the ten top reasons to overdose on nyquil. or be thankful. or whatever!

A lot to be grateful for lately, really. I'm surrounded by friends - the kind that keep my spirits up even when things go from bad to worse.

Mom gave me a book today. The title is (I'm not kidding you...) Joy! Puke-O-Rama. It's enough to make me want to overdose on Nyquil. But, I know she means well. I mean, I know I've got a lot to be thankful for, but I also have a lot to worry about, remember, and ponder.

Rob is over, for whatever that's worth. But Silas and I are doing great! We're not going out yet officially. We just keep passing notes.

This sophomore, who is actually good looking, told Emily to tell me that he likes me. I think Matt and Emily are going to break up because she likes this guy's (the sophomore's) best friend, who is also a sophomore. She says it's so much cooler to date a sophomore than a freshman.

I think Emily needs to get a grip, even though we're in the play together and she is so sweet to me. Matt is so nice and has those awesome, piercing blue eyes. But, it's not like I can tell Matt that I like him because Silas is his best friend. It's SO COMPLICATED.

The play is going great! SO much has happened! We went to Bellingham and stayed in hotels for a huge festival. I need a whole day just to write about that one weekend! But, I need some sleep. I haven't slept since Sunday night - 48 hours!

And, I still have to do some homework. Can you believe I've got a C in Algebra? It's almost a D! I've never had a C in anything in my life. It's AWESOME! I think my days of being a nerd are officially OVER.

pictionary, taboo, and another wild and crazy saturday night ...April 1989

Rob is over. And M. hates me for some reason only she understands. But, I'm still alive so I guess I'm ok. Besides, Rob wasn't in my age range and I go to Anna's soon for summer vacation. My brother will be home soon (from college) so that's good.

And I tried to pray last night. My mind kept wandering to homework and other school stuff and I kept apologizing because it must be like having a conversation with someone who just trails off all the time. Which my dad does a lot, so I know how irritating it is. I don't mean to be irreverent, but I really wonder what God does when my prayers sort of wander off. Does He take a break from listening to me, or does He know it's going to happen so He plans to do something else during that time? Or, is time different to Him, so He just fast forwards? Does He send an angel of some kind to come listen for a while until I focus again?

I hung out with Ben and Charles at their house tonight. We played Pictionary (I can guess, but not draw, so it's kind of pathetic) and then Phoebe came over and we played Taboo. It was really easy to figure out the words, even though we couldn't say any related words, because we've known each other so long. Like one word was "dentist" and we couldn't say tooth or drill or anything, but it didn't matter because Phoebe's dad is a dentist, so Charles yells, "Phoebe's dad!" and we guessed it right away.

Then, Phoebe had to go home cuz she has this wicked early curfew, so we all walked her home and chatted in the front yard and the sky didn't have any stars so it wasn't that romantic and I could tell Phoebe was walking close to Ben on purpose, which made me glad for the 400 millionth time that I'm over him. Then we walked back and had to go down this street called Ruddell Loop. It is really dark and super creepy with no lights and so Charles and Ben kept scaring me.

When we got back to Greenlawn Street, Ben and Charles made tapioca pudding, which I've never had before and I'll never be able to eat, because they pretended to sneeze it into their hands and acted like they puked it onto the counter. It was so NASTY, but funny. I'm one of the guys, and that's cool.

three deaths and a crying baby....april 1989

Well, I sat around all spring break and rotted. It wuz great! Anna came to visit and me and Charles are doing great again.

Then, things for Charles are a little hard right now. His grandfather died yesterday and I feel bad for him even though I don't understand what he's going through, really. I've never experienced the death of someone close to me.

My cousin died of leukemia but I didn't know him very well. They came all the way up from New Mexico because the hospital here specializes in leukemia treatment. Mom and Dad and me visited him in the hospital and he threw up green stuff. He was so weak, his Mom had to push him forward to throw up. She just sat there, watching him the whole time and holding the bowl for him and she never said a word. She just put her hand on his hair or his back.

We didn't stay very long. I know I shouldn't say this, but I was glad to go. I just stood there feeling stupid and grossed out and horrible because none of them looked like themselves in that awful lighting with those terrible plastic chairs and my uncle was so thin that he looked bent.

The only other time I've known someone who had to deal with death was when Sister Isabel's baby died and she moved away. I think staying here was too painful for her. I was so sad that she moved away but I knew I couldn't possibly feel how sad she was.

I thought of trying to get pregnant and giving her the baby, but it wouldn't have been her baby, for one thing. And for another, I would've had to do U KNOW WHAT which is exactly what she spent hours at church teaching us not to do until we're married.

And it's not like I can just go marry someone because I'm only 14 and then if we got married and I got pregnant and I gave the baby away, what then? The guy I married would know he just married a crazy person. Plus, then I'm stuck with a husband I only married so I could have a baby to give to someone else.

I suppose I could get married, get pregnant, not tell him, get divorced, give the baby to Sister Isabel, and run away. But I don't see her liking that very much, either. Like I said before, she wanted her own baby, not somebody else's.

Anyway, none of this gets me any closer to helping Charles or being there for him.

So, while I'm trying to be there for Charles like he always has been for me, I want to be real about it. Charles sez he is doing ok. He is more worried about his mom (it was her dad who died) and his little brother, who has cried pretty much constantly since his Grandpa died. Poor kid.

I think Charles's little brother is pretty emotional in general, though. He cried a lot as a baby, too. My mom took care of him once and he cried ALL DAY. I got so jealous of her paying so much attention to him that I pinched him. It's not like it made any difference in how much he cried. Sure, he cried even HARDER for a minute, but then it was back to the same old bawling.

What if I'm being fake to try to be there for Charles and understand? It's not like I have anything helpful to say or do. I'm trying to pull myself together but I guess not hard enough.

R.I.P R.P - and Chicago's on the stereo... 4.1989

Rob hasn't called me in a week. So I guess that's over. "She Drives Me Crazy" (Fine Young Cannibals) is my song for him, only I changed the "she" to "he." Oh well. R.I.P. Rob Parks.

I haven't talked to him or M. for forever, but Charles called, as usual, telling me Rob isn't good for me. Sometimes he really bugs me.

Kir and Kri and I all went to the mall today and I wished for the 400 millionth time that I was rich.

I'm feeling kind of depressed. Chicago is playing now, "You're not alone." But, I AM alone. At least, I want to be half the time. I don't want to worry or love anyone or have any responsibility. I just want to dream and sleep forever.

I watched Pretty in Pink tonight. It never fails. I cry every time, when he comes to the prom without a date. And when Duckie says he's not going to drive by on his bicycle anymore.

I guess the part that doesn't make me cry but hits pretty hard is when Molly Ringwald says, "I don't want you to see where I live." If I get a ride home from someone I don't know well, I totally have them drop me off at the two-story white house with pillars the next block over. My house is shack sized with broken windows and peeling paint and puddles in the driveway and cats and dandelions and shrubs the size of trees and dog poop in the front yard.

I'd rather live in Anna's trailer court than here. She says it's embarrassing to live in a trailer court, but at least her house is clean and her front yard is nice and her clothes don't stink like cat pee.

So, I love Pretty in Pink but I think it would be even more fun to watch with a boyfriend. When I have a boyfriend, my favorite movies to watch with him will be "Pretty in Pink," "Some Kind of Wonderful," and "Dirty Dancing." I LOVE those movies!

No way! "My Grandma and Your Grandma" is playing now. I'm totally gonna cry! Mac and me always sang this song and the ski lift even though I'd actually never heard it and I made up stupid words. I MISS IT ALL SOOOOOOO MUCH. He's probably up there skiing right now!

Holy CRAP! Now it's the Bangles' "Eternal Flame." SO pretty. I sang Mac to sleep with this song on the ski bus. I'm gonna die. I'm so romantically depressed!

Fine Young Cannibals - She Drives Me Crazy ORIGINAL

The Ski School Bus Theme... And my song for Mr. R.P. Oooh, isn't this video freaky? Mtv is so weird!

FYC, The Cure, and GC: an insert.... 04.02.1989

"She Drives Me Crazy" by the FIne Young Cannibals is on the stereo (KUBE). Mac used to always sing this song on the ski bus. Man I miss the ski bus! I should say I miss skiing but I miss the ski bus more. Hee hee.

I found these notes I took during General Conference for extra credit in seminary, but I never finished them so I might as well stick them in here. Dad said conference was boring. Nice example.

I also wrote Rob a note. He called me that night and I wuz so happy to talk to him, but I think I need to STOP thinking about him. I never can tell when he's serious. He tells me he loves me all the time, but he also is so full of crap that it drives me crazy!

I haven't run this week and I think I've gained weight. I look ENORMOUS. I'm going to lose 10 pounds by Friday if it kills me. Hello Slim Fast and Dexitrim! I have mass homework. Gotta go.

Are you joshin me? Rob just called. We talked for about a half an hour but Dad started getting on my case about phone curfew. He and mom have the DUMBEST rules.

He (Rob, not my Dad) is so totally RAD. Super smart and funny. Besides, someone who says he is nuts about you is totally irresistible. I think that's my favorite thing about him, matter of fact. And there's lots of fun things to choose from, especially that Charles gets so UPTIGHT about him.

Yup, love that he says he thinks he loves me. "What an attractive quality in a young man," as my mom would say. *ROLLING MY EYES right now.* Gek! She wants me to marry Charles, in case I haven't mentioned that. That's nice and all, but LATER Mom. Sheesh.

Reading back in this journal, I can see the brain rot happening. I've been spending all my time on drama and boys and plays and not enough on books. But I don't want to be a brainy nerdy lame-o anymore, so it's a tough call. Not really. HAH. Let me think, stupid old rhyming history in the Iliad or Mr. Robert P. himself - who - now that I think of it, makes me feel like listening to The Cure and curling up in a ball on the floor and actually enjoying it in some sick way. I totally heart being lovelorn. Mass. I'm NOT kidding.

So, forget the homework. I know it'll never work out with Rob, so might as well get started on some awesome lyrics about how much love sucks. Hahhahahahahahaha!

avoiding Ben... a PS from 04.20.1989

PS
This is the scene of the crime, and maybe the last place I will ever hear Ben's voice.

I think I'm avoiding Ben. Or maybe he's avoiding me. Not that I can blame him, after the smushed ho hos in the face while driving incident.

I had to call him later to apologize for M. But, she really needs a friend right now and he really doesn't want anything to do with her, so I can't hang out with them at the same time. Which means I get to see Charles but not Juan and Ben.

Why can't all of your friends like all of your other friends. I mean, don't they all at least have you in common?

deep thoughts of the sweet, bad, and spazzy 04.20.1989

"The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.” - Jack Handy

This is Jack!

My new green tinted contact cut my eyelid. I look all swollen and gross with one huge redish brown eye and a shrunken fake green eye, like hell's demon sister. I'm sure there's a deep thought to go with that, but I picked this one because it's about how silly boys can be, and that they don't get any less silly just because they get older. Note to self!

Rob called me today from WORK. But I promise I don't like him, cuz he's a perv. Actually, this is my stupid diary, so I'm going to say that I actually heart him 4-ever, but he is just a goof.

Me and Ben are going to have to throw another party. Maybe for spring break or something. Maybe this time someone besides his little brother will want to dance with me! Just joshin.

I've been thinking a lot lately, about how imperfect I am, about school and everything that goes on there, my family of strangers, my responsibilities. None of it goes as smoothly as I want it to.

The thing is, I'm not even muddling through. I'm NOT a good person. I make an effort to try to be innocent and sweet and a lot of the time I WANT to be innocent and sweet, but sometimes I want to be BAD. Sooooo bad! And I get these thoughts in my head, especially about guys. Always about guys.

Charles is always telling me that I'm too good for Rob (as in innocent) and he's always telling Rob that I'm too naive for him. And I can see why Charles feels threatened, but he doesn't want me right now so why does he bother? I mean, he told me that M. was not being entirely truthful, that he does love me, but I'm starting to think he's more than slightly messed up in the head.

And it's really crazy how I am about Rob when I never even LOOK at guys under the age of 17. Well maybe 16. Ben is 16 but I swear I don't like him anymore.

Well, I gotta kick or I'll be totally spazzy tomorrow.

and so it, like, turns out that guys are mass stupid... 04.19.1989

I'm sitting (actually, laying) here on my daybed listening to my stereo (my Heart tape) So, today M. called me and she told me that she talked to Charles.

It turns out that Charles really just loves me like a sister, but he doesn't want me to go out with Rob because he knows that Rob is a perv and has done a LOT of stuff with girls. And I haven't even been kissed for real yet, on the collarbones.

So what if Charles thinks dating Rob is too risky? Why are they friends then? Although, I guess if even your best friend thinks you're a perv, then you probably are a perv.

And why was I so stupid to feel all giddy about Rob and so special that Charles loved me, when really NONE of it was romantic. I THOUGHT it was romantic. But one type of love is perv-love and the other type of love is church-love and so none of it was love-love. Guys are so mass stupid, and I'm stupid to have thought they were not stupid.

I'm done with this. I'm going to be tough! I'm going to flirt and have fun and not care. "When you finally come knocking, there'll be nobody home." But that sounds so boring. And I really do want to be kissed on the collar bones! What should I do?