not-love, perv-love, church-love, and love-love...June 1989

You know that phrase, absence makes the heart grow fonder...? Well, it's a LIE!

I hardly think of Burgess. I know it's cold, but I can't help the way I feel. I'll never hurt him, not even at my own expense! But I don't love him. It's not a word to be thrown around and I'm not going to use it if I don't mean it.

Besides, I kind of like BAD boys! But, a good girl can't stay a good girl and like a bad boy. Watch out for perv-love! So, I need to find an asi asi (so so) bad boy. (I'm learning Spanish!)

I've met a wonderful guy named Russ. He's so cool, but his name is lamers. Gek! I'll have to give him a nickname when I talk about him to my friends. Anyway, he's soooooooooo musically talented. I admire him and I want to know him better.

Music is my life, my soul, and my passion. I'd never be able to go on without it. The drive, the romance in life would all be taken away. Burgess doesn't get into music, and that's tough on me.

If I stay in Yakima all summer, I don't know what will happen to Burgess and me. But I do hope to become good, close friends with Russ. He's a wonderful human being. Plus, he's the only Mormon I've ever liked. Except Doug [aka Ben]. Well, I also love Brian [aka Charles], but that's church-love. And perv-love is what I felt for Rob. But what I feel for Russ could become love-love!

I really have to get some sleep now, so ---

CAIO!
(chow)

I think chow is French or something.

Always,
me

love and medication ...04.17.1989

It's tough right now being M.'s friend because she's off her meds. I hope this changes soon. Sometimes we have a hard time relating except we're so much alike that we almost know each other's thoughts.

Let's get on with what's really bothering me.

Last night I spent the night at M's. She's in love MASS with Ben. Isn't that hilarious?

I'm really glad I'm finally over him. I know I've said that before, but it's true. Anyway, she wanted me to call Ben and ask him to take her cruzing. Well, I wanted to see R. really bad cuz we haven't hung out since before Christmas. He's been calling me and he wuz going to come over to M.'s house, which would be great becuz her Mom leaves us alone and mine are nosy.

But, I try to be a good friend, so I called Ben and he said sure. Ben took us cruzing downtown and made fun of the guys sitting on their neon lowrider trucks with their long permed hair. Ben thinks that style is dorky. So does Juan.

I sat behind Ben in the back seat but, like, kitty corner. So I could see him and M. couldn't and so M. was mad. Juan sat in the front seat because he refused to sit by M. and because he called shotgun before anyone else. Which was not very gentlemanly, but who gives? So, after a while, M. asked if we could stop cuz she wanted to get something to eat at the mini mart. She bought Ho Hos.

After M. bought the Ho Hos I still didn't move over. I think that wuz supposed to be my cue to change seats, but it wuz really fun hanging out with Ben again and he makes me laugh til stuff squirts out my nose. I promise I don't like him anymore, though!

So, M. was still sitting right behind Ben who was teasing me but not really paying attention to her, but then he busted on her. He's like that, he just jokes around a lot.

So, M. reached around his head and smashed the Ho Hos into his face and he couldn't see the road. He had Ho Ho in his hair and hanging from his eyelashes and all up his nostrils while M. laughed like a total loon.

Man, he was P.O.ed! I've actually never seen Ben mad. And, he doesn't even get red after doing sports (I totally turn all red when I work out). So he turned red and I was like, OH CRAP! I just faced forward. Because I think he was only hanging out with us because I asked him to.

I didn't say anything and Juan didn't say anything and Ben just sat there, breathing. I watched his chest go up and down. M. sort of took a deep breath because I think she was out of air, laughing that hard.

That little car got really quiet. Well, as quiet as it can be. It's a really old car. I don't know what kind it is, but it it gray and small and it rattles all the time, and it reminds me of a lunch box.

I think I'm going to start crushing up meds for M. and putting them in her pop. Or her Ho Hos.

choking up - 11.03.88

Not much news except I'm totally sprung over Matt. My feelings for Ben are almost gone. It's a relief but I feel so empty. I mean, he's a good friend but it's weird to test myself for those feelings and not feel them anymore.

Phoebe unconsciously helped. She flirted with him like crazy and he responded. If he felt anything more than friendship for me, he wouldn't have responded to Phoebe. Besides, why wouldn't he like her better? My family is a mess and hers is totally churchy and rich. Plus, she is a flirt and I feel awkward flirting unless I only like the guy for a friend. Anna says she will teach me how to flirt. Anyway, it only took so much hurt for me to consciously decide I couldn't like him anymore. I know I've decided this before, but this time I mean it. Plus I'm older now and better at controlling my emotions.

It's funny how I can choke up my emotions until I forget they're still there. I just feel so dead. And the whole thing was my idea. I started it by saying how much I liked Matt. Then, I believed it. Then, I decided not to like Ben because it hurt so bad. I don't think I could fall for him again. I kind of have to ignore him a little though, because I'm not that good at faking things yet. Everything came to a point last Sunday and now whenever we see each other I think we can both feel the wedge I've forced into our friendship.

I kinda wonder if we're even friends. I'm listening to my mix tape right now. My favorite songs are Sheriff, "When I'm With You;" Poison, "Every Rose has Its Thorn," White Lion, "When the Children Cry," Tiffany, "All this Time" and "The Promise." I had so many dreams and they're gone now. Over Thanksgiving break, I get to go see my brother who is away at college. He knows how to cheer me up and I bet he could give me some good guy advice. Gotta scoot.

introducing....Mikare Night! - 10.24.88

This weekend was pretty cool except Sunday. Friday night I went to the movies with Anna and then we snuck into the football game at THS. We went to the football game because the movie was so boring. It was called Roger Rabbit. Why would anyone make a movie about a stupid rabbit? DUH. We're in high school, now! Cartoons are for middle school.

I'd rather see Gone with the Wind. I just finished the book, but I rewrote the ending because I wanted Scarlett and Rhett to end up together. They're too perfect with each other.

All of my books are going to have happy endings. Of course, unless I'm an actress. I'd rather be an actress than an author, because then when you're finished working, people actually clap for you. I was in a play last fall and it was mass cool! I can see why people can't stop acting once they start, even though they end up getting anorexic and addicted to drugs.

I wish I were anorexic. I can't be, though. I love food! But, if I'm an actress or a writer, I'm going to change my name. My name will be Mikare (pronounced Me - car - ree) Night or Mikare Delsa Anaqueese.

My dance class last year had a girl in it named Mikare and she was a great dancer! She told me she was bulimic. She could totally barf at will. I'm petrified of vomiting, so I can't be a bulimic either.

It's too bad, really. The holidays are coming up and I'm going to need to lose some weight in January because I totally eat mass shortbread cookies during Christmas. I'm not even going to try not to. I'm crazed for shortbread!

Anyway, THS was playing CHS on the NTHS field because the THS field is lame. At the game I saw Matt. Anna was totally sprung over Matt last summer but she's over him. At least, she says she's over him. I met a different guy who just came up and said hi and we just started talking. But I don't like him for more than a friend. I didn't get to talk to Matt that much and I couldn't see because I didn't have my contacts in.

So I have no idea who won the game but it's not like I care. Football is so boring. I just go because the football players line up with their butts to the stands. I'm such a perv! All I can say is Matt looks great in his marching band uniform even though marching band is dorky. Matt is one of those cool people who can pull off being in marching band, which is saying something. Like, totally wow.

Then on Saturday, me and Anna went to the dance and I had a blast! Mostly I danced with Ben and Charles but I also danced with a bunch of guys I met during the play. I totally miss them! At least we can hang out at dances because they don't go to NTHS. It was kinda fun but I made my decision then and there that I can't handle loving Ben anymore. I can't stand seeing him with other girls...looking at them the same way he looks at me, making all the times we've totally hung out seem normal and routine.

What I need is a distraction. Because Anna swears she's not sprung on Matt anymore, I could totally like him in a strictly flirtational sort of way. We met last summer and he totally flirted with me and I thought maybe he liked me then but it turns out he flirts with most everyone just because he can.

So, that's fair. I know I can't convince Anna that I'm over Ben, but I can convince everyone else. I've always been attracted to Matt. He has the dorky soccer player hair cut, but his eyes are an intense shade of blue like Ben's. And, he's mass fun.

Sunday was pretty bad. And stupid. I don't know if there is a God. And I'm so sick of the cliques at church that I could actually barf. Today was just another Monday. Totally boring. Besides, I need to stop writing. I'm getting a callous on my right hand that looks like a wart.

of headaches and heartaches = 10.20.88

It seems like not one day goes by without me getting a headache or a heartache! I know, how corny. Yesterday, Ben really dressed up. He looked so good. And, he smelled amazing.

I try not to be sprung over him because Phoebe likes him mass, but I can't help it. Those eyes! They're this really deep blue and he has these long silky bangs the same length as the rest of his hair (all the other guys have dorky soccer hair cuts - permed and long in the back and short on top, so nerdy!) and his hair is so blonde and I just want to run my fingers through it.

Anyway, after school, he invited me to study with him. (We usually do something together every day for about two hours). He invited me even though he didn't have to. He is so sweet, and gorgeous. We didn't study. We talked... and talked and talked. We talked about so many things and he's so fun to be wtih and so fun to look at!

Today, though, we didn't see very much of each other. We didn't go running with our dogs or study or anything. Everything we do seems to be based on Biology or training our dogs: STRICTLY BUSINESS. But that is not what I feel when we are together. We are good friends. Besides my brother, Ben's my best friend who's a guy. I like that and I don't want it to change.

I had an argument with my parents and my mom is so tight! She feels the same way about me. It's pretty awful and me and my dad go at it pretty often too. I'm trying to be patient with them but not hard enough.

Anna's mom got in an accident last night. She is in the hospital! Anna is coming to stay the weekend with me. Anna hopes her mom uses the accident money to get a cool car and to go to Hawaii. Anna promises I can go, too. FUN. There's a dance this Saturday. What a great weekend!