80s Adolescent Angst

Na na na na, hey hey hey, GOODBYE! (The final Russ entry)

2010-12-18T19:01:00.000-08:00

I'm not sorry to transcribe the last of the Russell saga. Not one bit. To celebrate THE END, I'm including a fun schematic, courtesy of Mikare Night, Inc.:

Yes, this is a baptismal font in the Seattle Temple, drawn to scale.* It is very important to note the location of the stick people. Also, be sure to admire how thorough it is...stairs, shoe and cloak room, men's lockers, counters...

Apparently, seating charts are the coin of the realm when you are 14 and boy crazy: "Will that special someone sit by me? If he sits by me, will he talk to me? If not, will some other, remotely attractive boy sit by me so I can flirt with him in hopes of making Mr. Special jealous?"

All while in the temple. Yup. That Mikare Night is a class act!

Diary Entry: July 20, 1989

We went to the temple today. When we got there, Tina said Russ kept staring at me and stuff. I caught his eye once or twice. Then we got down to the baptismal font and we had like a 45 minute wait.

Anyways, I was sitting in a chair in this long row (cue schematic, above) and Russ came and sat diagonal from me. We start talking. He keeps playing with my feet and touching my hand. He's such a flirt!

So we ate dinner together and spent practically the whole day together. Believe me, it was a laugh a minute!

That night he came over, but he mostly talked to Tina and stuff but we talked a little bit. I wanted to tell him I like him, but I chickened out.

That was the last time I ever saw Russ.

I decided that night, after going to the temple, that I had to go home and stay there and work things out with my family.

So Saturday we came home. Tina went to her Dad's and I went out with Renee and Kristy to Lakefair. And I finally went on the barf up rides for the first time!

This has been a summer of new experiences...

*When Mormons refer to doing "baptisms for the dead" in the temple, we're talking about acting as proxy for those (often loved ones) who have passed away. For example, I could take my deceased grandmother's name to the temple and go through the baptismal ordinance on her behalf. Nope, no dead bodies involved.

Because we believe in life after death, we believe that the person I've been baptized for can then choose to accept the baptism. It is always a choice.

It's the final countdown...to the last Russ entry (please, for the LOVE, let it END already...)

2010-12-15T21:18:00.001-08:00

If your New Year's resolution is to start a journal, or to journal more frequently, a word of warning:

Writing in a journal puts a long tail on REALLY insignificant things.

Had I actually married Russ, or at least seen him more than a few times, I suppose these entries would be very tender.

However... now we face the tedious finale to the Russ saga before we can get to more interesting material. Like my infatuation with Stryper and Milli Vanilli.

Diary Entry: July 11, 1989 (still...)

Tonight we had the Stake Interview to go to the Seattle temple.

Russ came a little late and he sat RIGHT BEHIND me and Tina. He was singing "If you don't know me by now" by Simply Red.

I felt all smiley inside because yesterday when he came over, I didn't know he was there, and I had Tina's radio on full blast. And when that song came on, I screamed and turned it up and started singing as loud as I could because I LOVE that song.

It felt like he was sending a special message. Nobody else knows about it, so it would only mean something to me.

Then again, he could just like the song.

But even if he just likes the song, I also LOVE the song and that makes it another sign that we are perfect for each other.

[Note from 2010: I just read the above paragraph to my husband and he said, "Wow. Who ARE you?"]

The meeting was mass cool. I felt guilty over a lot of things I have done. Stuff like lying about my age to some gorgeous guy or faking how I feel or hoping someone will kiss me on the collarbones really soon.

The first time I met Russ, something told me I was going to marry him. I've never written that in here before. But...

[Note from 2010: Ok, this is so barf-inducing that I cannot transcribe it for you. You're just going to have to read the real thing. Pukity puke pukeness...]

Goo. Blady blady. It goes on from here to say many more vomitous things about how great Russ is, and then it says this:

*warning* *warning* *warning*

A little piece of advice [for my daughters]:

Pay attention to "whatsherface." If some woman lives in the same town with a guy you don't know and she tells you that the guy you don't know is a womanizer, she might just be right.

Even if the guy is capable of having a deep spiritual conversation about where the moon comes up (wait for it), you should still run. Run very fast.

Here is the bit about the moon coming up:

As if this particular entry weren't humiliating enough, I've opted to include its stunningly embarrassing conclusion.

My husband insisted. And, because he's had to listen to these stupid entries about Russ for over a week now, I'm obliging him.

It pains me.

Here's why:

You heard it here.

When your heart and your brain change places (and when memories smile all by themselves) the world you call your life runs smoother.

"And now you know."

The return of (drumroll+curtains+applause, please) Mikare Night!

2010-12-13T22:25:00.000-08:00

I'm not making this stuff up, people.

Less than two weeks before I turned 15, I created a new name for myself. Not just any name. Not a cutesy-tootsy nickname. None of that for me. This was serious.

Why?

Because I thought I would soon be an actress. You have to say that word a specific way. Heavy emphasis on the "ACT" part. Like this: ACT-tress.

I'm not sure why I thought I would be an actress. I certainly wasn't doing any acting at the time. I'd had one line in one play, or something.

This is the name (and the reason I chose it). Both equally asinine, and not just a little troubling.

Did you catch that? The name, the signature, the pronunciation. And the reason?

"I like it. It sounds British."

I might just mention that I'd never been to the UK. I'd never been on an airplane. Or out of Washington. (Except to visit grandparents in Utah, which is pretty much the Mormon equivalent of a mothership. You beam there and back for food storage supplies every two years or so.)

Mikare Night, however inane, is still better than the moniker preceding it. Get ready for this, because it is deeply unsettling.

The name I first considered/coined was "Mikare Delsa Anaquees." I dreamt up that one because I thought it sounded Spanish.

Unwilling to part with either possibility, I practiced signatures for both:

Note: In case you thought you might be hallucinating, yes, the border of this page actually lists boys' names. Lest you believe I was crushing on ALL of them, I was actually thrilled to have guy friends. Writing down names was a way to pinch myself. These boys actually talked to me.

Wait. That's super creepy, right?

Just remember, we're still dealing with the legacy of the FF Poppy.

My favorite name on there? (Of course, a face doesn't come to mind). Check out the bottom right corner. Even back then, I didn't know the guy's last name, so I wrote "Nate" and then, parenthetically, so I would remember, "ski dude."

Ahhh. Ski dude. How I loved you! (I'm pretty sure I have a poem around here somewhere that actually says, "I'll see you on the slopes someday...")

THS versus NTHS

2010-12-10T23:40:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

Remember how, back in 1989, I transferred from NTHS to THS and it was a big sordid deal because the schools are huge rivals? And remember how Brian and Doug made fun of me for leaving NTHS for TimberSLIME?

Well, this proves I made the right decision. (So what that it's, like, 20 years later. Back then we had GREASE. In 2010, they have a flash mob of "Don't Stop Believing." It translates to the same thing...

That's right, all you haters. Timberline is MASS cool!

Google/Blogspot is like mass cool or something...

2010-12-09T21:14:00.001-08:00

So, it turns out you can check your stats and stuff on Blogspot.

I'm still about as tech savvy as I was in 1991 when I learned all the super cool fonts you could use on the Mac Classic II.

(I also learned there is a word for this. The word for the day is LUDDITE.)

Tonight I discovered something! Here's the big news:

I have a follower. WheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

I am so totally, massively excited. Her blog is Cassarole and I wish I could give her a special prize or something!

It also turns out that there are some posts on 80s angst that have had more hits than others.

In remembrance of Casey Kasem and the Top Forty list which ruled many a weekend for me back in the late 80s and early 90s, I'm (a tad narcissistically) listing the three posts that have topped the 80s Angst stats over the past few years.

I think I'm actually listing these because I'm so bored with the Russell story. Bored bored bored.

AT number 3 on today's countdown:

This one explains the FF Poppy (Fat Farting Poppy) problem which necessitated transferring from one high school to another.

Number two on today's countdown chronicles a very serious disease: ILWB/D (In Love With Ben aka Doug) Syndrome.

Number ONE on today's countdown marks the return of 80s Angst. Apparently, it took me a year to work up the courage to post this poem because it. is. so. pathetic.

Yup. I just created my own countdown of my(1989)self. I'm getting a little big for my britches. Or my hair.

Premonitions and Stupid Movies...Yet ANOTHER annoying Russ entry

2010-12-08T21:15:00.000-08:00

Despite the snooze-fest that I'm going to call the "Russell Period," I'm including this entry because it references "Three Men and a Baby" AND "The Man from Snowy River." CLASSIC 80s movies, especially for Mormons. Here we go:

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Diary Entry: Monday, July 10, 1989

Tina and her friend went swimming tonight, but I'd worked in the yard all day so I was a social dud and went to bed at 8pm. Good thing I did, cuz precisely at 8:04 pm, Tina's mom woke me up and goes - "Russ is here." I thought she was joking even though I had this feeling he'd come over. I couldn't handle not seeing him! Anyway, I go, "Oh, really?" like it doesn't matter.

Then, I remember the movie "Three Men and a Baby" is on so I go out into the living room. There's Russ. Ooooooooh boy. I have no make-up on, my hair is extremely flat and I'm in a tee-shirt that goes past my knees. But I act all non-chalant and say "hi" and everything.

Then Russ and I get into a big discussion about DRAMA - because he's actually into it! oh WOW. I've never met a guy so wonderful. And we're so perfect for each other.

Then he tells me that he's gong to rent "The Man from Snowy River" and do I want to come see it with him? I say "sure" and figure he means Tina too, so I tell him she's out with a friend - and he goes "Why should Tina come if she has a friend?"

I shouldn't say this, but it was TOTALLY RAD! He wanted to just be with me, right? Isn't that what that means?

So he leaves to get the movie and I go put on make-up because this is all very humiliating. And I'm all busy singing in Tina's room at the top of my voice and I haven't even changed yet. I haven't TOUCHED a curling iron to my hair. I walk out into the living room and Russ is back. SANTA VACA!

I go, "Where is everybody?" And he goes, "Tina's parents left to get Tina and her friend." And he wants to leave right then, but I don't feel good about just writing a note. So I stall and we keep watching "Three Men and a Baby" because there's supposed to be a ghost in it!

Tina gets home but I can tell Russ is anxious to leave and Tina is hungry so I ask Russ if he wants to just watch his movie there, at Tina's house so she can eat. And he says no, he's tired and wants to watch the movie at his house. I ask him if his parents and sister are there and he says yeah. I tell Tina to meet us there after she gets something to eat.

So we take off. Russ seems upset. I ask him what's wrong. He takes a while, but then he tells me he's annoyed with Tina. I think maybe he wanted her to come so I tell him I'll go. He says no. When we get to his house, his parents aren't home. I tell him we should go back to Tina's.

Instead, he takes me to the neighbor's house. We spend about a half hour over there. Russ plays with their little kids and I can't help thinking (again) how special he is. His parents show up at the neighbor's house but they start gabbing. Russ bugs them to go home so we can watch the movie, but they say they'll be home soon, so we go back to his place.

When we get to his house, he plays Nintendo for a little while and then the doorbell rings and it's Tina. I think, "Cool, she came to watch the movie" but I take another look at her face and I know I'm in trouble. Tina's parents didn't know where I was and Tina told them I was with Russ and they thought I was alone with him and so you can imagine what they thought. He's sixteen and I'm only fourteen but ALMOST fifteen. Still, I'm not allowed to date. Boy was Tina's mom angry! I felt awful!

When I left, Russ barely acknowledged it. Tina called him ask him why he was angry at her and he did not want to talk to me. I'm confused. I really care for Russ, so much it hurts! I know that is trite but it is true. I thought he wanted to spend time with me, but he was so rude.

It wouldn't surprise me if he was disappointed when he got to Tina's that I was the only one there. I think they had probably planned to hang out tonight but she stood him up to go swimming so then he was mad at her and thought he'd make her jealous by hanging out with me. What a JERK!

I guess I made a mess of everything but at least Tina really stuck up for me to her mom. I don't think it helped any. We stayed up all night talking and now it is 3:00am and so I have to go to sleep. I still can't figure out why I make such big stupid mistakes.

-------------------------------------------

What we can all see, what is so obvious to anyone not suffering from idiocy and hormones, is that Russ was a big POOTER HEAD. He was working the buddy system, in a not so charitable way.

Are you, like me, pleading: "PLEASE let the lightbulb that flickered ever so briefly stay ON. Let that tiny buzzing filament TAKE!"?

Ah, Rationality. My apologies to you. Your time was too short. And absurdly, predictably, doomed.

I know this will shock you, but I think there are at least two more entries about Russ.

The Church is TRUE in Yakima...

2010-12-05T19:55:00.001-08:00

You know, it is very interesting to me how often, at the age of 15, I went to church in Yakima. Because I did not go to church often at all when I was at home (in Lacey). I think it is because the church is *more true/truer* in Yakima. That MUST be it. It couldn't possibly have been because of all the (Yakima) boys who were mass cool...

Diary Entry: MORE of the longest stupidest entry on the planet

Sunday, July 9th - 1989

I got up early to get ready for church today. Russ and his family were there, which made me happy. =) He was up at the sacrament table and I kept sneaking looks at him and he kept looking down at our pew, but I'm sure he was looking at Tina.

After sacrament was over, Russ came and sat behind us because that's where his family was. I could tell Russ was watching me and Daniel (Tina's step brother) goof around. Russ sat directly behind me. It made me nervous. But I was in a singing mood, and he was singing right behind me. It's like we were singing together. A duet. It was WONDERFUL. Our voices blend so well! *Sigh*

Even though we were in church, I did wonder, just once, what it would feel like if Russ kissed my collar bones. Just once, though. I swear! And then I repented, really fast.

After the meeting, the Bishop dismissed all the Primary kids first. So Russ leans forward and tells me I better go with them. I just laughed at him.

Then I had to go have an interview with the Bishop because we're all going on a temple trip. I told the Bishop I hadn't been to church for a long time and what had been going on with my ward back in Lacey. He gave me a few pointers, but he let me go to the temple!

It felt really good when the Bishop asked me if I was morally clean. I could look straight in his eyes and say "Yes, I am!" But afterward I felt like bawling because I am so wicked! I mean, just five seconds before I was dreaming about Russ kissing my collar bones!

I am going to try so hard to be good. AND lose 40 pounds. Russ is almost constantly on my mind. Almost everything makes me think of him. The more I get to know him, the more I like his wonderful personality.

Well, gotta scram!

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Note from 2010: *LOVE* that trying to be good, losing 40 pounds, and obsessing over a boy occupy the same thought/paragraph/brain matter.

The list of GOALS below is part of the same entry. This list is most DEFINITELY in order of importance.

The list of realistic, attainable, measurable - NOT TO MENTION character-building - goals continues:

*A note about Mormons: We often say "the church is true." What we actually mean is that we believe the gospel of Jesus Christ, as restored to the earth through the Prophet Joseph Smith, contains the fulness of truth (and all truth is part of one great whole). It's a little more complex than this, but that's the 5 cent version for you.

Are you, dear reader, sick of Russ yet? Because I am...

2010-12-04T12:07:00.000-08:00

The Russ/Tina/Andrea saga continues...

Let me es-splain. No. Not enough time. Let me sum up.

Despite the apparent catharsis of writing a very very bad poem, my poor nearly fifteen-year-old self (yes, I'm still exploiting her) remains enthralled with Russ. If I remember correctly, the whole thing began because he had the "BEST VOICE" and because he could drive. This is creating some strain on my relationship with Tina, because she also likes Russ. And to put it in prospecting terms, Tina was there first.

I was tempted to skip all of the rest of the Russ saga because it is so boooooooorrrrrring to me (anything post NEVER poetry is anticlimactic at this point) but I'll stay chronological for now. Here we go.

Diary Entry: Sunday, July 9, 1989 (A date with Russ, Part I)

On Friday, Tina and me started getting ready at 5:30 to go on a date with Russ. He was taking us to a drive-in movie for the halibut, I guess.

[I love this explanation. Had to include it.]

I kept kinda quiet to let Tina and Russ talk. I could never tell if he was looking at me or not.

Russ came up with some bizarre idea to go to Safeway, of all places. The whole night was beautiful.

I mean, when we were back at Tina's, Russ and me would would laugh at the same time. And then when we got out of his truck at Safeway, there was a BMW right next to us, and I spazzed out, and so did he! We both LOVE BMWs. We're meant for each other. I know it.

[Yep. A insert a lovely illustration of the reason we are MFEO here.]

We both kept cracking jokes the whole time. Like, walking through the parking lot, we kept saying, "You're with me now, so try to act cool." It was sooo funny. I also teased him about how he was babysitting us.

Finally, I tried to take off and lose them. If he wants to be with Tina, that's just fine with me. But just when I think I've lost them, I see him out running up behind me. He puts his hands on my shoulders and turns me around.

Here we are in a supermarket and I suddenly realize that there's no other place I'd rather be. I didn't think of anything immoral or mushy. I just looked into those clear blue eyes and wondered if there was anyone more wonderful in the whole world.

He held my hand and then my wrist and tugged on my bracelet. He said, really LOUD, "Excuse me, miss, don't you know shoplifting is illegal?" I started laughing and told him it was mine and people were staring at us and he keeps apologizing. So he goes, "I'm sorry, can I do anything to you? I mean, for you?" We both kept laughing. I've never had so much fun in a supermarket.

[As far as I'm concerned, that's entirely enough about the stupid supermarket. Let's move on to the actual drive-in, shall we? Apparently, that event was important enough to merit an illustration. I'll put the actual entry in here, too.]

Okay, that's enough of this entry for now. It is SUPER long and I can barely stand it. How can you?

BTW: If you want to write Russ and complain about these entries, I'm pretty sure he's on Facebook. Just search for someone named Russ who has red hair and lived in Yakima in 1989.

It's so sad that I entirely missed that movie because all I could think about was Russ. I mean, I'm pretty sure it was a Patrick Swayze movie, so you know it had to be good.

I'll post more nonsense about Russ and the drive-in soon, I'm sure.

You waited 12 months for THIS tripe?!?!

2010-12-02T20:30:00.000-08:00

For my four fans...

You know the last post of 2009? The one where I threatened to include the poem about RUSS and Tina, and the ulti-love-hypotnuse?

The poem is called (dramatic pause + dramatic sigh inserted here)... N-E-V-E-R (because it never should have happened).

In the immortal words of Barney/Neil Patrick Harris: "Wait for it..."

Never, Part I

Please note the very literary consideration, weighing "wave of emotions" against "my whole body of emotions." A critical distinction. How is a girl to decide?

We left this masterpiece at a crucial moment. Let us continue.

Never, Part II

I love the hope amidst the heartbreak! That what destroys you can make you a better person and a better friend. It is all so tragically purposeful!

We paused at the poem's denouement: "It hurts too much to know that I never had you... BUT" (Note the intermittent repetition! And the surprise: no use of the word, "BUT" here. Such command of the form!)

Never, Part III

Can you just feel the catharsis? The moment of clarity? Joy's triumphant return?

Never, Part IV

I know it is difficult to restrain yourself at this point, but please, NO CLAPPING.

We don't clap for poets. We nod. Nod slowly. Nod for each tear shed. Nod for each upward lift of your heart, beating beating.

Yes, you feel it.

If you know what OMD stands for, you might wanna read this blog...

2010-12-02T19:22:00.001-08:00

Nope. OMD isn't the acronym for Oh My Dinosaur, though I'm getting to be one of those according to my nieces. (My nieces make fun of my pants. And my music. And my eyebrows).

If you're reading this, you probably know that OMD stands for Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark. And, at the age of 15, I thought that translated to playing one's cello with the lights off.

Fifteen is also the year I loved getting perms, clicking butane curling irons, and soaking my hair with sun-in, preferably all in the same day. Someday I'll post a pic of the bald spot that's rapidly forming on the crown of my head.

At fifteen, I was also in love with all five Stucki boys, my paperboy, George Michael, some guy named Russ who lived in Yakima, and random guys I met skiing. Really, truly, painfully in love with each one.

I wrote poems. Lots of poems. Poems that made me weep.

It was exhausting.

And it was recorded, in nauseating detail.

Yes, I'm back to share the sordid ramblings of teenage angst in its zenith: we're gonna freak out like it's 1989.

warning! this entry is rated PG-13 for language and excessive amounts of self-pity...July 1989

2009-11-01T23:20:00.000-08:00

Ok, I'm about to make myself sound like a fool, but it doesn't matter.* Nothing matters anymore.

I can't like Russ. Period. It was a stupid idea in the first place. He's a nice...okay - WONDERFUL guy but he's over. In actuality, he never was. How can something be gone if it wasn't there in the first place?

I should've known Tina and Russ liked each other. I was utterly blind not to see it and totally arrogant to think the he could like me. All that time I was vocally gawking over Russ to Tina, she was liking him. Why the hell did she tell me she wanted to set me up with him, then? And, ultimately, what difference does it make? It's time I came down to earth. I just didn't know it would be such a hard landing.

You know, sometimes I could hate her. Sometimes, I think I could rip her hair out with my bare hands. It totally sucks to have a best friend who is pretty and beautiful and smart and a total flirt. She just crooks her little finger at guys and I swear they actually PANT at her.

But, I can't be angry with her. She can't help it. And she liked Russ long before I ever even knew his name. I should've known that if she talked about him all the time, she liked him for more than a friend. She's the one who used to talk about him constantly and acting as if she wanted to get us together was a ruse.

I know I promised I wasn't going to say this anymore, but this is a special circumstance: I don't give a sh*t. Not one puny sh*t. I mean, I don't even know him. Just because I've never met anyone I liked so much or felt like I knew them without knowing them doesn't mean I like him better than she does or anything.

It doesn't matter. You know, me and Tina haven't been doing well friendship wise and I know she wants me to leave. I will. I need to. If I stay here, no matter how hard I try, I'll resent them and be jealous.

So, I'm going to forget how I feel about Russ, like it was another stupid crush. But I know it WASN'T. Wait, I've got to stop thinking that! It was a stupid crush, except it totally wasn't. It could've been real, true love. But, Tina loves Russ and it can't matter. It won't matter. It already DOESN'T matter.

I can't hate my best friend for being stunningly beautiful and sweet and talented or stupid guys because that's all they care about. I'm going to pretend to be happy. But I'm sick of that. It's exhausting. Still, it's time to stop being a sniveling, selfish witch and just be happy for her. After all, she's SUPPOSED to be my best friend. She is so good to me and I'm returning it with evil.

Maybe I should pray. But I think it would help more to write a poem. Besides, I wrote sh*t in here, because right now my life is sh*t and my attitude is sh*t.

Sister Housekeeper says that angels record everything we do and say and report it back to God, and she said if we write it, they record it twice so it's twice as bad. Or something like that. So, maybe I should wait a little bit before trying to pray about it because maybe He is still mad and I should wait until He has time to cool down and for His ears to stop burning.

So, I'll write a poem instead. I'm going to call it NEVER.**

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A note from 2009.

*Interesting that 1989 me is just figuring out what a fool I'm making of myself. And, that 1989 me doesn't really care...A harbinger of things to come, obviously.

**I really need to work up the courage to post this really horrid poem in here. It is. just. so. pathetic.

and the number one reason of the top ten reasons for going to church is............. July 1989

2009-10-30T11:35:00.000-07:00

I've never met anyone like Russ. I'm supposed to be thinking about Burgess. But Burgess won't sing, he hates skiing, and we're all wrong for each other.

Also, his religion hates Mormons. And Brian and Doug call him Ambergris. Which means whale puke, or something.

Not that I care. I'm so sure. They make up nicknames for anyone I like.

I don't know what to do.

Well, all three of us, Tina, me and Russ are going to the movies on Friday and I'll see him tomorrow at the Youth Activity. Man, I really can't think of a better reason to go to church than a super great guy like Russ! I've never known anyone so wonderful.

Caio!

here i go again...July 1989

2009-10-26T22:22:00.001-07:00

Right now, I'm outside in Tina's front yard, trying desperately to get a tan. I actually hate laying out. I get all sweaty and red and lightheaded and it's uncomfortable to read because I'm not on my tummy in a big comfy bed and I'm not in a huge soft chair. I'm on a lawn chair that puts waffle patterns on my butt . All for a stupid tan that I won't get anyway because I just burn and go white again. sigh.

Yakima isn't a bad place at all - kinda fun. I guess any place besides Lacey is fun. For the last few days we've been fixing up these duplexes that Arnold (Tina's step dad) owns. Saturday me and Tina went shopping and then worked on the duplex.

Sunday we went to church, of course. I got up really early and took three hours to get ready just in case Russ was there and he wasn't. But Tina kept complaining that these guys were looking at me. RIGHT. Guys will check out anyone new. But my hair was really high that day, so maybe.

That's the first time I've been to church in three months. ON Friday there was a mother daughter outing up at this cool lodge in the mountains. I got to know a lot of the girls. Russ's sister, Heather, was there. She seemed kind of shy so me and Tina drew her out. She's totally sweet. She's only 13 but she acts much older, like us.

Anyway, we talked about a lot of things, including Russ, but SHE totally brought him up. We stayed up til about 2am, but they weren't in church.

Now for the big stuff!!!!!

************************************************

Yesterday was TOTALLY GREAT! We all got up in the morning and worked on the duplex. We came home around four and I slept until about 5:30pm. I got into the shower right after that, and I didn't know it but Tina called Russ. They were still on the phone when I got out of the shower.

It turned out that he found out our parents (actually Tina's) weren't home so he said he was coming to babysit us. Tina told him that was cold. I hope he was kidding! After all, I'm 15 and he's only 16 and I've dated guys 7 years older than him. Well, at least I've LIKED guys 7 years older than him. I guess that isn't actually dating... But he doesn't know that.

Anyway, when he finally got here me and Tina were ready to go. We all talked for a while. He didn't really seem to notice I was there. So he invited me and Tina to go swimming with him. We all took off in his truck, music up full blast, windows down, lots of laughter.

When we got to Russ's friends house, his friend was gone, so we waited for about 45 minutes. During that time, I think I had one of the most interesting conversations of my life. We were all sitting there, Russ at the wheel, Tina in the middle and me on the other end. Mostly we listened to music. VERY interesting music. Russ finally opened up and sang for us.

HE HAS THE

BEST VOICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm totally in love. I swear by all that's holy. He can SING and he DRIVES and he SKIIS. And he hates moguls TOO. The only thing I can find wrong with him is he doesn't like Depeche Mode and Alphaville, the booger. But, what can I say. He is PERFECT for me.

I've never been so infatuated. He plays about 20 instruments. He's FUNNY. He's SWEET. And he loves music as much or more than I do. He's in a band and he believes in democracy. (That's a joke). His favorite song is "Who do you give your love to?" I LOVE that song!!!!

And, he goes to our church. He's a good member but he's not all church and Molly Mormon or Peter Priesthood type.

He's everything I ever dreamed of. I bet he's taken.

After we waited for a while, we went to the reservation and he bought fireworks. He's so cool.

Ok, I'm burning. I'll write more later. Ciao!

not-love, perv-love, church-love, and love-love...June 1989

2009-10-21T11:53:00.000-07:00

You know that phrase, absence makes the heart grow fonder...? Well, it's a LIE!

I hardly think of Burgess. I know it's cold, but I can't help the way I feel. I'll never hurt him, not even at my own expense! But I don't love him. It's not a word to be thrown around and I'm not going to use it if I don't mean it.

Besides, I kind of like BAD boys! But, a good girl can't stay a good girl and like a bad boy. Watch out for perv-love! So, I need to find an asi asi (so so) bad boy. (I'm learning Spanish!)

I've met a wonderful guy named Russ. He's so cool, but his name is lamers. Gek! I'll have to give him a nickname when I talk about him to my friends. Anyway, he's soooooooooo musically talented. I admire him and I want to know him better.

Music is my life, my soul, and my passion. I'd never be able to go on without it. The drive, the romance in life would all be taken away. Burgess doesn't get into music, and that's tough on me.

If I stay in Yakima all summer, I don't know what will happen to Burgess and me. But I do hope to become good, close friends with Russ. He's a wonderful human being. Plus, he's the only Mormon I've ever liked. Except Doug [aka Ben]. Well, I also love Brian [aka Charles], but that's church-love. And perv-love is what I felt for Rob. But what I feel for Russ could become love-love!

I really have to get some sleep now, so ---

CAIO!
(chow)

I think chow is French or something.

Always,
me

becoming molly and other short lived resolves...June 1989

2009-10-17T00:34:00.000-07:00

Right now I'm staying with Tina/Anna* in Yakima. Strange town. I hope maybe to stay here all summer and work at Dairy Queen. Burgess and Renee/Emily* back in Lacey won't be too happy, but it might not work out anyway.

I've been here for three and a half days now. Already we've gone shopping twice, out to pizza once, to McDonalds once, to Dairy Queen twice, out to the movies once, to an Honors Assembly, worked out once, walked all over town, played basketball four times, had a water fight, fixed elaborate pancake breakfasts twice, walked to the grocery store to get junk food three times - The last time I got Dexatrim pills!

Most importantly, we took a trip with Tina's Youth Group to the Portland Temple before its dedication. It's the most beautiful place I've ever been! I can't even describe it: all white marble and gorgeously designed. It gave me a resolve - to become as righteous as possible so I'll deserve a wonderful man who can take me to the temple. The PORTLAND temple, specifically.

I'm going to go to church again and I'm going to be good now matter how hard it is for me. I'm going to stop imagining what it might be like to have someone kiss my collar bones and other naughty thoughts. I'm going to LOVE the girls at church even if they are stuck up or dumb or act like they have Ben/Doug* wrapped around their little pinkies. I'm going to be nice to my mom and I'm not going to say ass or sh*t anymore. I'm going to read my scriptures without falling asleep.

I know my pride will suffer, but I can't let it stop me. I know Charles/Brian* will probably laugh at me for being so wishy-washy. But, I've got to let go of the resentment of feeling like I don't belong there, because it's just making me bitter and ruining my perspective. At the risk of sounding like a Molly, it's ruining my eternal perspective. Who knows, maybe I'll even get one of those "every fiber of my being" testimonies everybody talks about.

[*To ease the transition from pseudonyms to real names, I'll use both for a while. - 2009]

a whole summer without drama...June 1989

2009-10-15T22:26:00.000-07:00

What am I going to do for a whole summer without drama? Drama has been my security blanket, the theater my home, "Bye Bye Birdie" my life. And now that it's over I'm vegetating and trying to put off choices and decisions I need to make.

I've quit going to church for at least eight weeks. It's been heaven even though I'll probably burn in hell for it. How ironic. Ahhh, those fiery gates. Actually, we don't believe in fiery gates, or pearly ones for that matter - or any gates at all that I can think of, at least literally anyway.

Of course, I plan on going back. Dad said I can take my time. I think he'd quit church, too, if he could. He kind of already has quit. He just goes and sits in the hallway and talks to people during class. That's not actually going to church. I mean, technically it is but I don't think you get any heaven points for it.

I told Dad I'll go back to church when all the clicky [sic] perfect girls with their huge families and "beyond a shadow of a doubt" testimonies keel over and become worm infested corpses. Nah. I'm just joshin'! Dad said that the church is true but the people aren't. What the hell is that supposed to mean? That the building itself is plumb but the people are six ways from Sunday?

So I said, "It's called the Church of Latter Day Saints. Aren't they supposed to act like Saints, then?" He said we're supposed to TRY to act like saints. Well, I'm not going to act like one and feel all bored and excluded if the people who actually think they fit that description are all stuck up and annoying and think they rule the universe. Which they DON'T. DUH. Blech.

Here are MY future dreams. A successful career in Psychology and a senior trip to Australia with a passionate love affair where someone finally kisses me on the collarbones. A sidelight of singing and acting, a beautiful, clean, clear glass flat shared with Anna/Tina* and Emily/Renee until we all marry and have some rug rat brats. Just Kidding!

More recent dreams: ski school, losing weight, taking up the offer to model hair styles for Mark Ford from Totally You! I think I need to lose like 50 pounds first, so my cheek bones really stick out! Good grades next year, vocal lessons and a thriving acting education in Performing Arts. Good friends. Good times!

My goals for tomorrow: running, Diary Queen application, long not serious talks with Anna/Tina.

fair warning - a note from 2009

2009-10-14T10:30:00.000-07:00

In answer to the question asked most frequently: Yes, teenage girls are actually crazy. Maybe they vary in degrees of craziness, but on the crazy scale I'd put my teenage self smack dead in the middle. Of course, I'm not one to be objective.

In response to some recent feedback, both written and verbal, I'm considering using actual first names in here consistently.

Now, that said, I realize my readers number approximately 9 people. And, of those 9 people 99.99%:
---are in the actual diary
---will be in the diary
---know people in the diary
---spend most of their 80sangst blog reading time matching real names to pseudonyms and are sort of sick of doing so

Contact me at 80sangst@gmail.com if you have one of the following preferences:
---You're in the diary/blog and don't care if I use your real first name
---You're in the diary/blog and you'll be mortified if I use your real first name
---You don't know if you're in the diary/blog and you don't want to know

I guess if you're in the diary and you don't read the blog and you don't see this note, anything could happen...Mwah hah hah.

a painful past that really isn't my past and really isn't painful...June 1989

2009-10-14T00:47:00.000-07:00

Ok, so Silas's real name is Burgess. It's just an uncommon name, and I was trying to spare him. But, there you go. Now no one has to wonder.

Burgess has a strong emotional hold on me. We've been through a lot together. Ok, well, not so much. I just met him last semester. But, we've been through a lot for such a short time.

Anyway, he's a large influence on my life at the moment. But I can keep my head about him. I guess this IS love. Because it's not lost and searching, it's not searing pain and elating happiness. It's comfort and sharing and so much more that I can't explain.

I have a painful past and so does he. He talks about his and I don't talk about mine because I don't know what's fake and made-up and what isn't. It's all weird and if he brings it up, I won't be able to explain and then he'll be hurt and I won't be able to fix that either.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to being blindly in love with Ben or physically crazy about Rob. They both hurt but they weren't confusing. I've stepped in to something with Burgess that I don't know if I can handle it or not. I'm always careful and on guard. AND he hasn't held my hand or kissed me. I mean, what is the point of going out if you're not going to KISS?

I miss nths and my friends there dreadfully. I no longer feel alone at ths. Although most of my friends there/here were seniors, and graduated. Still, that doesn't stop those pangs every time I hear a certain song on the radio or read old notes and see old (6 months ago!) pictures. I miss Roger and my close guy friends. I especially miss my comfortable clique. It was so easy.

I miss Mac and Mike and ski school and I can't wait to hit those slopes (literally - I can't actually ski). Mike FINALLY graduated. He was a truly bizarre person and a sweetheart. A lot like a teddy bear with vulgar habits. So endearing. And MAC: sensual, giving new dimensions to the word "BUF" and a complete a**hole but I couldn't help loving his perverted, sexy, overwhelming attentions. I haven't seen him for over 4 months. Long time.

Oh well. Times change & gotta move on.

at long last...June 1989

2009-10-11T15:06:00.000-07:00

I OFFICIALLY have a boyfriend. I know, it's shocking, isn't it? Silas and I are a happy couple. I miss him whenever we're apart.

He's VP of the sophomore class, good looking, respectful, kind, and he actually showed me what the inside of a BMW looks like because his Mom drove us to the movies. I didn't want to be totally tacky, but I was in awe the whole time. "So, this is what rich people ride around in all day," was what I kept thinking.

More than anything, though, he's just a really sweet human being. He kept writing notes to me and I kept writing back (during Algebra. I think I failed Algebra) and then he asked me to the movies and then he asked me out.

He didn't hold my hand at the movies. I was like, sheesh, I'm finally out on a date with a guy and my hand is sitting RIGHT there on the armrest and he didn't grab it. I started to feel dumb but then I thought it would be obvious if I put it back in my lap.

So the whole movie, all I could think was that my hand was on the armrest and I have NO idea what the movie was about or anything. I could just see my very white hand glowing from the light of the movie screen and smell the popcorn I couldn't eat. Everything felt oily and weird.

So, even having a boyfriend doesn't make the whole love thing any easier. So much for getting kissed on the collarbones! Oh well, maybe we'll date until we're seniors and by then, at prom, he'll kiss me, just once, on the collarbones. I might even have to ask him to. I wonder if there is such thing as being TOO respectful.

And he's Matt's best friend. And I think Emily is going to dump Matt for a totally jerky sophomore. So much for double dating! Anyway, Silas feels things really deeply and he's passionate about all the important things and he's really caring.

Sometimes I think a friendship would be better for us because although I love him with all my heart, I'm not IN love. He wears his shirts buttoned up and his shorts always look freshly ironed. His loafers are like this super soft leather, without any marks from water, which is hard to do cause it rains constantly.

He's as careful as he is caring - I feel like he wants me to be fragile. He's so gentle with me. He never raises his voice. And I'm not like that - couldn't be if I tried. He's a dream come true for my parents, not that I've let him see my house. When we went to the movies, he picked me up at Emily's. He just cannot know what my house looks like. I don't think he'd care, but I think his parents would care, and I DEFINITELY care.

Ben and Charles say he's stuffy, but I think he's going places. And the thing is, I want to get out of here. Our city is small, and it's like a little bedroom community that's an island inside of the Capitol, but nothing ever happens here. It has really picked up since I started high school, but football games and plays and all that stuff only goes so far. I'm not ready for life to end with graduation.

No one knows that I'm not crazy in love with Silas except Anna. Kir and Kri say we're the sweetest couple. So nice and smart without being geeky. I could date him forever and ever without it ever going anywhere, and yet he's the only guy I've met here who plans to move away and do something else somewhere else.

I would never hurt Silas in any way, not intentionally, not inadvertently, not ever. And he's REALLY super great! After all, life is WONDERFUL!

nerds, jocks, and performing arts....june 1989

2009-10-11T14:08:00.000-07:00

Whew. I haven't written, I mean REALLY written since April! And so much has happened! I've forgotten half of it already and I can't bring it back. The last days of my freshman year were a BLAST!

I've become entangled in DRAMA at THS. I made Performing Arts. It's the drama class you have to audition for. Thank goodness Noel B. made it cool to be in Drama. He's a jock and he was in Grease and everybody loves him. So drama at THS doesn't have the stigma that it does at NTHS.

Plus, the Drama coach, K., just separated from her husband and she is totally gorgeous, so now all of Noel's jock friends are joining drama.

K. has these enormous aqua colored eyes and long strawberry blonde, naturally curly hair and a super throaty voice. And, she's demanding but funny. Plus, she's a teacher, so she's untouchable. Guys LOVE that combo. It is so funny. Like they stand a chance! But, I guess that's half the point. I don't get it. It's like guys live for being shot down or something.

Even my parents were happy when I made Performing Arts. Not that they care if I'm a nerd, (because they are TOTALLY nerds) but they know it's a HUGE deal at THS to make PA as a frosh going into the Sophomore year. I don't mean to sound conceited, but it is!

For the audition, I performed a monologue that I wrote myself. Which I didn't admit at first because I was too embarrassed. But then I did confess and I still made it, which was cool.

I thought I'd ruined my chances because last semester when we were doing these improv exercises for our final, I got stuck with one where I was supposed to be drunk. But, I've never been drunk and I've never even been around drunk people - except M. that ONE time - and so I know I wasn't a very convincing drunk person. It was embarrassing!

I would LOVE to train for Broadway. But, I can't dance AT ALL. And I would say my voice is ok, but not powerful. I got some solos in choir this year, but I'm not trained, as Emily's older sister so kindly pointed out. It makes me sound like a dog or something!

Anyway, so much for being a triple threat! Emily says I can take voice lessons, but I don't know anyone who teaches them. And, I've taken dance lessons. They don't help, believe me. The instructor kept coming over and standing next to me and showing me how to do the stupid steps and I still couldn't get it right. It's like I don't live in my body or something.

So, now I'm a sophomore! Whoah! I have so many memories! The whirling, full social life (FINALLY), so many dreams made reality, the parties at the cabin after the play ended. Lots of people were drinking there, mind you, BUT

#1. Emily and I stayed in the hammock on the front porch and looked at the stars because she's on dance team and can't be at a drinking party so she was freaking out, and I don't drink (of course) AND

#2. The cabin parties happened AFTER drama finals so it's not liked they were helpful to my craft in any way...

the ten top reasons to overdose on nyquil. or be thankful. or whatever!

2009-09-21T20:51:00.000-07:00

A lot to be grateful for lately, really. I'm surrounded by friends - the kind that keep my spirits up even when things go from bad to worse.

Mom gave me a book today. The title is (I'm not kidding you...) Joy! Puke-O-Rama. It's enough to make me want to overdose on Nyquil. But, I know she means well. I mean, I know I've got a lot to be thankful for, but I also have a lot to worry about, remember, and ponder.

Rob is over, for whatever that's worth. But Silas and I are doing great! We're not going out yet officially. We just keep passing notes.

This sophomore, who is actually good looking, told Emily to tell me that he likes me. I think Matt and Emily are going to break up because she likes this guy's (the sophomore's) best friend, who is also a sophomore. She says it's so much cooler to date a sophomore than a freshman.

I think Emily needs to get a grip, even though we're in the play together and she is so sweet to me. Matt is so nice and has those awesome, piercing blue eyes. But, it's not like I can tell Matt that I like him because Silas is his best friend. It's SO COMPLICATED.

The play is going great! SO much has happened! We went to Bellingham and stayed in hotels for a huge festival. I need a whole day just to write about that one weekend! But, I need some sleep. I haven't slept since Sunday night - 48 hours!

And, I still have to do some homework. Can you believe I've got a C in Algebra? It's almost a D! I've never had a C in anything in my life. It's AWESOME! I think my days of being a nerd are officially OVER.

pictionary, taboo, and another wild and crazy saturday night ...April 1989

2009-09-18T20:33:00.000-07:00

Rob is over. And M. hates me for some reason only she understands. But, I'm still alive so I guess I'm ok. Besides, Rob wasn't in my age range and I go to Anna's soon for summer vacation. My brother will be home soon (from college) so that's good.

And I tried to pray last night. My mind kept wandering to homework and other school stuff and I kept apologizing because it must be like having a conversation with someone who just trails off all the time. Which my dad does a lot, so I know how irritating it is. I don't mean to be irreverent, but I really wonder what God does when my prayers sort of wander off. Does He take a break from listening to me, or does He know it's going to happen so He plans to do something else during that time? Or, is time different to Him, so He just fast forwards? Does He send an angel of some kind to come listen for a while until I focus again?

I hung out with Ben and Charles at their house tonight. We played Pictionary (I can guess, but not draw, so it's kind of pathetic) and then Phoebe came over and we played Taboo. It was really easy to figure out the words, even though we couldn't say any related words, because we've known each other so long. Like one word was "dentist" and we couldn't say tooth or drill or anything, but it didn't matter because Phoebe's dad is a dentist, so Charles yells, "Phoebe's dad!" and we guessed it right away.

Then, Phoebe had to go home cuz she has this wicked early curfew, so we all walked her home and chatted in the front yard and the sky didn't have any stars so it wasn't that romantic and I could tell Phoebe was walking close to Ben on purpose, which made me glad for the 400 millionth time that I'm over him. Then we walked back and had to go down this street called Ruddell Loop. It is really dark and super creepy with no lights and so Charles and Ben kept scaring me.

When we got back to Greenlawn Street, Ben and Charles made tapioca pudding, which I've never had before and I'll never be able to eat, because they pretended to sneeze it into their hands and acted like they puked it onto the counter. It was so NASTY, but funny. I'm one of the guys, and that's cool.

three deaths and a crying baby....april 1989

2009-09-17T20:01:00.000-07:00

Well, I sat around all spring break and rotted. It wuz great! Anna came to visit and me and Charles are doing great again.

Then, things for Charles are a little hard right now. His grandfather died yesterday and I feel bad for him even though I don't understand what he's going through, really. I've never experienced the death of someone close to me.

My cousin died of leukemia but I didn't know him very well. They came all the way up from New Mexico because the hospital here specializes in leukemia treatment. Mom and Dad and me visited him in the hospital and he threw up green stuff. He was so weak, his Mom had to push him forward to throw up. She just sat there, watching him the whole time and holding the bowl for him and she never said a word. She just put her hand on his hair or his back.

We didn't stay very long. I know I shouldn't say this, but I was glad to go. I just stood there feeling stupid and grossed out and horrible because none of them looked like themselves in that awful lighting with those terrible plastic chairs and my uncle was so thin that he looked bent.

The only other time I've known someone who had to deal with death was when Sister Isabel's baby died and she moved away. I think staying here was too painful for her. I was so sad that she moved away but I knew I couldn't possibly feel how sad she was.

I thought of trying to get pregnant and giving her the baby, but it wouldn't have been her baby, for one thing. And for another, I would've had to do U KNOW WHAT which is exactly what she spent hours at church teaching us not to do until we're married.

And it's not like I can just go marry someone because I'm only 14 and then if we got married and I got pregnant and I gave the baby away, what then? The guy I married would know he just married a crazy person. Plus, then I'm stuck with a husband I only married so I could have a baby to give to someone else.

I suppose I could get married, get pregnant, not tell him, get divorced, give the baby to Sister Isabel, and run away. But I don't see her liking that very much, either. Like I said before, she wanted her own baby, not somebody else's.

Anyway, none of this gets me any closer to helping Charles or being there for him.

So, while I'm trying to be there for Charles like he always has been for me, I want to be real about it. Charles sez he is doing ok. He is more worried about his mom (it was her dad who died) and his little brother, who has cried pretty much constantly since his Grandpa died. Poor kid.

I think Charles's little brother is pretty emotional in general, though. He cried a lot as a baby, too. My mom took care of him once and he cried ALL DAY. I got so jealous of her paying so much attention to him that I pinched him. It's not like it made any difference in how much he cried. Sure, he cried even HARDER for a minute, but then it was back to the same old bawling.

What if I'm being fake to try to be there for Charles and understand? It's not like I have anything helpful to say or do. I'm trying to pull myself together but I guess not hard enough.

R.I.P R.P - and Chicago's on the stereo... 4.1989

2009-09-15T20:34:00.000-07:00

Rob hasn't called me in a week. So I guess that's over. "She Drives Me Crazy" (Fine Young Cannibals) is my song for him, only I changed the "she" to "he." Oh well. R.I.P. Rob Parks.

I haven't talked to him or M. for forever, but Charles called, as usual, telling me Rob isn't good for me. Sometimes he really bugs me.

Kir and Kri and I all went to the mall today and I wished for the 400 millionth time that I was rich.

I'm feeling kind of depressed. Chicago is playing now, "You're not alone." But, I AM alone. At least, I want to be half the time. I don't want to worry or love anyone or have any responsibility. I just want to dream and sleep forever.

I watched Pretty in Pink tonight. It never fails. I cry every time, when he comes to the prom without a date. And when Duckie says he's not going to drive by on his bicycle anymore.

I guess the part that doesn't make me cry but hits pretty hard is when Molly Ringwald says, "I don't want you to see where I live." If I get a ride home from someone I don't know well, I totally have them drop me off at the two-story white house with pillars the next block over. My house is shack sized with broken windows and peeling paint and puddles in the driveway and cats and dandelions and shrubs the size of trees and dog poop in the front yard.

I'd rather live in Anna's trailer court than here. She says it's embarrassing to live in a trailer court, but at least her house is clean and her front yard is nice and her clothes don't stink like cat pee.

So, I love Pretty in Pink but I think it would be even more fun to watch with a boyfriend. When I have a boyfriend, my favorite movies to watch with him will be "Pretty in Pink," "Some Kind of Wonderful," and "Dirty Dancing." I LOVE those movies!

No way! "My Grandma and Your Grandma" is playing now. I'm totally gonna cry! Mac and me always sang this song and the ski lift even though I'd actually never heard it and I made up stupid words. I MISS IT ALL SOOOOOOO MUCH. He's probably up there skiing right now!

Holy CRAP! Now it's the Bangles' "Eternal Flame." SO pretty. I sang Mac to sleep with this song on the ski bus. I'm gonna die. I'm so romantically depressed!

Fine Young Cannibals - She Drives Me Crazy ORIGINAL

2009-09-03T22:40:00.001-07:00

The Ski School Bus Theme... And my song for Mr. R.P. Oooh, isn't this video freaky? Mtv is so weird!

FYC, The Cure, and GC: an insert.... 04.02.1989

2009-09-03T22:02:00.000-07:00

"She Drives Me Crazy" by the FIne Young Cannibals is on the stereo (KUBE). Mac used to always sing this song on the ski bus. Man I miss the ski bus! I should say I miss skiing but I miss the ski bus more. Hee hee.

I found these notes I took during General Conference for extra credit in seminary, but I never finished them so I might as well stick them in here. Dad said conference was boring. Nice example.

I also wrote Rob a note. He called me that night and I wuz so happy to talk to him, but I think I need to STOP thinking about him. I never can tell when he's serious. He tells me he loves me all the time, but he also is so full of crap that it drives me crazy!

I haven't run this week and I think I've gained weight. I look ENORMOUS. I'm going to lose 10 pounds by Friday if it kills me. Hello Slim Fast and Dexitrim! I have mass homework. Gotta go.

Are you joshin me? Rob just called. We talked for about a half an hour but Dad started getting on my case about phone curfew. He and mom have the DUMBEST rules.

He (Rob, not my Dad) is so totally RAD. Super smart and funny. Besides, someone who says he is nuts about you is totally irresistible. I think that's my favorite thing about him, matter of fact. And there's lots of fun things to choose from, especially that Charles gets so UPTIGHT about him.

Yup, love that he says he thinks he loves me. "What an attractive quality in a young man," as my mom would say. *ROLLING MY EYES right now.* Gek! She wants me to marry Charles, in case I haven't mentioned that. That's nice and all, but LATER Mom. Sheesh.

Reading back in this journal, I can see the brain rot happening. I've been spending all my time on drama and boys and plays and not enough on books. But I don't want to be a brainy nerdy lame-o anymore, so it's a tough call. Not really. HAH. Let me think, stupid old rhyming history in the Iliad or Mr. Robert P. himself - who - now that I think of it, makes me feel like listening to The Cure and curling up in a ball on the floor and actually enjoying it in some sick way. I totally heart being lovelorn. Mass. I'm NOT kidding.

So, forget the homework. I know it'll never work out with Rob, so might as well get started on some awesome lyrics about how much love sucks. Hahhahahahahahaha!

avoiding Ben... a PS from 04.20.1989

2009-09-03T02:19:00.001-07:00

PS
This is the scene of the crime, and maybe the last place I will ever hear Ben's voice.

I think I'm avoiding Ben. Or maybe he's avoiding me. Not that I can blame him, after the smushed ho hos in the face while driving incident.

I had to call him later to apologize for M. But, she really needs a friend right now and he really doesn't want anything to do with her, so I can't hang out with them at the same time. Which means I get to see Charles but not Juan and Ben.

Why can't all of your friends like all of your other friends. I mean, don't they all at least have you in common?

deep thoughts of the sweet, bad, and spazzy 04.20.1989

2009-09-03T01:29:00.000-07:00

"The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.” - Jack Handy

This is Jack!

My new green tinted contact cut my eyelid. I look all swollen and gross with one huge redish brown eye and a shrunken fake green eye, like hell's demon sister. I'm sure there's a deep thought to go with that, but I picked this one because it's about how silly boys can be, and that they don't get any less silly just because they get older. Note to self!

Rob called me today from WORK. But I promise I don't like him, cuz he's a perv. Actually, this is my stupid diary, so I'm going to say that I actually heart him 4-ever, but he is just a goof.

Me and Ben are going to have to throw another party. Maybe for spring break or something. Maybe this time someone besides his little brother will want to dance with me! Just joshin.

I've been thinking a lot lately, about how imperfect I am, about school and everything that goes on there, my family of strangers, my responsibilities. None of it goes as smoothly as I want it to.

The thing is, I'm not even muddling through. I'm NOT a good person. I make an effort to try to be innocent and sweet and a lot of the time I WANT to be innocent and sweet, but sometimes I want to be BAD. Sooooo bad! And I get these thoughts in my head, especially about guys. Always about guys.

Charles is always telling me that I'm too good for Rob (as in innocent) and he's always telling Rob that I'm too naive for him. And I can see why Charles feels threatened, but he doesn't want me right now so why does he bother? I mean, he told me that M. was not being entirely truthful, that he does love me, but I'm starting to think he's more than slightly messed up in the head.

And it's really crazy how I am about Rob when I never even LOOK at guys under the age of 17. Well maybe 16. Ben is 16 but I swear I don't like him anymore.

Well, I gotta kick or I'll be totally spazzy tomorrow.

and so it, like, turns out that guys are mass stupid... 04.19.1989

2009-09-02T10:59:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting (actually, laying) here on my daybed listening to my stereo (my Heart tape) So, today M. called me and she told me that she talked to Charles.

It turns out that Charles really just loves me like a sister, but he doesn't want me to go out with Rob because he knows that Rob is a perv and has done a LOT of stuff with girls. And I haven't even been kissed for real yet, on the collarbones.

So what if Charles thinks dating Rob is too risky? Why are they friends then? Although, I guess if even your best friend thinks you're a perv, then you probably are a perv.

And why was I so stupid to feel all giddy about Rob and so special that Charles loved me, when really NONE of it was romantic. I THOUGHT it was romantic. But one type of love is perv-love and the other type of love is church-love and so none of it was love-love. Guys are so mass stupid, and I'm stupid to have thought they were not stupid.

I'm done with this. I'm going to be tough! I'm going to flirt and have fun and not care. "When you finally come knocking, there'll be nobody home." But that sounds so boring. And I really do want to be kissed on the collar bones! What should I do?

crazy love and strip poker, Mormon style 04.18.1989

2009-08-31T11:33:00.000-07:00

Last night, me and Charles went to Rob's house and soooooooooooo much happened!

We (Rob and me) haven't seen each other for a long time, like four weeks or something. Ever since we met, me and Rob have been really close. It was like, an automatic reaction.

He has these light blue eyes and curly brown hair that hangs in his face and he's just really sweet to me and sincere and affectionate.

So, when we saw each other after that long, we couldn't really be separated. I talked to him about his girlfriend and I listened a lot.

M. was on the pone with Charles and she wuz telling him that me and Rob were going out, just to sike him. Which really ticked me off pretty bad cuz I don't want anyone messing with Charles.

Well, I thought Rob wuz just being a goof when he put is arms around me and held me a lot and kissed my hand and stuff. I thought he was being cute, cuz Charles says Rob is a player.

All night we talked and he showed me how to skateboard. I have the bruises to prove it!

All this tim, M. was asking Charles all these squestions about whether he liked me or not an dhe admitted that he LOVED me. Well, Rob is his best friend.

By this time - well let's just say I'm crazy about Rob - even if my age range for dating a guy goes from 17 - 25, and he's 13. Geez! I can't believe this. And he SKIIS. Yay!

Well, from here it gets confusing. Rob is telling me about this girl he likes a lot, and I'm trying to guess who it is so I can help him date her. Then he starts talking to Charles about something they won't let me hear, and it turns out that Rob genuinely likes me as much as Charles, who claims he loves me.

Rob tells Charles to find someone else because what we have is going to last forever. But, uh, what about his girlfriend? And, I'm so crazy about Rob that it's sick but I'm so close to Charles that everything turned upside down cuz Charles keeps saying that he loves me but I think he's always just loved me as a sister.

And when I see Matt at school, I still think he is so cute, but he's Emily's, and I'm supposed to go out with Matt's best friend. What is it with best friends liking the same people? It's stupid. And, I heart Rob! Whoah!

When everyone finally go off the phone we played strip poker, Mormon style, and I lost. Strip poker Mormon style is earrings, socks, shoes, sweaters, stuff like that. So, it's not like I did anything naughty.

But, I had so much fun last night and it is so confusing. When we got back to M.'s house, Charles called and spilled his guts to me about how he loves me. I told him we should wait on it because what we have is SO special.

I really do love Rob. Now I know what they mean by "crazy in love!"

love and medication ...04.17.1989

2009-08-29T18:16:00.000-07:00

It's tough right now being M.'s friend because she's off her meds. I hope this changes soon. Sometimes we have a hard time relating except we're so much alike that we almost know each other's thoughts.

Let's get on with what's really bothering me.

Last night I spent the night at M's. She's in love MASS with Ben. Isn't that hilarious?

I'm really glad I'm finally over him. I know I've said that before, but it's true. Anyway, she wanted me to call Ben and ask him to take her cruzing. Well, I wanted to see R. really bad cuz we haven't hung out since before Christmas. He's been calling me and he wuz going to come over to M.'s house, which would be great becuz her Mom leaves us alone and mine are nosy.

But, I try to be a good friend, so I called Ben and he said sure. Ben took us cruzing downtown and made fun of the guys sitting on their neon lowrider trucks with their long permed hair. Ben thinks that style is dorky. So does Juan.

I sat behind Ben in the back seat but, like, kitty corner. So I could see him and M. couldn't and so M. was mad. Juan sat in the front seat because he refused to sit by M. and because he called shotgun before anyone else. Which was not very gentlemanly, but who gives? So, after a while, M. asked if we could stop cuz she wanted to get something to eat at the mini mart. She bought Ho Hos.

After M. bought the Ho Hos I still didn't move over. I think that wuz supposed to be my cue to change seats, but it wuz really fun hanging out with Ben again and he makes me laugh til stuff squirts out my nose. I promise I don't like him anymore, though!

So, M. was still sitting right behind Ben who was teasing me but not really paying attention to her, but then he busted on her. He's like that, he just jokes around a lot.

So, M. reached around his head and smashed the Ho Hos into his face and he couldn't see the road. He had Ho Ho in his hair and hanging from his eyelashes and all up his nostrils while M. laughed like a total loon.

Man, he was P.O.ed! I've actually never seen Ben mad. And, he doesn't even get red after doing sports (I totally turn all red when I work out). So he turned red and I was like, OH CRAP! I just faced forward. Because I think he was only hanging out with us because I asked him to.

I didn't say anything and Juan didn't say anything and Ben just sat there, breathing. I watched his chest go up and down. M. sort of took a deep breath because I think she was out of air, laughing that hard.

That little car got really quiet. Well, as quiet as it can be. It's a really old car. I don't know what kind it is, but it it gray and small and it rattles all the time, and it reminds me of a lunch box.

I think I'm going to start crushing up meds for M. and putting them in her pop. Or her Ho Hos.

Bon Jovi - I'll Be There For You

2009-08-28T21:22:00.001-07:00

these five words i swear to you 04.02.1989

2009-08-28T20:39:00.000-07:00

"I'll be there for you" by Bon Jovi is playing on the stereo. (KUBE, my favorite station). I've been cleaning my room cuz it looked like a nuclear war testing zone. I love this song so much. It's so sweet!

Chorus:

I'll be there for you. These five words I swear to you. When you breathe I wanna be the air for you. I'll be there for you. I'd live and I'd die for you, Steal the sun from the sky for you. Words can't say what love can do. I'll be there for you.

Sometimes I go over to Anna's and we watch Mtv and I see Jon Bon Jovi singing his guts out and I pretend he's singing just to me. Or that someone like him is singing to me. Or maybe some guy out there is at least listening to him sing the song and thinking of me. Or something.

You know, if he didn't use the contraction, it would be six words and it would ruin the chorus. "These six words I swear to you" just doesn't sound the same. Thank goodness for the apostrophe!

I was supposed to go out with my friends this weekend, but it didn't work out. They're setting me up with this guy who is the president of our class. And he has a Beamer. He's very smart and good looking. It's a little intimidating. Oh, and he's Matt's best friend, so we could double with u-know-who.

Something else funny about that song. If someone were the air for me when I was breathing, would I actually be breathing carbon dioxide and like, die because it would be like breathing in fumes? It sounds romantic, like suicide because of a broken heart, but it's probably just messy. Or stinky. Or uncomfortable. Like love.

It's just as well going out this weekend didn't work out. I could've fallen in love for real and then I would've died of a broken heart, or poisoning.

And the award for BEST supporting actress (in a nansecond role) goes to...

2009-03-31T21:29:00.000-07:00

DRAMA!!! It is the new love of my life. I tried out for the school play and I MADE IT! I'm still thinking I should use my screen name for the play.

THS is really well known for its drama department. They did Grease last year and it was a HUGE hit. So, who knows? Maybe a Hollywood agent will stop by and say, "Who WAS that girl who played Billy's mom?!"

And I'll say, "Mikare Night!!" If I get famous, I don't want people to go, oh yeah, now she's Mikare Night but she used to be that Smith girl. LAMERS.

The guys in drama are really cute and really weird! One of them knows all the Billy Joel songs and plays them on the piano before we warm up. He and these other guys have all these inside jokes, saying "Boot to the head! Boot to the head!" and "I crush your head!" while pinching together their fingers.

They're seniors, so I can't tell if I don't get them because they're so much older or if it's a drama thing.

I guess I should mention that my part is kind of small. I'm somebody's mother. But it is a speaking part! Of course it is only one line. And I'm not sure how they are going to use my screen name on the program because I don't even have a character name. In the script, I'm just "Billy's mom."

If I want bigger parts, I really should work on dropping another thirty pounds and maybe get some voice lessons.

At least, that's what M. says. Oh, and me and M. are best friends now. She's an actress, too. She's done theater FOREVER. Of course, Anna is my best best friend but she isn't here right now AND she's younger than me.

Last night I spent the night at M.'s and guess what? She's in love MASS with Ben. Of all people! I'm so glad I'm OVER him. I really am.

i am, but i'm not, but i act like one, but i'm not....03.28.1989

2009-03-28T20:17:00.000-07:00

Last night M. came over and then we went to her house. Charles was there and being really horny, for Charles anyway. We were holding hands and he played with my hair but he got his hand got stuck because of all the hair spray. He was leaning against me while we talked. We get along so well!

R. just called me back. We talked for about a half hour. He seemed, like, really surprised by how I a really am. That kinda sucks. I guess Charles is portraying me to R. as some sweet, innocent kid. I'm not! I like guys and parties and all that stuff!

Well, I guess deep down inside I am still pretty innocent. But R. got my fake me: partier, guys... (at least I hope that me is fake). Actually, that me is pretty fake, considering I haven't really kissed anyone yet and I haven't really been to a party that didn't involve some kind of cake and ice cream...

I'm not sure why I think about R sometimes just out of the blue. Mostly at school I think about Sam and Craig (mostly Sam) and how to avoid Matt but still attract his attention. School is pretty fun cuz in 4 out of 6 classes, I find some guy in there attractive, which makes the period more interesting.

Anyway, I never dreamed that I would have more guy friends than I do girls. I'm trying to be outgoing and stuff but I know a lot of people think I'm a snob. Sometimes I TRY to act like a snob just for the hell of it. (YES, I just SWORE!) Did I mention my drama teacher is finally back?

THE FIVE ANGST POETRY FINALISTS!

2009-03-25T21:00:00.000-07:00

To vote, click the radio button beside the title of your favorite poem in the upper left corner.

WOW!
Thanks to everyone who submitted poetry to the adolescent angst poetry contest.

Keep in mind... the top five poems are not listed in any particular order, nor were they chosen for adding value to the genre.

No, the top five are thus simply because they typify adolescent ANGST at its finest (or worst, you could say). The poems are as varied as their authors... Some are clever, others put the fine point on misery...

Enjoy, and don't forget to vote for your favorite!

DUMPED
The pain you
caused me
bludgeoned
a wound
deep
in my soul,
piercing
deeper still,
permanently
scarring me.
Your blade
sliced me
from the
inside out.
With
blood-stained
pride and
emotion
sliced away,
I collapse.
My heart
drips
from the
blade.
Wiping it
clean,
you choose
another.

YOU
I sit and stare
at your curly Kirk Cameron hair...
In biology class everyday
take my jelly bracelet hand and like, promise to stay
forever in my heart
nothing will tear us apart
I wake up from this totally rad dream
In real-life you are so majorly mean
Stop pushing me in the hall
always trying to make me fall
With your stupid Reebok high-top shoes
you always win, i like, always lose
Take me for a ride in your Camaro
Cupid has struck me with his neon arrow.

ONLY A KISS
Only a kiss, where did it lead?
What was an addiction,
now just a need.
Whispered a wish under the stars.
What was a wound...now only scars.
My love I bled to you in vain,
without you.... I will never be the same.
If later in life we do meet,
perhaps I'll lay my broken heart at your feet.'

COMMUNICATION
I don’t know what to say
Scenarios run through my mind
I have my old stand-bys for starting conversation:
Osama bin Laden
Existentialist thought
How the designated hitter rule is ruining baseball
But when it comes to you, I freeze.

Symptoms Include:
Swapping awkward pleasantries about the weather
and homework.
Stammering to such a degree it makes George W.
look articulate.
Shuffling feet unit it feels like you might erode the
ground beneath you.
Staring at the ground until you become well-versed in
the play of light and shadow of the wad of chewed-up gum
on the sidewalk before you.
Wishing to say the things that the heart feels but have it come out as,
“So what kind of music do you like?”
Having my heart break a little as
Flirty girls corner you
Hanging on your every word
Laughing at the appropriate intervals
At times hating the
Hair flips
Vapid words
Made-up faces courtesy of Revlon
Envy develops as a side effect
wondering how one person can render me so utterly and
completely powerless.

Treatment:
Possible options
Transference of academic residence
Growth and implantation of a backbone
Selective amnesia about all feelings and memories for a
Particular person

Prognosis:
Terminal case of a severe high school crush

A FAILED VACATION
I could have traversed deserts,
And conquered my wayward self.
But gold's hand held me back home,
And I put such dreams on a shelf.
A closer bond I could have forged,
But I chose to let it pass away
Because there was an Imperial "No,"
Which ordered me to stay.
A sharp piercing pain I felt in my chest,
For my heart was returning to its cavity,
The organ was choking on it past dreams
And was blinded by my mind's depravity
We are held back by what is "ours,"
When we mark with an apostrophe.
It ties us to one place and time,
The greatest human catastrophe.

Cruizin, dancin, tacky-ness, and polygamy (in that order) 03.16.89

2009-03-17T00:10:00.000-07:00

I wuz just sitting down to write in here and guess what? R. called me! Cutie, sweetie, my lover (hardy har har) R.P. - Whoah!

Well, anyway, I never wrote about this weekend, cuz I wuz cathing up on last weekend. THIS weekend me and Charles and Ben goofed around. They were supposed to take me home but instead we went cruizin downtown. I had a BLAST.

On Saturday, I went to a choir contest and saw a bunch of people from NTHS. It was so cool cuz they totally begged me to come back!

And then I found out that M. and K. like me! Remember how I said I hoped somebody likes me and I just don't know about it? And Corey, too. Dreams do come true.

Of course, I don't like them, or hadn't considered it until now. How come when I like a guy he doesn't know I exist and when some guy finally likes me, I don't really like him except that I like that he likes me?

I can't wait until I'm married and I don't have to think about it anymore. I guess that is what happens. You finally like the same person who likes you and that's it. Before you know it you're married and you have ten kids.

Then, I went to a regional church dance in some cow town. It was sooooooo fun. on the way home, I rode in back with J. and R. They both fell asleep, one on each shoulder.

And J. is this gorgeous, George Michael type guy who was hinting at homecoming. Cool! Not that I can go to homecoming unless we have a chaperone. I'm not going to date until I'm 16. Dad said he might make an exception for prom and homecoming but Mom sez no way.

I think it would be fun to go in a group. Mom sez a group date is still a date and still "out of the question." This is her favorite phrase. Can you see me rolling my eyes right now? But, if we don't go this year, Ben and Charles and me are going to throw a party instead. Which will be mass fun. And their Mom will make bean dip, and I'll bring my stereo with my records, and it will be awesome!

And R. and me got married, too. He proposed on the way home. I said yes. He gave me his Batman ring. We're going to make it official in Portland at the 24 Hour Church of Elvis. Of course, I'm still going to marry Charles. And maybe R.P. I'm such a polygamist!

Dad wuz all uptight when I got home cuz I caught a ride home with the guys and I got a ride to the dance with K. and her dad. He said it wuz tacky and bad manners to not come home with K. and her dad. And he yelled at me cuz I embarassed him. OH WELL! Dad embarrasses me all the time. That's what families are for.

Then Sunday, I went to M.'s. She told me that R.P. came over Friday night looking for me. How cool! Then we went to a youth fireside for church and I got really hyper on punch and Ben gave me a ride home. Me and Charles were together all night (again).

no (hopes of) physical contact, and i feel fine 03.14.89

2009-03-14T10:48:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in sooooooooooo long and SO much has happened!

Last weekend was pretty AWESOME! I went to M.'s early birthday party at Pizza Place. Everybody was sooooooo obnoxious! It wuz great.

I sat by Charles. We've DEFINITELY decided to be psychologists and get married and have lots of kids. A temple marriage, of course, after we go on missions. And we're gonna compose together too. We are so much alike, it's funny!

That was Friday afternoon. Friday evening I babysat for Eve and Nicholas, who are Charles and Ben's little sister and brother. They were such good kids! We chased each other around the house and they ate my dinner even though I dried it out and burnt it. They didn't eat very much, though.

And when Charles and Ben got back, their parents took Ben out to dinner but Charles stayed. Eve and Nicholas were in bed.

I know you won't believe this, but me and Charles studied the scriptures and watched Family Home Evening movies! Never before have I spent that much time with a guy and felt so good about it without any physical contact!

I WUZN'T sitting there the whole time wishing Charles would hold my hand, or play with my hair maybe just sort of walk by and sort of accidentally kiss my collar bones. Nothing!

Charles is very special to me. I cannot and will not see my future without him as a very close friend. And someday maybe more. But for right now, I get sprung over lots of different guys and have a blast, but somewhere inside I am reserved for Charles. Pretty WEIRD.

Anyway, after Ben and his parents came home, they all went to bed and we just hung out. Arm wrestling, talking, throwing those little jelly bean robbins eggs at each other. It's weird to feel only friendship for Ben, but I really do. Every girl at church went through the Ben stage. I guess mine just lasted longer than usual.

i was only dreaming, i was only trying to catch your eye, i was only... 03.05.89

2009-03-05T21:15:00.001-08:00

I guess what I really want to write down is the dream I had last night. I just have to get up the nerve. But since I've decided not to show this diary to anyone, I'll write it down.

I dreamed I was at a church dance, but they'd changed the rules so amorous embraces were allowed. (You know how everything is just how you want it in dreams?)

Anyways, I was out in a circle on the dance floor with all my friends. We were laughing and dancing like crazy. (I was coordinated. That should've been my first clue that it was a DREAM).

We all got tired and most of them went to get a drink from the water fountain but I just went to the sidelines to cool off.

It was really dark and I didn't realize I had sat down next to Ben. We started talking about school and the dance and all this stuff. And then this slow song came on and we stopped talking. I just looked at the cut glass ball and smiled, thinking about the light and how pretty everything was.

And THEN I thought Ben stood up to leave but I saw his hand reached out to me and we just started dancing, really close. And I was happier than I had ever been. In my dream, I was really thin and pretty and I had a perfect personality.

And the song didn't end and everyone else just faded away. That was joy. The joy I have never known.

I guess I'm still in like with Ben. Too bad all the guys like Anna or Phoebe. I just wish sometimes that I had a totally different life or that I could be a different person. A thin, pretty one that guys liked.

Oh well. I guess I'll just keep hoping that some guy likes me and I just don't know about it.

{A note from 2009: If I'd had ANY idea I would do this to myself 20 years later, I wouldn't have written a single word as a teenager. I almost feel sorry for her. Er. Ahem. Um. Anyway, Ben and Ben's wife (who actually happens to be beautiful and thin and she has a perfect personality) PLEASE don't kill me for posting this entry...}

of course, LIFE IS OVER because ski (boys) school is... 03.04.89

2009-03-04T21:21:00.000-08:00

My last week of ski school! whoah! I'm really DEPRESSED! These have been the best eight Saturdays of my life!

I love skiing! Not only is it the greatest sport in the world, it's a great way to meet people. And by people I mean gorgeous guys! (of course)

Mom and me had a fight this morning (of course). It's part of our daily routine. So I was in a pissy mood. When I talked to Mac and Liam later, they said when I got out of the car I was all snobbed out - and (of course) I apologized. How nice of me. Okay. Anyway.

Mac Haroldsen and confusing mean virtually the same thing! I don't understand him; I never will! I got on the ski bus this morning and right away we played our little eye contact games, only he was in an obscene mood.

I tried not to think about Ben calling him a perverted moron, but I couldn't help it, a little. Who cares though? He is so FINE. Besides, it was funny. I was mass hyper. What can I say? We always have fun.

Then, Mac and Liam invited me to ski with them. So me and Mac rode the chair lifts together all day. On the doubles where it was just me and him, he would be real sweet and sometimes he would lay down in my lap and play with my hair.

He started singing the gross song about grandmas setting each other on fire and he made them homosexual grandmas so I broke in and changed it around so that the two grandmas were eating pop-tarts (ski bus essentials) and drinking tea by the fire. Stupid, yes. But it cracked Mac up.

I'm really paranoid about chair lifts. I HATE getting on and off. So everytime, we got on he'd try to push me out of the way so I'd be scared and grab at him. And then when we'd get off he'd try to run me over so I'd be mad but cracking up at the same time.

He said he loves making me mad at him. Guys are so weird.

When we rode with Liam and Sean on the quads, we'd sit beside each other in the middle and bump back and forth to cheeze Liam off. fun, cuz Liam's not uptight, he just acts like he is to cheeze Mac off. And they're best friends. HILARIOUS!

Me and Liam went inside the lodge after about three hours of skiing cuz the weather wuz really bad. When Mac finaally came back, I wuz dressed in my street clothes and I did my hair and make-up and everything! So, of course, Mac walks in and starts tickling me and totally gives me a noogie! He hugs me a lot, in weird ways.

So, there goes my hair.

We get down to wait for the ski bus and I'm just a little hacked off about my hair. So I run up behind Mac and tackle him into a snow bank. I whitewash his face with snow but he gets me back: BAD.

By the time he's done, my make-up is running small various rivers of color down my face. To be plain, I liked like total CRAP. So I follow after him, climbing farther up the snow bank.

He takes one look at my messed up face and goes: Truce?

I stare down a block of snow at my feet that would make one AWESOME snowball. But I go: Yeah.

So I start to walk off to find Liam so he'll beat up on Mac for getting me all soaked and gross. Anyway, all of a sudden this hard, huge snowball hits me smack dab on the thigh and I couldn't help it, I totally jumped and yelped! It didn't hurt so much as totally surprised me. I give Mac my best stink eye, and he just grins a (can I say this?) horny grin.

A little later, I'm innocently talking to Liam and Mac comes running up and tackles me into the snow. I holler a lot, but I love it and Mac knows it. He's so tan and muscular and blond with these bright blue eyes. But by this time I'm really cold so he gives me his coat. And we all head back to the buses.

We're all sitting on the bus, downing junk food, and I'm yelling at Mac because I'm such a mess and he just grins at me and asks me if I'm gonna sit with him. I don't say anything and go back to trying to fix my hair. Cuz he talked today about some girl he likes and so I'm a little confused because he was totally flirting with me all day.

Anyway, he asks me two more times before I finally go back there. So then he asks me to rub lotion into his legs. I tell him no, but then I do but only to the knee, even though he tells me to go higher.

There goes my memory of Ben in my head (completely unwelcome right now, thank you very much) and imaginary Ben is saying, "Perverted moron, perverted moron."

So I just make it quick and I don't look at Mac at all because I know he's watching me for who knows what reason. Then he wants a foot massage. I tell him he's spoiled. He just grins. And Ben pops into my head, "Perverted moron, perverted moron." But Mac has really nice legs! And let's just say I'm blessed with good hands.

But I'm hyper this whole time cuz I don't want Mac and Liam to think I'm a strumpet. And my jeans are soaking wet and I'm getting cold. I'm the only girl on the whole back of the bus. So, I steal Mac's comforter that we're using and go to a different seat to change.

I get real embarrassed cuz these guys are watching me and my black Levis are really wet and pegged so they won't come off. So Liam offers to help. It's my turn to just grin. I keep myself covered with the comforter the whole time but Mac keeps catcalling and so I hurry, but it's difficult because I'm laughing and trying to get clothes on and hold a comforter all at the same time, and I'm not that coordinated to begin with!

So back in the back me and Mac and Liam spazz out but eventually we start to get quiet, and then out of the blue, Mac pulls me down so my head is resting on his chest and he's running his hand down my arm and suddenly it's very comfortable and I start to fall asleep. So now my legs are in Liam's lap and he's playing with my feet.

I felt really weird because I haven't even had my first kiss yet and here I am practically sleeping on this guy that I think is so gorgeous and so I tried to talk to make it more normal and like we're just friends but Mac just smiles and that's it.

So, now's the confusing part. He likes some girl. So what was all that about? Maybe guys like Mac just flirt with whoever is around. Who knows? Oh well! We go to different high schools so it's not like I have to worry about it. Gotta go!

all sparkle, no shine , oh well 03.03.89

2009-03-03T20:36:00.000-08:00

I just got home from a night IN with Charles and Ben, because, well, we don't drive yet. But, anyway, we were freezing our tushies off, standing out on their gigantic cliff of a driveway.

They were letting me have it about being a traitor and going to the Slimer school and also about the boys I like in ski school because Ben thinks Mac is an idiotic, perverted moron. I don't care. It's not like I want to marry him! I just think it would be fun to have a ncmo with him! Like Ben hasn't had ncmos with really brainless girls?! But Ben thinks I shouldn't chance it because of the pervert/moron factor.

So then we walked in the house because we were cold. We were going to watch TV, but Charles and Ben's mom and dad were making out on the couch!!

I know this sounds dumb, but it was really cool. They were just like, all going, "Oh, hi, kids, how're you?" and Ben and Charles were just like, "Oh, yeah, that's just mom and dad." Like it was no big deal.

I TOTALLY want to make out with my husband after we're super old and have a bunch of kids running around and driving us nuts. My parents barely even look at each other.

Charles told me tonight that I act different. I guess that's because I don't know who I am anymore. I didn't want to be the chubby, brainy, forgettable girl anymore.

Mom said I was a "late bloomer." I didn't really start to notice guys until the 8th grade. And even then, it felt like I had to notice guys or I was weird. Then I pretended like all I do is think about guys and guess what? I've started to only think about guys. It is so dumb!

And most of all, I'm ALWAYS happy. I hide every emotion I feel behind this happiness until I don't know what exists and what doesnt. If I like a guy and I feel he doesn't like me - he'll never know.

I'm just so fake. I have lost the person I really am and I have become the shallow but happy and flirtatious person I always thought I wanted to be.

It's a very lonely feeling. If you don't know yourself, who do you know? If you don't trust who you are, how can you trust anyone else?

That's what's wrong with me. All sparkle, no shine.

Oh well. I'm going skiing tomorrow! Maybe Mac will MAC on me. Hee hee.

some musings about ben, 20 years later...

2009-03-02T20:56:00.000-08:00

One of my dear friends from back in the day (yes, the 80s) emailed me yesterday after reading this blog. She asked, "What WAS the DEAL with 'Ben'? I mean, he's a great guy, but why did every girl we knew like him?"

My friends, I was not the only one with ILWB disease. It was extraordinarily contagious. Ben would laugh if he read this, because he is not at all egotistical. Maybe that is/was part of his charm.

The brothers of Greenlawn street shared some things that made the girls completely, loyally, totally, mass, devotedly in love (for more than a week at a time, which is saying something).

So, listen up all you teenage boys who read this blog! (That demographic came to a grand total of 1 at the last count: my nephew). If you want the ladies to swoon, take a few notes from the Brothers Greenlawn:

*confident but not arrogant
*sweet but not insipid
*hilarious but not pompous
*sarcastic without being cruel
*good looking without being overly annoying about it
*smart but not geeky
*righteous without being self-righteous
*kind without being fake

Ultimately, tho, after giving this more thought, I would have to say that Charles and Ben were remarkable because they were, both of them, pretty sure of themselves and mostly happy. And that is incredibly unusual for ANYONE between the ages of, say, 12 and 18 (or 81?).

ILWB syndrome strikes again sigh 03.01.89

2009-03-01T16:50:00.000-08:00

Somehow, tonight's YM/YW activity migrated to Charles and Ben's house. So, Phoebe and me and Charles and Ben all chilled together.

Phoebe's hair was especially voluminous tonight. Even bigger and curlier than usual. *sigh* AND she is so confident and flirty. **double sigh**

She doesn't use Aquanet. She uses Sebastian. I got my hair done at the salon she goes to and they use it there. It smells really good, but it's really expensive. My Aquanet costs only .89 per can!

So, tonight Ben mostly talked to Phoebe. Charles and I talked more about our plans together. I was making an effort toward my goal of being quieter and sweeter and more of a listener.

So, then Ben and Charles were mimicking Dana Carvey as The Church Lady on Saturday Night Live and then they jumped like fishes or something. It wuz so funny!

I tried to be refined, but then Ben said to me, "Just let yourself laugh. You look funny when you try not to." It wuz a wierd combo insult/compliment. It was an insulment. I just made that up! HAH.

Then, Phoebe had to go home. Too bad! (Hee hee. I love having Ben and Charles to myself... Isn't that awful?) But my parents don't care how long I stay out if I'm with Ben and Charles. HAH. So, Ben and Charles ratted my hair until it was HUGE. Take THAT, Phoebe!

The Brothers of Greenlawn Street (and the Super Cool Little Sis)

P.S. UH OH! Tonight wuz mass fun, and I think I'm still suffering from ILWB disease. WHAT is this strange hold he has over every girl within a 20 mile radius? WHERE is the antidote!?

time off from church 02.26.89

2009-02-26T16:01:00.000-08:00

I'm supposed to be at church right now, but I'm taking some time off. Church bugs me. Sometimes, I want to be good. But sometimes I want to be BAD. Really bad. With guys and stuff.

Plus, mom was getting on my case. Honestly, she makes me nuts. Since this is my new diary (my goal to finish one is officially accomplished!) I'm going to say things that are true and maybe not nice.

All of this is influenced by my mom. I want my kids to read this and be able to understand me, as a real teenager, at this stage in my life.

I hope I'm just going through a stage, but I can't stand to live with my mom another instant! I am in no way like her. We fight at least twice a day. She talks about stupid, unimportant things and has nothing to say when it comes to big things. AND she always finds some stupid excuse to stick her nose where it doesn't belong - like in my room. I'm practically an adult!

So I want my kids to know honestly what I'm like now instead of the fake crap parents always flip at us kids about them being perfect. I don't want my kids to feel as lonley, isolated, and yet boxed in, like I do now.

boondoggle mama (saturday) 02.25.89

2009-02-25T20:18:00.000-08:00

1989: This year will go down in history as a year of major discovery: I actually CAN get my butt out of bed as early as 4:30am, though you wouldn't know it from my sorry seminary attendance.

It is all about the end destination. Is it seminary or is it, could it be...SKIING???!

As it turns out, it's not the road travelled that makes all the difference, but whether the destination is a mountain with a fresh dusting of snow (and really cute guys)!

Liam and Mac saved me a seat on the ski bus this morning. They are so sweet. We all sang Helter Skelter, so no red light district songs. I gave Mac a foot massage so he carried my skiis up the mountain for me.

Then Liam and Mac invited me to ski with them. I started doing awesome! I'm totally paralelling now. Except on Boondoggle. It's a solid cliff of moguls.

I fell down so much that I finally just took off my skiis and tossed them to Mac, who was waiting at the bottom of the run. I just slid down on my butt. So I earned a new nickname. (WHY do my nicknames all have to do with falling down?)

Mac and Liam call me "Boondoggle Mama." Cuz I totally SPANKED that run. uh huh.

I can't figure Mac out. I like to be around him and Liam. They're funny and gross and sweet and totally good looking. Mac laid in my lap on the ski lifts and pushed in my nose and said it is squishy. On the bus ride home, he asked me for a back rub, so I gave him one. No big deal. (He has a really nice back).

I was wearing my sunglasses and totally acted like I was asleep before and after I rubbed his back. But he kept looking at me. I just don't understand.

I swear I could read stuff in his eyes like he WANTED to kiss me but WHY? He totally has a girlfriend and she's really pretty. He said he wants to break up with her, cuz they keep fighting.

Besides, I look terrible when I ski and I'm a total spazz! Maybe I'm reading him wrong or maybe I'm being stuck-up. It's just so WEIRD.

It occurs to me that it would be really cool if he was my first real kiss. It's not like it would count because I'm not in love, but it would be better practice than the back of my hand! Then again, I think Mac has probably kissed a lot of girls (and other stuff, too!) and I would probably make a total idiot of myself.

Broken 02.23.1989

2009-02-23T21:43:00.000-08:00

When time has gone by
I won't feel the pain
Maybe then I won't cry
Every time I hear her call your name.

Why does this have to hurt so much
Why do I feel this way
I look away whenever I see you
Because there's nothing left to say.

She's always with you
You're perfect together, never apart
So I'm left here feeling all alone
Alone with my aching heart

I wish I could let it go
And forget you ever existed
To turn the other cheek
When I see the two of you kissing

I see you holding hands
When I hoped that hand would be mine
This heart can't take it anymore
It can only be broken so many times.

- Mikare Delsa Night {my pen name}

{A word from 2009: Goo! OMH! ucky ucky ucky zoop! ptang ptang. what tripe! what drivel! does anyone have a shovel?}

new diary, new me! 02.21.89

2009-02-22T21:36:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about how I act on the ski bus. In four days, I get to go skiing again and lately I have been bad on the ski bus. I have been hanging out with these really gorgeous guys and so I try to act like someone I'm not.

Last week on the way up to the mountain we told bad jokes (well, I don't know any, but I listened to them) and we told stories, and sang naughty songs, like a nasty song by the Police about Roxanne, a red light girl and another song about grandmas setting each other on fire. And, they've been teaching me to burp. I've been practicing because I didn't know how to burp before and it totally grosses my mom out.

I really want to change and do better, be a better person. Here are some reasons I need to change, and have a better attitude:

1. I cover up my feelings by laughing too much
2. I need to have a softer, more controlled voice
3. I need to toughen up against insults
4. I need to stop acting so immature and stupid
5. I need to stop trying to impress people
6. I need to be kinder to people, more caring, understanding, a listener
7. I need to be more spiritual, more obedient
8. I need to be more sociable so people won't be so turned off by my shyness and think I'm a snob
9. I need to be less self-centered, less cowardly, more self-sacrificing
10. I need to be quieter, sweeter
11. I need to be less judgmental
12. I need to be more considerate of other people
13. I need to be more gracious, have better manners
14. I need to improve the way I think about myself
15. I need a self-esteem

The problem is, sometimes I want to be naughty. But mostly, I want to be good. It is just hard to totally decide and stick with it.

cheezing out over brian 02.20.89

2009-02-20T18:26:00.000-08:00

I walked over to see Brian today (he lives about a block away). He's Doug's little brother, who happens to be my best guy friend, ever (Brian, I mean).

We chased Max and fixed dinner and then we totally jammed on the piano! That was the coolest part of our night. We started to make up a song called Under the Sun - what he did was goofed around with chords and stuff on the piano, and then from that I'd just make up words and a melody as we went along. Brian is a genius at the piano!

We get a long so well - and I love him a lot as a friend. We've been through so much together - and he's always been there to cheer me up when I was down and to help me out of troubles.

I told him about the wine coolers and he said it was good that I didn't drink any, because of the Word of Wisdom and stuff. We're not supposed to drink or smoke or have coffee or do drugs. He said if I ever get in that situation again, I can call him and his mom will come get me. He cares about me and I care about him sooooooooo much.

When I hang out with Brian, I can't even remember why I would care what anyone else thinks about me. I only care that he approves of me, and I know he cares about me the same way God does - that he wants what is good for me. Being with him is so peaceful and happy.

We have our lives planned out together - from small to big things - like daily jamming sessions ranging to college, missions, and jobs. We both want to be psychologists. We'll do therapy on people from our white house with a white picket fence and we'll have lots of kids and both be home with them all day, but we'll have an office outside the house so strangers can't come in. We have the same dreams.

I can't explain how I know that no matter what, no matter how far away he is from me, he's by my side. Just that eternal friend.

I can't believe that I'm out of pages to write in. When I get a new diary, I'll make sure to tell what happened at school today and about last night and what happened today with Matt!

teeny boppers 02.19.89

2009-02-19T20:08:00.000-08:00

Last night wuz crazy! I wuz supposed to go to a dance at the mall, but when I got there I found out the advertising was all mixed up and the highschools' dance is next month! There were all these teeny boppers there and it totally freaked me out! But, a lot of high school people had been there and so I wasn't the only one.

When I was walking out, feeling like a total idiot and that my night wuz ruined, I saw S. and B., two of my popular friends from THS.

We ran into M. who wuz acting dumb and said she wanted to get hashed (drunk) so S. and B. would think she wuz cool. She said she would find someone to give us wine coolers. S. and B. were all going, "Well, ok, you can hang out with us for a while then," (to M.). I was mass embarrassed!

M. took us to B.C., a pizza hang-out for all the teenagers. So, S. and B. walked up to some college guys and asked them to do us a favor. They did, so M., S., and B. went behind the theater to drink. M. chugged a whole two-liter of Berry Wine cooler. I didn't have any because I'm afraid to drink and I've never had any alcohol. But I didn't want S. and B. to think I'm a geek, so I didn't say anything. M. and S. got really drunk, but B. didn't want to drink and I didn't either, so we went back to B.C.

While we were there these guys (GORGEOUS) started hitting on me. It wuz pretty cool. They were from California! I fell in love with the one who liked like John Stamos and Judd Nelson put together! Mmmm. Yummy!

Anyway, the next thing I knew they were arranging to meet us at 1am because S. could sneak out later. (M. wuz laying down in the parking lot saying how drunk she wuz. so STUPID!)

The guys especially told me that I'd better be there. Wow! Amazing! Whoah! But when S.'s mom got there she was all pissed at S. for drinking and so I couldn't stay the night. I bet they met those guys and I DIDN'T. Poop.

Well, not to get all religious and stuf, but I really think somebody up there loves me and was protecting me. I know it. Sounds weird, especially since I couldn't possibly have the Spirit with me after standing behind a theater with people who were drinking wine coolers, but I'm sure nothing good happened with those guys. They were mass older than us and they seemed fine with it.

I won't find out what happened until tomorrow. I can't wait!

PS What a weekend!

introducing... GRACE 02.16.89

2009-02-16T21:42:00.000-08:00

Today, I earned a nickname. I have always wanted a nickname, and my name doesn't really lend itself to pet names, but pet names are proof that someone likes you or at least has thought enough about you to give you a name other than your own and I have always thought it would be cool to have someone call me something other than my boring name.

But, now I have one and I have to say it is a not so gentle reminder of one of my more humiliating personality traits, which is totally mass clutsiness.

I might mention that the steps at school leading to my 4th period class are a very odd width - very wide steps but not super high so you just feel the need to take them fast to make up for the waste of space. I should also mention that my skirts are generally short-ish and on the tighter side. My favorite flats are rather slippery, also. And, it's been freezing and raining... so lots of ice patches on these stupid wide steps.

Somehow, less than one month after transfering to a new school where I am supposed to no longer be the FF Poppy and I am supposed to become the absolutely coolest version of myself possible, I have fallen down no less than three times. Usually in the same place.

The first time, no one saw. The second time, K. saw and helped me up. The third time, Mr. Football Jock saw and now he thinks it is funny to call me Grace.

He also asked me out, so I'm sure he didn't see my butt, at least.

Valen-UGH-GUH!-tines Day 02.14.89

2009-02-14T22:41:00.000-08:00

What a day. Matt is officially going out with Emily. Oh well. I'm so sick of caring I could B-A-R-F. I was trying my hardest not to be depressed all day. Then, I got Valentine balloons in 5th period. They were from Phoebe! She got them for me because she knew how depressed I was. It helped me out so much.

Also, she had them delivered just before the 6th period Algebra class I have with Matt. Her note said, "Let him think someone is madly in love with you!" Phoebe is totally RAD.

So, thanks to Phoebe, I walked into 6th period with all these sweetheart balloons and Matt came up and all tried to talk to me and I was just all mysterious about it. HAH.

I have this feeling that when he came up to me that one day and wouldn't let go of my arm and tried to talk to me that I should have listened. No, I take that back. He should have tried harder. HAH. Like I said, oh well.

I'm not even mad at Phoebe anymore that Ben likes her better than me. He should! She's soooooooooo cool!

heartbreak overload! 02.13.89

2009-02-13T21:44:00.000-08:00

It's the final countdown. Tomorrow, Matt asks Emily and they'll be a couple, officially. On Valentine's Day. UGH GUH!

I'm realizing I made myself like Matt for more than just a summer crush because I wanted to get over Ben but the problem is now I really do like Matt and I think maybe he might have liked me too but he just got over it fast and I'm sure Emily doesn't like him nearly as much as I do. ARRRGH!

If I made myself like him I can make myself not like him and then tomorrow won't be nearly as annoying.

OF COURSE Ben is now all best buds with Phoebe. Ugh. Guh.

So what will I do when Emily comes up to me and goes, "Guess what? He asked me!"

I'll go, "That's awesome! How great! Super!" and I'll smile and laugh and be fake. Because that's what I'm good at: faking. That's what I am. Fake fake fake.

So we don't have cable. I don't tell anyone. It's embarrassing. Anyway, the first time I watched Mtv we were visiting my grandparents (!!).

Yup. My grandparents are cooler than I am.

Anyway, you never forget your first video. John Waite: "STOP THIS heart break over loooooad"!

Officially, I am not in like with Matt anymore. I do, however, massively love John Waite. He gets me.

GroSSSSSS! new rulz, mis amigos

2009-02-12T10:25:00.000-08:00

ok, YUCKO! Thanks for all the submissions to the POETRY CONTEST, but I have something very DEEP and POYGnant and IMPORTANT to say.

Stop it with the nasty poems. I said ANGSTY poems, not NASTY. Nasty is anything that mentions s.e.x or anything to do with s.e.x ESPECIALLY totally GROSS diseases unless you consider kissing and ncmo stuff to be something like s.e.x. It's ok to share poems about kissing, and spirits flying across the sky and sad songs. Plus hearts and unicorns. I haven't even kissed anyone for real yet and NO ONE has kissed my collar bones yet so don't ruin it for me by using fowl language and writing about GROSS stuff. I MEAN IT.

okay?!!

((Go ahead, call me a prude. It's not like I care. (Actually, I'll cry for days over how cruel and mean the world is when I'm just trying to be GOOD and RIGHTEOUS and then I'll even consider praying about it but I'll listen to a John BTW tape instead).)

i go, and she goes, and we go... 02.10.89

2009-02-10T08:58:00.000-08:00

Hiya! Guess what? Well, there's a lot for an answer to that. I'm going skiing tomorrow! Yay!

Well today K. came up to me and I go, "Howz Bobby?" (the guy she likes).

And she goes, "Well today this guy wuz being perverted to me and Bobby got all pissed."

So I go, "Oh, that's so cool. Bobby likes you. I know it!"

Well later, K. showed Phoebe the guy who was being perverted to her. So Phoebe points out the perverted guy to me. And guess what? It was the guy I was supposed to go on a date with tonight. So I dumped him. Perverted guys are so gross!

Matt was all sweet today. He all came up and talked to me and when K. dragged me away to tell me the news he like, grabbed on to my arm and said he still needed to talk to me. But I had to go. When I didn't know he was there I was all hyper and goin' "I get to see N. tomorrow skiing." Then I saw Matt and he just looked at me.

Whenever he's with Emily, I barely say hi but he's all sweet and stuff when she's not around. Don't get me wrong. I like Emily.

Then I was talking to K. and K. and I'm really upset because Matt's gonna ask Emily out. And then they tell me that whenever he's around, I get really distant. And I thought, wow, like I really do. Because I'm not about to show him how I really feel.

He's supposed to ask Emily out on Valentine's day. How romantic. And utterly depressing!

impossible love triangles -- 02.09.89

2009-02-10T08:46:00.000-08:00

Hiya! Well, I transferred and I'm doing pretty good. My classes are mass easy and I've made lots of new friends. The only problem is I miss NTHS more than I thought I would.

I got to THS thinking I didn't like Matt anymore. Well I do. And he likes one of my friends who also likes him a lot. So, I'm stuck. Life is so confusing. I wrote a poem about how I feel about Matt. It's called Crushed.

We also sing a song in Choir called "Here within My Heart" and when we sing it I think of Matt and I hurt somewhere deep deep down inside. It's so tragically romantic!

I'm supposed to go on a date tomorrow with some junior from my 6th period class. I just like Matt so much and it's so impossible that I'm doing everything to forget him.

I better go!

ALONE - a poem from 02/89

2009-02-05T20:49:00.001-08:00

I totally wrote this poem last night. I have no idea why; I wasn't even sad. Well, I guess I was thinking a little about Ben. I try to be sprung over Matt, or JS, or that skiing guy, but really... I think my love for him is an "eternal flame."

Alone
I stand alone
As the sun sinks over the trees.
And I remember
you and me
And the way we used to be
Once upon a time
We stood together
And watched the sun go down
Two shadows hand in hand
So in love, not alone
There's a part of you
and a part of me
Where the sun goes over
the land
Our spirits fly
Across the sky
The only thing changed
Is they're not hand in hand
This time
I stand alone
As the sun sinks over the trees
And I remember
You and me
And the way we used to be

{A note from 2009: Can I just say that this has got to be the WORST of all angst poetry!? Bad rhymes, mentions of sunsets, spirits flying across the sky. I DEFY anyone to submit a worse poem than this. GO ahead; I won't believe it until I read it!}

so SPRUNG over SKI(boys)ING!! - 02.05.89

2009-02-05T20:21:00.000-08:00

It's SNOWING. We've totally been out of school for four days! What's so sucky is I got sick at the same time. And, even though I finished finals, I haven't gone to THS yet.

Still, I had an AWESOME day skiing on Saturday. I'm still lousy at the skiing part, but the guy part is totally RAD. Saturday I met a guy named Nate who is totally terriffic in every way. Very sweet. Very smart.

But, oh, did I mention he's also a model for Generra line clothing, and for The Bon and Nordstroms, too? He's paid like $3,000 a job on the average. He's 16, sweet, gorgeous, built, filthy rich, a skiier, and oh yeah, he drives a jeep.

I totally heart him. He skiied with me all day. Ok, so I snowplowed and he skiied and went off jumps while I just tried to get down the stupid hill. Skiing would be totally LAME if it didn't involve lots of cute guys!

We met on the ski lift. I LOVE ski lifts. Ski lifts are the best part of skiing.

Tomorrow is my first day at THS. I'm sooooooo scared, but excited too. Wish me luck!

Adolescent Angst Poetry Contest Details

2009-02-02T11:32:00.000-08:00

********************

Dig out your old journals and diaries for our

Adolescent Angst BAD Poetry

EXHIBITION!

********************

Guidelines
Ideally, submissions meet the following criteria...
--Written many years ago, during a fit of adolescent angst
--No strong emotional attachments to the poem, please
--Hopelessly self-indulgent and self-involved
--Rhyming preferred
--Up to five submissions accepted per person

Submission Details
--Submit your poetry to 80s.angst@gmail.com
--Include "angst poetry contest" in the subject line.
--Provide email or snail mail contact information.

Deadlines
--Submissions accepted until March 15th.
--Voting begins ten days later, on March 25th.
----Beginning March 25th a poll of poem titles appears at top left of this blog.
----The poll will list the top five angsty poems by title.
----Read the most recent posts; each will contain one of the top five poems.
----Use the polling feature to vote for your poem.
---Voting ends on April 14th.

Prizes
--Winner (popular favorite) receives $50 gift certificate to Barnes & Noble
--2nd runner up receives year subscription to Poets & Writers magazine
--TOP 5 receive never-ending fame and glory as permanent posts on the 80s Adolescent Angst blog.

Poetry for the Romantically Depressed

2009-01-28T01:21:00.000-08:00

I'm, so, like mass inspired right now! Reading my last entry totally reduced me to tears! I'm so romantically depressed!

My best bud, Anna, and I totally read our poetry to each other whenever we have a sleepover. But, since her stupid parental unit moved her six hours away, I'm asking people to send me their poems so we can have poetry readings, still, like, you know?

Adolescent Angst Poetry totally RULZ!

get ready for it: angsty poem #1 of 487...

2009-01-27T22:29:00.000-08:00

I wrote this poem last night when I was so depressed... Being miserable is great for writing lyrics!

Heartache
I wanted to play a sad song
But it was too painful to hear the words.
I wanted to reach out to someone
Who has known this confusion and hurt.
Who can till me your story, baby?
Who will tell me a lie?
And what will bury this heartache
Just so I can get by?
So many flat words in a notebook
So many tired goodbyes
Too much fear and loss
And the deadness in your eyes
I guess now I'm singing a sad song, baby.
Yeah and I'm writing it all for you.
Even though I'm kissing someone else
Who happens to feel what I do.
It passes the time, and who knows? Only you can say
That despite all the pain we can be together again,
Someday.

So tragically depressed! 01.25.89

2009-01-27T21:55:00.000-08:00

I guess a lot's been going on. Anna's mom got married and moved her whole family, like, six hours away. So, I just talked to Anna on the phone and I'm going to stay with her this summer for at least a few weeks.

Sister Isabel is moving away. I understand why she wants to leave, but I'm going to miss her. She says it is her husband's job, but I really don't think so.

I registered at THS. I'm doing better in ski school. My class calls me "Pokie" cuz I'm slow and cautious and stuff. It's funny. I don't care at all.

For a while I felt lousy about JS and being fooled and used. I wuz still nice to him, but now I can't believe I let myself feel lousy over a stupid, skinny, boy-faced guy.

I didn't go to school today. I was just too tired. Last night I kinda sorta had an emotional breakdown. I just bawled and bawled and wondered why my life was such a complete disaster and why I should bother worrying about church and grades and how people just come and go from my life and what people think about me, say about me, say to me.

I know this sounds so weird, and I was so tragically depressed at the time, but today I'm glad I cried about things. It feels good to feel, even when the feelings are painful, as long as I can get them out somehow.

Mom and Dad were out for the night, and Nate wasn't here. I put on the saddest music I could think of and felt AWFUL about everything - Sister Isabel's baby, starving children, missing children, war, Anna moving, not liking myself, my friend whose dad is an alcoholic, my mom and dad being so unhappy in their marriage, all of it.

It occurs to me that faking happiness all the time has made me fake things to myself. But when I think about the things I really care about and not just boys, I don't know what to do with all of it. But at least I still think about important things and I can feel something about the important things. I just don't know why the feelings I have about important things have to be so negative.

And I still think the "Don't worry; be happy" song is meant for people who live on the beach and don't have to get good grades or worry about money, but at least I can go back to faking it now, and maybe it's not faking.

Sister Isabel - 01.12.89

2009-01-26T12:33:00.000-08:00

My Young Women's teacher, Sister Isabel, lost her baby. I feel more angry than anything. She didn't deserve it! She was out searching for M. because M. totally freaked out and ran off while it was raining and Sister Isabel wanted to make sure M. was safe.

M. is so freaky when she's off her medication. But, I should have gone after her so Sister Isabel didn't have to. I should have been there for her! I was too worried about my own selfish problems that I didn't lissten to hers when she tried to tell me.

Mom let me get roses for Sister Isabel, but it seems like not enough.

When I took her the roses, all she cared about was me. She's so good. How are people that good? She told me that I could pray about what is on my mind. What is on my mind is that God is not very fair. Sister Isabel is so sweet and kind and she really wanted this baby. I don't get God at all. How do you pray when all you feel like saying is, I don't like what's going on down here. You let really bad stuff happen, or You make it happen, and it doesn't make sense!

At the funeral, they brought out this tiny casket and it was pouring down rain and the tarp I was standing under started gushing water down my back but I didn't care. I don't know if she can have babies anymore. She's so young, but something went wrong with her blood and the baby's blood. I think the baby was born alive, but died after birth. I think when I get older I will have a baby and give it to her. And, I'll pray for her. Not for me, but for her. Am I capable of being even that least bit selfless? I don't know.

.

kicked out of weight watchers...01.11.89

2009-01-26T12:23:00.000-08:00

I wuz supposed to start Weight Watchers tonight but they made me wait another week. According to some group of old ladies, I'm "in range" for a healthy weight and my mom has to stay and say I can go on a stupid diet. BUMMER! I'm trying not to eat much but it's not working. Last week, I only ate granola bars and vegetables but I almost passed out after exercising.

I talked to Joey today in Health about skiing. He thinks it's cool that I like it so much. He told me its in my blood, because Nate is a back country skiier and totally fearless. I said I can't even get down the bunny hill without landing on my face. Still, I told him that if he drives us up there, we could totally skip and I'd pay for our lift tickets. He wuz mass happy!

Tomorrow's Thursday, so we're only a few days from Saturday and Saturday means....

SKIING!!!!

So, JS told Nikki that he likes both me and her. That is just stupid. I am not interested in someone who can't make up his mind. I guess that's weird, though, because I kind of like lots of people. Anyway, I'm just going to have fun!

the butt that ben saw... 01.09.89 (Monday)

2009-01-25T21:40:00.000-08:00

Today wuz so weird! I just had the best day! And, I had a lousy day! It was like that dumb novel about mice that I'm supposed to read for English. Who cares about mice? We're in high school! Enough with Cinderella and her singing pets already!

Just kidding. I actually know that Of Mice and Men is not about Cinderella.

[A little note from 2009: It is really unclear when I figured out that the famous opening lines, "It was the best of times. It was the worst of times." are actually from A Tale of Two Cities. But, no matter. This blog is NOT about literature. It is about hair, as you will read very soon.

It started out great because I actually got up in time to do my hair and make up before seminary (instead of skipping seminary with K and K to fix my hair in the church bathroom...)

My hair turned out for once! It takes forever to do my hair. First, I have to wash it (DUH) and then I blow it dry upside down while I scrunch it, and then I put it up in rollers. After the rollers cool, I run just my fingers through it and then I use my curling iron to spiral curl the top layer.

I spray it before and after I curl it so it will hold the curl. You can actually HEAR your hair frying while you fix it. This is why deep conditioning is so important. I found a new hair spray that smells like apples, and it doesn't smell half bad while cooking my hair. Anyway, when the hairspray is dry, I hang upside down and spray all of it. Then I curl my bangs.

The bangs get really tricky, because they have to be straight up, then curl back but they can't be clumped. Sometimes I actually have to rewash my bangs and start over. One girl told me she actually hangs upside down when she sprays her bangs, so they'll be taller.

Anyway, the bangs have two sections - one curls back and one curls under. The bangs that curl under can't be too poofy or too straight and they can't be clumped, either. It takes FOREVER. It takes me about two and a half hours to get ready in the morning, so you can see why I never get to seminary on time!

Last night my brother's girlfriend, Jen, brought me a bunch of her super cool clothes. She's in college but she goes to Evergreen. She sez clothes don't matter there, so I can wear her stuff this semester! She's RAD. What a sweetie. So, I have this great new Bennetton shirt and some International News sweatshirts now and another Generra shirt, too. She also gave me her black acid wash miniskirt and another denim mini skirt and they totally fit!

So, today I tried to look my best, in hopes of seeing JS at school. And, mom dropped me off for seminary (I think she was in SHOCK) but I was still running just a little late. I was wearing my new mini skirt and it's a jean skirt, so it doesn't stretch very much for me to walk. I was trying to walk fast, but I was also wearing sling-back flats (finally, a cool pair of shoes, from Jen, of course). I had my binder out because it doesn't fit in my International News bag (the bag is cotton and it kind of rips if I put my binder in it) and so I was running as fast as I could for the door to church.

I'm really not sure what happened. I reached my hand out to open the door while I was still running. The new flats were really slippery and the concrete sidewalk to the church might have been a little wet. But, all I know is my binder flew out of my hands and my bag dumped out with the force of the fall. My feet flew over my head and I could totally HEAR my butt hit the door. Did I mention it is a heavy glass door? Glass, as in SEE-THROUGH? Did I mention that BEN was on the other side of the door?

Yes, not only did I completely dish it, but I dished it in front of Ben. Not only did I dish it in front of Ben, but I dished it in such a way that my butt smooshed against a door. Not only did my butt smoosh against a door, the door was also glass.

I do NOT remember picking myself up, or picking up my books, or my binder, or putting it all back in my bag, or standing up, or walking through the door. I remember getting to the other side of that STUPID door and Ben was still there, completely bent over, shaking. He was laughing SO HARD that he wasn't making any sound. None. And he was still holding the phone. I guess he had come to the foyer to make a call just in time to see my butt hit the door.

He kept trying to look up and at me and he kept trying to say (I THINK he was trying to say) "Are you ok?" But he couldn't talk and laugh at the same time. And then I THINK he was trying to say "Sorry" because he felt bad about laughing at me. I think I laughed too. I HOPE I laughed. I don't remember. All I could think was, "OH NO! BEN saw my butt!"

Have I ever mentioned in here that my butt is NOT my best feature? I love the styles right now because everything hides the butt. Long sweaters. Long shirts. I actually kind of like my ankles. My calves aren't half bad. As a matter of fact, they are pretty muscular. They happen to be muscular, because they have the unfortunate job of CARRYING my big BUTT around. The BUTT that BEN saw.

You know what I figured out right then and there? Even though Ben put his arm around me (I still love his arms) and even though he asked me if I was ok (when he could speak again) and even though he was actually very sweet and apologized for laughing so hard even though I could totally tell he STILL wanted to laugh more...

I figured out that I can lose weight, I can get a better personality, I can fake that my family is spiritual and happy, but there is NO WAY Ben is ever going to like me. You know why? Because of the butt. He saw it. He not only saw the butt, but he saw the SMOOSHED butt. The butt that, billboard-sized as it is, got even wider from the smooshing and the force of the smooshing. All hope is gone. I might as well fall madly in love with Matt or JS or anyone else. There is no way back.

The good news is my hair still looked RAD. Somehow, no flat spots.

I saw JS in the halls and he totally waved at me between classes. AND he told Nikki, who told me, that he likes me. So, that would make it a great day, despite the butt incident, right? Nope. So, Nikki was going out with JS before and still likes him. And she thinks he told her that he likes me just to make her jealous. How great! I'm way into games. They are so fun. NOT!

I don't know if he's playing games or if she's playing games, but they have my blessing. I feel stupid for being used! So, does that make it a lousy day? Not really! Who cares? I'm OUTTA here. My official transfer notice came in the mail today! So, it is the BEST day. It doesn't matter.

Besides, only one guy has seen my butt, so I still have a chance with the rest of them. Ha ha!

ski school, part 1: boys boys boys and, oh yeah, learning to snow plow 01.07.88

2009-01-25T17:29:00.000-08:00

Well, hiya! Today wuz my first day of ski school.

I LOVE SKIING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's such a blast! It's kind of like flying. Well, mostly I just fell down a lot but I love it sooooooooooo much. I've already met tons of new people! Mostly through classes and the ski bus, but I'll make it a point to meet more. There are so MANY gorgeous guys up there. Problem is, I'm always looking my worst - FLAT hair, STREAKED make-up and these stupid puffy ski suits make me look like a cow! But I can't wait to go again!

I think I'm going to be sore tomorrow. Not so much from the work out but from falling down. I totally just took a long bubble bath and listened to my mix tape (I love I'll Be There for You by Bon Jovi! I put it on the mix three times in row. I totally learned the harmony!). Now I'm so pruny and relaxed and chilled out. I love it!

Toward the end of the day, I was proud of myself because I had figured out how to snow plow down the bunny hill. The tricky part was getting on and off the ski lift. You have to figure out how to get in place before the seat like wipes your feet out from under you, and I'm still really slow. You wait in line, and when it's your turn, they're like "GO!" and you have to get into place FAST.

If this tells you anything, the first thing we learned in class was how to fall down. Because, you fall down A LOT.

Then, at the top of the lift, you have to hop off right away and ski out of the way. None of this is very easy if all you know how to do is snow plow. Snow plowing is putting your skis in a triangle in front of you, putting the tips together but NOT crossing them, and then you sort of bend at the knees, then plant your pole, and turn in a triangle around the pole.

I'm so clutsy! It is all worth it, though, once you start moving! Anyway, I came down the hill and I was trying to stop and get in line at the same time. I heard this little kid saying to his dad, "Does it hurt when you fall down?" And right then, I totally crossed my skis in front of each other and completely wiped out and kind of fell on my face. So this kid's dad goes, "It hurts when you do that." And he could barely say it because he was laughing. Jerk-face. But then he helped me up and introduced himself, and grabbed my poles which I think flew over my head when I fell.

It is absolutely impossible to act cool after you snow plow yourself into a lump on the ground. Skiing = no dignity whatsoever. Bad hair + lots of falling, +fluffy diaper butt = huge dork. You tell me (whoever you are) why it's so much fun. I have NO idea. But it is totally RAD. My kids are going to learn to ski when they are little. Because then you get the dork part out of the way before it matters.

On the way home, I became friends with a guy, JS. He's a real sweetheart! I also became friends with another guy, AR. But mostly I talked with JS cuz he sat closer to me. He played with my hair until I almost fell asleep. Not to be conceited, but I think he might like me. JS and AR seemed to compete for my attention. Nothing worth getting a big head about, though. It's not like there are a whole bunch of girls on the ski bus.

Anyway, on the way home it was me and JS, like totally - with AR becoming a little more forward. It wuz funny because JS wuz sitting behind me and AR wuz sitting across from me and some other guy wuz sitting next to me. So I wuz turned sideways to talk with them and JS kept playing with my hair so AR asked to switch seats with JS and JS totally said no. It wuz funny and a little weird. I'm not used to guys paying attention to me. But he kind of laid down on my arm, and one time he kind of like rubbed my back and when he stretched out his leg he kind of rubbed mine with his foot. Now, you tell me! Is that what a guy does when he likes you? I can't be sure, but it was nice, anyways.

We talked about EVERYTHING. School, skiing, ourselves, jokes, parties, other people. It wuz so fun! 3 hours went way tooooo fast. It seemed like 30 minutes! Of course, it turns out he goes to NTHS, so put that in the column of reasons not to transfer. (I can't believe I'm saying this! Great drama and english departments plus NO MORE FF POPPY versus stupid boy who played with my hair. I'm so DUMB sometimes!) But, I really like JS a lot, at least as a friend anyways. Well, gotta scoot!

"In the journal...I create myself."

2009-01-25T12:57:00.000-08:00

Posthumously, Susan Sontag's journals are available to the public, edited and published by her son. The following is an interesting excerpt from 1957, and apt for this blog.

"In the journal I do not just express myself more openly than I could do to any person; I create myself.

"The journal is a vehicle for my sense of selfhood. It represents me as emotionally and spiritually independent. Therefore (alas) it does not simply record my actual, daily life but rather -- in many cases -- offers an alternative to it.

"There is often a contradiction between the meaning of our actions toward a person and what we say we feel toward that person in a journal. ...We rarely do know what people think of us (or, rather, think they think of us).... One of the main (social) functions of a journal or diary is precisely to be read furtively by other people, the people (like parents + lovers) about whom one has been cruelly honest only in the journal..."

{I'm so totally bored right now. Can we just get to the diary already? So what, Sontag's mass smart. Did she ever write any rhyming poems? Well?! Let's get on with my tragic deepness, already.}

Though the diaries of "Trista" suffer in comparison to the acuity of Sontag's thoughts, the startling, harsh, informed glitter of her opinions, and the worldliness of her experiences , it is interesting to note, nonetheless, that a diary is a form of creating oneself - simultaneously typical, mundane, wholly remarkable, and singular.

Ewwwww! Grossssss! -- 01.02.89

2009-01-22T22:14:00.000-08:00

So, I totally meant to write in here about this way nasty class we had before break, but I hadn't found a good enough hiding place for this diary. Now, I found a great place where there is still carpet in my closet but I ripped up the rest in my room, so I can totally slide this diary underneath the old closet carpet and you can't even see it!

Joey was in this health class I had to take this semester. My brother told Joey to watch out for me this year. He sits on my right and R. sits on my left. So, we pretty much goof off the whole time and pass notes in class.

Our teacher is cool; she's the volleyball coach. And, she's very like tough and says everything just like it is. So, when she said we had to have a s-e-x ed class, I thought we would just get the basics, like where babies are from, and we'd be done. NOOoooo. It was MASS embarrassing!

First, she tells us all about all this stuff you have to use. I'm not KIDDING. I am staying a virgin til I DIE. Then, she gets out this stupid banana and puts a U KNOW WHAT on it! It had a little hat thing and everything. I could have DIED. Both Roger and Joey were shaking because I kept gasping and then putting my hand over my eyes. It was HUMILIATING. And then she talked about stuff I have never heard before. I can't even remember all of it because I tried to think of something else.

Finally, at the end of class, I leaned over to Joey, and I whispered, "What was she TALKING about? What is that?" And he totally goes, "If you don't know that by NOW, I'm sure as hell not going to be the one to tell you."

Will someone please just let the portable swallow me up now? I am SO glad we had break right after that class. Now I can pretend like it never happened. It was the WORST. Because, not only was I so embarrassed, but apparently I'm the only stupid person on the planet who knows nothing about this stuff! UGH! GUH!

Yet ANOTHER reason to transfer to THS. Sheesh.

Partying, cuz like it's 1989! -- 01.01.89

2009-01-22T21:57:00.000-08:00

Happy NEW YEAR! I love the new year, starting over! All that possibility! I rang in the new year babysitting: no parties, no sleepovers, no dances, no boyfriend to kiss. So my first resolution is to actually have a social life in 1989!

Here are the rest of my resolutions:
1. Lose 30 pounds in two months (15 Jan, 15 Feb).
2. Go to Timberline.
3. Become good friends with Matt.
4. Have a boyfriend (ideally, Matt).
5. Earn money to buy tons of new clothes.
6. Get good grades - at least 3.8 GPA
7. Plan a homework schedule and keep up with it.
8. Get along with my parents (that's going to take the most work).
9. Learn to ski.
10. Save money for a formal gown to go to May dance. (The one I want is 199.00, and that's on sale.)

11. HAVE A BLAST IN 1989!!!

I really gotta scram, jam, whatever! (I love these colored pens. Sooooo fun!)

a little extra holiday weight - 12.27.88

2009-01-21T23:55:00.000-08:00

fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat

Did i say i am crazed for shortbread? not so very pleasant after ingesting, like, a whole tin. a moment on the lips, and forever shaking around my butt. UGH! GUH! Now, when I run I feel little shortbread cookies clinging to my hips, yelling, "Hell no, we won't go!"

1988 is going to be over soon and I'm babysitting on New Year's Eve. Sooooo exciting.

Charles asked me out today but i said no because - i don't know - i'm just so sad and messed up. He is truly an incredible person. Why ruin it? We've been friends since we were like, 3, or something. He says I was really bossy when we were little. He'd come play at my house and I made him kiss me before he could leave. What a little trollop I was.

I wonder when I'll finally kiss someone for real. must stop eating shortbread...ooooooh shortbread. it is never far from my mind. just like guys and religion, believe it or not.

I lost my contact down the sink, so I have one brown eye and one green eye. so0ooOOoo prettyfulous.

I saw RS at the mall today. He's sooo gross, a total perv! But good looking. It's so weird; I finally feel like I've created a niche at NTHS and now I'm not sure I want to leave. What if THS just ruins everything? What if my credits get screwed up and I have no friends and my life goes down the tubes, what then?

I just want to be happy but it seems like a full time job, and one I'm not very good at yet.

the big brother's triumphant return...12.18.88

2009-01-21T23:05:00.000-08:00

NATE'S FINALLY HOME!!!!! He's not spending any time with me, the bum! Of course, he has his college girlfriend and his girlfriend from here to keep up with and away from each other. It would be hilarious if I weren't a girl. Guys, even my adored brother, can be such jerks! But I love him. He's always watching out for me.

I still haven't done any homework. So what? You know why? Because I got accepted to THS! Nothing can bring me down now! I'm so happy!

I refused to go to church today. My parents are mass all over my case! But if it wuzn't church, it would be something else. Other people may annoy me, but words can't explain the torture I go through every day with them. I'm going to go insane if I don't go away. I think I already have. They bug the goochies out of me!

Everything else is merry merry merry....Merry Christmas! ha ha!

walls closing in...must escape...no way out...i'm melting... 12.17.88

2009-01-21T22:55:00.000-08:00

My life is going down the drain, basically. Today I had a ronchy fight with my mom and dad. They bug the poop outta me! They rank on me all the time and invade my privacy. I really can't stand it here. I feel so closed in. The anger just fills me up so bad. After the fight I went jogging - I didn't care where.

Nate was suppozed to come home from college today but had car trouble and my dad's going to get him.

And I was hoping to see Matt today at the mall but didn't.

I'm 2 days behind in my homework.

I have to get out of here. It's driving me crazy. My parents don't have one good word to say. I asked mom of she and dad are getting a divorce. She sez not.

Ben's treating me like an insect. He's such a geek! I'm so glad I found Matt. Now he has to find me! Better scram.

PS I YMatt 4 - ever no matter what!

new, improved, better... 12.13.88 (later)

2009-01-21T21:54:00.000-08:00

a day to commemorate like 4 ever *********** 12.13.88

2009-01-21T21:19:00.000-08:00

I commemorate this day as the day I visited that wonderful school, THS, and knew for sure that I must go there or DIE.

I Y THS. AND I Y Matt even MORE. Y HE IS RAD.

I walked through that school and all of a sudden, I was accepted.
NO MORE FF POPPY!!
These people liked me. They wanted to talk to me. I made so many friends in just 20 minutes! I want to go there so BAD.

I saw Matt, too. He came up and gave me a big hug and showed me around. Y He's so gorgeous! And he's the sweetest guy I've ever met! I love him even more for getting me over Ben. I am over Ben and it's about time!

Amanda and Audrey and Yolanda told me how excited Matt wuz when he found out I wuz coming. They think he likes me, but I don't. Then Audrey told me how Mara said all the gorgeous guys would like me because I wuz so pretty. BULL. I only WISH. Mara is so popular - She's such a sweetie!

I just hope Matt still likes me, though don't get me wrong. It would be nice to break some hearts for a change!

Phoebe said no one would like me, cuz I wuz so obnoxious. She wuz kidding, but I agree. I'm OBNOXIOUS and it has to stop. Also, I'm pale. And I'm fat. And I need a face lift.

It occurs to me that I don't know what a face lift is, exactly. I think it is a big makeover where they peel your skin off, and stuff. So, I have a plan. I'll put it in here later!

Wahooooooooooo. I have 2 things to say in closing.

1. I Y MATT!
2. THS, Here I come!

Gotta jog (as U-Know-Who would say, not that I care what HE says anymore!)

insufficient churchy-ness - 12.08.88

2009-01-20T15:52:00.001-08:00

A lot is happening right now, inside me anyway. Let me try to stop being a boy crazy airhead and write something that really matters to me.

I've made a few decisions. And right or wrong, that's what they are. If I'm accepted, I'm going to THS 2nd semester this year.

I need a change of pace, if only to sort things out in my head. My life seems turned upside down and I don't really know how to change it.

I've been exercising a little and making a small effort to eat less.

My room is a haven for me at this time. I redecorated it, ripped up the carpet, painted the pink walls white and the trim black, cleared out all the kid stuff. It's just my books, pictures, and music. Most of my time is spent here.

School is all of a sudden going fantastic socially. Grades? I think I'll receive my first B's ever this semester. Yikes! Mom and Dad really get on my nerves, so family life isn't going too swift. But Ben? He said he cannot understand anyone who doesn't like their parents.

It occurs to me that there is a hierarchy at church, where we are all supposed to be brothers and sisters and one big family under God. Love thy neighbor, blah blah blah. Sure we do, as long as our neighbor is righteous and churchy and has family home evening every week.

My dad says there is a pecking order (like chickens who peck at each other) in high school. Usually the prettiest or the most athletic people whose parents have the most money are at the top. Don't tell me church isn't the same way. Only, it is about who has the best family, the best behaved kids, the super churchy callings, who is Mia Maid president, blah blah blah. Then, add to that all the looks and money stupidness.

Sometimes I feel so alone there because my family is small and not close and we don't take up an entire pew and my parents never fight but they definitely don't enjoy each other's company, either.

Whatever I felt for Ben, it never was. We're from different classes, you know. Like, my family is not the happy, celestial type and his is very close. Who cares that we live a block apart? They all love each other and laugh together over dinner and my house is silent and we're "strangers to one another." (My grandma said that when she visited us for my baptism).

One-sided relationships are quite poopy. All feelings for Ben are respectfully dead, buried, gone. I'm glad. That experience was exhausting. And, I'm going to be exhausted if I don't go to bed now.

grouching around - 12.03.88

2009-01-20T01:37:00.000-08:00

I'm babysitting tonight. The baby is so good and cute. I think he's kind of sick. He's been sleeping for a while now and his parents may not be home until 2am. It's only 10:30pm now and I'm kind of worried.

I used to want a baby and now I don't. It gives me an ulcer, all the worrying and responsibility. I still love babies, though.

I haven't written in sooooo long. Sad. My life is pretty screwed up right now. It has been for a while. Disorganized, too. I feel so out of place. Like I'm a failure at everything. I'm never satisfied. I'm always grouching around and tired and procrastinating about something.

DO IT!!!

That was President Kimball's motto. I'm kind of in the middle of one of his books, The Miracle of Forgiveness. It was on the bookshelf and it gives me hope but it also makes me realize how wicked I am. So does seminary.

Sister H. tells us that sin is like a nail in a board and you can repent and the nail will come out but the hole is still there in the board. Why go through the agony of repenting, then, I wonder? I'll have to ask about it.

I've been faking happiness lately. I don't want to be fake, but I don't want to wander around all depressed "oh feel sorry for me" either. I wish I could pray, but my unbelief and sin and guilt stop me.

I want to be happy for real and I know if I could just do what's right all the time, then I would be happy but sometimes I think my life is too screwed up.

I swear sometimes and I am not very nice to my parents and I say things I don't mean and I also don't think very nice things about people. President Kimball's book even says we're not supposed to use "loud laughter" and I laugh loud all the time!

I think I need help but my parents would just lecture me and Anna would just tell me all the good things I like to hear but that won't help me be a better person.

I better go check on the baby.

giving thanks - 11.24.88

2009-01-19T22:23:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving. I had mass fun visiting Nate at college. It was pretty cool. And, I totally stole his Swatch! He said I could have it because I wore it the whole time I was there.

It's way too bad I wasn't born 4 or 5 years earlier. All of the great, mature guys are bunches older than me. One of Nate's roommates was asking me what I like to do and what I'm studying.

Nate was all like, "She's my sister, you moron!" And then my stupid big brother had to tell his roommate how old I am. What an IDIOT.

So his roommate goes, "Just think, when you were born, I was nine years old." He was so buff! And, he was a return missionary.

I started to say, "That doesn't bother ME," but Nate totally gave me a noogie and made me shut up.

And, I got Nate in trouble with his girlfriend because her friend saw me and Nate together at the bank (he was hugging me because I brought a check for him from mom and dad) and his girlfriend's friend was all calling her and telling her Nate was cheating on her and I had to show her my student ID with my name and everything. It was HILARIOUS.

I am serious, though, I have to stop thinking about guys before I get myself in trouble. I mean it! I haven't even kissed anyone for real yet, but I am already in trouble with God cuz He knows my thoughts and in my thoughts I am not as righteous as I need to be, to say the least.

(I still want someone to kiss my collar bones! But, I need to repent for that because it occurs to me how would someone go about kissing my collar bones without it being some kind of a nicmo? [A nicmo is Ben's word for non-commital make out session] But, aren't nicmos ok as long as no one has to do a hand check?

I'm not exactly sure what is involved in a nicmo but I'm afraid to ask Ben and Charles because they will just laugh about the tongue-in-the-ear fiasco and I CANNOT ask Nate or he will lock me away in my room and toss the key in the toilet).

Since it is Thanksgiving, I should mention what I'm thankful for:
1. My big brother, who by moving away to college has lifted the curse of the older brother
2. Incredibly buff and righteous return missionaries who think I'm older than 14
3. My friends, especially Anna, Charles, Ben (sigh) and Phoebe
4. My parents, who flew me down to visit Nate at school even though I can be a total wench
5. The possibility of transferring so I won't be the FF Poppy anymore
6. My new Swatch (wink, wink)

an uncurable disease - 11.15.88

2009-01-19T19:18:00.000-08:00

I've got an uncurable disease. It is called ILWB syndrome. In Love With Ben syndrome. Always and 4 ever! I really don't know what to do. I like Matt a lot. But what I feel for Ben runs soooo deep. And he is the only guy I never stopped liking, even though I said it and thought it.

I can fake I don't like him but it gets harder and harder. Especially when he looks straight into my eyes and I can't read what his are saying. Every time we look at each other, I try to figure out what he's feeling but I can't.

He's probably thinking, "I'm hungry right now. I think I'll have a sandwich." Sometimes I catch him off guard and he'll look away. Especially last Sunday when Anna said he was watching me, and then I'd look at him, and then he'd look away.

I wish I had powers of ESP or something, so I could read his mind. Then again, if I had ESP, I could read everybody's mind. Which would be RAD because then I would know the truth. It is so hard to figure out.

What I think about myself (fat+ugly+stupid most of the time) seems like it is true, but then my friends say something totally different and guys do notice me (now, at least) but I still feel like my friends could be lying and the guys could just be doing what guys do and it is really hard to tell for sure.

And even if I COULD read minds, is what they are thinking even true or accurate or is it just as screwy as what I think? It's not like I'm a fabulous judge of character.

I'm so excited to go see my big bro in college. That will be mass fun! I wrote him a letter but I'll have to give it to him when I get there because I forgot to mail it. I bet when I get there I will forget all about high school boys. Right? Hasta la vista, Ben! Yeah, sure.

Why do I keep torturing myself. JUST LET IT GO! I'm SO DUMB. And tired.

a note from Doug - 11.14.88

2009-01-19T10:42:00.000-08:00

Today was sooooooo funny. Doug was joking around in seminary and gave me this note, asking me to be his girlfriend but like when we were in gradeschool, with the yes and no boxes. I could not stop laughing. Earlier, I might have cried (at home, of course) because he was just teasing, but now it's like, really funny.

I kept bugging him to write me a note and this is what I got. Santa vaca! (That's spanish for holy cow. I'm taking Spanish next year. Doug takes Spanish and he says it is RAD). The note I wrote back looked something like this:

HILARIOUS. Then I wrote him about 3 really long notes, just to make him feel bad for writing me such a short note, the geek.

Roger is still mad at me because I called him a geek. I was calling everybody a geek. He's so sensitive.

I told Doug that I don't like Matt anymore. I mean, how can I? I only see him at football games.

I wonder if Doug was serious about his idea for the note but didn't know how I'd react so he made a joke. There I go, being conceited again. One more week until I fly down to see my brother!

This all brings to mind something that I need to remind myself. I don't ever want to be stuck-up. In seventh grade, all the girls were so stuck-up.

Once, I said to Sandy that I was going to a party. She said, "Oh and what are you going to do there? Eat cake and ice cream?" Like that was totally nerdy and stupid. As it happens, yes, it was going to be a cake and ice cream party but I felt stupid all the same.

And then, Sandy and Libby went to the Bon Jovi concert and when I asked what it was like and said I wanted to go, they were all like, "Don't you just listen to John Denver all day?" I listen to KUBE just like everyone else!

Maybe I shouldn't call anyone a geek, even if I'm kidding. Because I don't want to be stuck up. I need to remember that I'm not anything special. I don't want to make people feel bad.

teen girl grain: message from 2009

2009-01-19T09:07:00.000-08:00

A few 80s Angst readers voiced concerns about the mood swings (and silly obsessions) in these diary entries. Teenage boys of all decades, please don't worry. The very act of writing down psychotic thoughts (in this case) was an extremely effective therapy all its own. Also, I didn't get my driving license until I was 18, so stalking wasn't possible until I was well past the "so sprung over you that I can't handle it" stage.

In Louann Brizendine, M.D.'s book The Female Brain, she documents TEEN GIRL BRAIN, {like totally} and explains its effects. {You should totally read it. I like it mass!} Let me share the first paragraphs of Teen Girl Brain (chapter 2) with you:

Drama, Drama, Drama. That's what's happening in a teen girl's life and a teen girl's brain. "Mom, I so totally can't go to school. I just found out Brian likes me and I have a huge zit and no concealer. How can you even think I'll go!" "Homework? I told you I'm not doing any more until you promise to send me away to school. I can't stand living with you for one more minute!"...

Did you think you were reading the diary entries there for a minute? Nope, that's from the book. {I'm so, like, totally normal. Wait. Do I want to be normal? Normal sounds boring!}

The teenage years are a turbulent time. The teen girl's brain is sprouting, reorganizing, and pruning neuronal circuits that drive the way she thinks, feels, and acts-and obsesses over her looks. Her brain is unfolding ancient instructions on how to become a woman. During puberty, a girl's entire biological raison d'etre is to become sexually desirable. She begins judging herself against her peers and media images of other attractive females. This brain state is created by *the surge of new hormones on top of the ancient female genetic blueprint...

Their brains are hard at work rewiring themselves and this is why conflicts will increase and become more intense as teen girls struggle for independence and identity. Who are they anyway? They are developing the parts of themselves that most make them women - their strength for communicating, forming social bonds, and nurturing those around them.

Of course, it is always a good idea to be on the lookout for teen girl brain circuitry gone haywire, beyond the pale of the average boy-obsessed fiendishness. Good luck with that one! For some great context, though, check out Brizendine's work. Or, just know it will pass.

By the time I turned 20, I found it tiresome to put on make-up and preferred washing dishes to talking on the phone. At 35, the closest thing to boy obsession I've felt in a long time manifested itself in political campaigning over the past year.

Quick summary: It IS possible to survive the estrogen-progesterone onslaught. Yes we can, my sisters. Yes We Can.

the ff poppy - 11.13.88 (pm entry)

2009-01-16T01:13:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about transferring to THS. I want to go somewhere where I don't know people and they don't know me. Going to high school with the same kids I've known since elementary is fruity. You don't have the chance to be anyone else. To them, I'm still the brainy, chubby, innocent girl who cried when that super tall girl in eighth grade chased me into choir class yelling mean things about my clothes.

I want to be someone else. Like, there was this girl in third grade who puked in the garbage can because she fainted after recess. She will always be the girl who puked. Always.

In the fourth grade I tried out for The Wizard of Oz and I got a stupid poppy part. I was a dancing poppy and I had to wear a green leotard and green tights with a gigantic flower made out of netting around my face.

Of course, I was fat. Who ever heard of a fat poppy? And one day we were practicing and I was sitting on the hardwood floor wearing my costume with my knees up and my legs crossed. We were all crowded together and it was very quiet because we were listening to the teacher.

I don't know what happened but I totally accidentally farted. It was really loud, especially against the hardwood. It like ricocheted (sp?). And nobody said anything, they all just moved away from me until no one was sitting next to me. I was a sulphur island in the middle of the gym floor. At NTHS, I am always going to be the stupid farting poppy.

So, I want to transfer to THS where I can be something else. Besides, Matt goes to school at THS! Also, they have a great drama department. They did Grease last year and it was so cool!

It's funny. Ben and I actually have a bet. If he gains ten pounds before I lose ten pounds, I have to stay at NTHS. We made the bet and then I asked him what he wants from me if he wins the bet. And he said, "You have to stay at NTHS." So sweet. And it is conversations like this that I have to remember that I'm sprung over Matt so that I don't act like a goo ball over Ben.

What is weird is that Charles is acting like he likes me all of a sudden. I don't mean to sound conceited because I could be wrong. Maybe he is just protective. Or maybe he is like every other guy on the planet and only cares about looks and therefore is just now noticing me because I lost a bunch of weight. How annoying.

Of course, when Charles and I "went out" (if you can call it that) I had just started losing the weight so maybe I shouldn't be such a jerk. But I don't get him at all. We tried "going out" last year and we both thought it was silly. Maybe he just likes older, high school women now. (wink wink) Just kidding.

You know, this is my second entry this Sunday and I haven't written one single spiritual thing. My thoughts, language, and spirituality are all poop. I want to be truly happy and perfect and have the real joy that comes from loving the people around me, the world, God, everything more than I love myself. But, it takes so much work! What for?

Being perfect sounds impossible. I know some girls at church who think they are perfect and they are so annoying. Plus, this is my diary so I might as well be honest. Trying to be perfect sounds like a lot of hard work to just be bored silly for all that effort. I'll probably go to hell for writing that.

Right now one of my favorite songs is on the radio, "Every Rose has Its Thorn" by Poison. I love this song! Maybe the thorn of being a perfect rose is that you are a bored, perfect rose. Just kidding!

guys aren't like us - 11.13.88

2009-01-16T00:42:00.000-08:00

Today in sacrament meeting at church Tina kept nudging me and whispering to me that Doug was looking at me. Well, not to be stuck-up, but he was. I really wish I could figure him out.

I'm beginning to think that guys aren't like us (meaning girls) at all when it comes to crushes. I think guys can like lots of girls all at once, and I think they are not very particular about who and why.

I say this, but maybe we are actually VERY alike. I like attention. It's nice. Guys do, too, I guess. But, for guys like Doug it must be this random, ever present thing. I'm sure there wasn't a single girl in sacrament meeting who wasn't hoping Doug would look her way.

I don't want to be just a silly, passing, vague girl to him. He can have all the girlfriends he wants (obviously) but I will not get jealous. I will be his true friend. It will be painful because I feel more than just friendship for him and I have to make sure he has no inkling that I like him.

I will talk to him about Matt. He will talk to me about the girls he likes. We do this on the bus ride home from school every day. Sometimes it actually physically hurts, like my chest goes tight. Because then I keep messing with myself in my head. What if he's acting, too?

No, it's not possible. My brother says guys aren't that complicated. But, what if? What if he enjoys our friendship just as much as I do and he also knows that high school crushes never go anywhere and neither one of us want to ruin our friendship with a crush? Aaaaargh!

i heart sassy 4-ever! xoxo - 11.12.88

2009-01-15T20:57:00.000-08:00

My Sassy magazine has this totally cool article about kissing in it! It, like, tells you how to kiss and more importantly now NOT to kiss. You're not supposed to come on like a Mack truck. I guess that means you're not supposed to start big. Anyway, it also tells you how to practice on your hand. I've totally been practicing!

I haven't kissed anyone for real. Michael kissed me behind the dumpster in the third grade and all I remember about it was it looked like he hadn't brushed his teeth in a while and the dumpster smelled. The dumpster was behind the cafeteria and it always had milk coming out of it like little watery milk puddles. So GROSS!

Also, I think Brian tried to kiss me once in the park when I was in the eighth grade, but that doesn't count because I asked him to. The park was so romantic, and we were going out. But it was weird because we were better friends and talked more on the phone when we weren't going out, so we broke up before he ever tried to kiss me without me suggesting it.

I can't remember how long we went out but I think it was less than a week. I didn't know what to do and I'm pretty sure he didn't either.

A guy from the play totally kissed me but I just sort of followed along because I was not sure what to do and then he totally stuck his tongue in my ear. Ewww! It felt kind of good when he kissed me on the ear but when he stuck his tongue in it all the way, it was so nasty. I kept thinking it must taste awful! And I wanted to rub the spit out of it right away.

I told Brian and Doug about the nasty tongue in the ear and they said you are NOT supposed to do that and they laughed for a LONG time. They still tease me about it.

The Sassy article says not to put your tongue down somebody's throat, at least right away anyway. That's a relief. They should have mentioned not putting your tongue INSIDE someone's ear, also. Why do people stick their tongues down other people's throats? I would totally choke, I know it! I hate tongue depressors! I can't ever keep my tongue down and I gag.

I know I sound like a goody two shoes, but I'm not! Lately, I think about kissing guys all the time. I really want someone to kiss my collar bones. Tina told me it feels GREAT when a guy kisses your collar bones.

Anyway, when I have a REAL first kiss I want to know what I'm doing! So, you practice by kissing the part of your hand where the thumb and palm meet. I've tried kissing my pillow, and the hand is definitely better.

Tina says I'm such a nerd for practicing. But, you practice everything else to get better at it. Why not kissing?

the photoshoot - 11.07.88

2009-01-15T20:23:00.000-08:00

Elections are tomorrow. I have lots of homework. Roger wrote me notes today in PNW and I got my Sassy magazine in the mail. I went to Anna's, and I like Matt. Tonight, Anna took pictures of me. She said I need to have pictures taken because I've lost weight. I wore my purple Generra sweatshirt and my purple eyeshadow, mascara, blush and lipstick. All of it matches. I also wore my black stretch jeans. I pegged them myself and if I wear them all day, they hurt my legs.

Anna styled my hair and it looked really nice. I wish she could do my hair every day before school! She sprays my hair while I'm bent over so I get lots of volume. She made my hair look really curly even though I need a new perm. I love it when it is so big because it makes my face look smaller. Anna hung up a sheet and took pictures of me holding a teddy bear. She's going to get them developed this weekend at Woolworth.

I still want to lose more weight. I think 10 pounds would be good, although I need to lose 20 if I want to be an actress.

Why I want to lose weight:
1. To feel better about myself
2. To feel comfortable around people
3. To look good
4. To be healthier
5. To be confident
6. So Matt will like me
7. To be a size 5

How I will lose weight:
1. Run the track every weekend
2. Do aerobics and jump on the trampoline every day for 1 1/2 hours
3. Eat 700 calories per day

choking up - 11.03.88

2009-01-14T23:28:00.000-08:00

Not much news except I'm totally sprung over Matt. My feelings for Ben are almost gone. It's a relief but I feel so empty. I mean, he's a good friend but it's weird to test myself for those feelings and not feel them anymore.

Phoebe unconsciously helped. She flirted with him like crazy and he responded. If he felt anything more than friendship for me, he wouldn't have responded to Phoebe. Besides, why wouldn't he like her better? My family is a mess and hers is totally churchy and rich. Plus, she is a flirt and I feel awkward flirting unless I only like the guy for a friend. Anna says she will teach me how to flirt. Anyway, it only took so much hurt for me to consciously decide I couldn't like him anymore. I know I've decided this before, but this time I mean it. Plus I'm older now and better at controlling my emotions.

It's funny how I can choke up my emotions until I forget they're still there. I just feel so dead. And the whole thing was my idea. I started it by saying how much I liked Matt. Then, I believed it. Then, I decided not to like Ben because it hurt so bad. I don't think I could fall for him again. I kind of have to ignore him a little though, because I'm not that good at faking things yet. Everything came to a point last Sunday and now whenever we see each other I think we can both feel the wedge I've forced into our friendship.

I kinda wonder if we're even friends. I'm listening to my mix tape right now. My favorite songs are Sheriff, "When I'm With You;" Poison, "Every Rose has Its Thorn," White Lion, "When the Children Cry," Tiffany, "All this Time" and "The Promise." I had so many dreams and they're gone now. Over Thanksgiving break, I get to go see my brother who is away at college. He knows how to cheer me up and I bet he could give me some good guy advice. Gotta scoot.

friendship lasts. crushes totally don't. - 10.27.88

2009-01-14T23:00:00.000-08:00

Today I got slammed into my locker. I have a bottom locker and I was kneeling in front of it because I was wearing my miniskirt and I can't bend over to get my books out. So I was leaning there and I got pushed from behind into the locker, like totally hard. I could hear people yelling "There's a girl there!" And I was confused because I couldn't see what was going on. All I could see was the interior of my locker.

It turns out that these guys were totally fist fighting each other behind my locker and they slammed into me. I was kicking my legs trying to get out but the side of my face, my shoulder, and my hip were all pinned there. I know it was funny, but the worst part is I had to go fix my hair because the force totally flattened my bangs and I'm going to have the ugliest bruises in some odd places tomorrow.

I actually talked to Matt today on the phone. He is so sweet. And I can't forget the way he made me feel that one night last summer. My heart just thumped and thumped every time I was near him.

I get a totally different feeling when I'm around Ben. I feel so warm and secure with him. And we're really good friends now, and that is all I am going to ask for because friendship lasts. Crushes totally don't. Besides, that's all I'm gonna get so I might as well like Matt.

Charles told me last night that Ben likes me a lot for a friend. If Charles (Ben's brother and my good friend since diapers) is playing with my feelings on purpose, he's a jerk. But I'm sure he wouldn't do that, because he's just not like that. I just don't show any reaction. It's just that Ben and I have the same goals and the same attitude basically. Well, he's not nearly so emotional, but he's a GUY. Duh.

I feel so close to him sometimes, but Phoebe is totally sprung over him. Phoebe can also be totally unintentionally wenchy, just because she has everything she wants and her family is all spiritual. But, she is also my friend and a basically good person. It's just that I get sick of her being all "I know so much about the Bible and I'm so cute." I told her that I feel insecure a lot and she said, "Well, just feel good about yourself and smile a lot and act pretty." Like you can just do that all of a sudden. Feel good about yourself, I mean. And how exactly do you act pretty? It's annoying. Anyway, I'm gonna see Matt tomorrow night at the Slimer (that's the other school, his school) game.

Today I went to the eye doctor and I'm getting green tinted contacts. I can't wait! Ben likes girls with brown hair and green eyes. Well, I'm growing out my brown hair but my eyes will have to be fake. Actually, my eyes turn green when I cry but the rest of my face goes all blotchy and snotty and nasty, so contacts it is.

Anna's staying with me for this week. It's major fun. Mom is typing my report. What a sweetie.

introducing....Mikare Night! - 10.24.88

2009-01-14T20:56:00.000-08:00

This weekend was pretty cool except Sunday. Friday night I went to the movies with Anna and then we snuck into the football game at THS. We went to the football game because the movie was so boring. It was called Roger Rabbit. Why would anyone make a movie about a stupid rabbit? DUH. We're in high school, now! Cartoons are for middle school.

I'd rather see Gone with the Wind. I just finished the book, but I rewrote the ending because I wanted Scarlett and Rhett to end up together. They're too perfect with each other.

All of my books are going to have happy endings. Of course, unless I'm an actress. I'd rather be an actress than an author, because then when you're finished working, people actually clap for you. I was in a play last fall and it was mass cool! I can see why people can't stop acting once they start, even though they end up getting anorexic and addicted to drugs.

I wish I were anorexic. I can't be, though. I love food! But, if I'm an actress or a writer, I'm going to change my name. My name will be Mikare (pronounced Me - car - ree) Night or Mikare Delsa Anaqueese.

My dance class last year had a girl in it named Mikare and she was a great dancer! She told me she was bulimic. She could totally barf at will. I'm petrified of vomiting, so I can't be a bulimic either.

It's too bad, really. The holidays are coming up and I'm going to need to lose some weight in January because I totally eat mass shortbread cookies during Christmas. I'm not even going to try not to. I'm crazed for shortbread!

Anyway, THS was playing CHS on the NTHS field because the THS field is lame. At the game I saw Matt. Anna was totally sprung over Matt last summer but she's over him. At least, she says she's over him. I met a different guy who just came up and said hi and we just started talking. But I don't like him for more than a friend. I didn't get to talk to Matt that much and I couldn't see because I didn't have my contacts in.

So I have no idea who won the game but it's not like I care. Football is so boring. I just go because the football players line up with their butts to the stands. I'm such a perv! All I can say is Matt looks great in his marching band uniform even though marching band is dorky. Matt is one of those cool people who can pull off being in marching band, which is saying something. Like, totally wow.

Then on Saturday, me and Anna went to the dance and I had a blast! Mostly I danced with Ben and Charles but I also danced with a bunch of guys I met during the play. I totally miss them! At least we can hang out at dances because they don't go to NTHS. It was kinda fun but I made my decision then and there that I can't handle loving Ben anymore. I can't stand seeing him with other girls...looking at them the same way he looks at me, making all the times we've totally hung out seem normal and routine.

What I need is a distraction. Because Anna swears she's not sprung on Matt anymore, I could totally like him in a strictly flirtational sort of way. We met last summer and he totally flirted with me and I thought maybe he liked me then but it turns out he flirts with most everyone just because he can.

So, that's fair. I know I can't convince Anna that I'm over Ben, but I can convince everyone else. I've always been attracted to Matt. He has the dorky soccer player hair cut, but his eyes are an intense shade of blue like Ben's. And, he's mass fun.

Sunday was pretty bad. And stupid. I don't know if there is a God. And I'm so sick of the cliques at church that I could actually barf. Today was just another Monday. Totally boring. Besides, I need to stop writing. I'm getting a callous on my right hand that looks like a wart.

of headaches and heartaches = 10.20.88

2009-01-14T20:42:00.000-08:00

It seems like not one day goes by without me getting a headache or a heartache! I know, how corny. Yesterday, Ben really dressed up. He looked so good. And, he smelled amazing.

I try not to be sprung over him because Phoebe likes him mass, but I can't help it. Those eyes! They're this really deep blue and he has these long silky bangs the same length as the rest of his hair (all the other guys have dorky soccer hair cuts - permed and long in the back and short on top, so nerdy!) and his hair is so blonde and I just want to run my fingers through it.

Anyway, after school, he invited me to study with him. (We usually do something together every day for about two hours). He invited me even though he didn't have to. He is so sweet, and gorgeous. We didn't study. We talked... and talked and talked. We talked about so many things and he's so fun to be wtih and so fun to look at!

Today, though, we didn't see very much of each other. We didn't go running with our dogs or study or anything. Everything we do seems to be based on Biology or training our dogs: STRICTLY BUSINESS. But that is not what I feel when we are together. We are good friends. Besides my brother, Ben's my best friend who's a guy. I like that and I don't want it to change.

I had an argument with my parents and my mom is so tight! She feels the same way about me. It's pretty awful and me and my dad go at it pretty often too. I'm trying to be patient with them but not hard enough.

Anna's mom got in an accident last night. She is in the hospital! Anna is coming to stay the weekend with me. Anna hopes her mom uses the accident money to get a cool car and to go to Hawaii. Anna promises I can go, too. FUN. There's a dance this Saturday. What a great weekend!

2009-01-02T21:25:00.000-08:00

Signs that my daughers (ages 3 and 5) will be just as angst-ridden in their teenage years as I was:
B: After another child in her kindergarten class started playing with a doll she wanted: "She took my heart and crumpled it in little pieces."
S: Trying to calm down after bedtime routine went awry... "The crying words keep coming up."
B: Yelling at me for telling her I would play with her when she stopped being so bossy... "I'm standing here all alone in the middle of nothing!"