and so it, like, turns out that guys are mass stupid... 04.19.1989

I'm sitting (actually, laying) here on my daybed listening to my stereo (my Heart tape) So, today M. called me and she told me that she talked to Charles.

It turns out that Charles really just loves me like a sister, but he doesn't want me to go out with Rob because he knows that Rob is a perv and has done a LOT of stuff with girls. And I haven't even been kissed for real yet, on the collarbones.

So what if Charles thinks dating Rob is too risky? Why are they friends then? Although, I guess if even your best friend thinks you're a perv, then you probably are a perv.

And why was I so stupid to feel all giddy about Rob and so special that Charles loved me, when really NONE of it was romantic. I THOUGHT it was romantic. But one type of love is perv-love and the other type of love is church-love and so none of it was love-love. Guys are so mass stupid, and I'm stupid to have thought they were not stupid.

I'm done with this. I'm going to be tough! I'm going to flirt and have fun and not care. "When you finally come knocking, there'll be nobody home." But that sounds so boring. And I really do want to be kissed on the collar bones! What should I do?

these five words i swear to you 04.02.1989

"I'll be there for you" by Bon Jovi is playing on the stereo. (KUBE, my favorite station). I've been cleaning my room cuz it looked like a nuclear war testing zone. I love this song so much. It's so sweet!

Chorus:

I'll be there for you. These five words I swear to you. When you breathe I wanna be the air for you. I'll be there for you. I'd live and I'd die for you, Steal the sun from the sky for you. Words can't say what love can do. I'll be there for you.

Sometimes I go over to Anna's and we watch Mtv and I see Jon Bon Jovi singing his guts out and I pretend he's singing just to me. Or that someone like him is singing to me. Or maybe some guy out there is at least listening to him sing the song and thinking of me. Or something.

You know, if he didn't use the contraction, it would be six words and it would ruin the chorus. "These six words I swear to you" just doesn't sound the same. Thank goodness for the apostrophe!

I was supposed to go out with my friends this weekend, but it didn't work out. They're setting me up with this guy who is the president of our class. And he has a Beamer. He's very smart and good looking. It's a little intimidating. Oh, and he's Matt's best friend, so we could double with u-know-who.

Something else funny about that song. If someone were the air for me when I was breathing, would I actually be breathing carbon dioxide and like, die because it would be like breathing in fumes? It sounds romantic, like suicide because of a broken heart, but it's probably just messy. Or stinky. Or uncomfortable. Like love.

It's just as well going out this weekend didn't work out. I could've fallen in love for real and then I would've died of a broken heart, or poisoning.