DRAMA!!! It is the new love of my life. I tried out for the school play and I MADE IT! I'm still thinking I should use my screen name for the play.
THS is really well known for its drama department. They did Grease last year and it was a HUGE hit. So, who knows? Maybe a Hollywood agent will stop by and say, "Who WAS that girl who played Billy's mom?!"
And I'll say, "Mikare Night!!" If I get famous, I don't want people to go, oh yeah, now she's Mikare Night but she used to be that Smith girl. LAMERS.
The guys in drama are really cute and really weird! One of them knows all the Billy Joel songs and plays them on the piano before we warm up. He and these other guys have all these inside jokes, saying "Boot to the head! Boot to the head!" and "I crush your head!" while pinching together their fingers.
They're seniors, so I can't tell if I don't get them because they're so much older or if it's a drama thing.
I guess I should mention that my part is kind of small. I'm somebody's mother. But it is a speaking part! Of course it is only one line. And I'm not sure how they are going to use my screen name on the program because I don't even have a character name. In the script, I'm just "Billy's mom."
If I want bigger parts, I really should work on dropping another thirty pounds and maybe get some voice lessons.
At least, that's what M. says. Oh, and me and M. are best friends now. She's an actress, too. She's done theater FOREVER. Of course, Anna is my best best friend but she isn't here right now AND she's younger than me.
Last night I spent the night at M.'s and guess what? She's in love MASS with Ben. Of all people! I'm so glad I'm OVER him. I really am.
i am, but i'm not, but i act like one, but i'm not....03.28.1989
Last night M. came over and then we went to her house. Charles was there and being really horny, for Charles anyway. We were holding hands and he played with my hair but he got his hand got stuck because of all the hair spray. He was leaning against me while we talked. We get along so well!
R. just called me back. We talked for about a half hour. He seemed, like, really surprised by how I a really am. That kinda sucks. I guess Charles is portraying me to R. as some sweet, innocent kid. I'm not! I like guys and parties and all that stuff!
Well, I guess deep down inside I am still pretty innocent. But R. got my fake me: partier, guys... (at least I hope that me is fake). Actually, that me is pretty fake, considering I haven't really kissed anyone yet and I haven't really been to a party that didn't involve some kind of cake and ice cream...
I'm not sure why I think about R sometimes just out of the blue. Mostly at school I think about Sam and Craig (mostly Sam) and how to avoid Matt but still attract his attention. School is pretty fun cuz in 4 out of 6 classes, I find some guy in there attractive, which makes the period more interesting.
Anyway, I never dreamed that I would have more guy friends than I do girls. I'm trying to be outgoing and stuff but I know a lot of people think I'm a snob. Sometimes I TRY to act like a snob just for the hell of it. (YES, I just SWORE!) Did I mention my drama teacher is finally back?
R. just called me back. We talked for about a half hour. He seemed, like, really surprised by how I a really am. That kinda sucks. I guess Charles is portraying me to R. as some sweet, innocent kid. I'm not! I like guys and parties and all that stuff!
Well, I guess deep down inside I am still pretty innocent. But R. got my fake me: partier, guys... (at least I hope that me is fake). Actually, that me is pretty fake, considering I haven't really kissed anyone yet and I haven't really been to a party that didn't involve some kind of cake and ice cream...
I'm not sure why I think about R sometimes just out of the blue. Mostly at school I think about Sam and Craig (mostly Sam) and how to avoid Matt but still attract his attention. School is pretty fun cuz in 4 out of 6 classes, I find some guy in there attractive, which makes the period more interesting.
Anyway, I never dreamed that I would have more guy friends than I do girls. I'm trying to be outgoing and stuff but I know a lot of people think I'm a snob. Sometimes I TRY to act like a snob just for the hell of it. (YES, I just SWORE!) Did I mention my drama teacher is finally back?
THE FIVE ANGST POETRY FINALISTS!
To vote, click the radio button beside the title of your favorite poem in the upper left corner.
WOW!
Thanks to everyone who submitted poetry to the adolescent angst poetry contest.
Keep in mind... the top five poems are not listed in any particular order, nor were they chosen for adding value to the genre.
No, the top five are thus simply because they typify adolescent ANGST at its finest (or worst, you could say). The poems are as varied as their authors... Some are clever, others put the fine point on misery...
Enjoy, and don't forget to vote for your favorite!
DUMPED
The pain you
caused me
bludgeoned
a wound
deep
in my soul,
piercing
deeper still,
permanently
scarring me.
Your blade
sliced me
from the
inside out.
With
blood-stained
pride and
emotion
sliced away,
I collapse.
My heart
drips
from the
blade.
Wiping it
clean,
you choose
another.
YOU
I sit and stare
at your curly Kirk Cameron hair...
In biology class everyday
take my jelly bracelet hand and like, promise to stay
forever in my heart
nothing will tear us apart
I wake up from this totally rad dream
In real-life you are so majorly mean
Stop pushing me in the hall
always trying to make me fall
With your stupid Reebok high-top shoes
you always win, i like, always lose
Take me for a ride in your Camaro
Cupid has struck me with his neon arrow.
ONLY A KISS
Only a kiss, where did it lead?
What was an addiction,
now just a need.
Whispered a wish under the stars.
What was a wound...now only scars.
My love I bled to you in vain,
without you.... I will never be the same.
If later in life we do meet,
perhaps I'll lay my broken heart at your feet.'
COMMUNICATION
I don’t know what to say
Scenarios run through my mind
I have my old stand-bys for starting conversation:
Osama bin Laden
Existentialist thought
How the designated hitter rule is ruining baseball
But when it comes to you, I freeze.
Symptoms Include:
Swapping awkward pleasantries about the weather
and homework.
Stammering to such a degree it makes George W.
look articulate.
Shuffling feet unit it feels like you might erode the
ground beneath you.
Staring at the ground until you become well-versed in
the play of light and shadow of the wad of chewed-up gum
on the sidewalk before you.
Wishing to say the things that the heart feels but have it come out as,
“So what kind of music do you like?”
Having my heart break a little as
Flirty girls corner you
Hanging on your every word
Laughing at the appropriate intervals
At times hating the
Hair flips
Vapid words
Made-up faces courtesy of Revlon
Envy develops as a side effect
wondering how one person can render me so utterly and
completely powerless.
Treatment:
Possible options
Transference of academic residence
Growth and implantation of a backbone
Selective amnesia about all feelings and memories for a
Particular person
Prognosis:
Terminal case of a severe high school crush
A FAILED VACATION
I could have traversed deserts,
And conquered my wayward self.
But gold's hand held me back home,
And I put such dreams on a shelf.
A closer bond I could have forged,
But I chose to let it pass away
Because there was an Imperial "No,"
Which ordered me to stay.
A sharp piercing pain I felt in my chest,
For my heart was returning to its cavity,
The organ was choking on it past dreams
And was blinded by my mind's depravity
We are held back by what is "ours,"
When we mark with an apostrophe.
It ties us to one place and time,
The greatest human catastrophe.
WOW!
Thanks to everyone who submitted poetry to the adolescent angst poetry contest.
Keep in mind... the top five poems are not listed in any particular order, nor were they chosen for adding value to the genre.
No, the top five are thus simply because they typify adolescent ANGST at its finest (or worst, you could say). The poems are as varied as their authors... Some are clever, others put the fine point on misery...
Enjoy, and don't forget to vote for your favorite!
DUMPED
The pain you
caused me
bludgeoned
a wound
deep
in my soul,
piercing
deeper still,
permanently
scarring me.
Your blade
sliced me
from the
inside out.
With
blood-stained
pride and
emotion
sliced away,
I collapse.
My heart
drips
from the
blade.
Wiping it
clean,
you choose
another.
YOU
I sit and stare
at your curly Kirk Cameron hair...
In biology class everyday
take my jelly bracelet hand and like, promise to stay
forever in my heart
nothing will tear us apart
I wake up from this totally rad dream
In real-life you are so majorly mean
Stop pushing me in the hall
always trying to make me fall
With your stupid Reebok high-top shoes
you always win, i like, always lose
Take me for a ride in your Camaro
Cupid has struck me with his neon arrow.
ONLY A KISS
Only a kiss, where did it lead?
What was an addiction,
now just a need.
Whispered a wish under the stars.
What was a wound...now only scars.
My love I bled to you in vain,
without you.... I will never be the same.
If later in life we do meet,
perhaps I'll lay my broken heart at your feet.'
COMMUNICATION
I don’t know what to say
Scenarios run through my mind
I have my old stand-bys for starting conversation:
Osama bin Laden
Existentialist thought
How the designated hitter rule is ruining baseball
But when it comes to you, I freeze.
Symptoms Include:
Swapping awkward pleasantries about the weather
and homework.
Stammering to such a degree it makes George W.
look articulate.
Shuffling feet unit it feels like you might erode the
ground beneath you.
Staring at the ground until you become well-versed in
the play of light and shadow of the wad of chewed-up gum
on the sidewalk before you.
Wishing to say the things that the heart feels but have it come out as,
“So what kind of music do you like?”
Having my heart break a little as
Flirty girls corner you
Hanging on your every word
Laughing at the appropriate intervals
At times hating the
Hair flips
Vapid words
Made-up faces courtesy of Revlon
Envy develops as a side effect
wondering how one person can render me so utterly and
completely powerless.
Treatment:
Possible options
Transference of academic residence
Growth and implantation of a backbone
Selective amnesia about all feelings and memories for a
Particular person
Prognosis:
Terminal case of a severe high school crush
A FAILED VACATION
I could have traversed deserts,
And conquered my wayward self.
But gold's hand held me back home,
And I put such dreams on a shelf.
A closer bond I could have forged,
But I chose to let it pass away
Because there was an Imperial "No,"
Which ordered me to stay.
A sharp piercing pain I felt in my chest,
For my heart was returning to its cavity,
The organ was choking on it past dreams
And was blinded by my mind's depravity
We are held back by what is "ours,"
When we mark with an apostrophe.
It ties us to one place and time,
The greatest human catastrophe.
Cruizin, dancin, tacky-ness, and polygamy (in that order) 03.16.89
I wuz just sitting down to write in here and guess what? R. called me! Cutie, sweetie, my lover (hardy har har) R.P. - Whoah!
Well, anyway, I never wrote about this weekend, cuz I wuz cathing up on last weekend. THIS weekend me and Charles and Ben goofed around. They were supposed to take me home but instead we went cruizin downtown. I had a BLAST.
On Saturday, I went to a choir contest and saw a bunch of people from NTHS. It was so cool cuz they totally begged me to come back!
And then I found out that M. and K. like me! Remember how I said I hoped somebody likes me and I just don't know about it? And Corey, too. Dreams do come true.
Of course, I don't like them, or hadn't considered it until now. How come when I like a guy he doesn't know I exist and when some guy finally likes me, I don't really like him except that I like that he likes me?
I can't wait until I'm married and I don't have to think about it anymore. I guess that is what happens. You finally like the same person who likes you and that's it. Before you know it you're married and you have ten kids.
Then, I went to a regional church dance in some cow town. It was sooooooo fun. on the way home, I rode in back with J. and R. They both fell asleep, one on each shoulder.
And J. is this gorgeous, George Michael type guy who was hinting at homecoming. Cool! Not that I can go to homecoming unless we have a chaperone. I'm not going to date until I'm 16. Dad said he might make an exception for prom and homecoming but Mom sez no way.
I think it would be fun to go in a group. Mom sez a group date is still a date and still "out of the question." This is her favorite phrase. Can you see me rolling my eyes right now? But, if we don't go this year, Ben and Charles and me are going to throw a party instead. Which will be mass fun. And their Mom will make bean dip, and I'll bring my stereo with my records, and it will be awesome!
And R. and me got married, too. He proposed on the way home. I said yes. He gave me his Batman ring. We're going to make it official in Portland at the 24 Hour Church of Elvis. Of course, I'm still going to marry Charles. And maybe R.P. I'm such a polygamist!
Dad wuz all uptight when I got home cuz I caught a ride home with the guys and I got a ride to the dance with K. and her dad. He said it wuz tacky and bad manners to not come home with K. and her dad. And he yelled at me cuz I embarassed him. OH WELL! Dad embarrasses me all the time. That's what families are for.
Then Sunday, I went to M.'s. She told me that R.P. came over Friday night looking for me. How cool! Then we went to a youth fireside for church and I got really hyper on punch and Ben gave me a ride home. Me and Charles were together all night (again).
Well, anyway, I never wrote about this weekend, cuz I wuz cathing up on last weekend. THIS weekend me and Charles and Ben goofed around. They were supposed to take me home but instead we went cruizin downtown. I had a BLAST.
On Saturday, I went to a choir contest and saw a bunch of people from NTHS. It was so cool cuz they totally begged me to come back!
And then I found out that M. and K. like me! Remember how I said I hoped somebody likes me and I just don't know about it? And Corey, too. Dreams do come true.
Of course, I don't like them, or hadn't considered it until now. How come when I like a guy he doesn't know I exist and when some guy finally likes me, I don't really like him except that I like that he likes me?
I can't wait until I'm married and I don't have to think about it anymore. I guess that is what happens. You finally like the same person who likes you and that's it. Before you know it you're married and you have ten kids.
Then, I went to a regional church dance in some cow town. It was sooooooo fun. on the way home, I rode in back with J. and R. They both fell asleep, one on each shoulder.
And J. is this gorgeous, George Michael type guy who was hinting at homecoming. Cool! Not that I can go to homecoming unless we have a chaperone. I'm not going to date until I'm 16. Dad said he might make an exception for prom and homecoming but Mom sez no way.
I think it would be fun to go in a group. Mom sez a group date is still a date and still "out of the question." This is her favorite phrase. Can you see me rolling my eyes right now? But, if we don't go this year, Ben and Charles and me are going to throw a party instead. Which will be mass fun. And their Mom will make bean dip, and I'll bring my stereo with my records, and it will be awesome!
And R. and me got married, too. He proposed on the way home. I said yes. He gave me his Batman ring. We're going to make it official in Portland at the 24 Hour Church of Elvis. Of course, I'm still going to marry Charles. And maybe R.P. I'm such a polygamist!
Dad wuz all uptight when I got home cuz I caught a ride home with the guys and I got a ride to the dance with K. and her dad. He said it wuz tacky and bad manners to not come home with K. and her dad. And he yelled at me cuz I embarassed him. OH WELL! Dad embarrasses me all the time. That's what families are for.
Then Sunday, I went to M.'s. She told me that R.P. came over Friday night looking for me. How cool! Then we went to a youth fireside for church and I got really hyper on punch and Ben gave me a ride home. Me and Charles were together all night (again).
no (hopes of) physical contact, and i feel fine 03.14.89
I haven't written in sooooooooooo long and SO much has happened!
Last weekend was pretty AWESOME! I went to M.'s early birthday party at Pizza Place. Everybody was sooooooo obnoxious! It wuz great.
I sat by Charles. We've DEFINITELY decided to be psychologists and get married and have lots of kids. A temple marriage, of course, after we go on missions. And we're gonna compose together too. We are so much alike, it's funny!
That was Friday afternoon. Friday evening I babysat for Eve and Nicholas, who are Charles and Ben's little sister and brother. They were such good kids! We chased each other around the house and they ate my dinner even though I dried it out and burnt it. They didn't eat very much, though.
And when Charles and Ben got back, their parents took Ben out to dinner but Charles stayed. Eve and Nicholas were in bed.
I know you won't believe this, but me and Charles studied the scriptures and watched Family Home Evening movies! Never before have I spent that much time with a guy and felt so good about it without any physical contact!
I WUZN'T sitting there the whole time wishing Charles would hold my hand, or play with my hair maybe just sort of walk by and sort of accidentally kiss my collar bones. Nothing!
Charles is very special to me. I cannot and will not see my future without him as a very close friend. And someday maybe more. But for right now, I get sprung over lots of different guys and have a blast, but somewhere inside I am reserved for Charles. Pretty WEIRD.
Anyway, after Ben and his parents came home, they all went to bed and we just hung out. Arm wrestling, talking, throwing those little jelly bean robbins eggs at each other. It's weird to feel only friendship for Ben, but I really do. Every girl at church went through the Ben stage. I guess mine just lasted longer than usual.
Last weekend was pretty AWESOME! I went to M.'s early birthday party at Pizza Place. Everybody was sooooooo obnoxious! It wuz great.
I sat by Charles. We've DEFINITELY decided to be psychologists and get married and have lots of kids. A temple marriage, of course, after we go on missions. And we're gonna compose together too. We are so much alike, it's funny!
That was Friday afternoon. Friday evening I babysat for Eve and Nicholas, who are Charles and Ben's little sister and brother. They were such good kids! We chased each other around the house and they ate my dinner even though I dried it out and burnt it. They didn't eat very much, though.
And when Charles and Ben got back, their parents took Ben out to dinner but Charles stayed. Eve and Nicholas were in bed.
I know you won't believe this, but me and Charles studied the scriptures and watched Family Home Evening movies! Never before have I spent that much time with a guy and felt so good about it without any physical contact!
I WUZN'T sitting there the whole time wishing Charles would hold my hand, or play with my hair maybe just sort of walk by and sort of accidentally kiss my collar bones. Nothing!
Charles is very special to me. I cannot and will not see my future without him as a very close friend. And someday maybe more. But for right now, I get sprung over lots of different guys and have a blast, but somewhere inside I am reserved for Charles. Pretty WEIRD.
Anyway, after Ben and his parents came home, they all went to bed and we just hung out. Arm wrestling, talking, throwing those little jelly bean robbins eggs at each other. It's weird to feel only friendship for Ben, but I really do. Every girl at church went through the Ben stage. I guess mine just lasted longer than usual.
i was only dreaming, i was only trying to catch your eye, i was only... 03.05.89
I guess what I really want to write down is the dream I had last night. I just have to get up the nerve. But since I've decided not to show this diary to anyone, I'll write it down.
I dreamed I was at a church dance, but they'd changed the rules so amorous embraces were allowed. (You know how everything is just how you want it in dreams?)
Anyways, I was out in a circle on the dance floor with all my friends. We were laughing and dancing like crazy. (I was coordinated. That should've been my first clue that it was a DREAM).
We all got tired and most of them went to get a drink from the water fountain but I just went to the sidelines to cool off.
It was really dark and I didn't realize I had sat down next to Ben. We started talking about school and the dance and all this stuff. And then this slow song came on and we stopped talking. I just looked at the cut glass ball and smiled, thinking about the light and how pretty everything was.
And THEN I thought Ben stood up to leave but I saw his hand reached out to me and we just started dancing, really close. And I was happier than I had ever been. In my dream, I was really thin and pretty and I had a perfect personality.
And the song didn't end and everyone else just faded away. That was joy. The joy I have never known.
I guess I'm still in like with Ben. Too bad all the guys like Anna or Phoebe. I just wish sometimes that I had a totally different life or that I could be a different person. A thin, pretty one that guys liked.
Oh well. I guess I'll just keep hoping that some guy likes me and I just don't know about it.
{A note from 2009: If I'd had ANY idea I would do this to myself 20 years later, I wouldn't have written a single word as a teenager. I almost feel sorry for her. Er. Ahem. Um. Anyway, Ben and Ben's wife (who actually happens to be beautiful and thin and she has a perfect personality) PLEASE don't kill me for posting this entry...}
I dreamed I was at a church dance, but they'd changed the rules so amorous embraces were allowed. (You know how everything is just how you want it in dreams?)
Anyways, I was out in a circle on the dance floor with all my friends. We were laughing and dancing like crazy. (I was coordinated. That should've been my first clue that it was a DREAM).
We all got tired and most of them went to get a drink from the water fountain but I just went to the sidelines to cool off.
It was really dark and I didn't realize I had sat down next to Ben. We started talking about school and the dance and all this stuff. And then this slow song came on and we stopped talking. I just looked at the cut glass ball and smiled, thinking about the light and how pretty everything was.
And THEN I thought Ben stood up to leave but I saw his hand reached out to me and we just started dancing, really close. And I was happier than I had ever been. In my dream, I was really thin and pretty and I had a perfect personality.
And the song didn't end and everyone else just faded away. That was joy. The joy I have never known.
I guess I'm still in like with Ben. Too bad all the guys like Anna or Phoebe. I just wish sometimes that I had a totally different life or that I could be a different person. A thin, pretty one that guys liked.
Oh well. I guess I'll just keep hoping that some guy likes me and I just don't know about it.
{A note from 2009: If I'd had ANY idea I would do this to myself 20 years later, I wouldn't have written a single word as a teenager. I almost feel sorry for her. Er. Ahem. Um. Anyway, Ben and Ben's wife (who actually happens to be beautiful and thin and she has a perfect personality) PLEASE don't kill me for posting this entry...}
of course, LIFE IS OVER because ski (boys) school is... 03.04.89
My last week of ski school! whoah! I'm really DEPRESSED! These have been the best eight Saturdays of my life!
I love skiing! Not only is it the greatest sport in the world, it's a great way to meet people. And by people I mean gorgeous guys! (of course)
Mom and me had a fight this morning (of course). It's part of our daily routine. So I was in a pissy mood. When I talked to Mac and Liam later, they said when I got out of the car I was all snobbed out - and (of course) I apologized. How nice of me. Okay. Anyway.
Mac Haroldsen and confusing mean virtually the same thing! I don't understand him; I never will! I got on the ski bus this morning and right away we played our little eye contact games, only he was in an obscene mood.
I tried not to think about Ben calling him a perverted moron, but I couldn't help it, a little. Who cares though? He is so FINE. Besides, it was funny. I was mass hyper. What can I say? We always have fun.
Then, Mac and Liam invited me to ski with them. So me and Mac rode the chair lifts together all day. On the doubles where it was just me and him, he would be real sweet and sometimes he would lay down in my lap and play with my hair.
He started singing the gross song about grandmas setting each other on fire and he made them homosexual grandmas so I broke in and changed it around so that the two grandmas were eating pop-tarts (ski bus essentials) and drinking tea by the fire. Stupid, yes. But it cracked Mac up.
I'm really paranoid about chair lifts. I HATE getting on and off. So everytime, we got on he'd try to push me out of the way so I'd be scared and grab at him. And then when we'd get off he'd try to run me over so I'd be mad but cracking up at the same time.
He said he loves making me mad at him. Guys are so weird.
When we rode with Liam and Sean on the quads, we'd sit beside each other in the middle and bump back and forth to cheeze Liam off. fun, cuz Liam's not uptight, he just acts like he is to cheeze Mac off. And they're best friends. HILARIOUS!
Me and Liam went inside the lodge after about three hours of skiing cuz the weather wuz really bad. When Mac finaally came back, I wuz dressed in my street clothes and I did my hair and make-up and everything! So, of course, Mac walks in and starts tickling me and totally gives me a noogie! He hugs me a lot, in weird ways.
So, there goes my hair.
We get down to wait for the ski bus and I'm just a little hacked off about my hair. So I run up behind Mac and tackle him into a snow bank. I whitewash his face with snow but he gets me back: BAD.
By the time he's done, my make-up is running small various rivers of color down my face. To be plain, I liked like total CRAP. So I follow after him, climbing farther up the snow bank.
He takes one look at my messed up face and goes: Truce?
I stare down a block of snow at my feet that would make one AWESOME snowball. But I go: Yeah.
So I start to walk off to find Liam so he'll beat up on Mac for getting me all soaked and gross. Anyway, all of a sudden this hard, huge snowball hits me smack dab on the thigh and I couldn't help it, I totally jumped and yelped! It didn't hurt so much as totally surprised me. I give Mac my best stink eye, and he just grins a (can I say this?) horny grin.
A little later, I'm innocently talking to Liam and Mac comes running up and tackles me into the snow. I holler a lot, but I love it and Mac knows it. He's so tan and muscular and blond with these bright blue eyes. But by this time I'm really cold so he gives me his coat. And we all head back to the buses.
We're all sitting on the bus, downing junk food, and I'm yelling at Mac because I'm such a mess and he just grins at me and asks me if I'm gonna sit with him. I don't say anything and go back to trying to fix my hair. Cuz he talked today about some girl he likes and so I'm a little confused because he was totally flirting with me all day.
Anyway, he asks me two more times before I finally go back there. So then he asks me to rub lotion into his legs. I tell him no, but then I do but only to the knee, even though he tells me to go higher.
There goes my memory of Ben in my head (completely unwelcome right now, thank you very much) and imaginary Ben is saying, "Perverted moron, perverted moron."
So I just make it quick and I don't look at Mac at all because I know he's watching me for who knows what reason. Then he wants a foot massage. I tell him he's spoiled. He just grins. And Ben pops into my head, "Perverted moron, perverted moron." But Mac has really nice legs! And let's just say I'm blessed with good hands.
But I'm hyper this whole time cuz I don't want Mac and Liam to think I'm a strumpet. And my jeans are soaking wet and I'm getting cold. I'm the only girl on the whole back of the bus. So, I steal Mac's comforter that we're using and go to a different seat to change.
I get real embarrassed cuz these guys are watching me and my black Levis are really wet and pegged so they won't come off. So Liam offers to help. It's my turn to just grin. I keep myself covered with the comforter the whole time but Mac keeps catcalling and so I hurry, but it's difficult because I'm laughing and trying to get clothes on and hold a comforter all at the same time, and I'm not that coordinated to begin with!
So back in the back me and Mac and Liam spazz out but eventually we start to get quiet, and then out of the blue, Mac pulls me down so my head is resting on his chest and he's running his hand down my arm and suddenly it's very comfortable and I start to fall asleep. So now my legs are in Liam's lap and he's playing with my feet.
I felt really weird because I haven't even had my first kiss yet and here I am practically sleeping on this guy that I think is so gorgeous and so I tried to talk to make it more normal and like we're just friends but Mac just smiles and that's it.
So, now's the confusing part. He likes some girl. So what was all that about? Maybe guys like Mac just flirt with whoever is around. Who knows? Oh well! We go to different high schools so it's not like I have to worry about it. Gotta go!
I love skiing! Not only is it the greatest sport in the world, it's a great way to meet people. And by people I mean gorgeous guys! (of course)
Mom and me had a fight this morning (of course). It's part of our daily routine. So I was in a pissy mood. When I talked to Mac and Liam later, they said when I got out of the car I was all snobbed out - and (of course) I apologized. How nice of me. Okay. Anyway.
Mac Haroldsen and confusing mean virtually the same thing! I don't understand him; I never will! I got on the ski bus this morning and right away we played our little eye contact games, only he was in an obscene mood.
I tried not to think about Ben calling him a perverted moron, but I couldn't help it, a little. Who cares though? He is so FINE. Besides, it was funny. I was mass hyper. What can I say? We always have fun.
Then, Mac and Liam invited me to ski with them. So me and Mac rode the chair lifts together all day. On the doubles where it was just me and him, he would be real sweet and sometimes he would lay down in my lap and play with my hair.
He started singing the gross song about grandmas setting each other on fire and he made them homosexual grandmas so I broke in and changed it around so that the two grandmas were eating pop-tarts (ski bus essentials) and drinking tea by the fire. Stupid, yes. But it cracked Mac up.
I'm really paranoid about chair lifts. I HATE getting on and off. So everytime, we got on he'd try to push me out of the way so I'd be scared and grab at him. And then when we'd get off he'd try to run me over so I'd be mad but cracking up at the same time.
He said he loves making me mad at him. Guys are so weird.
When we rode with Liam and Sean on the quads, we'd sit beside each other in the middle and bump back and forth to cheeze Liam off. fun, cuz Liam's not uptight, he just acts like he is to cheeze Mac off. And they're best friends. HILARIOUS!
Me and Liam went inside the lodge after about three hours of skiing cuz the weather wuz really bad. When Mac finaally came back, I wuz dressed in my street clothes and I did my hair and make-up and everything! So, of course, Mac walks in and starts tickling me and totally gives me a noogie! He hugs me a lot, in weird ways.
So, there goes my hair.
We get down to wait for the ski bus and I'm just a little hacked off about my hair. So I run up behind Mac and tackle him into a snow bank. I whitewash his face with snow but he gets me back: BAD.
By the time he's done, my make-up is running small various rivers of color down my face. To be plain, I liked like total CRAP. So I follow after him, climbing farther up the snow bank.
He takes one look at my messed up face and goes: Truce?
I stare down a block of snow at my feet that would make one AWESOME snowball. But I go: Yeah.
So I start to walk off to find Liam so he'll beat up on Mac for getting me all soaked and gross. Anyway, all of a sudden this hard, huge snowball hits me smack dab on the thigh and I couldn't help it, I totally jumped and yelped! It didn't hurt so much as totally surprised me. I give Mac my best stink eye, and he just grins a (can I say this?) horny grin.
A little later, I'm innocently talking to Liam and Mac comes running up and tackles me into the snow. I holler a lot, but I love it and Mac knows it. He's so tan and muscular and blond with these bright blue eyes. But by this time I'm really cold so he gives me his coat. And we all head back to the buses.
We're all sitting on the bus, downing junk food, and I'm yelling at Mac because I'm such a mess and he just grins at me and asks me if I'm gonna sit with him. I don't say anything and go back to trying to fix my hair. Cuz he talked today about some girl he likes and so I'm a little confused because he was totally flirting with me all day.
Anyway, he asks me two more times before I finally go back there. So then he asks me to rub lotion into his legs. I tell him no, but then I do but only to the knee, even though he tells me to go higher.
There goes my memory of Ben in my head (completely unwelcome right now, thank you very much) and imaginary Ben is saying, "Perverted moron, perverted moron."
So I just make it quick and I don't look at Mac at all because I know he's watching me for who knows what reason. Then he wants a foot massage. I tell him he's spoiled. He just grins. And Ben pops into my head, "Perverted moron, perverted moron." But Mac has really nice legs! And let's just say I'm blessed with good hands.
But I'm hyper this whole time cuz I don't want Mac and Liam to think I'm a strumpet. And my jeans are soaking wet and I'm getting cold. I'm the only girl on the whole back of the bus. So, I steal Mac's comforter that we're using and go to a different seat to change.
I get real embarrassed cuz these guys are watching me and my black Levis are really wet and pegged so they won't come off. So Liam offers to help. It's my turn to just grin. I keep myself covered with the comforter the whole time but Mac keeps catcalling and so I hurry, but it's difficult because I'm laughing and trying to get clothes on and hold a comforter all at the same time, and I'm not that coordinated to begin with!
So back in the back me and Mac and Liam spazz out but eventually we start to get quiet, and then out of the blue, Mac pulls me down so my head is resting on his chest and he's running his hand down my arm and suddenly it's very comfortable and I start to fall asleep. So now my legs are in Liam's lap and he's playing with my feet.
I felt really weird because I haven't even had my first kiss yet and here I am practically sleeping on this guy that I think is so gorgeous and so I tried to talk to make it more normal and like we're just friends but Mac just smiles and that's it.
So, now's the confusing part. He likes some girl. So what was all that about? Maybe guys like Mac just flirt with whoever is around. Who knows? Oh well! We go to different high schools so it's not like I have to worry about it. Gotta go!
all sparkle, no shine , oh well 03.03.89
I just got home from a night IN with Charles and Ben, because, well, we don't drive yet. But, anyway, we were freezing our tushies off, standing out on their gigantic cliff of a driveway.
They were letting me have it about being a traitor and going to the Slimer school and also about the boys I like in ski school because Ben thinks Mac is an idiotic, perverted moron. I don't care. It's not like I want to marry him! I just think it would be fun to have a ncmo with him! Like Ben hasn't had ncmos with really brainless girls?! But Ben thinks I shouldn't chance it because of the pervert/moron factor.
So then we walked in the house because we were cold. We were going to watch TV, but Charles and Ben's mom and dad were making out on the couch!!
I know this sounds dumb, but it was really cool. They were just like, all going, "Oh, hi, kids, how're you?" and Ben and Charles were just like, "Oh, yeah, that's just mom and dad." Like it was no big deal.
I TOTALLY want to make out with my husband after we're super old and have a bunch of kids running around and driving us nuts. My parents barely even look at each other.
Charles told me tonight that I act different. I guess that's because I don't know who I am anymore. I didn't want to be the chubby, brainy, forgettable girl anymore.
Mom said I was a "late bloomer." I didn't really start to notice guys until the 8th grade. And even then, it felt like I had to notice guys or I was weird. Then I pretended like all I do is think about guys and guess what? I've started to only think about guys. It is so dumb!
And most of all, I'm ALWAYS happy. I hide every emotion I feel behind this happiness until I don't know what exists and what doesnt. If I like a guy and I feel he doesn't like me - he'll never know.
I'm just so fake. I have lost the person I really am and I have become the shallow but happy and flirtatious person I always thought I wanted to be.
It's a very lonely feeling. If you don't know yourself, who do you know? If you don't trust who you are, how can you trust anyone else?
That's what's wrong with me. All sparkle, no shine.
Oh well. I'm going skiing tomorrow! Maybe Mac will MAC on me. Hee hee.
They were letting me have it about being a traitor and going to the Slimer school and also about the boys I like in ski school because Ben thinks Mac is an idiotic, perverted moron. I don't care. It's not like I want to marry him! I just think it would be fun to have a ncmo with him! Like Ben hasn't had ncmos with really brainless girls?! But Ben thinks I shouldn't chance it because of the pervert/moron factor.
So then we walked in the house because we were cold. We were going to watch TV, but Charles and Ben's mom and dad were making out on the couch!!
I know this sounds dumb, but it was really cool. They were just like, all going, "Oh, hi, kids, how're you?" and Ben and Charles were just like, "Oh, yeah, that's just mom and dad." Like it was no big deal.
I TOTALLY want to make out with my husband after we're super old and have a bunch of kids running around and driving us nuts. My parents barely even look at each other.
Charles told me tonight that I act different. I guess that's because I don't know who I am anymore. I didn't want to be the chubby, brainy, forgettable girl anymore.
Mom said I was a "late bloomer." I didn't really start to notice guys until the 8th grade. And even then, it felt like I had to notice guys or I was weird. Then I pretended like all I do is think about guys and guess what? I've started to only think about guys. It is so dumb!
And most of all, I'm ALWAYS happy. I hide every emotion I feel behind this happiness until I don't know what exists and what doesnt. If I like a guy and I feel he doesn't like me - he'll never know.
I'm just so fake. I have lost the person I really am and I have become the shallow but happy and flirtatious person I always thought I wanted to be.
It's a very lonely feeling. If you don't know yourself, who do you know? If you don't trust who you are, how can you trust anyone else?
That's what's wrong with me. All sparkle, no shine.
Oh well. I'm going skiing tomorrow! Maybe Mac will MAC on me. Hee hee.
some musings about ben, 20 years later...
One of my dear friends from back in the day (yes, the 80s) emailed me yesterday after reading this blog. She asked, "What WAS the DEAL with 'Ben'? I mean, he's a great guy, but why did every girl we knew like him?"
My friends, I was not the only one with ILWB disease. It was extraordinarily contagious. Ben would laugh if he read this, because he is not at all egotistical. Maybe that is/was part of his charm.
The brothers of Greenlawn street shared some things that made the girls completely, loyally, totally, mass, devotedly in love (for more than a week at a time, which is saying something).
So, listen up all you teenage boys who read this blog! (That demographic came to a grand total of 1 at the last count: my nephew). If you want the ladies to swoon, take a few notes from the Brothers Greenlawn:
*confident but not arrogant
*sweet but not insipid
*hilarious but not pompous
*sarcastic without being cruel
*good looking without being overly annoying about it
*smart but not geeky
*righteous without being self-righteous
*kind without being fake
Ultimately, tho, after giving this more thought, I would have to say that Charles and Ben were remarkable because they were, both of them, pretty sure of themselves and mostly happy. And that is incredibly unusual for ANYONE between the ages of, say, 12 and 18 (or 81?).
My friends, I was not the only one with ILWB disease. It was extraordinarily contagious. Ben would laugh if he read this, because he is not at all egotistical. Maybe that is/was part of his charm.
The brothers of Greenlawn street shared some things that made the girls completely, loyally, totally, mass, devotedly in love (for more than a week at a time, which is saying something).
So, listen up all you teenage boys who read this blog! (That demographic came to a grand total of 1 at the last count: my nephew). If you want the ladies to swoon, take a few notes from the Brothers Greenlawn:
*confident but not arrogant
*sweet but not insipid
*hilarious but not pompous
*sarcastic without being cruel
*good looking without being overly annoying about it
*smart but not geeky
*righteous without being self-righteous
*kind without being fake
Ultimately, tho, after giving this more thought, I would have to say that Charles and Ben were remarkable because they were, both of them, pretty sure of themselves and mostly happy. And that is incredibly unusual for ANYONE between the ages of, say, 12 and 18 (or 81?).
ILWB syndrome strikes again *sigh* 03.01.89
Somehow, tonight's YM/YW activity migrated to Charles and Ben's house. So, Phoebe and me and Charles and Ben all chilled together.
Phoebe's hair was especially voluminous tonight. Even bigger and curlier than usual. *sigh* AND she is so confident and flirty. **double sigh**
She doesn't use Aquanet. She uses Sebastian. I got my hair done at the salon she goes to and they use it there. It smells really good, but it's really expensive. My Aquanet costs only .89 per can!
So, tonight Ben mostly talked to Phoebe. Charles and I talked more about our plans together. I was making an effort toward my goal of being quieter and sweeter and more of a listener.
So, then Ben and Charles were mimicking Dana Carvey as The Church Lady on Saturday Night Live and then they jumped like fishes or something. It wuz so funny!
I tried to be refined, but then Ben said to me, "Just let yourself laugh. You look funny when you try not to." It wuz a wierd combo insult/compliment. It was an insulment. I just made that up! HAH.
Then, Phoebe had to go home. Too bad! (Hee hee. I love having Ben and Charles to myself... Isn't that awful?) But my parents don't care how long I stay out if I'm with Ben and Charles. HAH. So, Ben and Charles ratted my hair until it was HUGE. Take THAT, Phoebe!
The Brothers of Greenlawn Street (and the Super Cool Little Sis)
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