a whole summer without drama...June 1989

What am I going to do for a whole summer without drama? Drama has been my security blanket, the theater my home, "Bye Bye Birdie" my life. And now that it's over I'm vegetating and trying to put off choices and decisions I need to make.

I've quit going to church for at least eight weeks. It's been heaven even though I'll probably burn in hell for it. How ironic. Ahhh, those fiery gates. Actually, we don't believe in fiery gates, or pearly ones for that matter - or any gates at all that I can think of, at least literally anyway.

Of course, I plan on going back. Dad said I can take my time. I think he'd quit church, too, if he could. He kind of already has quit. He just goes and sits in the hallway and talks to people during class. That's not actually going to church. I mean, technically it is but I don't think you get any heaven points for it.

I told Dad I'll go back to church when all the clicky [sic] perfect girls with their huge families and "beyond a shadow of a doubt" testimonies keel over and become worm infested corpses. Nah. I'm just joshin'! Dad said that the church is true but the people aren't. What the hell is that supposed to mean? That the building itself is plumb but the people are six ways from Sunday?

So I said, "It's called the Church of Latter Day Saints. Aren't they supposed to act like Saints, then?" He said we're supposed to TRY to act like saints. Well, I'm not going to act like one and feel all bored and excluded if the people who actually think they fit that description are all stuck up and annoying and think they rule the universe. Which they DON'T. DUH. Blech.

Here are MY future dreams. A successful career in Psychology and a senior trip to Australia with a passionate love affair where someone finally kisses me on the collarbones. A sidelight of singing and acting, a beautiful, clean, clear glass flat shared with Anna/Tina* and Emily/Renee until we all marry and have some rug rat brats. Just Kidding!

More recent dreams: ski school, losing weight, taking up the offer to model hair styles for Mark Ford from Totally You! I think I need to lose like 50 pounds first, so my cheek bones really stick out! Good grades next year, vocal lessons and a thriving acting education in Performing Arts. Good friends. Good times!

My goals for tomorrow: running, Diary Queen application, long not serious talks with Anna/Tina.

at long last...June 1989

I OFFICIALLY have a boyfriend. I know, it's shocking, isn't it? Silas and I are a happy couple. I miss him whenever we're apart.

He's VP of the sophomore class, good looking, respectful, kind, and he actually showed me what the inside of a BMW looks like because his Mom drove us to the movies. I didn't want to be totally tacky, but I was in awe the whole time. "So, this is what rich people ride around in all day," was what I kept thinking.

More than anything, though, he's just a really sweet human being. He kept writing notes to me and I kept writing back (during Algebra. I think I failed Algebra) and then he asked me to the movies and then he asked me out.

He didn't hold my hand at the movies. I was like, sheesh, I'm finally out on a date with a guy and my hand is sitting RIGHT there on the armrest and he didn't grab it. I started to feel dumb but then I thought it would be obvious if I put it back in my lap.

So the whole movie, all I could think was that my hand was on the armrest and I have NO idea what the movie was about or anything. I could just see my very white hand glowing from the light of the movie screen and smell the popcorn I couldn't eat. Everything felt oily and weird.

So, even having a boyfriend doesn't make the whole love thing any easier. So much for getting kissed on the collarbones! Oh well, maybe we'll date until we're seniors and by then, at prom, he'll kiss me, just once, on the collarbones. I might even have to ask him to. I wonder if there is such thing as being TOO respectful.

And he's Matt's best friend. And I think Emily is going to dump Matt for a totally jerky sophomore. So much for double dating! Anyway, Silas feels things really deeply and he's passionate about all the important things and he's really caring.

Sometimes I think a friendship would be better for us because although I love him with all my heart, I'm not IN love. He wears his shirts buttoned up and his shorts always look freshly ironed. His loafers are like this super soft leather, without any marks from water, which is hard to do cause it rains constantly.

He's as careful as he is caring - I feel like he wants me to be fragile. He's so gentle with me. He never raises his voice. And I'm not like that - couldn't be if I tried. He's a dream come true for my parents, not that I've let him see my house. When we went to the movies, he picked me up at Emily's. He just cannot know what my house looks like. I don't think he'd care, but I think his parents would care, and I DEFINITELY care.

Ben and Charles say he's stuffy, but I think he's going places. And the thing is, I want to get out of here. Our city is small, and it's like a little bedroom community that's an island inside of the Capitol, but nothing ever happens here. It has really picked up since I started high school, but football games and plays and all that stuff only goes so far. I'm not ready for life to end with graduation.

No one knows that I'm not crazy in love with Silas except Anna. Kir and Kri say we're the sweetest couple. So nice and smart without being geeky. I could date him forever and ever without it ever going anywhere, and yet he's the only guy I've met here who plans to move away and do something else somewhere else.

I would never hurt Silas in any way, not intentionally, not inadvertently, not ever. And he's REALLY super great! After all, life is WONDERFUL!

introducing....Mikare Night! - 10.24.88

This weekend was pretty cool except Sunday. Friday night I went to the movies with Anna and then we snuck into the football game at THS. We went to the football game because the movie was so boring. It was called Roger Rabbit. Why would anyone make a movie about a stupid rabbit? DUH. We're in high school, now! Cartoons are for middle school.

I'd rather see Gone with the Wind. I just finished the book, but I rewrote the ending because I wanted Scarlett and Rhett to end up together. They're too perfect with each other.

All of my books are going to have happy endings. Of course, unless I'm an actress. I'd rather be an actress than an author, because then when you're finished working, people actually clap for you. I was in a play last fall and it was mass cool! I can see why people can't stop acting once they start, even though they end up getting anorexic and addicted to drugs.

I wish I were anorexic. I can't be, though. I love food! But, if I'm an actress or a writer, I'm going to change my name. My name will be Mikare (pronounced Me - car - ree) Night or Mikare Delsa Anaqueese.

My dance class last year had a girl in it named Mikare and she was a great dancer! She told me she was bulimic. She could totally barf at will. I'm petrified of vomiting, so I can't be a bulimic either.

It's too bad, really. The holidays are coming up and I'm going to need to lose some weight in January because I totally eat mass shortbread cookies during Christmas. I'm not even going to try not to. I'm crazed for shortbread!

Anyway, THS was playing CHS on the NTHS field because the THS field is lame. At the game I saw Matt. Anna was totally sprung over Matt last summer but she's over him. At least, she says she's over him. I met a different guy who just came up and said hi and we just started talking. But I don't like him for more than a friend. I didn't get to talk to Matt that much and I couldn't see because I didn't have my contacts in.

So I have no idea who won the game but it's not like I care. Football is so boring. I just go because the football players line up with their butts to the stands. I'm such a perv! All I can say is Matt looks great in his marching band uniform even though marching band is dorky. Matt is one of those cool people who can pull off being in marching band, which is saying something. Like, totally wow.

Then on Saturday, me and Anna went to the dance and I had a blast! Mostly I danced with Ben and Charles but I also danced with a bunch of guys I met during the play. I totally miss them! At least we can hang out at dances because they don't go to NTHS. It was kinda fun but I made my decision then and there that I can't handle loving Ben anymore. I can't stand seeing him with other girls...looking at them the same way he looks at me, making all the times we've totally hung out seem normal and routine.

What I need is a distraction. Because Anna swears she's not sprung on Matt anymore, I could totally like him in a strictly flirtational sort of way. We met last summer and he totally flirted with me and I thought maybe he liked me then but it turns out he flirts with most everyone just because he can.

So, that's fair. I know I can't convince Anna that I'm over Ben, but I can convince everyone else. I've always been attracted to Matt. He has the dorky soccer player hair cut, but his eyes are an intense shade of blue like Ben's. And, he's mass fun.

Sunday was pretty bad. And stupid. I don't know if there is a God. And I'm so sick of the cliques at church that I could actually barf. Today was just another Monday. Totally boring. Besides, I need to stop writing. I'm getting a callous on my right hand that looks like a wart.

of headaches and heartaches = 10.20.88

It seems like not one day goes by without me getting a headache or a heartache! I know, how corny. Yesterday, Ben really dressed up. He looked so good. And, he smelled amazing.

I try not to be sprung over him because Phoebe likes him mass, but I can't help it. Those eyes! They're this really deep blue and he has these long silky bangs the same length as the rest of his hair (all the other guys have dorky soccer hair cuts - permed and long in the back and short on top, so nerdy!) and his hair is so blonde and I just want to run my fingers through it.

Anyway, after school, he invited me to study with him. (We usually do something together every day for about two hours). He invited me even though he didn't have to. He is so sweet, and gorgeous. We didn't study. We talked... and talked and talked. We talked about so many things and he's so fun to be wtih and so fun to look at!

Today, though, we didn't see very much of each other. We didn't go running with our dogs or study or anything. Everything we do seems to be based on Biology or training our dogs: STRICTLY BUSINESS. But that is not what I feel when we are together. We are good friends. Besides my brother, Ben's my best friend who's a guy. I like that and I don't want it to change.

I had an argument with my parents and my mom is so tight! She feels the same way about me. It's pretty awful and me and my dad go at it pretty often too. I'm trying to be patient with them but not hard enough.

Anna's mom got in an accident last night. She is in the hospital! Anna is coming to stay the weekend with me. Anna hopes her mom uses the accident money to get a cool car and to go to Hawaii. Anna promises I can go, too. FUN. There's a dance this Saturday. What a great weekend!