not-love, perv-love, church-love, and love-love...June 1989

You know that phrase, absence makes the heart grow fonder...? Well, it's a LIE!

I hardly think of Burgess. I know it's cold, but I can't help the way I feel. I'll never hurt him, not even at my own expense! But I don't love him. It's not a word to be thrown around and I'm not going to use it if I don't mean it.

Besides, I kind of like BAD boys! But, a good girl can't stay a good girl and like a bad boy. Watch out for perv-love! So, I need to find an asi asi (so so) bad boy. (I'm learning Spanish!)

I've met a wonderful guy named Russ. He's so cool, but his name is lamers. Gek! I'll have to give him a nickname when I talk about him to my friends. Anyway, he's soooooooooo musically talented. I admire him and I want to know him better.

Music is my life, my soul, and my passion. I'd never be able to go on without it. The drive, the romance in life would all be taken away. Burgess doesn't get into music, and that's tough on me.

If I stay in Yakima all summer, I don't know what will happen to Burgess and me. But I do hope to become good, close friends with Russ. He's a wonderful human being. Plus, he's the only Mormon I've ever liked. Except Doug [aka Ben]. Well, I also love Brian [aka Charles], but that's church-love. And perv-love is what I felt for Rob. But what I feel for Russ could become love-love!

I really have to get some sleep now, so ---

CAIO!
(chow)

I think chow is French or something.

Always,
me

three deaths and a crying baby....april 1989

Well, I sat around all spring break and rotted. It wuz great! Anna came to visit and me and Charles are doing great again.

Then, things for Charles are a little hard right now. His grandfather died yesterday and I feel bad for him even though I don't understand what he's going through, really. I've never experienced the death of someone close to me.

My cousin died of leukemia but I didn't know him very well. They came all the way up from New Mexico because the hospital here specializes in leukemia treatment. Mom and Dad and me visited him in the hospital and he threw up green stuff. He was so weak, his Mom had to push him forward to throw up. She just sat there, watching him the whole time and holding the bowl for him and she never said a word. She just put her hand on his hair or his back.

We didn't stay very long. I know I shouldn't say this, but I was glad to go. I just stood there feeling stupid and grossed out and horrible because none of them looked like themselves in that awful lighting with those terrible plastic chairs and my uncle was so thin that he looked bent.

The only other time I've known someone who had to deal with death was when Sister Isabel's baby died and she moved away. I think staying here was too painful for her. I was so sad that she moved away but I knew I couldn't possibly feel how sad she was.

I thought of trying to get pregnant and giving her the baby, but it wouldn't have been her baby, for one thing. And for another, I would've had to do U KNOW WHAT which is exactly what she spent hours at church teaching us not to do until we're married.

And it's not like I can just go marry someone because I'm only 14 and then if we got married and I got pregnant and I gave the baby away, what then? The guy I married would know he just married a crazy person. Plus, then I'm stuck with a husband I only married so I could have a baby to give to someone else.

I suppose I could get married, get pregnant, not tell him, get divorced, give the baby to Sister Isabel, and run away. But I don't see her liking that very much, either. Like I said before, she wanted her own baby, not somebody else's.

Anyway, none of this gets me any closer to helping Charles or being there for him.

So, while I'm trying to be there for Charles like he always has been for me, I want to be real about it. Charles sez he is doing ok. He is more worried about his mom (it was her dad who died) and his little brother, who has cried pretty much constantly since his Grandpa died. Poor kid.

I think Charles's little brother is pretty emotional in general, though. He cried a lot as a baby, too. My mom took care of him once and he cried ALL DAY. I got so jealous of her paying so much attention to him that I pinched him. It's not like it made any difference in how much he cried. Sure, he cried even HARDER for a minute, but then it was back to the same old bawling.

What if I'm being fake to try to be there for Charles and understand? It's not like I have anything helpful to say or do. I'm trying to pull myself together but I guess not hard enough.

FYC, The Cure, and GC: an insert.... 04.02.1989

"She Drives Me Crazy" by the FIne Young Cannibals is on the stereo (KUBE). Mac used to always sing this song on the ski bus. Man I miss the ski bus! I should say I miss skiing but I miss the ski bus more. Hee hee.

I found these notes I took during General Conference for extra credit in seminary, but I never finished them so I might as well stick them in here. Dad said conference was boring. Nice example.

I also wrote Rob a note. He called me that night and I wuz so happy to talk to him, but I think I need to STOP thinking about him. I never can tell when he's serious. He tells me he loves me all the time, but he also is so full of crap that it drives me crazy!

I haven't run this week and I think I've gained weight. I look ENORMOUS. I'm going to lose 10 pounds by Friday if it kills me. Hello Slim Fast and Dexitrim! I have mass homework. Gotta go.

Are you joshin me? Rob just called. We talked for about a half an hour but Dad started getting on my case about phone curfew. He and mom have the DUMBEST rules.

He (Rob, not my Dad) is so totally RAD. Super smart and funny. Besides, someone who says he is nuts about you is totally irresistible. I think that's my favorite thing about him, matter of fact. And there's lots of fun things to choose from, especially that Charles gets so UPTIGHT about him.

Yup, love that he says he thinks he loves me. "What an attractive quality in a young man," as my mom would say. *ROLLING MY EYES right now.* Gek! She wants me to marry Charles, in case I haven't mentioned that. That's nice and all, but LATER Mom. Sheesh.

Reading back in this journal, I can see the brain rot happening. I've been spending all my time on drama and boys and plays and not enough on books. But I don't want to be a brainy nerdy lame-o anymore, so it's a tough call. Not really. HAH. Let me think, stupid old rhyming history in the Iliad or Mr. Robert P. himself - who - now that I think of it, makes me feel like listening to The Cure and curling up in a ball on the floor and actually enjoying it in some sick way. I totally heart being lovelorn. Mass. I'm NOT kidding.

So, forget the homework. I know it'll never work out with Rob, so might as well get started on some awesome lyrics about how much love sucks. Hahhahahahahahaha!

and so it, like, turns out that guys are mass stupid... 04.19.1989

I'm sitting (actually, laying) here on my daybed listening to my stereo (my Heart tape) So, today M. called me and she told me that she talked to Charles.

It turns out that Charles really just loves me like a sister, but he doesn't want me to go out with Rob because he knows that Rob is a perv and has done a LOT of stuff with girls. And I haven't even been kissed for real yet, on the collarbones.

So what if Charles thinks dating Rob is too risky? Why are they friends then? Although, I guess if even your best friend thinks you're a perv, then you probably are a perv.

And why was I so stupid to feel all giddy about Rob and so special that Charles loved me, when really NONE of it was romantic. I THOUGHT it was romantic. But one type of love is perv-love and the other type of love is church-love and so none of it was love-love. Guys are so mass stupid, and I'm stupid to have thought they were not stupid.

I'm done with this. I'm going to be tough! I'm going to flirt and have fun and not care. "When you finally come knocking, there'll be nobody home." But that sounds so boring. And I really do want to be kissed on the collar bones! What should I do?

crazy love and strip poker, Mormon style 04.18.1989

Last night, me and Charles went to Rob's house and soooooooooooo much happened!

We (Rob and me) haven't seen each other for a long time, like four weeks or something. Ever since we met, me and Rob have been really close. It was like, an automatic reaction.

He has these light blue eyes and curly brown hair that hangs in his face and he's just really sweet to me and sincere and affectionate.

So, when we saw each other after that long, we couldn't really be separated. I talked to him about his girlfriend and I listened a lot.

M. was on the pone with Charles and she wuz telling him that me and Rob were going out, just to sike him. Which really ticked me off pretty bad cuz I don't want anyone messing with Charles.

Well, I thought Rob wuz just being a goof when he put is arms around me and held me a lot and kissed my hand and stuff. I thought he was being cute, cuz Charles says Rob is a player.

All night we talked and he showed me how to skateboard. I have the bruises to prove it!

All this tim, M. was asking Charles all these squestions about whether he liked me or not an dhe admitted that he LOVED me. Well, Rob is his best friend.

By this time - well let's just say I'm crazy about Rob - even if my age range for dating a guy goes from 17 - 25, and he's 13. Geez! I can't believe this. And he SKIIS. Yay!

Well, from here it gets confusing. Rob is telling me about this girl he likes a lot, and I'm trying to guess who it is so I can help him date her. Then he starts talking to Charles about something they won't let me hear, and it turns out that Rob genuinely likes me as much as Charles, who claims he loves me.

Rob tells Charles to find someone else because what we have is going to last forever. But, uh, what about his girlfriend? And, I'm so crazy about Rob that it's sick but I'm so close to Charles that everything turned upside down cuz Charles keeps saying that he loves me but I think he's always just loved me as a sister.

And when I see Matt at school, I still think he is so cute, but he's Emily's, and I'm supposed to go out with Matt's best friend. What is it with best friends liking the same people? It's stupid. And, I heart Rob! Whoah!

When everyone finally go off the phone we played strip poker, Mormon style, and I lost. Strip poker Mormon style is earrings, socks, shoes, sweaters, stuff like that. So, it's not like I did anything naughty.

But, I had so much fun last night and it is so confusing. When we got back to M.'s house, Charles called and spilled his guts to me about how he loves me. I told him we should wait on it because what we have is SO special.

I really do love Rob. Now I know what they mean by "crazy in love!"

cheezing out over brian 02.20.89

I walked over to see Brian today (he lives about a block away). He's Doug's little brother, who happens to be my best guy friend, ever (Brian, I mean).

We chased Max and fixed dinner and then we totally jammed on the piano! That was the coolest part of our night. We started to make up a song called Under the Sun - what he did was goofed around with chords and stuff on the piano, and then from that I'd just make up words and a melody as we went along. Brian is a genius at the piano!

We get a long so well - and I love him a lot as a friend. We've been through so much together - and he's always been there to cheer me up when I was down and to help me out of troubles.

I told him about the wine coolers and he said it was good that I didn't drink any, because of the Word of Wisdom and stuff. We're not supposed to drink or smoke or have coffee or do drugs. He said if I ever get in that situation again, I can call him and his mom will come get me. He cares about me and I care about him sooooooooo much.

When I hang out with Brian, I can't even remember why I would care what anyone else thinks about me. I only care that he approves of me, and I know he cares about me the same way God does - that he wants what is good for me. Being with him is so peaceful and happy.

We have our lives planned out together - from small to big things - like daily jamming sessions ranging to college, missions, and jobs. We both want to be psychologists. We'll do therapy on people from our white house with a white picket fence and we'll have lots of kids and both be home with them all day, but we'll have an office outside the house so strangers can't come in. We have the same dreams.

I can't explain how I know that no matter what, no matter how far away he is from me, he's by my side. Just that eternal friend.

I can't believe that I'm out of pages to write in. When I get a new diary, I'll make sure to tell what happened at school today and about last night and what happened today with Matt!

introducing....Mikare Night! - 10.24.88

This weekend was pretty cool except Sunday. Friday night I went to the movies with Anna and then we snuck into the football game at THS. We went to the football game because the movie was so boring. It was called Roger Rabbit. Why would anyone make a movie about a stupid rabbit? DUH. We're in high school, now! Cartoons are for middle school.

I'd rather see Gone with the Wind. I just finished the book, but I rewrote the ending because I wanted Scarlett and Rhett to end up together. They're too perfect with each other.

All of my books are going to have happy endings. Of course, unless I'm an actress. I'd rather be an actress than an author, because then when you're finished working, people actually clap for you. I was in a play last fall and it was mass cool! I can see why people can't stop acting once they start, even though they end up getting anorexic and addicted to drugs.

I wish I were anorexic. I can't be, though. I love food! But, if I'm an actress or a writer, I'm going to change my name. My name will be Mikare (pronounced Me - car - ree) Night or Mikare Delsa Anaqueese.

My dance class last year had a girl in it named Mikare and she was a great dancer! She told me she was bulimic. She could totally barf at will. I'm petrified of vomiting, so I can't be a bulimic either.

It's too bad, really. The holidays are coming up and I'm going to need to lose some weight in January because I totally eat mass shortbread cookies during Christmas. I'm not even going to try not to. I'm crazed for shortbread!

Anyway, THS was playing CHS on the NTHS field because the THS field is lame. At the game I saw Matt. Anna was totally sprung over Matt last summer but she's over him. At least, she says she's over him. I met a different guy who just came up and said hi and we just started talking. But I don't like him for more than a friend. I didn't get to talk to Matt that much and I couldn't see because I didn't have my contacts in.

So I have no idea who won the game but it's not like I care. Football is so boring. I just go because the football players line up with their butts to the stands. I'm such a perv! All I can say is Matt looks great in his marching band uniform even though marching band is dorky. Matt is one of those cool people who can pull off being in marching band, which is saying something. Like, totally wow.

Then on Saturday, me and Anna went to the dance and I had a blast! Mostly I danced with Ben and Charles but I also danced with a bunch of guys I met during the play. I totally miss them! At least we can hang out at dances because they don't go to NTHS. It was kinda fun but I made my decision then and there that I can't handle loving Ben anymore. I can't stand seeing him with other girls...looking at them the same way he looks at me, making all the times we've totally hung out seem normal and routine.

What I need is a distraction. Because Anna swears she's not sprung on Matt anymore, I could totally like him in a strictly flirtational sort of way. We met last summer and he totally flirted with me and I thought maybe he liked me then but it turns out he flirts with most everyone just because he can.

So, that's fair. I know I can't convince Anna that I'm over Ben, but I can convince everyone else. I've always been attracted to Matt. He has the dorky soccer player hair cut, but his eyes are an intense shade of blue like Ben's. And, he's mass fun.

Sunday was pretty bad. And stupid. I don't know if there is a God. And I'm so sick of the cliques at church that I could actually barf. Today was just another Monday. Totally boring. Besides, I need to stop writing. I'm getting a callous on my right hand that looks like a wart.