R.I.P R.P - and Chicago's on the stereo... 4.1989

Rob hasn't called me in a week. So I guess that's over. "She Drives Me Crazy" (Fine Young Cannibals) is my song for him, only I changed the "she" to "he." Oh well. R.I.P. Rob Parks.

I haven't talked to him or M. for forever, but Charles called, as usual, telling me Rob isn't good for me. Sometimes he really bugs me.

Kir and Kri and I all went to the mall today and I wished for the 400 millionth time that I was rich.

I'm feeling kind of depressed. Chicago is playing now, "You're not alone." But, I AM alone. At least, I want to be half the time. I don't want to worry or love anyone or have any responsibility. I just want to dream and sleep forever.

I watched Pretty in Pink tonight. It never fails. I cry every time, when he comes to the prom without a date. And when Duckie says he's not going to drive by on his bicycle anymore.

I guess the part that doesn't make me cry but hits pretty hard is when Molly Ringwald says, "I don't want you to see where I live." If I get a ride home from someone I don't know well, I totally have them drop me off at the two-story white house with pillars the next block over. My house is shack sized with broken windows and peeling paint and puddles in the driveway and cats and dandelions and shrubs the size of trees and dog poop in the front yard.

I'd rather live in Anna's trailer court than here. She says it's embarrassing to live in a trailer court, but at least her house is clean and her front yard is nice and her clothes don't stink like cat pee.

So, I love Pretty in Pink but I think it would be even more fun to watch with a boyfriend. When I have a boyfriend, my favorite movies to watch with him will be "Pretty in Pink," "Some Kind of Wonderful," and "Dirty Dancing." I LOVE those movies!

No way! "My Grandma and Your Grandma" is playing now. I'm totally gonna cry! Mac and me always sang this song and the ski lift even though I'd actually never heard it and I made up stupid words. I MISS IT ALL SOOOOOOO MUCH. He's probably up there skiing right now!

Holy CRAP! Now it's the Bangles' "Eternal Flame." SO pretty. I sang Mac to sleep with this song on the ski bus. I'm gonna die. I'm so romantically depressed!

Fine Young Cannibals - She Drives Me Crazy ORIGINAL

The Ski School Bus Theme... And my song for Mr. R.P. Oooh, isn't this video freaky? Mtv is so weird!

FYC, The Cure, and GC: an insert.... 04.02.1989

"She Drives Me Crazy" by the FIne Young Cannibals is on the stereo (KUBE). Mac used to always sing this song on the ski bus. Man I miss the ski bus! I should say I miss skiing but I miss the ski bus more. Hee hee.

I found these notes I took during General Conference for extra credit in seminary, but I never finished them so I might as well stick them in here. Dad said conference was boring. Nice example.

I also wrote Rob a note. He called me that night and I wuz so happy to talk to him, but I think I need to STOP thinking about him. I never can tell when he's serious. He tells me he loves me all the time, but he also is so full of crap that it drives me crazy!

I haven't run this week and I think I've gained weight. I look ENORMOUS. I'm going to lose 10 pounds by Friday if it kills me. Hello Slim Fast and Dexitrim! I have mass homework. Gotta go.

Are you joshin me? Rob just called. We talked for about a half an hour but Dad started getting on my case about phone curfew. He and mom have the DUMBEST rules.

He (Rob, not my Dad) is so totally RAD. Super smart and funny. Besides, someone who says he is nuts about you is totally irresistible. I think that's my favorite thing about him, matter of fact. And there's lots of fun things to choose from, especially that Charles gets so UPTIGHT about him.

Yup, love that he says he thinks he loves me. "What an attractive quality in a young man," as my mom would say. *ROLLING MY EYES right now.* Gek! She wants me to marry Charles, in case I haven't mentioned that. That's nice and all, but LATER Mom. Sheesh.

Reading back in this journal, I can see the brain rot happening. I've been spending all my time on drama and boys and plays and not enough on books. But I don't want to be a brainy nerdy lame-o anymore, so it's a tough call. Not really. HAH. Let me think, stupid old rhyming history in the Iliad or Mr. Robert P. himself - who - now that I think of it, makes me feel like listening to The Cure and curling up in a ball on the floor and actually enjoying it in some sick way. I totally heart being lovelorn. Mass. I'm NOT kidding.

So, forget the homework. I know it'll never work out with Rob, so might as well get started on some awesome lyrics about how much love sucks. Hahhahahahahahaha!

avoiding Ben... a PS from 04.20.1989

PS
This is the scene of the crime, and maybe the last place I will ever hear Ben's voice.

I think I'm avoiding Ben. Or maybe he's avoiding me. Not that I can blame him, after the smushed ho hos in the face while driving incident.

I had to call him later to apologize for M. But, she really needs a friend right now and he really doesn't want anything to do with her, so I can't hang out with them at the same time. Which means I get to see Charles but not Juan and Ben.

Why can't all of your friends like all of your other friends. I mean, don't they all at least have you in common?

deep thoughts of the sweet, bad, and spazzy 04.20.1989

"The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.” - Jack Handy

This is Jack!

My new green tinted contact cut my eyelid. I look all swollen and gross with one huge redish brown eye and a shrunken fake green eye, like hell's demon sister. I'm sure there's a deep thought to go with that, but I picked this one because it's about how silly boys can be, and that they don't get any less silly just because they get older. Note to self!

Rob called me today from WORK. But I promise I don't like him, cuz he's a perv. Actually, this is my stupid diary, so I'm going to say that I actually heart him 4-ever, but he is just a goof.

Me and Ben are going to have to throw another party. Maybe for spring break or something. Maybe this time someone besides his little brother will want to dance with me! Just joshin.

I've been thinking a lot lately, about how imperfect I am, about school and everything that goes on there, my family of strangers, my responsibilities. None of it goes as smoothly as I want it to.

The thing is, I'm not even muddling through. I'm NOT a good person. I make an effort to try to be innocent and sweet and a lot of the time I WANT to be innocent and sweet, but sometimes I want to be BAD. Sooooo bad! And I get these thoughts in my head, especially about guys. Always about guys.

Charles is always telling me that I'm too good for Rob (as in innocent) and he's always telling Rob that I'm too naive for him. And I can see why Charles feels threatened, but he doesn't want me right now so why does he bother? I mean, he told me that M. was not being entirely truthful, that he does love me, but I'm starting to think he's more than slightly messed up in the head.

And it's really crazy how I am about Rob when I never even LOOK at guys under the age of 17. Well maybe 16. Ben is 16 but I swear I don't like him anymore.

Well, I gotta kick or I'll be totally spazzy tomorrow.

and so it, like, turns out that guys are mass stupid... 04.19.1989

I'm sitting (actually, laying) here on my daybed listening to my stereo (my Heart tape) So, today M. called me and she told me that she talked to Charles.

It turns out that Charles really just loves me like a sister, but he doesn't want me to go out with Rob because he knows that Rob is a perv and has done a LOT of stuff with girls. And I haven't even been kissed for real yet, on the collarbones.

So what if Charles thinks dating Rob is too risky? Why are they friends then? Although, I guess if even your best friend thinks you're a perv, then you probably are a perv.

And why was I so stupid to feel all giddy about Rob and so special that Charles loved me, when really NONE of it was romantic. I THOUGHT it was romantic. But one type of love is perv-love and the other type of love is church-love and so none of it was love-love. Guys are so mass stupid, and I'm stupid to have thought they were not stupid.

I'm done with this. I'm going to be tough! I'm going to flirt and have fun and not care. "When you finally come knocking, there'll be nobody home." But that sounds so boring. And I really do want to be kissed on the collar bones! What should I do?

crazy love and strip poker, Mormon style 04.18.1989

Last night, me and Charles went to Rob's house and soooooooooooo much happened!

We (Rob and me) haven't seen each other for a long time, like four weeks or something. Ever since we met, me and Rob have been really close. It was like, an automatic reaction.

He has these light blue eyes and curly brown hair that hangs in his face and he's just really sweet to me and sincere and affectionate.

So, when we saw each other after that long, we couldn't really be separated. I talked to him about his girlfriend and I listened a lot.

M. was on the pone with Charles and she wuz telling him that me and Rob were going out, just to sike him. Which really ticked me off pretty bad cuz I don't want anyone messing with Charles.

Well, I thought Rob wuz just being a goof when he put is arms around me and held me a lot and kissed my hand and stuff. I thought he was being cute, cuz Charles says Rob is a player.

All night we talked and he showed me how to skateboard. I have the bruises to prove it!

All this tim, M. was asking Charles all these squestions about whether he liked me or not an dhe admitted that he LOVED me. Well, Rob is his best friend.

By this time - well let's just say I'm crazy about Rob - even if my age range for dating a guy goes from 17 - 25, and he's 13. Geez! I can't believe this. And he SKIIS. Yay!

Well, from here it gets confusing. Rob is telling me about this girl he likes a lot, and I'm trying to guess who it is so I can help him date her. Then he starts talking to Charles about something they won't let me hear, and it turns out that Rob genuinely likes me as much as Charles, who claims he loves me.

Rob tells Charles to find someone else because what we have is going to last forever. But, uh, what about his girlfriend? And, I'm so crazy about Rob that it's sick but I'm so close to Charles that everything turned upside down cuz Charles keeps saying that he loves me but I think he's always just loved me as a sister.

And when I see Matt at school, I still think he is so cute, but he's Emily's, and I'm supposed to go out with Matt's best friend. What is it with best friends liking the same people? It's stupid. And, I heart Rob! Whoah!

When everyone finally go off the phone we played strip poker, Mormon style, and I lost. Strip poker Mormon style is earrings, socks, shoes, sweaters, stuff like that. So, it's not like I did anything naughty.

But, I had so much fun last night and it is so confusing. When we got back to M.'s house, Charles called and spilled his guts to me about how he loves me. I told him we should wait on it because what we have is SO special.

I really do love Rob. Now I know what they mean by "crazy in love!"

love and medication ...04.17.1989

It's tough right now being M.'s friend because she's off her meds. I hope this changes soon. Sometimes we have a hard time relating except we're so much alike that we almost know each other's thoughts.

Let's get on with what's really bothering me.

Last night I spent the night at M's. She's in love MASS with Ben. Isn't that hilarious?

I'm really glad I'm finally over him. I know I've said that before, but it's true. Anyway, she wanted me to call Ben and ask him to take her cruzing. Well, I wanted to see R. really bad cuz we haven't hung out since before Christmas. He's been calling me and he wuz going to come over to M.'s house, which would be great becuz her Mom leaves us alone and mine are nosy.

But, I try to be a good friend, so I called Ben and he said sure. Ben took us cruzing downtown and made fun of the guys sitting on their neon lowrider trucks with their long permed hair. Ben thinks that style is dorky. So does Juan.

I sat behind Ben in the back seat but, like, kitty corner. So I could see him and M. couldn't and so M. was mad. Juan sat in the front seat because he refused to sit by M. and because he called shotgun before anyone else. Which was not very gentlemanly, but who gives? So, after a while, M. asked if we could stop cuz she wanted to get something to eat at the mini mart. She bought Ho Hos.

After M. bought the Ho Hos I still didn't move over. I think that wuz supposed to be my cue to change seats, but it wuz really fun hanging out with Ben again and he makes me laugh til stuff squirts out my nose. I promise I don't like him anymore, though!

So, M. was still sitting right behind Ben who was teasing me but not really paying attention to her, but then he busted on her. He's like that, he just jokes around a lot.

So, M. reached around his head and smashed the Ho Hos into his face and he couldn't see the road. He had Ho Ho in his hair and hanging from his eyelashes and all up his nostrils while M. laughed like a total loon.

Man, he was P.O.ed! I've actually never seen Ben mad. And, he doesn't even get red after doing sports (I totally turn all red when I work out). So he turned red and I was like, OH CRAP! I just faced forward. Because I think he was only hanging out with us because I asked him to.

I didn't say anything and Juan didn't say anything and Ben just sat there, breathing. I watched his chest go up and down. M. sort of took a deep breath because I think she was out of air, laughing that hard.

That little car got really quiet. Well, as quiet as it can be. It's a really old car. I don't know what kind it is, but it it gray and small and it rattles all the time, and it reminds me of a lunch box.

I think I'm going to start crushing up meds for M. and putting them in her pop. Or her Ho Hos.

Bon Jovi - I'll Be There For You

these five words i swear to you 04.02.1989

"I'll be there for you" by Bon Jovi is playing on the stereo. (KUBE, my favorite station). I've been cleaning my room cuz it looked like a nuclear war testing zone. I love this song so much. It's so sweet!

Chorus:

I'll be there for you. These five words I swear to you. When you breathe I wanna be the air for you. I'll be there for you. I'd live and I'd die for you, Steal the sun from the sky for you. Words can't say what love can do. I'll be there for you.

Sometimes I go over to Anna's and we watch Mtv and I see Jon Bon Jovi singing his guts out and I pretend he's singing just to me. Or that someone like him is singing to me. Or maybe some guy out there is at least listening to him sing the song and thinking of me. Or something.

You know, if he didn't use the contraction, it would be six words and it would ruin the chorus. "These six words I swear to you" just doesn't sound the same. Thank goodness for the apostrophe!

I was supposed to go out with my friends this weekend, but it didn't work out. They're setting me up with this guy who is the president of our class. And he has a Beamer. He's very smart and good looking. It's a little intimidating. Oh, and he's Matt's best friend, so we could double with u-know-who.

Something else funny about that song. If someone were the air for me when I was breathing, would I actually be breathing carbon dioxide and like, die because it would be like breathing in fumes? It sounds romantic, like suicide because of a broken heart, but it's probably just messy. Or stinky. Or uncomfortable. Like love.

It's just as well going out this weekend didn't work out. I could've fallen in love for real and then I would've died of a broken heart, or poisoning.