a painful past that really isn't my past and really isn't painful...June 1989

Ok, so Silas's real name is Burgess. It's just an uncommon name, and I was trying to spare him. But, there you go. Now no one has to wonder.

Burgess has a strong emotional hold on me. We've been through a lot together. Ok, well, not so much. I just met him last semester. But, we've been through a lot for such a short time.

Anyway, he's a large influence on my life at the moment. But I can keep my head about him. I guess this IS love. Because it's not lost and searching, it's not searing pain and elating happiness. It's comfort and sharing and so much more that I can't explain.

I have a painful past and so does he. He talks about his and I don't talk about mine because I don't know what's fake and made-up and what isn't. It's all weird and if he brings it up, I won't be able to explain and then he'll be hurt and I won't be able to fix that either.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to being blindly in love with Ben or physically crazy about Rob. They both hurt but they weren't confusing. I've stepped in to something with Burgess that I don't know if I can handle it or not. I'm always careful and on guard. AND he hasn't held my hand or kissed me. I mean, what is the point of going out if you're not going to KISS?

I miss nths and my friends there dreadfully. I no longer feel alone at ths. Although most of my friends there/here were seniors, and graduated. Still, that doesn't stop those pangs every time I hear a certain song on the radio or read old notes and see old (6 months ago!) pictures. I miss Roger and my close guy friends. I especially miss my comfortable clique. It was so easy.

I miss Mac and Mike and ski school and I can't wait to hit those slopes (literally - I can't actually ski). Mike FINALLY graduated. He was a truly bizarre person and a sweetheart. A lot like a teddy bear with vulgar habits. So endearing. And MAC: sensual, giving new dimensions to the word "BUF" and a complete a**hole but I couldn't help loving his perverted, sexy, overwhelming attentions. I haven't seen him for over 4 months. Long time.

Oh well. Times change & gotta move on.

at long last...June 1989

I OFFICIALLY have a boyfriend. I know, it's shocking, isn't it? Silas and I are a happy couple. I miss him whenever we're apart.

He's VP of the sophomore class, good looking, respectful, kind, and he actually showed me what the inside of a BMW looks like because his Mom drove us to the movies. I didn't want to be totally tacky, but I was in awe the whole time. "So, this is what rich people ride around in all day," was what I kept thinking.

More than anything, though, he's just a really sweet human being. He kept writing notes to me and I kept writing back (during Algebra. I think I failed Algebra) and then he asked me to the movies and then he asked me out.

He didn't hold my hand at the movies. I was like, sheesh, I'm finally out on a date with a guy and my hand is sitting RIGHT there on the armrest and he didn't grab it. I started to feel dumb but then I thought it would be obvious if I put it back in my lap.

So the whole movie, all I could think was that my hand was on the armrest and I have NO idea what the movie was about or anything. I could just see my very white hand glowing from the light of the movie screen and smell the popcorn I couldn't eat. Everything felt oily and weird.

So, even having a boyfriend doesn't make the whole love thing any easier. So much for getting kissed on the collarbones! Oh well, maybe we'll date until we're seniors and by then, at prom, he'll kiss me, just once, on the collarbones. I might even have to ask him to. I wonder if there is such thing as being TOO respectful.

And he's Matt's best friend. And I think Emily is going to dump Matt for a totally jerky sophomore. So much for double dating! Anyway, Silas feels things really deeply and he's passionate about all the important things and he's really caring.

Sometimes I think a friendship would be better for us because although I love him with all my heart, I'm not IN love. He wears his shirts buttoned up and his shorts always look freshly ironed. His loafers are like this super soft leather, without any marks from water, which is hard to do cause it rains constantly.

He's as careful as he is caring - I feel like he wants me to be fragile. He's so gentle with me. He never raises his voice. And I'm not like that - couldn't be if I tried. He's a dream come true for my parents, not that I've let him see my house. When we went to the movies, he picked me up at Emily's. He just cannot know what my house looks like. I don't think he'd care, but I think his parents would care, and I DEFINITELY care.

Ben and Charles say he's stuffy, but I think he's going places. And the thing is, I want to get out of here. Our city is small, and it's like a little bedroom community that's an island inside of the Capitol, but nothing ever happens here. It has really picked up since I started high school, but football games and plays and all that stuff only goes so far. I'm not ready for life to end with graduation.

No one knows that I'm not crazy in love with Silas except Anna. Kir and Kri say we're the sweetest couple. So nice and smart without being geeky. I could date him forever and ever without it ever going anywhere, and yet he's the only guy I've met here who plans to move away and do something else somewhere else.

I would never hurt Silas in any way, not intentionally, not inadvertently, not ever. And he's REALLY super great! After all, life is WONDERFUL!