I can't like Russ. Period. It was a stupid idea in the first place. He's a nice...okay - WONDERFUL guy but he's over. In actuality, he never was. How can something be gone if it wasn't there in the first place?
I should've known Tina and Russ liked each other. I was utterly blind not to see it and totally arrogant to think the he could like me. All that time I was vocally gawking over Russ to Tina, she was liking him. Why the hell did she tell me she wanted to set me up with him, then? And, ultimately, what difference does it make? It's time I came down to earth. I just didn't know it would be such a hard landing.
You know, sometimes I could hate her. Sometimes, I think I could rip her hair out with my bare hands. It totally sucks to have a best friend who is pretty and beautiful and smart and a total flirt. She just crooks her little finger at guys and I swear they actually PANT at her.
But, I can't be angry with her. She can't help it. And she liked Russ long before I ever even knew his name. I should've known that if she talked about him all the time, she liked him for more than a friend. She's the one who used to talk about him constantly and acting as if she wanted to get us together was a ruse.
I know I promised I wasn't going to say this anymore, but this is a special circumstance: I don't give a sh*t. Not one puny sh*t. I mean, I don't even know him. Just because I've never met anyone I liked so much or felt like I knew them without knowing them doesn't mean I like him better than she does or anything.
It doesn't matter. You know, me and Tina haven't been doing well friendship wise and I know she wants me to leave. I will. I need to. If I stay here, no matter how hard I try, I'll resent them and be jealous.
So, I'm going to forget how I feel about Russ, like it was another stupid crush. But I know it WASN'T. Wait, I've got to stop thinking that! It was a stupid crush, except it totally wasn't. It could've been real, true love. But, Tina loves Russ and it can't matter. It won't matter. It already DOESN'T matter.
I can't hate my best friend for being stunningly beautiful and sweet and talented or stupid guys because that's all they care about. I'm going to pretend to be happy. But I'm sick of that. It's exhausting. Still, it's time to stop being a sniveling, selfish witch and just be happy for her. After all, she's SUPPOSED to be my best friend. She is so good to me and I'm returning it with evil.
Maybe I should pray. But I think it would help more to write a poem. Besides, I wrote sh*t in here, because right now my life is sh*t and my attitude is sh*t.
Sister Housekeeper says that angels record everything we do and say and report it back to God, and she said if we write it, they record it twice so it's twice as bad. Or something like that. So, maybe I should wait a little bit before trying to pray about it because maybe He is still mad and I should wait until He has time to cool down and for His ears to stop burning.
So, I'll write a poem instead. I'm going to call it NEVER.**
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A note from 2009.
*Interesting that 1989 me is just figuring out what a fool I'm making of myself. And, that 1989 me doesn't really care...A harbinger of things to come, obviously.
**I really need to work up the courage to post this really horrid poem in here. It is. just. so. pathetic.
