Last night, me and Charles went to Rob's house and soooooooooooo much happened!
We (Rob and me) haven't seen each other for a long time, like four weeks or something. Ever since we met, me and Rob have been really close. It was like, an automatic reaction.
He has these light blue eyes and curly brown hair that hangs in his face and he's just really sweet to me and sincere and affectionate.
So, when we saw each other after that long, we couldn't really be separated. I talked to him about his girlfriend and I listened a lot.
M. was on the pone with Charles and she wuz telling him that me and Rob were going out, just to sike him. Which really ticked me off pretty bad cuz I don't want anyone messing with Charles.
Well, I thought Rob wuz just being a goof when he put is arms around me and held me a lot and kissed my hand and stuff. I thought he was being cute, cuz Charles says Rob is a player.
All night we talked and he showed me how to skateboard. I have the bruises to prove it!
All this tim, M. was asking Charles all these squestions about whether he liked me or not an dhe admitted that he LOVED me. Well, Rob is his best friend.
By this time - well let's just say I'm crazy about Rob - even if my age range for dating a guy goes from 17 - 25, and he's 13. Geez! I can't believe this. And he SKIIS. Yay!
Well, from here it gets confusing. Rob is telling me about this girl he likes a lot, and I'm trying to guess who it is so I can help him date her. Then he starts talking to Charles about something they won't let me hear, and it turns out that Rob genuinely likes me as much as Charles, who claims he loves me.
Rob tells Charles to find someone else because what we have is going to last forever. But, uh, what about his girlfriend? And, I'm so crazy about Rob that it's sick but I'm so close to Charles that everything turned upside down cuz Charles keeps saying that he loves me but I think he's always just loved me as a sister.
And when I see Matt at school, I still think he is so cute, but he's Emily's, and I'm supposed to go out with Matt's best friend. What is it with best friends liking the same people? It's stupid. And, I heart Rob! Whoah!
When everyone finally go off the phone we played strip poker, Mormon style, and I lost. Strip poker Mormon style is earrings, socks, shoes, sweaters, stuff like that. So, it's not like I did anything naughty.
But, I had so much fun last night and it is so confusing. When we got back to M.'s house, Charles called and spilled his guts to me about how he loves me. I told him we should wait on it because what we have is SO special.
I really do love Rob. Now I know what they mean by "crazy in love!"
love and medication ...04.17.1989
It's tough right now being M.'s friend because she's off her meds. I hope this changes soon. Sometimes we have a hard time relating except we're so much alike that we almost know each other's thoughts.Let's get on with what's really bothering me.
Last night I spent the night at M's. She's in love MASS with Ben. Isn't that hilarious?
I'm really glad I'm finally over him. I know I've said that before, but it's true. Anyway, she wanted me to call Ben and ask him to take her cruzing. Well, I wanted to see R. really bad cuz we haven't hung out since before Christmas. He's been calling me and he wuz going to come over to M.'s house, which would be great becuz her Mom leaves us alone and mine are nosy.
But, I try to be a good friend, so I called Ben and he said sure. Ben took us cruzing downtown and made fun of the guys sitting on their neon lowrider trucks with their long permed hair. Ben thinks that style is dorky. So does Juan.
I sat behind Ben in the back seat but, like, kitty corner. So I could see him and M. couldn't and so M. was mad. Juan sat in the front seat because he refused to sit by M. and because he called shotgun before anyone else. Which was not very gentlemanly, but who gives? So, after a while, M. asked if we could stop cuz she wanted to get something to eat at the mini mart. She bought Ho Hos.
After M. bought the Ho Hos I still didn't move over. I think that wuz supposed to be my cue to change seats, but it wuz really fun hanging out with Ben again and he makes me laugh til stuff squirts out my nose. I promise I don't like him anymore, though!
So, M. was still sitting right behind Ben who was teasing me but not really paying attention to her, but then he busted on her. He's like that, he just jokes around a lot.
So, M. reached around his head and smashed the Ho Hos into his face and he couldn't see the road. He had Ho Ho in his hair and hanging from his eyelashes and all up his nostrils while M. laughed like a total loon.
Man, he was P.O.ed! I've actually never seen Ben mad. And, he doesn't even get red after doing sports (I totally turn all red when I work out). So he turned red and I was like, OH CRAP! I just faced forward. Because I think he was only hanging out with us because I asked him to.
I didn't say anything and Juan didn't say anything and Ben just sat there, breathing. I watched his chest go up and down. M. sort of took a deep breath because I think she was out of air, laughing that hard.
That little car got really quiet. Well, as quiet as it can be. It's a really old car. I don't know what kind it is, but it it gray and small and it rattles all the time, and it reminds me of a lunch box.
I think I'm going to start crushing up meds for M. and putting them in her pop. Or her Ho Hos.
these five words i swear to you 04.02.1989
"I'll be there for you" by Bon Jovi is playing on the stereo. (KUBE, my favorite station). I've been cleaning my room cuz it looked like a nuclear war testing zone. I love this song so much. It's so sweet!
Chorus:
I'll be there for you. These five words I swear to you. When you breathe I wanna be the air for you. I'll be there for you. I'd live and I'd die for you, Steal the sun from the sky for you. Words can't say what love can do. I'll be there for you.
Sometimes I go over to Anna's and we watch Mtv and I see Jon Bon Jovi singing his guts out and I pretend he's singing just to me. Or that someone like him is singing to me. Or maybe some guy out there is at least listening to him sing the song and thinking of me. Or something.
You know, if he didn't use the contraction, it would be six words and it would ruin the chorus. "These six words I swear to you" just doesn't sound the same. Thank goodness for the apostrophe!
I was supposed to go out with my friends this weekend, but it didn't work out. They're setting me up with this guy who is the president of our class. And he has a Beamer. He's very smart and good looking. It's a little intimidating. Oh, and he's Matt's best friend, so we could double with u-know-who.
Something else funny about that song. If someone were the air for me when I was breathing, would I actually be breathing carbon dioxide and like, die because it would be like breathing in fumes? It sounds romantic, like suicide because of a broken heart, but it's probably just messy. Or stinky. Or uncomfortable. Like love.
It's just as well going out this weekend didn't work out. I could've fallen in love for real and then I would've died of a broken heart, or poisoning.
And the award for BEST *supporting* actress (in a nansecond role) goes to...
DRAMA!!! It is the new love of my life. I tried out for the school play and I MADE IT! I'm still thinking I should use my screen name for the play.
THS is really well known for its drama department. They did Grease last year and it was a HUGE hit. So, who knows? Maybe a Hollywood agent will stop by and say, "Who WAS that girl who played Billy's mom?!"
And I'll say, "Mikare Night!!" If I get famous, I don't want people to go, oh yeah, now she's Mikare Night but she used to be that Smith girl. LAMERS.
The guys in drama are really cute and really weird! One of them knows all the Billy Joel songs and plays them on the piano before we warm up. He and these other guys have all these inside jokes, saying "Boot to the head! Boot to the head!" and "I crush your head!" while pinching together their fingers.
They're seniors, so I can't tell if I don't get them because they're so much older or if it's a drama thing.
I guess I should mention that my part is kind of small. I'm somebody's mother. But it is a speaking part! Of course it is only one line. And I'm not sure how they are going to use my screen name on the program because I don't even have a character name. In the script, I'm just "Billy's mom."
If I want bigger parts, I really should work on dropping another thirty pounds and maybe get some voice lessons.
At least, that's what M. says. Oh, and me and M. are best friends now. She's an actress, too. She's done theater FOREVER. Of course, Anna is my best best friend but she isn't here right now AND she's younger than me.
Last night I spent the night at M.'s and guess what? She's in love MASS with Ben. Of all people! I'm so glad I'm OVER him. I really am.
THS is really well known for its drama department. They did Grease last year and it was a HUGE hit. So, who knows? Maybe a Hollywood agent will stop by and say, "Who WAS that girl who played Billy's mom?!"
And I'll say, "Mikare Night!!" If I get famous, I don't want people to go, oh yeah, now she's Mikare Night but she used to be that Smith girl. LAMERS.
The guys in drama are really cute and really weird! One of them knows all the Billy Joel songs and plays them on the piano before we warm up. He and these other guys have all these inside jokes, saying "Boot to the head! Boot to the head!" and "I crush your head!" while pinching together their fingers.
They're seniors, so I can't tell if I don't get them because they're so much older or if it's a drama thing.
I guess I should mention that my part is kind of small. I'm somebody's mother. But it is a speaking part! Of course it is only one line. And I'm not sure how they are going to use my screen name on the program because I don't even have a character name. In the script, I'm just "Billy's mom."
If I want bigger parts, I really should work on dropping another thirty pounds and maybe get some voice lessons.
At least, that's what M. says. Oh, and me and M. are best friends now. She's an actress, too. She's done theater FOREVER. Of course, Anna is my best best friend but she isn't here right now AND she's younger than me.
Last night I spent the night at M.'s and guess what? She's in love MASS with Ben. Of all people! I'm so glad I'm OVER him. I really am.
i am, but i'm not, but i act like one, but i'm not....03.28.1989
Last night M. came over and then we went to her house. Charles was there and being really horny, for Charles anyway. We were holding hands and he played with my hair but he got his hand got stuck because of all the hair spray. He was leaning against me while we talked. We get along so well!
R. just called me back. We talked for about a half hour. He seemed, like, really surprised by how I a really am. That kinda sucks. I guess Charles is portraying me to R. as some sweet, innocent kid. I'm not! I like guys and parties and all that stuff!
Well, I guess deep down inside I am still pretty innocent. But R. got my fake me: partier, guys... (at least I hope that me is fake). Actually, that me is pretty fake, considering I haven't really kissed anyone yet and I haven't really been to a party that didn't involve some kind of cake and ice cream...
I'm not sure why I think about R sometimes just out of the blue. Mostly at school I think about Sam and Craig (mostly Sam) and how to avoid Matt but still attract his attention. School is pretty fun cuz in 4 out of 6 classes, I find some guy in there attractive, which makes the period more interesting.
Anyway, I never dreamed that I would have more guy friends than I do girls. I'm trying to be outgoing and stuff but I know a lot of people think I'm a snob. Sometimes I TRY to act like a snob just for the hell of it. (YES, I just SWORE!) Did I mention my drama teacher is finally back?
R. just called me back. We talked for about a half hour. He seemed, like, really surprised by how I a really am. That kinda sucks. I guess Charles is portraying me to R. as some sweet, innocent kid. I'm not! I like guys and parties and all that stuff!
Well, I guess deep down inside I am still pretty innocent. But R. got my fake me: partier, guys... (at least I hope that me is fake). Actually, that me is pretty fake, considering I haven't really kissed anyone yet and I haven't really been to a party that didn't involve some kind of cake and ice cream...
I'm not sure why I think about R sometimes just out of the blue. Mostly at school I think about Sam and Craig (mostly Sam) and how to avoid Matt but still attract his attention. School is pretty fun cuz in 4 out of 6 classes, I find some guy in there attractive, which makes the period more interesting.
Anyway, I never dreamed that I would have more guy friends than I do girls. I'm trying to be outgoing and stuff but I know a lot of people think I'm a snob. Sometimes I TRY to act like a snob just for the hell of it. (YES, I just SWORE!) Did I mention my drama teacher is finally back?
THE FIVE ANGST POETRY FINALISTS!
To vote, click the radio button beside the title of your favorite poem in the upper left corner.
WOW!
Thanks to everyone who submitted poetry to the adolescent angst poetry contest.
Keep in mind... the top five poems are not listed in any particular order, nor were they chosen for adding value to the genre.
No, the top five are thus simply because they typify adolescent ANGST at its finest (or worst, you could say). The poems are as varied as their authors... Some are clever, others put the fine point on misery...
Enjoy, and don't forget to vote for your favorite!
DUMPED
The pain you
caused me
bludgeoned
a wound
deep
in my soul,
piercing
deeper still,
permanently
scarring me.
Your blade
sliced me
from the
inside out.
With
blood-stained
pride and
emotion
sliced away,
I collapse.
My heart
drips
from the
blade.
Wiping it
clean,
you choose
another.
YOU
I sit and stare
at your curly Kirk Cameron hair...
In biology class everyday
take my jelly bracelet hand and like, promise to stay
forever in my heart
nothing will tear us apart
I wake up from this totally rad dream
In real-life you are so majorly mean
Stop pushing me in the hall
always trying to make me fall
With your stupid Reebok high-top shoes
you always win, i like, always lose
Take me for a ride in your Camaro
Cupid has struck me with his neon arrow.
ONLY A KISS
Only a kiss, where did it lead?
What was an addiction,
now just a need.
Whispered a wish under the stars.
What was a wound...now only scars.
My love I bled to you in vain,
without you.... I will never be the same.
If later in life we do meet,
perhaps I'll lay my broken heart at your feet.'
COMMUNICATION
I don’t know what to say
Scenarios run through my mind
I have my old stand-bys for starting conversation:
Osama bin Laden
Existentialist thought
How the designated hitter rule is ruining baseball
But when it comes to you, I freeze.
Symptoms Include:
Swapping awkward pleasantries about the weather
and homework.
Stammering to such a degree it makes George W.
look articulate.
Shuffling feet unit it feels like you might erode the
ground beneath you.
Staring at the ground until you become well-versed in
the play of light and shadow of the wad of chewed-up gum
on the sidewalk before you.
Wishing to say the things that the heart feels but have it come out as,
“So what kind of music do you like?”
Having my heart break a little as
Flirty girls corner you
Hanging on your every word
Laughing at the appropriate intervals
At times hating the
Hair flips
Vapid words
Made-up faces courtesy of Revlon
Envy develops as a side effect
wondering how one person can render me so utterly and
completely powerless.
Treatment:
Possible options
Transference of academic residence
Growth and implantation of a backbone
Selective amnesia about all feelings and memories for a
Particular person
Prognosis:
Terminal case of a severe high school crush
A FAILED VACATION
I could have traversed deserts,
And conquered my wayward self.
But gold's hand held me back home,
And I put such dreams on a shelf.
A closer bond I could have forged,
But I chose to let it pass away
Because there was an Imperial "No,"
Which ordered me to stay.
A sharp piercing pain I felt in my chest,
For my heart was returning to its cavity,
The organ was choking on it past dreams
And was blinded by my mind's depravity
We are held back by what is "ours,"
When we mark with an apostrophe.
It ties us to one place and time,
The greatest human catastrophe.
WOW!
Thanks to everyone who submitted poetry to the adolescent angst poetry contest.
Keep in mind... the top five poems are not listed in any particular order, nor were they chosen for adding value to the genre.
No, the top five are thus simply because they typify adolescent ANGST at its finest (or worst, you could say). The poems are as varied as their authors... Some are clever, others put the fine point on misery...
Enjoy, and don't forget to vote for your favorite!
DUMPED
The pain you
caused me
bludgeoned
a wound
deep
in my soul,
piercing
deeper still,
permanently
scarring me.
Your blade
sliced me
from the
inside out.
With
blood-stained
pride and
emotion
sliced away,
I collapse.
My heart
drips
from the
blade.
Wiping it
clean,
you choose
another.
YOU
I sit and stare
at your curly Kirk Cameron hair...
In biology class everyday
take my jelly bracelet hand and like, promise to stay
forever in my heart
nothing will tear us apart
I wake up from this totally rad dream
In real-life you are so majorly mean
Stop pushing me in the hall
always trying to make me fall
With your stupid Reebok high-top shoes
you always win, i like, always lose
Take me for a ride in your Camaro
Cupid has struck me with his neon arrow.
ONLY A KISS
Only a kiss, where did it lead?
What was an addiction,
now just a need.
Whispered a wish under the stars.
What was a wound...now only scars.
My love I bled to you in vain,
without you.... I will never be the same.
If later in life we do meet,
perhaps I'll lay my broken heart at your feet.'
COMMUNICATION
I don’t know what to say
Scenarios run through my mind
I have my old stand-bys for starting conversation:
Osama bin Laden
Existentialist thought
How the designated hitter rule is ruining baseball
But when it comes to you, I freeze.
Symptoms Include:
Swapping awkward pleasantries about the weather
and homework.
Stammering to such a degree it makes George W.
look articulate.
Shuffling feet unit it feels like you might erode the
ground beneath you.
Staring at the ground until you become well-versed in
the play of light and shadow of the wad of chewed-up gum
on the sidewalk before you.
Wishing to say the things that the heart feels but have it come out as,
“So what kind of music do you like?”
Having my heart break a little as
Flirty girls corner you
Hanging on your every word
Laughing at the appropriate intervals
At times hating the
Hair flips
Vapid words
Made-up faces courtesy of Revlon
Envy develops as a side effect
wondering how one person can render me so utterly and
completely powerless.
Treatment:
Possible options
Transference of academic residence
Growth and implantation of a backbone
Selective amnesia about all feelings and memories for a
Particular person
Prognosis:
Terminal case of a severe high school crush
A FAILED VACATION
I could have traversed deserts,
And conquered my wayward self.
But gold's hand held me back home,
And I put such dreams on a shelf.
A closer bond I could have forged,
But I chose to let it pass away
Because there was an Imperial "No,"
Which ordered me to stay.
A sharp piercing pain I felt in my chest,
For my heart was returning to its cavity,
The organ was choking on it past dreams
And was blinded by my mind's depravity
We are held back by what is "ours,"
When we mark with an apostrophe.
It ties us to one place and time,
The greatest human catastrophe.
Cruizin, dancin, tacky-ness, and polygamy (in that order) 03.16.89
I wuz just sitting down to write in here and guess what? R. called me! Cutie, sweetie, my lover (hardy har har) R.P. - Whoah!
Well, anyway, I never wrote about this weekend, cuz I wuz cathing up on last weekend. THIS weekend me and Charles and Ben goofed around. They were supposed to take me home but instead we went cruizin downtown. I had a BLAST.
On Saturday, I went to a choir contest and saw a bunch of people from NTHS. It was so cool cuz they totally begged me to come back!
And then I found out that M. and K. like me! Remember how I said I hoped somebody likes me and I just don't know about it? And Corey, too. Dreams do come true.
Of course, I don't like them, or hadn't considered it until now. How come when I like a guy he doesn't know I exist and when some guy finally likes me, I don't really like him except that I like that he likes me?
I can't wait until I'm married and I don't have to think about it anymore. I guess that is what happens. You finally like the same person who likes you and that's it. Before you know it you're married and you have ten kids.
Then, I went to a regional church dance in some cow town. It was sooooooo fun. on the way home, I rode in back with J. and R. They both fell asleep, one on each shoulder.
And J. is this gorgeous, George Michael type guy who was hinting at homecoming. Cool! Not that I can go to homecoming unless we have a chaperone. I'm not going to date until I'm 16. Dad said he might make an exception for prom and homecoming but Mom sez no way.
I think it would be fun to go in a group. Mom sez a group date is still a date and still "out of the question." This is her favorite phrase. Can you see me rolling my eyes right now? But, if we don't go this year, Ben and Charles and me are going to throw a party instead. Which will be mass fun. And their Mom will make bean dip, and I'll bring my stereo with my records, and it will be awesome!
And R. and me got married, too. He proposed on the way home. I said yes. He gave me his Batman ring. We're going to make it official in Portland at the 24 Hour Church of Elvis. Of course, I'm still going to marry Charles. And maybe R.P. I'm such a polygamist!
Dad wuz all uptight when I got home cuz I caught a ride home with the guys and I got a ride to the dance with K. and her dad. He said it wuz tacky and bad manners to not come home with K. and her dad. And he yelled at me cuz I embarassed him. OH WELL! Dad embarrasses me all the time. That's what families are for.
Then Sunday, I went to M.'s. She told me that R.P. came over Friday night looking for me. How cool! Then we went to a youth fireside for church and I got really hyper on punch and Ben gave me a ride home. Me and Charles were together all night (again).
Well, anyway, I never wrote about this weekend, cuz I wuz cathing up on last weekend. THIS weekend me and Charles and Ben goofed around. They were supposed to take me home but instead we went cruizin downtown. I had a BLAST.
On Saturday, I went to a choir contest and saw a bunch of people from NTHS. It was so cool cuz they totally begged me to come back!
And then I found out that M. and K. like me! Remember how I said I hoped somebody likes me and I just don't know about it? And Corey, too. Dreams do come true.
Of course, I don't like them, or hadn't considered it until now. How come when I like a guy he doesn't know I exist and when some guy finally likes me, I don't really like him except that I like that he likes me?
I can't wait until I'm married and I don't have to think about it anymore. I guess that is what happens. You finally like the same person who likes you and that's it. Before you know it you're married and you have ten kids.
Then, I went to a regional church dance in some cow town. It was sooooooo fun. on the way home, I rode in back with J. and R. They both fell asleep, one on each shoulder.
And J. is this gorgeous, George Michael type guy who was hinting at homecoming. Cool! Not that I can go to homecoming unless we have a chaperone. I'm not going to date until I'm 16. Dad said he might make an exception for prom and homecoming but Mom sez no way.
I think it would be fun to go in a group. Mom sez a group date is still a date and still "out of the question." This is her favorite phrase. Can you see me rolling my eyes right now? But, if we don't go this year, Ben and Charles and me are going to throw a party instead. Which will be mass fun. And their Mom will make bean dip, and I'll bring my stereo with my records, and it will be awesome!
And R. and me got married, too. He proposed on the way home. I said yes. He gave me his Batman ring. We're going to make it official in Portland at the 24 Hour Church of Elvis. Of course, I'm still going to marry Charles. And maybe R.P. I'm such a polygamist!
Dad wuz all uptight when I got home cuz I caught a ride home with the guys and I got a ride to the dance with K. and her dad. He said it wuz tacky and bad manners to not come home with K. and her dad. And he yelled at me cuz I embarassed him. OH WELL! Dad embarrasses me all the time. That's what families are for.
Then Sunday, I went to M.'s. She told me that R.P. came over Friday night looking for me. How cool! Then we went to a youth fireside for church and I got really hyper on punch and Ben gave me a ride home. Me and Charles were together all night (again).
no (hopes of) physical contact, and i feel fine 03.14.89
I haven't written in sooooooooooo long and SO much has happened!
Last weekend was pretty AWESOME! I went to M.'s early birthday party at Pizza Place. Everybody was sooooooo obnoxious! It wuz great.
I sat by Charles. We've DEFINITELY decided to be psychologists and get married and have lots of kids. A temple marriage, of course, after we go on missions. And we're gonna compose together too. We are so much alike, it's funny!
That was Friday afternoon. Friday evening I babysat for Eve and Nicholas, who are Charles and Ben's little sister and brother. They were such good kids! We chased each other around the house and they ate my dinner even though I dried it out and burnt it. They didn't eat very much, though.
And when Charles and Ben got back, their parents took Ben out to dinner but Charles stayed. Eve and Nicholas were in bed.
I know you won't believe this, but me and Charles studied the scriptures and watched Family Home Evening movies! Never before have I spent that much time with a guy and felt so good about it without any physical contact!
I WUZN'T sitting there the whole time wishing Charles would hold my hand, or play with my hair maybe just sort of walk by and sort of accidentally kiss my collar bones. Nothing!
Charles is very special to me. I cannot and will not see my future without him as a very close friend. And someday maybe more. But for right now, I get sprung over lots of different guys and have a blast, but somewhere inside I am reserved for Charles. Pretty WEIRD.
Anyway, after Ben and his parents came home, they all went to bed and we just hung out. Arm wrestling, talking, throwing those little jelly bean robbins eggs at each other. It's weird to feel only friendship for Ben, but I really do. Every girl at church went through the Ben stage. I guess mine just lasted longer than usual.
Last weekend was pretty AWESOME! I went to M.'s early birthday party at Pizza Place. Everybody was sooooooo obnoxious! It wuz great.
I sat by Charles. We've DEFINITELY decided to be psychologists and get married and have lots of kids. A temple marriage, of course, after we go on missions. And we're gonna compose together too. We are so much alike, it's funny!
That was Friday afternoon. Friday evening I babysat for Eve and Nicholas, who are Charles and Ben's little sister and brother. They were such good kids! We chased each other around the house and they ate my dinner even though I dried it out and burnt it. They didn't eat very much, though.
And when Charles and Ben got back, their parents took Ben out to dinner but Charles stayed. Eve and Nicholas were in bed.
I know you won't believe this, but me and Charles studied the scriptures and watched Family Home Evening movies! Never before have I spent that much time with a guy and felt so good about it without any physical contact!
I WUZN'T sitting there the whole time wishing Charles would hold my hand, or play with my hair maybe just sort of walk by and sort of accidentally kiss my collar bones. Nothing!
Charles is very special to me. I cannot and will not see my future without him as a very close friend. And someday maybe more. But for right now, I get sprung over lots of different guys and have a blast, but somewhere inside I am reserved for Charles. Pretty WEIRD.
Anyway, after Ben and his parents came home, they all went to bed and we just hung out. Arm wrestling, talking, throwing those little jelly bean robbins eggs at each other. It's weird to feel only friendship for Ben, but I really do. Every girl at church went through the Ben stage. I guess mine just lasted longer than usual.
i was only dreaming, i was only trying to catch your eye, i was only... 03.05.89
I guess what I really want to write down is the dream I had last night. I just have to get up the nerve. But since I've decided not to show this diary to anyone, I'll write it down.
I dreamed I was at a church dance, but they'd changed the rules so amorous embraces were allowed. (You know how everything is just how you want it in dreams?)
Anyways, I was out in a circle on the dance floor with all my friends. We were laughing and dancing like crazy. (I was coordinated. That should've been my first clue that it was a DREAM).
We all got tired and most of them went to get a drink from the water fountain but I just went to the sidelines to cool off.
It was really dark and I didn't realize I had sat down next to Ben. We started talking about school and the dance and all this stuff. And then this slow song came on and we stopped talking. I just looked at the cut glass ball and smiled, thinking about the light and how pretty everything was.
And THEN I thought Ben stood up to leave but I saw his hand reached out to me and we just started dancing, really close. And I was happier than I had ever been. In my dream, I was really thin and pretty and I had a perfect personality.
And the song didn't end and everyone else just faded away. That was joy. The joy I have never known.
I guess I'm still in like with Ben. Too bad all the guys like Anna or Phoebe. I just wish sometimes that I had a totally different life or that I could be a different person. A thin, pretty one that guys liked.
Oh well. I guess I'll just keep hoping that some guy likes me and I just don't know about it.
{A note from 2009: If I'd had ANY idea I would do this to myself 20 years later, I wouldn't have written a single word as a teenager. I almost feel sorry for her. Er. Ahem. Um. Anyway, Ben and Ben's wife (who actually happens to be beautiful and thin and she has a perfect personality) PLEASE don't kill me for posting this entry...}
I dreamed I was at a church dance, but they'd changed the rules so amorous embraces were allowed. (You know how everything is just how you want it in dreams?)
Anyways, I was out in a circle on the dance floor with all my friends. We were laughing and dancing like crazy. (I was coordinated. That should've been my first clue that it was a DREAM).
We all got tired and most of them went to get a drink from the water fountain but I just went to the sidelines to cool off.
It was really dark and I didn't realize I had sat down next to Ben. We started talking about school and the dance and all this stuff. And then this slow song came on and we stopped talking. I just looked at the cut glass ball and smiled, thinking about the light and how pretty everything was.
And THEN I thought Ben stood up to leave but I saw his hand reached out to me and we just started dancing, really close. And I was happier than I had ever been. In my dream, I was really thin and pretty and I had a perfect personality.
And the song didn't end and everyone else just faded away. That was joy. The joy I have never known.
I guess I'm still in like with Ben. Too bad all the guys like Anna or Phoebe. I just wish sometimes that I had a totally different life or that I could be a different person. A thin, pretty one that guys liked.
Oh well. I guess I'll just keep hoping that some guy likes me and I just don't know about it.
{A note from 2009: If I'd had ANY idea I would do this to myself 20 years later, I wouldn't have written a single word as a teenager. I almost feel sorry for her. Er. Ahem. Um. Anyway, Ben and Ben's wife (who actually happens to be beautiful and thin and she has a perfect personality) PLEASE don't kill me for posting this entry...}
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
