Not much news except I'm totally sprung over Matt. My feelings for Ben are almost gone. It's a relief but I feel so empty. I mean, he's a good friend but it's weird to test myself for those feelings and not feel them anymore.
Phoebe unconsciously helped. She flirted with him like crazy and he responded. If he felt anything more than friendship for me, he wouldn't have responded to Phoebe. Besides, why wouldn't he like her better? My family is a mess and hers is totally churchy and rich. Plus, she is a flirt and I feel awkward flirting unless I only like the guy for a friend. Anna says she will teach me how to flirt. Anyway, it only took so much hurt for me to consciously decide I couldn't like him anymore. I know I've decided this before, but this time I mean it. Plus I'm older now and better at controlling my emotions.
It's funny how I can choke up my emotions until I forget they're still there. I just feel so dead. And the whole thing was my idea. I started it by saying how much I liked Matt. Then, I believed it. Then, I decided not to like Ben because it hurt so bad. I don't think I could fall for him again. I kind of have to ignore him a little though, because I'm not that good at faking things yet. Everything came to a point last Sunday and now whenever we see each other I think we can both feel the wedge I've forced into our friendship.
I kinda wonder if we're even friends. I'm listening to my mix tape right now. My favorite songs are Sheriff, "When I'm With You;" Poison, "Every Rose has Its Thorn," White Lion, "When the Children Cry," Tiffany, "All this Time" and "The Promise." I had so many dreams and they're gone now. Over Thanksgiving break, I get to go see my brother who is away at college. He knows how to cheer me up and I bet he could give me some good guy advice. Gotta scoot.
Showing posts with label Matt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Matt. Show all posts
introducing....Mikare Night! - 10.24.88
This weekend was pretty cool except Sunday. Friday night I went to the movies with Anna and then we snuck into the football game at THS. We went to the football game because the movie was so boring. It was called Roger Rabbit. Why would anyone make a movie about a stupid rabbit? DUH. We're in high school, now! Cartoons are for middle school.
I'd rather see Gone with the Wind. I just finished the book, but I rewrote the ending because I wanted Scarlett and Rhett to end up together. They're too perfect with each other.
All of my books are going to have happy endings. Of course, unless I'm an actress. I'd rather be an actress than an author, because then when you're finished working, people actually clap for you. I was in a play last fall and it was mass cool! I can see why people can't stop acting once they start, even though they end up getting anorexic and addicted to drugs.
I wish I were anorexic. I can't be, though. I love food! But, if I'm an actress or a writer, I'm going to change my name. My name will be Mikare (pronounced Me - car - ree) Night or Mikare Delsa Anaqueese.
My dance class last year had a girl in it named Mikare and she was a great dancer! She told me she was bulimic. She could totally barf at will. I'm petrified of vomiting, so I can't be a bulimic either.
It's too bad, really. The holidays are coming up and I'm going to need to lose some weight in January because I totally eat mass shortbread cookies during Christmas. I'm not even going to try not to. I'm crazed for shortbread!
Anyway, THS was playing CHS on the NTHS field because the THS field is lame. At the game I saw Matt. Anna was totally sprung over Matt last summer but she's over him. At least, she says she's over him. I met a different guy who just came up and said hi and we just started talking. But I don't like him for more than a friend. I didn't get to talk to Matt that much and I couldn't see because I didn't have my contacts in.
So I have no idea who won the game but it's not like I care. Football is so boring. I just go because the football players line up with their butts to the stands. I'm such a perv! All I can say is Matt looks great in his marching band uniform even though marching band is dorky. Matt is one of those cool people who can pull off being in marching band, which is saying something. Like, totally wow.
Then on Saturday, me and Anna went to the dance and I had a blast! Mostly I danced with Ben and Charles but I also danced with a bunch of guys I met during the play. I totally miss them! At least we can hang out at dances because they don't go to NTHS. It was kinda fun but I made my decision then and there that I can't handle loving Ben anymore. I can't stand seeing him with other girls...looking at them the same way he looks at me, making all the times we've totally hung out seem normal and routine.
What I need is a distraction. Because Anna swears she's not sprung on Matt anymore, I could totally like him in a strictly flirtational sort of way. We met last summer and he totally flirted with me and I thought maybe he liked me then but it turns out he flirts with most everyone just because he can.
So, that's fair. I know I can't convince Anna that I'm over Ben, but I can convince everyone else. I've always been attracted to Matt. He has the dorky soccer player hair cut, but his eyes are an intense shade of blue like Ben's. And, he's mass fun.
Sunday was pretty bad. And stupid. I don't know if there is a God. And I'm so sick of the cliques at church that I could actually barf. Today was just another Monday. Totally boring. Besides, I need to stop writing. I'm getting a callous on my right hand that looks like a wart.
I'd rather see Gone with the Wind. I just finished the book, but I rewrote the ending because I wanted Scarlett and Rhett to end up together. They're too perfect with each other.
All of my books are going to have happy endings. Of course, unless I'm an actress. I'd rather be an actress than an author, because then when you're finished working, people actually clap for you. I was in a play last fall and it was mass cool! I can see why people can't stop acting once they start, even though they end up getting anorexic and addicted to drugs.
I wish I were anorexic. I can't be, though. I love food! But, if I'm an actress or a writer, I'm going to change my name. My name will be Mikare (pronounced Me - car - ree) Night or Mikare Delsa Anaqueese.
My dance class last year had a girl in it named Mikare and she was a great dancer! She told me she was bulimic. She could totally barf at will. I'm petrified of vomiting, so I can't be a bulimic either.
It's too bad, really. The holidays are coming up and I'm going to need to lose some weight in January because I totally eat mass shortbread cookies during Christmas. I'm not even going to try not to. I'm crazed for shortbread!
Anyway, THS was playing CHS on the NTHS field because the THS field is lame. At the game I saw Matt. Anna was totally sprung over Matt last summer but she's over him. At least, she says she's over him. I met a different guy who just came up and said hi and we just started talking. But I don't like him for more than a friend. I didn't get to talk to Matt that much and I couldn't see because I didn't have my contacts in.
So I have no idea who won the game but it's not like I care. Football is so boring. I just go because the football players line up with their butts to the stands. I'm such a perv! All I can say is Matt looks great in his marching band uniform even though marching band is dorky. Matt is one of those cool people who can pull off being in marching band, which is saying something. Like, totally wow.
Then on Saturday, me and Anna went to the dance and I had a blast! Mostly I danced with Ben and Charles but I also danced with a bunch of guys I met during the play. I totally miss them! At least we can hang out at dances because they don't go to NTHS. It was kinda fun but I made my decision then and there that I can't handle loving Ben anymore. I can't stand seeing him with other girls...looking at them the same way he looks at me, making all the times we've totally hung out seem normal and routine.
What I need is a distraction. Because Anna swears she's not sprung on Matt anymore, I could totally like him in a strictly flirtational sort of way. We met last summer and he totally flirted with me and I thought maybe he liked me then but it turns out he flirts with most everyone just because he can.
So, that's fair. I know I can't convince Anna that I'm over Ben, but I can convince everyone else. I've always been attracted to Matt. He has the dorky soccer player hair cut, but his eyes are an intense shade of blue like Ben's. And, he's mass fun.
Sunday was pretty bad. And stupid. I don't know if there is a God. And I'm so sick of the cliques at church that I could actually barf. Today was just another Monday. Totally boring. Besides, I need to stop writing. I'm getting a callous on my right hand that looks like a wart.
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