in here later!
Wahooooooooooo. I have 2 things to say in closing.
1. I Y MATT!
2. THS, Here I come!
Gotta jog (as U-Know-Who would say, not that I care what HE says anymore!)
I Y THS. AND I Y Matt even MORE. Y HE IS RAD.
I walked through that school and all of a sudden, I was accepted.
NO MORE FF POPPY!!
These people liked me. They wanted to talk to me. I made so many friends in just 20 minutes! I want to go there so BAD.
I saw Matt, too. He came up and gave me a big hug and showed me around. Y He's so gorgeous! And he's the sweetest guy I've ever met! I love him even more for getting me over Ben. I am over Ben and it's about time!
Amanda and Audrey and Yolanda told me how excited Matt wuz when he found out I wuz coming. They think he likes me, but I don't. Then Audrey told me how Mara said all the gorgeous guys would like me because I wuz so pretty. BULL. I only WISH. Mara is so popular - She's such a sweetie!
I just hope Matt still likes me, though don't get me wrong. It would be nice to break some hearts for a change!
Phoebe said no one would like me, cuz I wuz so obnoxious. She wuz kidding, but I agree. I'm OBNOXIOUS and it has to stop. Also, I'm pale. And I'm fat. And I need a face lift.
It occurs to me that I don't know what a face lift is, exactly. I think it is a big makeover where they peel your skin off, and stuff. So, I have a plan. I'll put it in here later!
Wahooooooooooo. I have 2 things to say in closing.
1. I Y MATT!
2. THS, Here I come!
Gotta jog (as U-Know-Who would say, not that I care what HE says anymore!)
insufficient churchy-ness - 12.08.88
A lot is happening right now, inside me anyway. Let me try to stop being a boy crazy airhead and write something that really matters to me.
I've made a few decisions. And right or wrong, that's what they are. If I'm accepted, I'm going to THS 2nd semester this year.
I need a change of pace, if only to sort things out in my head. My life seems turned upside down and I don't really know how to change it.
I've been exercising a little and making a small effort to eat less.
My room is a haven for me at this time. I redecorated it, ripped up the carpet, painted the pink walls white and the trim black, cleared out all the kid stuff. It's just my books, pictures, and music. Most of my time is spent here.
School is all of a sudden going fantastic socially. Grades? I think I'll receive my first B's ever this semester. Yikes! Mom and Dad really get on my nerves, so family life isn't going too swift. But Ben? He said he cannot understand anyone who doesn't like their parents.
It occurs to me that there is a hierarchy at church, where we are all supposed to be brothers and sisters and one big family under God. Love thy neighbor, blah blah blah. Sure we do, as long as our neighbor is righteous and churchy and has family home evening every week.
My dad says there is a pecking order (like chickens who peck at each other) in high school. Usually the prettiest or the most athletic people whose parents have the most money are at the top. Don't tell me church isn't the same way. Only, it is about who has the best family, the best behaved kids, the super churchy callings, who is Mia Maid president, blah blah blah. Then, add to that all the looks and money stupidness.
Sometimes I feel so alone there because my family is small and not close and we don't take up an entire pew and my parents never fight but they definitely don't enjoy each other's company, either.
Whatever I felt for Ben, it never was. We're from different classes, you know. Like, my family is not the happy, celestial type and his is very close. Who cares that we live a block apart? They all love each other and laugh together over dinner and my house is silent and we're "strangers to one another." (My grandma said that when she visited us for my baptism).
One-sided relationships are quite poopy. All feelings for Ben are respectfully dead, buried, gone. I'm glad. That experience was exhausting. And, I'm going to be exhausted if I don't go to bed now.
I've made a few decisions. And right or wrong, that's what they are. If I'm accepted, I'm going to THS 2nd semester this year.
I need a change of pace, if only to sort things out in my head. My life seems turned upside down and I don't really know how to change it.
I've been exercising a little and making a small effort to eat less.
My room is a haven for me at this time. I redecorated it, ripped up the carpet, painted the pink walls white and the trim black, cleared out all the kid stuff. It's just my books, pictures, and music. Most of my time is spent here.
School is all of a sudden going fantastic socially. Grades? I think I'll receive my first B's ever this semester. Yikes! Mom and Dad really get on my nerves, so family life isn't going too swift. But Ben? He said he cannot understand anyone who doesn't like their parents.
It occurs to me that there is a hierarchy at church, where we are all supposed to be brothers and sisters and one big family under God. Love thy neighbor, blah blah blah. Sure we do, as long as our neighbor is righteous and churchy and has family home evening every week.
My dad says there is a pecking order (like chickens who peck at each other) in high school. Usually the prettiest or the most athletic people whose parents have the most money are at the top. Don't tell me church isn't the same way. Only, it is about who has the best family, the best behaved kids, the super churchy callings, who is Mia Maid president, blah blah blah. Then, add to that all the looks and money stupidness.
Sometimes I feel so alone there because my family is small and not close and we don't take up an entire pew and my parents never fight but they definitely don't enjoy each other's company, either.
Whatever I felt for Ben, it never was. We're from different classes, you know. Like, my family is not the happy, celestial type and his is very close. Who cares that we live a block apart? They all love each other and laugh together over dinner and my house is silent and we're "strangers to one another." (My grandma said that when she visited us for my baptism).
One-sided relationships are quite poopy. All feelings for Ben are respectfully dead, buried, gone. I'm glad. That experience was exhausting. And, I'm going to be exhausted if I don't go to bed now.
grouching around - 12.03.88
I'm babysitting tonight. The baby is so good and cute. I think he's kind of sick. He's been sleeping for a while now and his parents may not be home until 2am. It's only 10:30pm now and I'm kind of worried.
I used to want a baby and now I don't. It gives me an ulcer, all the worrying and responsibility. I still love babies, though.
I haven't written in sooooo long. Sad. My life is pretty screwed up right now. It has been for a while. Disorganized, too. I feel so out of place. Like I'm a failure at everything. I'm never satisfied. I'm always grouching around and tired and procrastinating about something.
DO IT!!!
That was President Kimball's motto. I'm kind of in the middle of one of his books, The Miracle of Forgiveness. It was on the bookshelf and it gives me hope but it also makes me realize how wicked I am. So does seminary.
Sister H. tells us that sin is like a nail in a board and you can repent and the nail will come out but the hole is still there in the board. Why go through the agony of repenting, then, I wonder? I'll have to ask about it.
I've been faking happiness lately. I don't want to be fake, but I don't want to wander around all depressed "oh feel sorry for me" either. I wish I could pray, but my unbelief and sin and guilt stop me.
I want to be happy for real and I know if I could just do what's right all the time, then I would be happy but sometimes I think my life is too screwed up.
I swear sometimes and I am not very nice to my parents and I say things I don't mean and I also don't think very nice things about people. President Kimball's book even says we're not supposed to use "loud laughter" and I laugh loud all the time!
I think I need help but my parents would just lecture me and Anna would just tell me all the good things I like to hear but that won't help me be a better person.
I better go check on the baby.
I used to want a baby and now I don't. It gives me an ulcer, all the worrying and responsibility. I still love babies, though.
I haven't written in sooooo long. Sad. My life is pretty screwed up right now. It has been for a while. Disorganized, too. I feel so out of place. Like I'm a failure at everything. I'm never satisfied. I'm always grouching around and tired and procrastinating about something.
DO IT!!!
That was President Kimball's motto. I'm kind of in the middle of one of his books, The Miracle of Forgiveness. It was on the bookshelf and it gives me hope but it also makes me realize how wicked I am. So does seminary.
Sister H. tells us that sin is like a nail in a board and you can repent and the nail will come out but the hole is still there in the board. Why go through the agony of repenting, then, I wonder? I'll have to ask about it.
I've been faking happiness lately. I don't want to be fake, but I don't want to wander around all depressed "oh feel sorry for me" either. I wish I could pray, but my unbelief and sin and guilt stop me.
I want to be happy for real and I know if I could just do what's right all the time, then I would be happy but sometimes I think my life is too screwed up.
I swear sometimes and I am not very nice to my parents and I say things I don't mean and I also don't think very nice things about people. President Kimball's book even says we're not supposed to use "loud laughter" and I laugh loud all the time!
I think I need help but my parents would just lecture me and Anna would just tell me all the good things I like to hear but that won't help me be a better person.
I better go check on the baby.
giving thanks - 11.24.88
Thanksgiving. I had mass fun visiting Nate at college. It was pretty cool. And, I totally stole his Swatch! He said I could have it because I wore it the whole time I was there.
It's way too bad I wasn't born 4 or 5 years earlier. All of the great, mature guys are bunches older than me. One of Nate's roommates was asking me what I like to do and what I'm studying.
Nate was all like, "She's my sister, you moron!" And then my stupid big brother had to tell his roommate how old I am. What an IDIOT.
So his roommate goes, "Just think, when you were born, I was nine years old." He was so buff! And, he was a return missionary.
I started to say, "That doesn't bother ME," but Nate totally gave me a noogie and made me shut up.
And, I got Nate in trouble with his girlfriend because her friend saw me and Nate together at the bank (he was hugging me because I brought a check for him from mom and dad) and his girlfriend's friend was all calling her and telling her Nate was cheating on her and I had to show her my student ID with my name and everything. It was HILARIOUS.
I am serious, though, I have to stop thinking about guys before I get myself in trouble. I mean it! I haven't even kissed anyone for real yet, but I am already in trouble with God cuz He knows my thoughts and in my thoughts I am not as righteous as I need to be, to say the least.
(I still want someone to kiss my collar bones! But, I need to repent for that because it occurs to me how would someone go about kissing my collar bones without it being some kind of a nicmo? [A nicmo is Ben's word for non-commital make out session] But, aren't nicmos ok as long as no one has to do a hand check?
I'm not exactly sure what is involved in a nicmo but I'm afraid to ask Ben and Charles because they will just laugh about the tongue-in-the-ear fiasco and I CANNOT ask Nate or he will lock me away in my room and toss the key in the toilet).
Since it is Thanksgiving, I should mention what I'm thankful for:
1. My big brother, who by moving away to college has lifted the curse of the older brother
2. Incredibly buff and righteous return missionaries who think I'm older than 14
3. My friends, especially Anna, Charles, Ben (sigh) and Phoebe
4. My parents, who flew me down to visit Nate at school even though I can be a total wench
5. The possibility of transferring so I won't be the FF Poppy anymore
6. My new Swatch (wink, wink)
It's way too bad I wasn't born 4 or 5 years earlier. All of the great, mature guys are bunches older than me. One of Nate's roommates was asking me what I like to do and what I'm studying.
Nate was all like, "She's my sister, you moron!" And then my stupid big brother had to tell his roommate how old I am. What an IDIOT.
So his roommate goes, "Just think, when you were born, I was nine years old." He was so buff! And, he was a return missionary.
I started to say, "That doesn't bother ME," but Nate totally gave me a noogie and made me shut up.
And, I got Nate in trouble with his girlfriend because her friend saw me and Nate together at the bank (he was hugging me because I brought a check for him from mom and dad) and his girlfriend's friend was all calling her and telling her Nate was cheating on her and I had to show her my student ID with my name and everything. It was HILARIOUS.
I am serious, though, I have to stop thinking about guys before I get myself in trouble. I mean it! I haven't even kissed anyone for real yet, but I am already in trouble with God cuz He knows my thoughts and in my thoughts I am not as righteous as I need to be, to say the least.
(I still want someone to kiss my collar bones! But, I need to repent for that because it occurs to me how would someone go about kissing my collar bones without it being some kind of a nicmo? [A nicmo is Ben's word for non-commital make out session] But, aren't nicmos ok as long as no one has to do a hand check?
I'm not exactly sure what is involved in a nicmo but I'm afraid to ask Ben and Charles because they will just laugh about the tongue-in-the-ear fiasco and I CANNOT ask Nate or he will lock me away in my room and toss the key in the toilet).
Since it is Thanksgiving, I should mention what I'm thankful for:
1. My big brother, who by moving away to college has lifted the curse of the older brother
2. Incredibly buff and righteous return missionaries who think I'm older than 14
3. My friends, especially Anna, Charles, Ben (sigh) and Phoebe
4. My parents, who flew me down to visit Nate at school even though I can be a total wench
5. The possibility of transferring so I won't be the FF Poppy anymore
6. My new Swatch (wink, wink)
an uncurable disease - 11.15.88
I've got an uncurable disease. It is called ILWB syndrome. In Love With Ben syndrome. Always and 4 ever! I really don't know what to do. I like Matt a lot. But what I feel for Ben runs soooo deep. And he is the only guy I never stopped liking, even though I said it and thought it.
I can fake I don't like him but it gets harder and harder. Especially when he looks straight into my eyes and I can't read what his are saying. Every time we look at each other, I try to figure out what he's feeling but I can't.
He's probably thinking, "I'm hungry right now. I think I'll have a sandwich." Sometimes I catch him off guard and he'll look away. Especially last Sunday when Anna said he was watching me, and then I'd look at him, and then he'd look away.
I wish I had powers of ESP or something, so I could read his mind. Then again, if I had ESP, I could read everybody's mind. Which would be RAD because then I would know the truth. It is so hard to figure out.
What I think about myself (fat+ugly+stupid most of the time) seems like it is true, but then my friends say something totally different and guys do notice me (now, at least) but I still feel like my friends could be lying and the guys could just be doing what guys do and it is really hard to tell for sure.
And even if I COULD read minds, is what they are thinking even true or accurate or is it just as screwy as what I think? It's not like I'm a fabulous judge of character.
I'm so excited to go see my big bro in college. That will be mass fun! I wrote him a letter but I'll have to give it to him when I get there because I forgot to mail it. I bet when I get there I will forget all about high school boys. Right? Hasta la vista, Ben! Yeah, sure.
Why do I keep torturing myself. JUST LET IT GO! I'm SO DUMB. And tired.
I can fake I don't like him but it gets harder and harder. Especially when he looks straight into my eyes and I can't read what his are saying. Every time we look at each other, I try to figure out what he's feeling but I can't.
He's probably thinking, "I'm hungry right now. I think I'll have a sandwich." Sometimes I catch him off guard and he'll look away. Especially last Sunday when Anna said he was watching me, and then I'd look at him, and then he'd look away.
I wish I had powers of ESP or something, so I could read his mind. Then again, if I had ESP, I could read everybody's mind. Which would be RAD because then I would know the truth. It is so hard to figure out.
What I think about myself (fat+ugly+stupid most of the time) seems like it is true, but then my friends say something totally different and guys do notice me (now, at least) but I still feel like my friends could be lying and the guys could just be doing what guys do and it is really hard to tell for sure.
And even if I COULD read minds, is what they are thinking even true or accurate or is it just as screwy as what I think? It's not like I'm a fabulous judge of character.
I'm so excited to go see my big bro in college. That will be mass fun! I wrote him a letter but I'll have to give it to him when I get there because I forgot to mail it. I bet when I get there I will forget all about high school boys. Right? Hasta la vista, Ben! Yeah, sure.
Why do I keep torturing myself. JUST LET IT GO! I'm SO DUMB. And tired.
a note from Doug - 11.14.88
Today was sooooooo funny. Doug was joking around in seminary and gave me this note, asking me to be his girlfriend but like when we were in gradeschool, with the yes and no boxes. I could not stop laughing. Earlier, I might have cried (at home, of course) because he was just teasing, but now it's like, really funny.
I kept bugging him to write me a note and this is what I got. Santa vaca! (That's spanish for holy cow. I'm taking Spanish next year. Doug takes Spanish and he says it is RAD). The note I wrote back looked something like this:
HILARIOUS. Then I wrote him about 3 really long notes, just to make him feel bad for writing me such a short note, the geek.
I kept bugging him to write me a note and this is what I got. Santa vaca! (That's spanish for holy cow. I'm taking Spanish next year. Doug takes Spanish and he says it is RAD). The note I wrote back looked something like this:
HILARIOUS. Then I wrote him about 3 really long notes, just to make him feel bad for writing me such a short note, the geek.
Roger is still mad at me because I called him a geek. I was calling everybody a geek. He's so sensitive.
I told Doug that I don't like Matt anymore. I mean, how can I? I only see him at football games.
I wonder if Doug was serious about his idea for the note but didn't know how I'd react so he made a joke. There I go, being conceited again. One more week until I fly down to see my brother!
This all brings to mind something that I need to remind myself. I don't ever want to be stuck-up. In seventh grade, all the girls were so stuck-up.
Once, I said to Sandy that I was going to a party. She said, "Oh and what are you going to do there? Eat cake and ice cream?" Like that was totally nerdy and stupid. As it happens, yes, it was going to be a cake and ice cream party but I felt stupid all the same.
And then, Sandy and Libby went to the Bon Jovi concert and when I asked what it was like and said I wanted to go, they were all like, "Don't you just listen to John Denver all day?" I listen to KUBE just like everyone else!
Maybe I shouldn't call anyone a geek, even if I'm kidding. Because I don't want to be stuck up. I need to remember that I'm not anything special. I don't want to make people feel bad.
This all brings to mind something that I need to remind myself. I don't ever want to be stuck-up. In seventh grade, all the girls were so stuck-up.
Once, I said to Sandy that I was going to a party. She said, "Oh and what are you going to do there? Eat cake and ice cream?" Like that was totally nerdy and stupid. As it happens, yes, it was going to be a cake and ice cream party but I felt stupid all the same.
And then, Sandy and Libby went to the Bon Jovi concert and when I asked what it was like and said I wanted to go, they were all like, "Don't you just listen to John Denver all day?" I listen to KUBE just like everyone else!
Maybe I shouldn't call anyone a geek, even if I'm kidding. Because I don't want to be stuck up. I need to remember that I'm not anything special. I don't want to make people feel bad.
teen girl grain: message from 2009
A few 80s Angst readers voiced concerns about the mood swings (and silly obsessions) in these diary entries. Teenage boys of all decades, please don't worry. The very act of writing down psychotic thoughts (in this case) was an extremely effective therapy all its own. Also, I didn't get my driving license until I was 18, so stalking wasn't possible until I was well past the "so sprung over you that I can't handle it" stage.
In Louann Brizendine, M.D.'s book The Female Brain, she documents TEEN GIRL BRAIN, {like totally} and explains its effects. {You should totally read it. I like it mass!} Let me share the first paragraphs of Teen Girl Brain (chapter 2) with you:
Drama, Drama, Drama. That's what's happening in a teen girl's life and a teen girl's brain. "Mom, I so totally can't go to school. I just found out Brian likes me and I have a huge zit and no concealer. How can you even think I'll go!" "Homework? I told you I'm not doing any more until you promise to send me away to school. I can't stand living with you for one more minute!"...
Did you think you were reading the diary entries there for a minute? Nope, that's from the book. {I'm so, like, totally normal. Wait. Do I want to be normal? Normal sounds boring!}
The teenage years are a turbulent time. The teen girl's brain is sprouting, reorganizing, and pruning neuronal circuits that drive the way she thinks, feels, and acts-and obsesses over her looks. Her brain is unfolding ancient instructions on how to become a woman. During puberty, a girl's entire biological raison d'etre is to become sexually desirable. She begins judging herself against her peers and media images of other attractive females. This brain state is created by *the surge of new hormones on top of the ancient female genetic blueprint...
Their brains are hard at work rewiring themselves and this is why conflicts will increase and become more intense as teen girls struggle for independence and identity. Who are they anyway? They are developing the parts of themselves that most make them women - their strength for communicating, forming social bonds, and nurturing those around them.
Of course, it is always a good idea to be on the lookout for teen girl brain circuitry gone haywire, beyond the pale of the average boy-obsessed fiendishness. Good luck with that one! For some great context, though, check out Brizendine's work. Or, just know it will pass.
By the time I turned 20, I found it tiresome to put on make-up and preferred washing dishes to talking on the phone. At 35, the closest thing to boy obsession I've felt in a long time manifested itself in political campaigning over the past year.
Quick summary: It IS possible to survive the estrogen-progesterone onslaught. Yes we can, my sisters. Yes We Can.
In Louann Brizendine, M.D.'s book The Female Brain, she documents TEEN GIRL BRAIN, {like totally} and explains its effects. {You should totally read it. I like it mass!} Let me share the first paragraphs of Teen Girl Brain (chapter 2) with you:
Drama, Drama, Drama. That's what's happening in a teen girl's life and a teen girl's brain. "Mom, I so totally can't go to school. I just found out Brian likes me and I have a huge zit and no concealer. How can you even think I'll go!" "Homework? I told you I'm not doing any more until you promise to send me away to school. I can't stand living with you for one more minute!"...
Did you think you were reading the diary entries there for a minute? Nope, that's from the book. {I'm so, like, totally normal. Wait. Do I want to be normal? Normal sounds boring!}
The teenage years are a turbulent time. The teen girl's brain is sprouting, reorganizing, and pruning neuronal circuits that drive the way she thinks, feels, and acts-and obsesses over her looks. Her brain is unfolding ancient instructions on how to become a woman. During puberty, a girl's entire biological raison d'etre is to become sexually desirable. She begins judging herself against her peers and media images of other attractive females. This brain state is created by *the surge of new hormones on top of the ancient female genetic blueprint...
Their brains are hard at work rewiring themselves and this is why conflicts will increase and become more intense as teen girls struggle for independence and identity. Who are they anyway? They are developing the parts of themselves that most make them women - their strength for communicating, forming social bonds, and nurturing those around them.
Of course, it is always a good idea to be on the lookout for teen girl brain circuitry gone haywire, beyond the pale of the average boy-obsessed fiendishness. Good luck with that one! For some great context, though, check out Brizendine's work. Or, just know it will pass.
By the time I turned 20, I found it tiresome to put on make-up and preferred washing dishes to talking on the phone. At 35, the closest thing to boy obsession I've felt in a long time manifested itself in political campaigning over the past year.
Quick summary: It IS possible to survive the estrogen-progesterone onslaught. Yes we can, my sisters. Yes We Can.
the ff poppy - 11.13.88 (pm entry)
I've been thinking about transferring to THS. I want to go somewhere where I don't know people and they don't know me. Going to high school with the same kids I've known since elementary is fruity. You don't have the chance to be anyone else. To them, I'm still the brainy, chubby, innocent girl who cried when that super tall girl in eighth grade chased me into choir class yelling mean things about my clothes.
I want to be someone else. Like, there was this girl in third grade who puked in the garbage can because she fainted after recess. She will always be the girl who puked. Always.
In the fourth grade I tried out for The Wizard of Oz and I got a stupid poppy part. I was a dancing poppy and I had to wear a green leotard and green tights with a gigantic flower made out of netting around my face.
Of course, I was fat. Who ever heard of a fat poppy? And one day we were practicing and I was sitting on the hardwood floor wearing my costume with my knees up and my legs crossed. We were all crowded together and it was very quiet because we were listening to the teacher.
I don't know what happened but I totally accidentally farted. It was really loud, especially against the hardwood. It like ricocheted (sp?). And nobody said anything, they all just moved away from me until no one was sitting next to me. I was a sulphur island in the middle of the gym floor. At NTHS, I am always going to be the stupid farting poppy.
So, I want to transfer to THS where I can be something else. Besides, Matt goes to school at THS! Also, they have a great drama department. They did Grease last year and it was so cool!
It's funny. Ben and I actually have a bet. If he gains ten pounds before I lose ten pounds, I have to stay at NTHS. We made the bet and then I asked him what he wants from me if he wins the bet. And he said, "You have to stay at NTHS." So sweet. And it is conversations like this that I have to remember that I'm sprung over Matt so that I don't act like a goo ball over Ben.
What is weird is that Charles is acting like he likes me all of a sudden. I don't mean to sound conceited because I could be wrong. Maybe he is just protective. Or maybe he is like every other guy on the planet and only cares about looks and therefore is just now noticing me because I lost a bunch of weight. How annoying.
Of course, when Charles and I "went out" (if you can call it that) I had just started losing the weight so maybe I shouldn't be such a jerk. But I don't get him at all. We tried "going out" last year and we both thought it was silly. Maybe he just likes older, high school women now. (wink wink) Just kidding.
You know, this is my second entry this Sunday and I haven't written one single spiritual thing. My thoughts, language, and spirituality are all poop. I want to be truly happy and perfect and have the real joy that comes from loving the people around me, the world, God, everything more than I love myself. But, it takes so much work! What for?
Being perfect sounds impossible. I know some girls at church who think they are perfect and they are so annoying. Plus, this is my diary so I might as well be honest. Trying to be perfect sounds like a lot of hard work to just be bored silly for all that effort. I'll probably go to hell for writing that.
Right now one of my favorite songs is on the radio, "Every Rose has Its Thorn" by Poison. I love this song! Maybe the thorn of being a perfect rose is that you are a bored, perfect rose. Just kidding!
I want to be someone else. Like, there was this girl in third grade who puked in the garbage can because she fainted after recess. She will always be the girl who puked. Always.
In the fourth grade I tried out for The Wizard of Oz and I got a stupid poppy part. I was a dancing poppy and I had to wear a green leotard and green tights with a gigantic flower made out of netting around my face.
Of course, I was fat. Who ever heard of a fat poppy? And one day we were practicing and I was sitting on the hardwood floor wearing my costume with my knees up and my legs crossed. We were all crowded together and it was very quiet because we were listening to the teacher.
I don't know what happened but I totally accidentally farted. It was really loud, especially against the hardwood. It like ricocheted (sp?). And nobody said anything, they all just moved away from me until no one was sitting next to me. I was a sulphur island in the middle of the gym floor. At NTHS, I am always going to be the stupid farting poppy.
So, I want to transfer to THS where I can be something else. Besides, Matt goes to school at THS! Also, they have a great drama department. They did Grease last year and it was so cool!
It's funny. Ben and I actually have a bet. If he gains ten pounds before I lose ten pounds, I have to stay at NTHS. We made the bet and then I asked him what he wants from me if he wins the bet. And he said, "You have to stay at NTHS." So sweet. And it is conversations like this that I have to remember that I'm sprung over Matt so that I don't act like a goo ball over Ben.
What is weird is that Charles is acting like he likes me all of a sudden. I don't mean to sound conceited because I could be wrong. Maybe he is just protective. Or maybe he is like every other guy on the planet and only cares about looks and therefore is just now noticing me because I lost a bunch of weight. How annoying.
Of course, when Charles and I "went out" (if you can call it that) I had just started losing the weight so maybe I shouldn't be such a jerk. But I don't get him at all. We tried "going out" last year and we both thought it was silly. Maybe he just likes older, high school women now. (wink wink) Just kidding.
You know, this is my second entry this Sunday and I haven't written one single spiritual thing. My thoughts, language, and spirituality are all poop. I want to be truly happy and perfect and have the real joy that comes from loving the people around me, the world, God, everything more than I love myself. But, it takes so much work! What for?
Being perfect sounds impossible. I know some girls at church who think they are perfect and they are so annoying. Plus, this is my diary so I might as well be honest. Trying to be perfect sounds like a lot of hard work to just be bored silly for all that effort. I'll probably go to hell for writing that.
Right now one of my favorite songs is on the radio, "Every Rose has Its Thorn" by Poison. I love this song! Maybe the thorn of being a perfect rose is that you are a bored, perfect rose. Just kidding!
guys aren't like us - 11.13.88
Today in sacrament meeting at church Tina kept nudging me and whispering to me that Doug was looking at me. Well, not to be stuck-up, but he was. I really wish I could figure him out.
I'm beginning to think that guys aren't like us (meaning girls) at all when it comes to crushes. I think guys can like lots of girls all at once, and I think they are not very particular about who and why.
I say this, but maybe we are actually VERY alike. I like attention. It's nice. Guys do, too, I guess. But, for guys like Doug it must be this random, ever present thing. I'm sure there wasn't a single girl in sacrament meeting who wasn't hoping Doug would look her way.
I don't want to be just a silly, passing, vague girl to him. He can have all the girlfriends he wants (obviously) but I will not get jealous. I will be his true friend. It will be painful because I feel more than just friendship for him and I have to make sure he has no inkling that I like him.
I will talk to him about Matt. He will talk to me about the girls he likes. We do this on the bus ride home from school every day. Sometimes it actually physically hurts, like my chest goes tight. Because then I keep messing with myself in my head. What if he's acting, too?
No, it's not possible. My brother says guys aren't that complicated. But, what if? What if he enjoys our friendship just as much as I do and he also knows that high school crushes never go anywhere and neither one of us want to ruin our friendship with a crush? Aaaaargh!
I'm beginning to think that guys aren't like us (meaning girls) at all when it comes to crushes. I think guys can like lots of girls all at once, and I think they are not very particular about who and why.
I say this, but maybe we are actually VERY alike. I like attention. It's nice. Guys do, too, I guess. But, for guys like Doug it must be this random, ever present thing. I'm sure there wasn't a single girl in sacrament meeting who wasn't hoping Doug would look her way.
I don't want to be just a silly, passing, vague girl to him. He can have all the girlfriends he wants (obviously) but I will not get jealous. I will be his true friend. It will be painful because I feel more than just friendship for him and I have to make sure he has no inkling that I like him.
I will talk to him about Matt. He will talk to me about the girls he likes. We do this on the bus ride home from school every day. Sometimes it actually physically hurts, like my chest goes tight. Because then I keep messing with myself in my head. What if he's acting, too?
No, it's not possible. My brother says guys aren't that complicated. But, what if? What if he enjoys our friendship just as much as I do and he also knows that high school crushes never go anywhere and neither one of us want to ruin our friendship with a crush? Aaaaargh!
i heart sassy 4-ever! xoxo - 11.12.88
My Sassy magazine has this totally cool article about kissing in it! It, like, tells you how to kiss and more importantly now NOT to kiss. You're not supposed to come on like a Mack truck. I guess that means you're not supposed to start big. Anyway, it also tells you how to practice on your hand. I've totally been practicing!
I haven't kissed anyone for real. Michael kissed me behind the dumpster in the third grade and all I remember about it was it looked like he hadn't brushed his teeth in a while and the dumpster smelled. The dumpster was behind the cafeteria and it always had milk coming out of it like little watery milk puddles. So GROSS!
Also, I think Brian tried to kiss me once in the park when I was in the eighth grade, but that doesn't count because I asked him to. The park was so romantic, and we were going out. But it was weird because we were better friends and talked more on the phone when we weren't going out, so we broke up before he ever tried to kiss me without me suggesting it.
I can't remember how long we went out but I think it was less than a week. I didn't know what to do and I'm pretty sure he didn't either.
A guy from the play totally kissed me but I just sort of followed along because I was not sure what to do and then he totally stuck his tongue in my ear. Ewww! It felt kind of good when he kissed me on the ear but when he stuck his tongue in it all the way, it was so nasty. I kept thinking it must taste awful! And I wanted to rub the spit out of it right away.
I told Brian and Doug about the nasty tongue in the ear and they said you are NOT supposed to do that and they laughed for a LONG time. They still tease me about it.
The Sassy article says not to put your tongue down somebody's throat, at least right away anyway. That's a relief. They should have mentioned not putting your tongue INSIDE someone's ear, also. Why do people stick their tongues down other people's throats? I would totally choke, I know it! I hate tongue depressors! I can't ever keep my tongue down and I gag.
I know I sound like a goody two shoes, but I'm not! Lately, I think about kissing guys all the time. I really want someone to kiss my collar bones. Tina told me it feels GREAT when a guy kisses your collar bones.
Anyway, when I have a REAL first kiss I want to know what I'm doing! So, you practice by kissing the part of your hand where the thumb and palm meet. I've tried kissing my pillow, and the hand is definitely better.
I haven't kissed anyone for real. Michael kissed me behind the dumpster in the third grade and all I remember about it was it looked like he hadn't brushed his teeth in a while and the dumpster smelled. The dumpster was behind the cafeteria and it always had milk coming out of it like little watery milk puddles. So GROSS!
Also, I think Brian tried to kiss me once in the park when I was in the eighth grade, but that doesn't count because I asked him to. The park was so romantic, and we were going out. But it was weird because we were better friends and talked more on the phone when we weren't going out, so we broke up before he ever tried to kiss me without me suggesting it.
I can't remember how long we went out but I think it was less than a week. I didn't know what to do and I'm pretty sure he didn't either.
A guy from the play totally kissed me but I just sort of followed along because I was not sure what to do and then he totally stuck his tongue in my ear. Ewww! It felt kind of good when he kissed me on the ear but when he stuck his tongue in it all the way, it was so nasty. I kept thinking it must taste awful! And I wanted to rub the spit out of it right away.
I told Brian and Doug about the nasty tongue in the ear and they said you are NOT supposed to do that and they laughed for a LONG time. They still tease me about it.
The Sassy article says not to put your tongue down somebody's throat, at least right away anyway. That's a relief. They should have mentioned not putting your tongue INSIDE someone's ear, also. Why do people stick their tongues down other people's throats? I would totally choke, I know it! I hate tongue depressors! I can't ever keep my tongue down and I gag.
I know I sound like a goody two shoes, but I'm not! Lately, I think about kissing guys all the time. I really want someone to kiss my collar bones. Tina told me it feels GREAT when a guy kisses your collar bones.
Anyway, when I have a REAL first kiss I want to know what I'm doing! So, you practice by kissing the part of your hand where the thumb and palm meet. I've tried kissing my pillow, and the hand is definitely better.
Tina says I'm such a nerd for practicing. But, you practice everything else to get better at it. Why not kissing?
the photoshoot - 11.07.88
Elections are tomorrow. I have lots of homework. Roger wrote me notes today in PNW and I got my Sassy magazine in the mail. I went to Anna's, and I like Matt. Tonight, Anna took pictures of me. She said I need to have pictures taken because I've lost weight. I wore my purple Generra sweatshirt and my purple eyeshadow, mascara, blush and lipstick. All of it matches. I also wore my black stretch jeans. I pegged them myself and if I wear them all day, they hurt my legs.
Anna styled my hair and it looked really nice. I wish she could do my hair every day before school! She sprays my hair while I'm bent over so I get lots of volume. She made my hair look really curly even though I need a new perm. I love it when it is so big because it makes my face look smaller. Anna hung up a sheet and took pictures of me holding a teddy bear. She's going to get them developed this weekend at Woolworth.
I still want to lose more weight. I think 10 pounds would be good, although I need to lose 20 if I want to be an actress.
Why I want to lose weight:
1. To feel better about myself
2. To feel comfortable around people
3. To look good
4. To be healthier
5. To be confident
6. So Matt will like me
7. To be a size 5
How I will lose weight:
1. Run the track every weekend
2. Do aerobics and jump on the trampoline every day for 1 1/2 hours
3. Eat 700 calories per day
Anna styled my hair and it looked really nice. I wish she could do my hair every day before school! She sprays my hair while I'm bent over so I get lots of volume. She made my hair look really curly even though I need a new perm. I love it when it is so big because it makes my face look smaller. Anna hung up a sheet and took pictures of me holding a teddy bear. She's going to get them developed this weekend at Woolworth.
I still want to lose more weight. I think 10 pounds would be good, although I need to lose 20 if I want to be an actress.
Why I want to lose weight:
1. To feel better about myself
2. To feel comfortable around people
3. To look good
4. To be healthier
5. To be confident
6. So Matt will like me
7. To be a size 5
How I will lose weight:
1. Run the track every weekend
2. Do aerobics and jump on the trampoline every day for 1 1/2 hours
3. Eat 700 calories per day
choking up - 11.03.88
Not much news except I'm totally sprung over Matt. My feelings for Ben are almost gone. It's a relief but I feel so empty. I mean, he's a good friend but it's weird to test myself for those feelings and not feel them anymore.
Phoebe unconsciously helped. She flirted with him like crazy and he responded. If he felt anything more than friendship for me, he wouldn't have responded to Phoebe. Besides, why wouldn't he like her better? My family is a mess and hers is totally churchy and rich. Plus, she is a flirt and I feel awkward flirting unless I only like the guy for a friend. Anna says she will teach me how to flirt. Anyway, it only took so much hurt for me to consciously decide I couldn't like him anymore. I know I've decided this before, but this time I mean it. Plus I'm older now and better at controlling my emotions.
It's funny how I can choke up my emotions until I forget they're still there. I just feel so dead. And the whole thing was my idea. I started it by saying how much I liked Matt. Then, I believed it. Then, I decided not to like Ben because it hurt so bad. I don't think I could fall for him again. I kind of have to ignore him a little though, because I'm not that good at faking things yet. Everything came to a point last Sunday and now whenever we see each other I think we can both feel the wedge I've forced into our friendship.
I kinda wonder if we're even friends. I'm listening to my mix tape right now. My favorite songs are Sheriff, "When I'm With You;" Poison, "Every Rose has Its Thorn," White Lion, "When the Children Cry," Tiffany, "All this Time" and "The Promise." I had so many dreams and they're gone now. Over Thanksgiving break, I get to go see my brother who is away at college. He knows how to cheer me up and I bet he could give me some good guy advice. Gotta scoot.
Phoebe unconsciously helped. She flirted with him like crazy and he responded. If he felt anything more than friendship for me, he wouldn't have responded to Phoebe. Besides, why wouldn't he like her better? My family is a mess and hers is totally churchy and rich. Plus, she is a flirt and I feel awkward flirting unless I only like the guy for a friend. Anna says she will teach me how to flirt. Anyway, it only took so much hurt for me to consciously decide I couldn't like him anymore. I know I've decided this before, but this time I mean it. Plus I'm older now and better at controlling my emotions.
It's funny how I can choke up my emotions until I forget they're still there. I just feel so dead. And the whole thing was my idea. I started it by saying how much I liked Matt. Then, I believed it. Then, I decided not to like Ben because it hurt so bad. I don't think I could fall for him again. I kind of have to ignore him a little though, because I'm not that good at faking things yet. Everything came to a point last Sunday and now whenever we see each other I think we can both feel the wedge I've forced into our friendship.
I kinda wonder if we're even friends. I'm listening to my mix tape right now. My favorite songs are Sheriff, "When I'm With You;" Poison, "Every Rose has Its Thorn," White Lion, "When the Children Cry," Tiffany, "All this Time" and "The Promise." I had so many dreams and they're gone now. Over Thanksgiving break, I get to go see my brother who is away at college. He knows how to cheer me up and I bet he could give me some good guy advice. Gotta scoot.
friendship lasts. crushes totally don't. - 10.27.88
Today I got slammed into my locker. I have a bottom locker and I was kneeling in front of it because I was wearing my miniskirt and I can't bend over to get my books out. So I was leaning there and I got pushed from behind into the locker, like totally hard. I could hear people yelling "There's a girl there!" And I was confused because I couldn't see what was going on. All I could see was the interior of my locker.
It turns out that these guys were totally fist fighting each other behind my locker and they slammed into me. I was kicking my legs trying to get out but the side of my face, my shoulder, and my hip were all pinned there. I know it was funny, but the worst part is I had to go fix my hair because the force totally flattened my bangs and I'm going to have the ugliest bruises in some odd places tomorrow.
I actually talked to Matt today on the phone. He is so sweet. And I can't forget the way he made me feel that one night last summer. My heart just thumped and thumped every time I was near him.
I get a totally different feeling when I'm around Ben. I feel so warm and secure with him. And we're really good friends now, and that is all I am going to ask for because friendship lasts. Crushes totally don't. Besides, that's all I'm gonna get so I might as well like Matt.
Charles told me last night that Ben likes me a lot for a friend. If Charles (Ben's brother and my good friend since diapers) is playing with my feelings on purpose, he's a jerk. But I'm sure he wouldn't do that, because he's just not like that. I just don't show any reaction. It's just that Ben and I have the same goals and the same attitude basically. Well, he's not nearly so emotional, but he's a GUY. Duh.
I feel so close to him sometimes, but Phoebe is totally sprung over him. Phoebe can also be totally unintentionally wenchy, just because she has everything she wants and her family is all spiritual. But, she is also my friend and a basically good person. It's just that I get sick of her being all "I know so much about the Bible and I'm so cute." I told her that I feel insecure a lot and she said, "Well, just feel good about yourself and smile a lot and act pretty." Like you can just do that all of a sudden. Feel good about yourself, I mean. And how exactly do you act pretty? It's annoying. Anyway, I'm gonna see Matt tomorrow night at the Slimer (that's the other school, his school) game.
Today I went to the eye doctor and I'm getting green tinted contacts. I can't wait! Ben likes girls with brown hair and green eyes. Well, I'm growing out my brown hair but my eyes will have to be fake. Actually, my eyes turn green when I cry but the rest of my face goes all blotchy and snotty and nasty, so contacts it is.
Anna's staying with me for this week. It's major fun. Mom is typing my report. What a sweetie.
It turns out that these guys were totally fist fighting each other behind my locker and they slammed into me. I was kicking my legs trying to get out but the side of my face, my shoulder, and my hip were all pinned there. I know it was funny, but the worst part is I had to go fix my hair because the force totally flattened my bangs and I'm going to have the ugliest bruises in some odd places tomorrow.
I actually talked to Matt today on the phone. He is so sweet. And I can't forget the way he made me feel that one night last summer. My heart just thumped and thumped every time I was near him.
I get a totally different feeling when I'm around Ben. I feel so warm and secure with him. And we're really good friends now, and that is all I am going to ask for because friendship lasts. Crushes totally don't. Besides, that's all I'm gonna get so I might as well like Matt.
Charles told me last night that Ben likes me a lot for a friend. If Charles (Ben's brother and my good friend since diapers) is playing with my feelings on purpose, he's a jerk. But I'm sure he wouldn't do that, because he's just not like that. I just don't show any reaction. It's just that Ben and I have the same goals and the same attitude basically. Well, he's not nearly so emotional, but he's a GUY. Duh.
I feel so close to him sometimes, but Phoebe is totally sprung over him. Phoebe can also be totally unintentionally wenchy, just because she has everything she wants and her family is all spiritual. But, she is also my friend and a basically good person. It's just that I get sick of her being all "I know so much about the Bible and I'm so cute." I told her that I feel insecure a lot and she said, "Well, just feel good about yourself and smile a lot and act pretty." Like you can just do that all of a sudden. Feel good about yourself, I mean. And how exactly do you act pretty? It's annoying. Anyway, I'm gonna see Matt tomorrow night at the Slimer (that's the other school, his school) game.
Today I went to the eye doctor and I'm getting green tinted contacts. I can't wait! Ben likes girls with brown hair and green eyes. Well, I'm growing out my brown hair but my eyes will have to be fake. Actually, my eyes turn green when I cry but the rest of my face goes all blotchy and snotty and nasty, so contacts it is.
Anna's staying with me for this week. It's major fun. Mom is typing my report. What a sweetie.
introducing....Mikare Night! - 10.24.88
This weekend was pretty cool except Sunday. Friday night I went to the movies with Anna and then we snuck into the football game at THS. We went to the football game because the movie was so boring. It was called Roger Rabbit. Why would anyone make a movie about a stupid rabbit? DUH. We're in high school, now! Cartoons are for middle school.
I'd rather see Gone with the Wind. I just finished the book, but I rewrote the ending because I wanted Scarlett and Rhett to end up together. They're too perfect with each other.
All of my books are going to have happy endings. Of course, unless I'm an actress. I'd rather be an actress than an author, because then when you're finished working, people actually clap for you. I was in a play last fall and it was mass cool! I can see why people can't stop acting once they start, even though they end up getting anorexic and addicted to drugs.
I wish I were anorexic. I can't be, though. I love food! But, if I'm an actress or a writer, I'm going to change my name. My name will be Mikare (pronounced Me - car - ree) Night or Mikare Delsa Anaqueese.
My dance class last year had a girl in it named Mikare and she was a great dancer! She told me she was bulimic. She could totally barf at will. I'm petrified of vomiting, so I can't be a bulimic either.
It's too bad, really. The holidays are coming up and I'm going to need to lose some weight in January because I totally eat mass shortbread cookies during Christmas. I'm not even going to try not to. I'm crazed for shortbread!
Anyway, THS was playing CHS on the NTHS field because the THS field is lame. At the game I saw Matt. Anna was totally sprung over Matt last summer but she's over him. At least, she says she's over him. I met a different guy who just came up and said hi and we just started talking. But I don't like him for more than a friend. I didn't get to talk to Matt that much and I couldn't see because I didn't have my contacts in.
So I have no idea who won the game but it's not like I care. Football is so boring. I just go because the football players line up with their butts to the stands. I'm such a perv! All I can say is Matt looks great in his marching band uniform even though marching band is dorky. Matt is one of those cool people who can pull off being in marching band, which is saying something. Like, totally wow.
Then on Saturday, me and Anna went to the dance and I had a blast! Mostly I danced with Ben and Charles but I also danced with a bunch of guys I met during the play. I totally miss them! At least we can hang out at dances because they don't go to NTHS. It was kinda fun but I made my decision then and there that I can't handle loving Ben anymore. I can't stand seeing him with other girls...looking at them the same way he looks at me, making all the times we've totally hung out seem normal and routine.
What I need is a distraction. Because Anna swears she's not sprung on Matt anymore, I could totally like him in a strictly flirtational sort of way. We met last summer and he totally flirted with me and I thought maybe he liked me then but it turns out he flirts with most everyone just because he can.
So, that's fair. I know I can't convince Anna that I'm over Ben, but I can convince everyone else. I've always been attracted to Matt. He has the dorky soccer player hair cut, but his eyes are an intense shade of blue like Ben's. And, he's mass fun.
Sunday was pretty bad. And stupid. I don't know if there is a God. And I'm so sick of the cliques at church that I could actually barf. Today was just another Monday. Totally boring. Besides, I need to stop writing. I'm getting a callous on my right hand that looks like a wart.
I'd rather see Gone with the Wind. I just finished the book, but I rewrote the ending because I wanted Scarlett and Rhett to end up together. They're too perfect with each other.
All of my books are going to have happy endings. Of course, unless I'm an actress. I'd rather be an actress than an author, because then when you're finished working, people actually clap for you. I was in a play last fall and it was mass cool! I can see why people can't stop acting once they start, even though they end up getting anorexic and addicted to drugs.
I wish I were anorexic. I can't be, though. I love food! But, if I'm an actress or a writer, I'm going to change my name. My name will be Mikare (pronounced Me - car - ree) Night or Mikare Delsa Anaqueese.
My dance class last year had a girl in it named Mikare and she was a great dancer! She told me she was bulimic. She could totally barf at will. I'm petrified of vomiting, so I can't be a bulimic either.
It's too bad, really. The holidays are coming up and I'm going to need to lose some weight in January because I totally eat mass shortbread cookies during Christmas. I'm not even going to try not to. I'm crazed for shortbread!
Anyway, THS was playing CHS on the NTHS field because the THS field is lame. At the game I saw Matt. Anna was totally sprung over Matt last summer but she's over him. At least, she says she's over him. I met a different guy who just came up and said hi and we just started talking. But I don't like him for more than a friend. I didn't get to talk to Matt that much and I couldn't see because I didn't have my contacts in.
So I have no idea who won the game but it's not like I care. Football is so boring. I just go because the football players line up with their butts to the stands. I'm such a perv! All I can say is Matt looks great in his marching band uniform even though marching band is dorky. Matt is one of those cool people who can pull off being in marching band, which is saying something. Like, totally wow.
Then on Saturday, me and Anna went to the dance and I had a blast! Mostly I danced with Ben and Charles but I also danced with a bunch of guys I met during the play. I totally miss them! At least we can hang out at dances because they don't go to NTHS. It was kinda fun but I made my decision then and there that I can't handle loving Ben anymore. I can't stand seeing him with other girls...looking at them the same way he looks at me, making all the times we've totally hung out seem normal and routine.
What I need is a distraction. Because Anna swears she's not sprung on Matt anymore, I could totally like him in a strictly flirtational sort of way. We met last summer and he totally flirted with me and I thought maybe he liked me then but it turns out he flirts with most everyone just because he can.
So, that's fair. I know I can't convince Anna that I'm over Ben, but I can convince everyone else. I've always been attracted to Matt. He has the dorky soccer player hair cut, but his eyes are an intense shade of blue like Ben's. And, he's mass fun.
Sunday was pretty bad. And stupid. I don't know if there is a God. And I'm so sick of the cliques at church that I could actually barf. Today was just another Monday. Totally boring. Besides, I need to stop writing. I'm getting a callous on my right hand that looks like a wart.
of headaches and heartaches = 10.20.88
It seems like not one day goes by without me getting a headache or a heartache! I know, how corny. Yesterday, Ben really dressed up. He looked so good. And, he smelled amazing.
I try not to be sprung over him because Phoebe likes him mass, but I can't help it. Those eyes! They're this really deep blue and he has these long silky bangs the same length as the rest of his hair (all the other guys have dorky soccer hair cuts - permed and long in the back and short on top, so nerdy!) and his hair is so blonde and I just want to run my fingers through it.
Anyway, after school, he invited me to study with him. (We usually do something together every day for about two hours). He invited me even though he didn't have to. He is so sweet, and gorgeous. We didn't study. We talked... and talked and talked. We talked about so many things and he's so fun to be wtih and so fun to look at!
Today, though, we didn't see very much of each other. We didn't go running with our dogs or study or anything. Everything we do seems to be based on Biology or training our dogs: STRICTLY BUSINESS. But that is not what I feel when we are together. We are good friends. Besides my brother, Ben's my best friend who's a guy. I like that and I don't want it to change.
I had an argument with my parents and my mom is so tight! She feels the same way about me. It's pretty awful and me and my dad go at it pretty often too. I'm trying to be patient with them but not hard enough.
Anna's mom got in an accident last night. She is in the hospital! Anna is coming to stay the weekend with me. Anna hopes her mom uses the accident money to get a cool car and to go to Hawaii. Anna promises I can go, too. FUN. There's a dance this Saturday. What a great weekend!
I try not to be sprung over him because Phoebe likes him mass, but I can't help it. Those eyes! They're this really deep blue and he has these long silky bangs the same length as the rest of his hair (all the other guys have dorky soccer hair cuts - permed and long in the back and short on top, so nerdy!) and his hair is so blonde and I just want to run my fingers through it.
Anyway, after school, he invited me to study with him. (We usually do something together every day for about two hours). He invited me even though he didn't have to. He is so sweet, and gorgeous. We didn't study. We talked... and talked and talked. We talked about so many things and he's so fun to be wtih and so fun to look at!
Today, though, we didn't see very much of each other. We didn't go running with our dogs or study or anything. Everything we do seems to be based on Biology or training our dogs: STRICTLY BUSINESS. But that is not what I feel when we are together. We are good friends. Besides my brother, Ben's my best friend who's a guy. I like that and I don't want it to change.
I had an argument with my parents and my mom is so tight! She feels the same way about me. It's pretty awful and me and my dad go at it pretty often too. I'm trying to be patient with them but not hard enough.
Anna's mom got in an accident last night. She is in the hospital! Anna is coming to stay the weekend with me. Anna hopes her mom uses the accident money to get a cool car and to go to Hawaii. Anna promises I can go, too. FUN. There's a dance this Saturday. What a great weekend!
Signs that my daughers (ages 3 and 5) will be just as angst-ridden in their teenage years as I was:
B: After another child in her kindergarten class started playing with a doll she wanted: "She took my heart and crumpled it in little pieces."
S: Trying to calm down after bedtime routine went awry... "The crying words keep coming up."
B: Yelling at me for telling her I would play with her when she stopped being so bossy... "I'm standing here all alone in the middle of nothing!"
B: After another child in her kindergarten class started playing with a doll she wanted: "She took my heart and crumpled it in little pieces."
S: Trying to calm down after bedtime routine went awry... "The crying words keep coming up."
B: Yelling at me for telling her I would play with her when she stopped being so bossy... "I'm standing here all alone in the middle of nothing!"
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